Friday, June 29, 2007

The big game.

Hey. Have you bought one of those new iPhones yet? Yeah… me neither. So anyway… how are you? Me? Well, I'm excited to tell you what happened at today's BIG GAME. But first… a nutshell. Me! High School Football Team! Trudy! Bank Teller! Like Her! Impress her! Damien. Mean. Jealous. Threatens. Jesus. Scared.
Yep, that's about it in a nutshell.
So I have to admit I was pretty nervous about the game, because… well… what if I effed it up for everybody? (PMF!) I really don't know much about football to be perfectly honest, and other than the scrimmage game on Wednesday, I've never played the sport. But… I guess that's why Dad invented PEP RALLIES!
And boy, oh boy! Was that ever exciting and fun! It was held this afternoon at the local high school auditorium, and the cheerleaders cheered, the marching band played, and the coach and players gave motivational speeches. Even I was asked to say a few words, so I stepped up to the microphone and said…
"Ummmmmmmm… this thing on? OW! Is that feedback? Annoying. Anyway… ahem. FELLOW HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS. How are you? Fine I hope. Me? I'm excited and nervous and scared about tonight's big game. Because I don't want to let any of you down. And I also hope to impress a girl I like named Trudy."
"She's a bank teller," added the coach.
"Yes, she is. Anyway, I hope you guys will still like me, even if I mess up. Because I really like you."
"Don't forget to tell them you're a FRAUD!!" yelled a voice from the back.


"Who said that?!" barked the coach.
"It is I, Damien. I work at the bank, too."
"Oh, yes? Well, get out of here, Damien. Unaccompanied adults are not allowed on school grounds."
"Then I guess you'd better get rid of JESUS, then, because he's the adultiest of all!!"
A gasp echoed throughout the school auditorium.
"That's right," Damien sneered. "Jesus is way too old to play on a high school football team. It's against every regulation in the book, so kick him off the team NOW, or I'll alert the authorities!"
I thought for sure my dreams were dashed to dust… luckily I had a plan.
"Hey Damien," I said. "How old do you think I am, anyway?"
"Don't play dumb, Jesus! You know as well as I do that you're 2006 years old!!"
And the entire auditorium erupted in laughter.
"What? Stop laughing," Damien cried. "I'm telling you that hippie football player is 2006 years old!!"
"Oooh, everybody," I said, "Can someone help me find my walker? It's hard to move around when you're 2006 YEARS OLD."
Even more laughter.
"Hey kids," I yelled, "Cut your hair! Get a job! When's Matlock on? I'M 2006 YEARS OLD!!"
That was all anybody needed to hear. Damien was "escorted" out by my shirtless football teammates with a loud "WHOOOOOOOO!!!" And to tell you the truth? I'm not sure what they did with him. And… is it bad that I don't care?

The game was the funnest thing ever. The stands were full of cheering fans. Including Trudy who yelled louder than anybody. Even Karen (that's my lamb) got in on the action, 'cause the cheerleaders made her a little cheerleading outfit, with little-bitty pom-poms tied to her legs and everything.
And even better? I didn't mess up once. I caught most of the balls I was supposed to catch, I made a couple of touchdowns, and I didn't tackle anybody on my own team. And we won the game! Plus, I got to take a shower with the rest of the guys! I've never showered with that many naked people in my life. It was weirdly fun. (I didn't like getting snapped on the patoot with a towel, though.) (PMF.)

After the game, Trudy met me outside the gym.
"Hey, Mr. Football Hero," she said.
"Preeeeetty impressive, huh?" I asked.
"You better believe it. You were great, Jesus. Really great."
"Thanks," I said. "Can I walk you home?"
We walked quietly for awhile.
"Soooooooo… where's Damien?" I asked.
"I dunno. Out somewhere I guess. I dunno. To tell you the truth, I don't think it's going to work out with him."
"You don't?"
"I don't think so. He's kind of weird… and angry… and to tell you the truth, since you and I stopped hanging out, I don't seem to have any fun anymore."
"Me neither. But that was my fault, Trudy. I treated you like you were Crapzilla. PMF."
She smiled.
"Forget it. Wanna chase cars and bark like a dog?"
"OMIDAD, I love chasing cars and barking like a dog!"
And so we did. We chased cars and barked like a dog, until we laughed so hard we almost p-worded in our pants.
Then I walked her to her door.
"Wanna hang out tomorrow?" I asked.
"Abso-tootley," she said.
"I really am sorry, Trudy. For being so dumb."
And I stuck my finger in her mouth.

If you don't know what I'm talking about, read this post from a long time ago. It'll all make sense. OH CRAP! (PMF!) I just remembered! I left Karen with the cheerleaders! By now, they'll have her wearing lipstick and drinking wine coolers! Gotta run! There's nothing worse than a drunk lamb painted up to look like Mary Magdalene!
Have a fun weekend!


the queen said...

