Wednesday, June 27, 2007

I'm on the team!

Hey, hey! I would ask how you're doing, but I'm too busy being TOO EXCITED. Guess what? I'm on the HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL TEAM! Yay, me! I know! I can hardly believe it myself… but it's true! Want to hear how it happened? YAY! I'm glad you're interested!
Okay, so remember yesterday when I borrowed a video camera from my new shirtless friend Jeremy who's on the local high school football team? (I was using the camera to spy on Trudy—she's a bank teller—but I made the mistake of attaching the camera to Karen—she's my lamb—who was very nearly injured in a rooster fight and botched drug deal. Whoops.) Anyway, I was returning the camera to Jeremy, and I noticed he looked very upset. When I asked him what was wrong, he said one of his teammates hurt his knee and was going to be out for the rest of the season. Even worse, they had a very important scrimmage game today with their cross-town rivals, and no longer had a person who could run down the field and catch the ball. (I can't remember what the exact position is called.) Anyway, to make a long story short, I said, "I'll do it!"
Now admittedly I don't know much about the sport of football. But I am a former second baseman, I'm in very good shape and am gifted athletically.
"WHOOOO!!!" Jeremy cried. "That's freaking AWESOME, dude! But I'm not sure if the coach will go for it."
"Well, he doesn't have to know… I'll be disguised in the football costume."
"Uniform, Jesus," Jeremy corrected. "It's a uniform. But anyway… WHOOOO!!! That's a freaking AWESOME idea, dude! Let's do it!!"

So Jeremy snuck me into the dressing room where all the lockers are, gave me a football cos… uniform, and after tucking in my beard, said, "No one will ever know the difference!"
And he was right! All my new football friends I met at the car wash this past weekend were totally excited I was filling in for their fallen teammate. And whenever the coach looked at me suspiciously, one of my teammates would dump Gatorade on his head. But here's the best part! While I made a couple of mistakes on the field—such as accidentally tackling one of my own teammates—I was still pretty freaking AWESOME. In fact, during the last minute of the game, we were losing to the other team by five points—and the quarterback (His name is Tommy by the way… his hobby is studying classical poetry. He's nice!) said to me, "Jesus? Let your feet be winged birds that traverse this hallowed ground, and extend thyself fully to embrace the victory that is rightfully our own."
"Umm… what?"
"Go long, Jesus. GO LONG."

So I did! When Tommy told me to run, I ran as fast as I could down the field, and then to everyone's surprise, Tommy threw the ball to me! I stretched my arms farther than I ever thought was possible… reached out for the ball… and… I CAUGHT IT!
Then the other team fell on me, and it really hurt.
But apparently, I had scored a "touchdown!" And I won the game!
My friends picked me up on their shoulders, and carried me around the field, screaming, "WHOOOO!!! AWESOME!! DUDE!! WHOOOO!!!" That is until the coach took off my helmet.
"Who's the hippie?" he asked the team.
Well, after Jeremy explained what happened, I thought the coach was going to be really mad. But he wasn't! In fact, he asked me to join the team, and take that other guy's place for the rest of the season!
"Mmm… don't I have to be in high school to play football?" I asked.
"Sure!" the coach said. "But don't worry about it, hippie. I'll just enroll you under some dead kid's name. I do it all the time. WELCOME TO THE TEAM!"

Needless to say, I'm quite excited. Not only did I get invited to join a great football team, I also get to go to high school! WOW! This is just like a movie! And I feel just like John Cusack, or Molly Ringwald or somebody!!
Oh, and by the way? Guess who's having lunch at the mall food court with a certain someone named "Trudy" tomorrow? AND GUESS WHO'LL BE WEARING THEIR FOOTBALL COSTUME?
(I mean, "uniform.")


The Ichthyophile said...

Flippin' sweet, DUDE! One bit of advice though. Stay away from the jail bait!

Stacy&Jaye said...

Oh Jesus, this is very good for you.
I am glad that you have found a new sport to excel at. Perhaps if you're lucky, Trudy has a thing for a man in a uniform.

the queen said...

"Freaking" awesome, Jesus?


You break my heart, Jesus, you break my heart.

damien said...

Jesus, I know it was you that spilled tang on my computer. I'm on to you...and Karen.

And Trudy hates football players.

Trudy likes a real man. Me. One that can get on a high school football team WITHOUT having to pull a fast one.

I thought the creepiness was only in church, not on the football field, Jesus. For realz. Now the SON OF GOD is showering with kids age 14-18. Nice.

And I hope you choke on your wetzel pretzel for pooping in my toilet and not flushing it.

How did you get inside my house, anyways?

minniemama68 said...

