Monday, June 25, 2007

Let's hear it for high school football.

Hello everybody! Good weekend? Good… good. My weekend? Just peachy… if it weren't for my dumb FEELINGS! I'm really trying to shake this Trudy (the bank teller) thing, but it's really hard! (Confused? See my previous blog posts in which I practically destroy my life, with a little help from that jerk Damien.) That's why my thinking has been all ka-blooey lately. Like last week? When I threatened to play all sorts of practical jokes on Damien in order to win Trudy back? I've decided against that plan. Why? Some high school football players talked me out of it. Here's how that happened…
On Saturday I woke up all super-duper bluesy, and so me and Karen (that's my lamb, FYI) decided to go out and make some new friends. That's something we do when we feel bluesy. However, only dumb non-new people were at the park, so I put Karen in the bike basket and we were riding to the blood bank when all of a sudden a bunch of shirtless young men standing on the corner started screaming at us.
"WHOOOOOO!!!" they screamed.
"WHOOOOOO!!!" I screamed back.
"WHOOOOOO!!!" they screamed.
"BAAAAAAAA!!!" Karen screamed back.
WHOOOOOO!!!" they screamed. "WANT YOUR CAR WASHED?"
"Oh. Okay," they said.

Turns out they were washing cars at the hamburger stand to raise money for their high school football team. Did I mention they weren't wearing shirts? I think this fact was getting Karen kind of excited in a particular way. (Pardon my thoughts.) Anyway, I said, "How much to wash my bike?" and they said "Well, a car costs $5, so how about $3?" And I said, "Well, how about I give you $10 if you wash my bike and tell me what to do about Trudy?"
They didn't know who Trudy was (she's a bank teller), but said they would be happy to hear my tale. So I told the high school football players the tale of Trudy (see past 55 blog posts for details), and informed them I felt pretty bummed about the way things had turned out, and that I was planning on playing a series of elaborate and cunning pranks on Damien in order to win her back.
They universally agreed this was not a very good idea.
"Jesus dude," one of them said, "Chicks are like so NOT impressed with revenge."
"Totally," said another, "Makes you look insecure, dude. Chicks dig dudes who act nice and stuff, and are comfortable with who they are."
"Quite so," said yet another. "The female of the species is a wondrous, but ultimately fathomless creature who can never truly be deciphered. One must simply sing a song for their heart, and trust that one's tune rings true."
Another football player burped in agreement.

Sing a song for Trudy's heart. I like that.
Anyway, I realized the shirtless high school football players were right, and I really liked them, so I ended up helping wash cars for the rest of the day.
I made 18 new friends, but that's not all. I helped a high school football team buy new uniforms, which is always a great way to beat the blues. Plus I learned—from some cheerleaders who happened by—that I have a "wicked hot bod." Did I mention I wasn't wearing a shirt?


Sammie said...

Whoooooooooo! I am the first one to blog on your site tonite!
I want to congratulate you on your ultimate coolness and your totally hot bod!
Now, to get down to business...
It is true that us females like totally confident dudes, but as to the "singing a song to our heart" --WHAAAAAT??????!
It sounds as if they have a bit too much estrogen in their anabolic steroids!!! Sounds too kitschy for this female! I would be very suspicious if a guy started 'singing a song' to my heart. (Especially if it is "If I Told You Had a Beautiful Body Would You Hold It Against Me?")
I think you should stick to the being a confident dude and forget the singing part shit! (Pardon my French thoughts)

The Ichthyophile said...

I dunno JC. That's almost one step short of standing outside her window holding up a boombox playing some Peter Gabriel. e.g. "Shock the Monkey" oops...I e.g'ed again.

BTW what high school do those guys play for? Respecting women's emotions? Very atypical of today's high school male youth. But wise.

None Given said...

Hi Jesus,

Thank you for a great story about how to get out of a bluesy funk--by making new friends! You are awesome.

Also, I would like to say that if you look anything like how they portray you on TV, then yes indeed you are one Totally Hot Deity.

I remember watching you on TV every Easter time when I was a little girl, and I became VERY conflicted and ashamed because I thought you were cute.

Like, there you were on the cross, and your abs were so cut, and I was dreaming about making out with you. Boy howdy, that's one surefire way to go to Hell, handbasket or not.

Jesus, I am deeply sorry that I had unclean thoughts about you when I saw you being crucified on TV. I'm grown up now, and have gained a modicum of maturity.

Please forgive me,

Your friend,

None Given

Georgina Ragazza said...

Yay! Jesus!
You're sounding more like the high-fiving, motivational-speaking, Ninja Jesus we all know and love!

Now, I've been thinking about this Brit-speak, and some good words to teach you. You've started well with "luv", that's always a good one, and you might want to add "awwright!" to the beginning (take the "o" sound from the start of "orange" and then stick on "white"). So, it sounds like "o-white, luv!"

"Guv'nor" is good too. Except it's pronounced "Guv-NAH". You can say "o-wight, Guv-NAH!"

And you should totally refer to Damien as the "G-man" - the G stands for "Gobshite", which is an insult, but he won't know that, because he's thick. Thick is British for dumb, by the way.

I'll teach you some more later, but you should really check out "Father Ted" - it's a really funny comedy about Irish priests, and I think you'd like it a lot!

You're the Dude!

Narcess said...

Hells yea!!! Told you chicks dig you man.. Be careful witht the cheerleaders though they are only 16-18 and your what now coming up on 2041 years old.. Just given ya a heads up don't want you to get busted for being a pedo.. Also I have been wanting to ask this.. Are you still married to that fine piece of tail Mary? And if not what happend?

you guys r silly said...

