Wednesday, June 6, 2007

Damien's revelation.


Hi, hope you’re good, things are getting WEIRDER, so let’s just get right to it. (If you’re a new reader to this blog, I really feel sorry for you. You have a lot of catching up to do. Scroll down until you can’t scroll anymore, and read, read, read.) So yesterday I totally got in trouble with mall security because I yelled at Trudy (she's a bank teller) for tasting Damien’s tongue. (It’s because I asked her to go on a pretend date with him, so he’d let me play second base on my softball team and… OH FORGET IT.) Anyway, I was way out of line. And I know this, because after I was dragged back to the mall security office, I broke down in tears, and begged the security officer to help me solve my problem. Unfortunately, he said he was really uncomfortable with men who expressed emotions, and asked me to leave.
“BUT WHAT SHOULD I DO?” I wailed.
“I don’t know!" he said. "Go talk to that Damien character, tell him he's a [gd-word] [mf-word], and leave… me… alone! WOW, you're annoying!"
Geez. Sorry I was born, mall security guy.
Anyway, decided to take his advice. I marched right over to Damien's house and rang his doorbell. He answered the door dressed in one of those "muscle-tees"—you know, the ones with no shirtsleeves? And he was curling a dumbbell. What a d-bag. (PMF!)
"Well… well… well," he sneered. "Who's this ringing my doorbell? A Jehovah's WUSSY?"
"Look, Damien," I said. "I'm only here because the mall security guy said it was a good idea, so I'm going to tell you what's on my mind."
"That shouldn't take very long."
"Ha-ha, Damien. Very funny. Except it wasn't because I was being sarcastic. Look. You hurt my feelings because you tricked the coach into moving me off second base, so you could steal my position. And then you tricked me into trying to trick you with a fake date with Trudy, so you could trick her into liking you, and give you a tongue kiss."
"Yes, I did," he said. "And it worked."
"Don't you dare deny…. wait… uh … WHAT?!"
"I did it. I stole second base from you, and then I stole Trudy."
"But… but… why?"
"I wanted to rob you of everything that means something to you—and I did. Except for Karen (that's your lamb), and she's next on my list."
"WHAT? But… but… but… why?"
"Look, Jesus. I got a hamburger date with Trudy tonight, which means I gotta get pumped up—so… sayonara, sucker."
I slammed my hand into his door. "I am not going ANYWHERE until you tell me WHY YOU ARE DOING THIS TO ME!"
Then he gave me this weird look that kind of seemed sad in a way.

"Ask your dad."
And he closed the door.


21 comments:

Narcess said...

I told you J-man he is the son of Lucifer, you know Lou the guy your dad booted outta heaven for being to uppity. My only suggestion is.. oh screw it go watch the Omen and you will figure it out.

Missy A said...

Quick lock Karen away he's having hamburger ... Karen is too nice to be between 2 slices of bread

I'm scared for Karen now ...really scared

minniemama68 said...

Oh Jeez,
It is time to get your dad involved. Sounds like Mr. 666 is out to get you!!!!
Go now while you still can!!!!

Burrito Martinez said...

Dude, I think Damian is a Scorpio. Grab Karen (pet lamb) and head for the hills, lay low until this blows over. If he is in fact a Scorpio you do not want to mess with him. Trust me on this.
Your new friend.
Burrito (roll the r's)

Sammie said...

Jesus, Joseph, and Mary!
You just keep digging yourself in deeper and deeper, don't you?
I'll get a shovel and help you--I hate to see you doing it all by yourself!
I have a friend like you who just can't let things go. She just keeps obsessing about difficulties and ends up f'ing (PMF) things up for herself worse than they were.
Why don't you follow my advice and just let this thing go?
Narcess is right! You need to rent Omen and then exorcise this demon from your life! (Get it, EXORCISE?)
I, too, am very concerned about Karen (your lamb). You need to put her in Witness Protection and change her identity so no harm can come to her.
I will be out of town for a week or so starting Saturday and I will worry the whole time I'm away.
Take care!

Anthony said...

Jesus,

If you need to hide Karen, I can take her in for awhile until this Damien mess gets sorted out.

Let me know.

killedasouthernbelle said...

He is a gd -word, mf- word, d-bag (pmf).
Get him Jesus! Get him!
and hide Karen.

