Thursday, June 7, 2007

I'm stunned.

Whoa. How are you? Boy, let me tell you, I am STUNNED. Sure, I'm stunned about the big revelation yesterday that Damien and MY DAD are somehow in cahoots, and they're both trying to ruin my life—but I'm also stunned I came up with two FANTASTIC new ideas today. Here they are:
1) Guys need to start wearing top hats and monocles again. It will be the new hip fashion that everyone is doing, so you better start now or risk looking "out of it" and "square." Plus, not only can you hide things under a top hat, but when you are surprised about something, your monocle can pop out. SPROING!!
2) This one's just for whitey. Ever catch yourself singing along with a rap song, but have to momentarily shut up whenever they say the "n-word"? ME, TOO. There's no way I'm going to say it (even though I probably could, since I'm from Ethiopia), so I've devised a new clever substitute for the "n-word" which is NINJA. Same syllables, plus ninjas are cool, and you're not being a racist. You can even use it when someone says something ridiculous by responding with "Ninja, please!"
That's why I was stunned. Because I could come up with such awesome ideas even in the face of being backstabbed by my own father. WHAT DO YOU THINK HE'S UP TO? Why would he tell Damien to try rob me of everything I hold dear (second base, Karen [that's my lamb] and Trudy [she's a bank teller])? It kind of blows my mind. I mean I know Dad and I don't get along very well—but this is some real Darth Vader/Luke Skywalker poop going on here! (PMF!)
Anyway, this has gone WAY beyond asking Trudy, the guys at the video store, or the mall security guy for advice. That's why I'm bringing out the big guns, and asking the only person (or thing, if you will) that can truly help me find an answer:
Ooooooh, is right! I ain't fooling around! Now I know a lot of you may have heard about the holy ghost (or "spirit," if you will), but are unable to really wrap your head around the concept. Well, first of all, the holy ghost isn't a "he," it's a "she." Her name is Doris (officially, "Doris the Holy Ghost") and she lives in Eureka, California. But no one else can see her. Now, in the bible, the holy ghost is the spiritual manifestation part of the holy trinity, with me being the physical side. But in reality she was kind of dad's personal assistant until she died of lung cancer, and moved to Eureka. However, I've always liked her, because she's SUPER SMART and a real no-nonsense kind of gal. Anyway, I've decided I'm going to have a video web-chat with her tonight, and ask her what I should do about Dad using my mortal enemy to ruin my life, and possibly kill my lamb. Cool? Cool. Tune back in tomorrow to see what she says. Rest assured, it will be extremely wise, and she will probably tell me how to solve "the Trudy situation" as well. (Eye roll.)
Until then, run out and buy a top hat and monocle. What's that? Wearing a top hat and monocle is too "hip" for you?


Anonymous said...

I have long held that the handlebar mustache is the best fashion trend in the entire history of the world. Have you ever thought about shaving your beard off and growing a kicky handlebar 'stache? I think you'd totally rock it.

ohillary said...

I guess this has gone way beyond second base - Dude, you're like, going to the godfather for favors. Does Doris look like Marlon Brando?

the queen said...

Don't even suggest Damien might hurt Karen. I just watched The Godfather and it would have been a good movie except for what they did to that horse. Take it back and tell us Karen is safe.

the queen said...

Wow, ohillary, that was weird, we both referenced The Godfather simulataneously. Did you just spend six hours watching it on Bravo tonight too?

Anonymous said...

sup ninja! i know what to do. get a time machine (like in that movie) and go back and don't let damien get second base. then Trudy and him never would have gone out, and everything will be fine.

Michael TLH said...

Jesus, you are totally my ninja and I really think you should take care of Damien by busting, as the kids say, a cap in his behind (PMF). I'm not sure what kind of cap, maybe a top hat? In any case, I have to go now. Take care and OMG I almost forgot: have you gone down to the MacDonald's for a Shrek shake yet? It's mint-flavored! Do NOT let Damien have one and then look at Karen, because, we all know that mint and lamb really go together (PMF).

The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Yeah I'd be careful with Karen (that's your lamb,) you may want to put her into some sort of witness protection program or something until you get this whole thing sorted out. I've read about your dad and his demands for "lamb sacrifices," (PMF and *shudder*)

The Ichthyophile said...

I thought maybe Damien just has something against your Dad and he's taking it out on you as some sort of proxy revenge.???? But what do I know. I'm just a poor ninja from the streets.

ChillyMama said...

Dear Jesus,

You are da ninja, man! I love your idea of contacting Doris the Holy Ghost, who probably has her head together better than anyone else right now.

Have you ever watched "God, Inc." on YouTube? I like to think it's pretty close to how things really work at your dad's office.

Anyway, keep an extra close eye on Karen (your lamb) because that Damien guy is one crafty, sneaky son-of-a-bee(PMF)!

Kato said...

I'm all about tophats and monocles. I've been considering waxing my moustache. I think you could be on to something!

Also, "Ninja" is a great suggestion! I might just go listen to some Ninjas With Attitude.

The Ichthyophile said...

P.S. For some reason I'm craving peanuts in a jar.

SweetLikeJesus said...

Wow Jesus, I am really worried about Karen now. I hope Doris can help. Is (was) she fat? In my mind I have cast her as Wendy Jo Sperber (the heavy girl from Bosom Buddies in the 80's).

Love the Top Hat idea - might make me look taller as well.

Peace out, My Ninja!


Sammie said...

Wow!!! I just thought of a great idea!!! How about me taking Karen (that's your lamb) back to the midwest with me on my vacation. I could put her in my large carry-on bag and stuff her under the seat. The only thing I worry about (besides your upcoming show-down with Damien and your Father) is her pooping (PMF) and barfing while on the plane. She could romp and gambol around in the wide open spaces out there and even play with the neighbors' dogs.
That way you would not have to worry about her while focusing on the "Battle To End All Battles"
Also, you could go to Eureka, CA to see Doris and not have to worry about the care and feeding and scooping up Karen's (she's your lamb) poop (PMF).
(Actually, why can't Doris come to Portland to see you? After all she is the Holy Ghost and can use astral projection as her means of transportation.)
(Have you noticed my excessive use of parentheses?)
May the Farce be With you!

P.S. Let me know about Karen (she's your lamb) by 6 tonite!

Jesus H. Christ said...

What up, my ninjas?

1) It would give the girls something to grab on to. (Ooh! PMF.)
2) She's not as fat.
3) I know! That poor horse!
4) Get a room, you two.
5) I will build a time machine! (Do you know how to get in touch with MacGuyver?)
6) I better not let Karen drink that. She'll stink like mint!
7) He's more into pig sacrifices these days, because he really loves bacon.
8) If I know Damien, he's getting something sweet out of his deal with dad... maybe a Camaro?
9) The only thing I like to watch on YouTube are skateboard accidents.
10) That's why you're my ninja.
11) The last time I opened a jar of peanuts, some fake snakes popped out.
12) I used to be secretary of the Wendy Jo Sperber Fan Club!
13) Oh, pooh. You already left. Don't worry, Karen is holed up in a seedy hotel on the edge of town. Oh, pooh. I shouldn't have said that. She's not holed up in a seedy hotel on the edge of town.