Well done, dude, well done. As the kids say, "You are soooo Jesus!"

Big Headed Jen - friend of Burrito Martinez said...

Dear Jesus,
High 5 on the game! I wish I could have been there! Word up for laying the the chick-o-stick in Trudy's (she's a bank teller)pie hole.

What ever you do, don't turn your back on Damien. I'm getting a bad feeling about him especially since he was fronted in front of the whole high school.

Jesus, can you please make sure that Mr. Johnson (my dog who has seizures) is fine and is my dog for the rest of his life? That would be really nice. Thank you.

Trina said...

HOORAY!! You are the football hero! I'm just a little worried about Karen, I hope she and Damien didn't end up in the same place...but I'm sure she'll find her way home, if she made it through a cock (PMF) fight and drug deal. She's one tough mutha. And you know, if the Coen brothers are right, and "No one fucks with the Jesus," then hopefully it's also true that "No one fucks with the Karen, lamb of Jesus." (PMF and PMF.) Yay Jesus and Trudy! Yay barking at cars! Yay football!

Aunty Christ said...

Oh, I wouldn't worry about Karen, Jesus. Where would the cheerleaders even get their hands on wine coolers? Wine coolers are for adults over the age of 21, and high-school cheerleaders are maybe 18, at best. Nope, that just doesn't make any sense at all.

Ha ha! You're not thinking straight because you're in love! That's pretty funny.

minniemama68 said...

My Super-Football-Playing-Ninja!!!
I am sooooo proud of you!!! Couldn't be prouder if you were my own son!!!! When do you actually start taking classes????

I just wanted to agree with everyone else and tell you to be super careful of Damien. He has nothing to lose right now--Trudy is gone, and his enemy is not only looking good, but now has his girl. So go find Karen, inform your team of his mental instability and be aware of your surroundings at all times.

Oh, on a more personal note. I got the "do" done yesterday and spent some time praying to you and your dad, and well, my new hairdo is even BETTER than Nancy Grace's (if that is all possible). So thanks so much. I love you Jesus!!!! You totally ROCK!!!!!

Oh Sweet Moses! said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Oh Sweet Moses! said...

Ok, now that you got your Trudy (your bank teller) issues all resolved, can we hear more stories about Jeremy (your shirtless football teammate that's so Jake Ryan) and other locker/shower room stories with other shirtless/naked teammates?

Georgina Ragazza said...

Jesus, I am so proud of you! You got great new friends, you're a football hero AND you got the girl!

Let's all put on our party pants and have a fabulous time!

(By the way, "Blighty" from my last comment is what we call England, in England. Remember I told you about that before when I was teaching you the Brit-speak. You have a lot of other stuff on your kind right now tho', so it's cool that you forgot. You're still my favourite Ninja, luv!)

Georgina Ragazza said...

Sorry! That should have said "mind" - "you have a lot of stuff on your mind"... PMT! (That means Pardon My Typing!)

J2 said...

Yay Jesus! Yay shirtless football men! Yay cheerleaders! Yay Karen! Yay being 2006 and not looking at all like it!


The Ichthyophile said...

Is this some sort of summer school?
It's june 30th!

good job Jesus. Does your team do the Hail Mary play? You'd be perfect for honor of your mom.

Burrito Martinez said...

Dear Jesus(Hay-soos),
Big Headed Jen needs your help desperately in dealing with the evil Patrick. He's trying to get custody of her beloved epileptic dog Mr. Johnson. Whatever help you can be is much appreciated to thwart his evil plan. I've already prayed to your father.
I'm flipping throught he VooDoo book right now for back up.
Gracias mi amigo.
Burrito(roll the r's)
PS: Rock on with the finger in Trudy's(works at bank) mouth. Did she think it was a chick-o-stick?

Sammie said...

Whoooo! You are the man!!!
I knew you could outsmart that Damien character by just being good ole Jesus and not stooping to his level!
Good luck with Trudy (the bank teller) and try not to forget Karen in all of your excitement in being with her (Trudy, the bank teller).
Blessed art Thou,

Jesus H. Christ said...


1) Thank you!
2) I'll keep my eye on Damien, for sure. Can't do anything about the dog. Sorry.
3) No one effs with the Karen. PM EFF!
4) The cheerleaders told me that sometimes their male teachers buy them wine coolers. Oops.
5) I don't control hair-dos, but you're welcome!
6) Response deleted.
7) Waitasecond... are you being dirty?
8) Ohhhh… BLIGHTY. Now I remember. I thought it was some kinda plague.
9) Even grammatically correct, it still sounds like a plague.
11) Funny, that's what the Quarterback called that play, too. I didn't get it.
12) Ummm… I can't do anything about the dog. Good luck!
13) Blessed are thou, too! WHOOO!