Cammy said...

totaly battle between heaven and hell. you'll be victorious Jesus. Just remember that the victor writes the history books! Think of what the world would have been like if say... the Borg won killed everyone in The Generation. ..!? We just couldn't do that.. just like we can't write that the devil's son beats jesus...

Cammy said...

i meant, the next generation...sorries.. start trek rules.

Choirboy said...

Jesus, I know you are in the midst of a whole bunch of (PMF) crap but I have to tell you two little words: "drama queen". I mean, really now. I almost feel like chanting "JER-ree! JER-ree! JER-ree!".

You're endangering the real love of your life and that is Karen, poor little thing. Who'd feed her Fruit Stripe gum? Who'd take her to Quiznos? Who'd scratch her little head? Damien? I don't think so. He'd eat her.

Trudy or Karen. It's your choice, man.

you guys r silly said...

Hi Jesus.
I'm still way too sad to comment.
Plus now I'm getting scared, too.
You're the son of GOD for Christ sakes. . . if YOU don't know what to do, there sure as HELL ( I'm too sad to even ask you to Pardon my French right now ) isn't much hope for the rest of us poor suckers . . .
&:o(

Burrito Martinez said...

Jesus(hay-soos),
Mi amigo, i've been thinking long and hard about this (and I have enough of my own problems). Damien must have a reason for this need to mess with you. Think real hard. You must know why he is out to get you. What did you do? If you can figure that out, you will be able to figure out the proper resolution, which will hopefully be non-violent.
Peace my brother,
Burrito(roll the r's)

KellyChristine said...

Jesus, you seem pretty smart. At least as smart as Will Ferrell's character in ELF. You know in your heart that Damien is to be avoided (not to be tricked, not to be reasoned with). You also know that Karen should be protected just in case. And finally, you know that you won't fix your relationship with Trudy with a cotton candy machine. Go be civil and honest and as charming as you can be and see if you can't win Trudy over. If you can't, then you need to cut your losses and move on. There are many more fish in the sea (LOL!).

I think Damien is screwing (PMF) with you, but you might want to check with your Dad to be sure.

The_Myth said...

Oh, sweet, fancy Jesus.

You know, as soon as Damien gets a hand in Trudy's bra [pardon my French], he'll have gotten second base TWICE!

Jesus, go ask Dad to intercede. Maybe his employee Michael can pay Damien a little visit and make him go away.

Norrin2 said...

He's totally bluffing, just trying to scare you. Don't let that Nancy-boy second baseman intimidate you.

Marcia said...

Jesus, maybe Trudy is trying to turn the tables on you and make *you* jealous? I think she really likes you a lot. :-)

daniel said...

OMFG (pardon my french!) damien's a jerk.

daniel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jesus H. Christ said...

Whoa. That one was creepy.

1) Thanks! Don't call me J-Man.
2) Nobody's going to hurt Karen. I'll open up a can of whup-booty. (PMF.)
3) Dad's already involved! (You read the end of this post, right?) That's what's so creepy!
4) Thanks, Burrrrrrrito.
5) How can you go away for a week, when Karen's life is in danger? Some blog reader YOU are!
6) Thanks! It can be like a lamb protection program.
7) What should I get him? Some flowers?
8) Ooh, I really dislike the Borg.
9) I knew what you meant.
10) You really think they'd let me on Jerry Springer?
11) As my friend Derek the gay cop used to say, "You're giving me a marijuana creep-out!"
12) Like he said, "Ask my dad." Maybe Dad's still mad about the time I stole a beer from the fridge.
13) There's a problem that a cotton candy machine CAN'T fix?
14) You people aren't getting what's really going on here. MY DAD IS THE ONE BEHIND ALL THIS. Don't you guys ever watch Veronica Mars?
15) Thanks for the advice, but his name is Damien, not Nancy.
16) Let's try to put Trudy aside for a minute: DAMIEN AND MY FATHER ARE OUT TO KILL MY LAMB!!
17) Thank you.
18) Wait… who deleted that comment?? Was that you Damien?? Or you Dad??

Archangel Michael said...

Hey the_myth,

Sorry but my wings are tied on this one. I checked in with HQ to see if I could directly interceed in some way and apparently it's not in the cards. Rules! Phooey! Of course I am free to comment...and will. Jesus! He's always such a handful.

Rebecca said...

Too bad. I thought the_myth's idea was really smart!