* WHOOOOO!!! * for Jesus!
Now THIS is the Jesus that I originally fell in love with, then became COMPLETELY disillusioned with and lost all faith & belief in for 1/2 of my life, and then TOTALLY fell BACK in love with when I started reading his blog the other month!
Yay for You, Jesus!

No Relation said...

Jesus, thank you so much for being the saviour of the world and cool enough to wash cars with a footballs team.

As for singing the song to a girl's heart, I can't speak for its efectiveness, but the football boys could be playing a joke on you, trying to get your face near Trudy's taa taa's (PMF).

Chris said...

Jesus... please keep the shirt off, and remove the pants... if you want I have a gig for you as a go go dancer.... just promise to clean up your bloody hands!

minniemama68 said...

My dear ninja,
My son was a football player--he's almost 18. So I know football players, I've made dinner for them, heard them talk. The guy who wants you to sing to Trudy's heart is bullsheeting you (PMF). I'm glad you aren't into the trickery thing, but don't try the singing thing. Stay cool. And keep away from the cheerleaders, they are cute and all, but you are just too darned old for them.

Archangel Michael said...

Jesus my man,

Sorry I've been out of touch but with Burrito in the pokey and Paris too they've had me flying around like crazy.

So anyway, who says high school football players are wise men? They totally are! I'm curious however, how many people do we need to tell you that pranks are a B-A-D idea before you get it? Use your magic for good.

HEY! That's it!! Why not put on a magic show just for Trudy (she works at your bank). Perhaps you could even do it with your shirt off. Maybe even wear your fancy pants and invite the gays from that bar you were in. It's always good to have a supportive crowd when you perform. Makes you feel peppy.

Oh and I agree with Sammie, forget the singing. That's really NOT your bag. Remember? It got stones thrown at you back in the day. Go with your strengths...maybe even go commando with the fancy pants during the show. Just a thought...I'm sure the gays would love it.

Now stay out of trouble and find a less high maintanence chick for heavens sake.

Your pal,

PS...sorry about the bit with your "dad". Might be time to drop old Joe a line and maybe apologize for turning your back on him. ?

Mike Noga said...

Cheerleaders are often insecure and vain. Use that to your advantage! Also brush up on turning bottled water into wine coolers. And maybe the team can use Karen as a mascot!

ChillyMama said...

Dear Jesus,

Wow, cool new friends! That is so awesome, ninja! And best of all, you've made the right choice (at least I think so) when it comes to dealing with Damien. He's a jerk. Karma will take care of him and his nasty behavior.

Oh your dad, now I'm thinking impure thoughts about you washing cars without your shirt on!! (I'm so going to hell.) Uhm... GO TEAM!

Catfish said...

Yeah, I haven't had much luck with the "singing a song..." deal...
Slightly more effective is writing some heartfelt poetry (dude, totally steal the lyrics to Bob Marly's "Don't Rock my Boat" and tell her you wrote it)...
May I suggest, instead, that you do your erotic dance for Trudy. Start out kinda slow with maybe some interpretive dance, you dig. She will start staring really hard at you trying to figure out what the heck you are doing, then, when the time is ripe, break into your Erotic Dance.. BAM!!! it will hit her like a ton of bricks.
Take it from me, girls can't resist the Erotic Dance (but don't go crazy and do the Lambada, for it is forbidden!!!)
If you need some help just let me know, I can teach you... I got crazy moves...


p.s. I forgive you for causing impure thoughts in my wife.

Charlotte in Pa said...

Jesus.. I understand that Damien's afraid of sharks. You should totally print this picture and keep it handy. JUST IN CASE you need to intimidate him. Peace!

(Follow this link)

Oh Sweet Moses! said...

Hmmm. Ok. HS shirtless football players are da bomb! And I think it is wise of you to befriend them ... and their cheerleaders too! Now, since they are in HS, how about you invite them to the mall to hang out ... have lots of fun ... and make sure (sweet abs) Damien and (bank teller) Trudy see you? Since they know your issues with those two nitwits, you can ask them to play along ... as friends ... especially the cheerleaders and their pompoms! That would be a blast!

I agree with the others, no singing please. That's just wrong.


J2 said...

Hey, Jesus! Hey other commentors!

A SERANADE! Hire a mariachi band and sing a beautiful song (in Spanish would keep with the theme) for Trudy, outside her window.

Then run like (PMF)...her neighbors may not be so romantic.


minniemama68 said...

Burrito's in jail??? With Paris??? Isn't she out now????

Where's Nancy Grace when you need her???

Jesus H. Christ said...


1) Mmmm… I think he meant the singing as a metaphor, but okay. No singing. Gotcha.
2) No Shock the Monkey. Gotcha.
3) No problem. Glad my Abdominizer is working.
4) Father Ted. Gotcha.
5) Mary and I were just friends. She was totally hot, though.
7) No taa-taas. Gotcha.
8) I'll use some Purel.
9) But those cheerleaders act so mature!
10) Thanks! But I really think the singing was meant as a metaphor.
12) What's impure about washing cars?
13) WHOOO! Catfish has a wife! WHOOO!
14) WHOOO! Sharks! WHOOOO!
15) The singing is a meta… oh forget it.
16) The singing is a metaphor, but a mariachi band is a great idea!
17) Really. What is your deal with Nancy Grace?

imcooked said...

did anyone see that creative poster of jesus created using the entire Book of Revelations, mind blowing! i was just snoopin' around that website and they have a whole christian collection. it's really cool guys