My ninja!!! Be careful. Ever see "Waterboy"??? He got caught. And if you get caught the team goes down with you.
And if the press were to get ahold of this, whatta mess.
I can see it now, 2000 year old man gets caught playing hs football......shivers!!!!!

Be careful...just be careful!!!!

None Given said...

Yay for hijinks!

High five!

By the way, I wanted to tell you: last weekend I went to a really nice communion service put on by a bunch of Unitarian Universalists. It was lovely, and it was the first communion I ever experienced that wasn't a creepy quasi-cannibalistic guilt fest.



None Given

Big Headed Jen - friend of Burrito Martinez said...

!Adios Mios!
jesus, Jesus! I think you're rollin in a breakless wheelchair down a steep hill with this caper, bro.

Does your uniform say "blah, blah blah High School" on it? Or perhaps "such and such High"?

Why do you have to play sports anyway, Jesus? Why can't you just go to concerts and plays? There's lots of nice girls at those type of events. Not b-words (pmf) like Trudy (she works at a bank).

I am happy that you have some new friends. No one should go around all bluesy if it can be helped. Do you like watermelon?

Thanks for not giving Karen's (the lamb) wild video to the police. Burrito (roll the r's) is watching my dog this weekend (he has seizures sometimes - my dog, not Burrito but you probly already know that) and he can't do that from jail.

Lots of Love to you J.C.! Jen

Sammie said...

I am so hella-happy for you and your good fortune of being on the football team!!!!!
Good for you! Maybe Trudy (she works at the bank) will change her mind about Damien and will want to be with you. Who knows, though, you may have found another fish in the great big sea of life by then and Trudy (the bank teller) won't matter to you any more.
Another thought---Maybe Karen could be the mascot of your team?!
Peace On, oh Friend of Man!!

Steve said...

Holy Crap, J! (PMF) That's awesome news. (I'm a long-time reader, first time commenter, by the way.)

killedasouthernbelle said...

Precious Jesus,

Good Luck with this. Hopefuly, secretly, Trudy digs football players. Be careful!

Oh Sweet Moses! said...

Ooooh JHC! I wanna hear more locker stories involving Jeremy and other hot, shirtless football players please.

jdub said...

Maybe when you get done playing footbal at the high school, you can go play at the Uninversity of Notre Dame. You know they have "Touchdown Jesus" there? They have a huge mural of you with your arms raised (like you are signaling a touchdown) on the library at one end of the stadium. You could play there, score a touchdown and strike a pose mimicking the mural of yourself!! Here is a link to the picutre...

Mike Noga said...

John Cusack or Molly Ringwold? Jeebus, you're dating yourself. Haha. I dunno if this is gonna help you with Trudy,dude. She works at a bank. Is she gonna want to date a High School football player? I'm glad your having fun but maybe you should try for a college team, or semi-pro. And do you think you will enroll in any high school classes? Then you'd be like Drew Barrymore or John Cryer.

minniemama68 said...

Hey Ninja,
Jdub is right. I can't believe I never thought about it. And we are HUGE ND fans. Hell, (PMF) we named our last child after Brady Quinn (ND's star quarterback--a quarterback is the guy who threw you the ball). My husband and I went there on our honeymoon. You'd love your mural, although it isn't as visible as it once was since they made the stadium bigger. If you want to get Trudy, college ball is the key. Brady Quinn has women throwing themselves at him all the time.
Whatcha say, my Ninja????

I'm guessing my temporary lapse of memory is due to my facination with Nancy Grace's hair....Oh well, I just found out she's quitting her show cuz she's pregnant with twins.

GO IrisH!!!!!

Chris said...

LOL- all I can say is MEOWS

J2 said...

Heya, Jesus!

High school football will be a nice change for you.

Party Pants! Outtasight! Cheers!

princeO'darkness said...

Football, eh? Confirmation finally that Jesus looks kindly on homosexuality.

Hey: I wrote a piece in which I discuss Your (and My?) Grandmother's true identity, over at my place!

Jesus H. Christ said...

Go long!

1) Advice noted!
2) I'm thinking good thoughts!
3) Is "freaking" a PMF?
4) Mmmmmm… TANG.
5) 2006. But who's counting?
6) Those Unitarians aren't too bad, I guess.
7) I love watermelon!
8) I'm bringing Karen to the big game tomorrow!
9) Hi Steve! You're nice!
10) Don't worry. I have pads!
11) More hot shirtless stories coming up!
12) I dunno. As soon as I get out of high school, I'm thinking of going pro.
13) I'm thinking of signing up for metal shop. I hear all the cool guys are there.
14) Go Irish!! And Scottish people, too!
15) Woof! Woof!
17) I love Grandma! I'll check it out.