Thursday, June 14, 2007

The devil? Really?

Hey, what's the haps, pap? I am bordering on being really creeped out! Last night I was watching The Exorcist on basic cable, and even though all that devil stuff is totally a pile of hooey (can "hooey" be placed in a pile?), that flick really gave me the heebie-jeebies! I mean I understand that the devil is supposedly able to make you do weird stuff—but that poor kid really looked ugly! She didn't need an exorcist, she needed a dermatologist!
And ugh with the vomiting! And the PMF language! Goodness gracious, that devil certainly has a salty tongue.
Then there was that part where the girl was doing "that thing" with the cross. WOW. I mean, I know that doing "that thing" is a natural part of childhood and everything, but c'mon! Can she not start with a carrot?
This is such a PMF conversation, I'm going to stop right now.
My point is that I had to sleep with my lights on all night—and the devil doesn't even exist!
A few of you commenters have made the suggestion that Damien may be the devil… which I think is kind of preposterous. Let's look at the facts: First of all he wears a muscle tee. The devil doesn't wear muscle tees! Secondly, Damien doesn't say anything like what that little girl in the movie was saying. All Damien does is quote Joey from Friends.
On the other hand, he does lie. And he does trick people, which Damien definitely did when he tricked me out of second base on my softball team and Trudy's affection (she's a bank teller that I like). And he's always stealing my bicycle! (He eventually gives it back, but the tires are usually low, and the seat is all moist.)
A couple commenters also asked if I've checked his scalp for the numerals, "666." No, I have not. Damien doesn't like people to touch his hair. I would ask Trudy to check, but I'm pretty sure that wouldn't do much to mend our current relationship. Besides, having numerals on your scalp just sounds like something those Bible writers dreamed up while smoking pot. What a bunch of stoners.
Anyway, I just can't imagine Damien jumping into a little girl's body and flying around the room like a crazy person. I can imagine him asking her out on a date though, EWW!
Anyway, tomorrow's the big day when I have my 3:42 pm five-minute meeting with my dad in which I am supposed to really tell him off. I am scared. I mean, I know I'm not going to die or anything, but my dad really intimidates me, so I'm going to have to be super-duper brave. Wish me luck.
And remind me to wear an undershirt. I sweat a lot when I'm nervous. Did you know that about me?


Missy A said...

You watched the wrong movie Damien in in The Omen, go rent that and you will see where the 666 comes in.
Just buy more light globes because you will have the lights on all night again after watching that ... The Exorsist is tame compared to the Omen

Anonymous said...

hey, don't freak out or whatever, if you're scared your dad won't take you seriously.

Rebecca said...

Just remember to bring a stick along to the meeting, and you'll be fine! I'm sure it'll go well. Good luck!

Rebecca said...

p.s. If excessive underarm perspiration is your problem, try Certain Dri®.

You do realize that, with your fame and reputation, you could probably make a small fortune on product endorsements--right?

I can hear the taglines now. "Certain Dri®: If it's good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for you!"

Oh Sweet Moses! said...

No need to be nervous. What's the worst that could happen? More spikes? Been there, done that. Anyway, you should ask Francoise to fax you the paperwork in the morning so you can fill them out before you get there. That way, you don't lose precious time. Break a leg!

princeO'darkness said...

Man, did you ever get that wrong: 'The Exorcist' is a movie about the evil that is Max von Sydow.

And your 'Dad'? Do we need to play this game anymore? Why don't you just admit It?

The Ichthyophile said...

Good luck with the whole "5 minutes in Heaven" thing. While you're waiting perhaps you can play some 3 Card Monty, or the Shell Game with Francoise and con the D-bag out of some cash-o-la.

I think the Devil does exist in some sort of fashion. He can be many things....I know this because I watched The Waterboy and Bobby Boucher's momma always said "_____ is duh Devil."

Vio con Dios...oops...or maybe not.

Trina said...

Don't forget to wear an undershirt, my ninja!

SweetLikeJesus said...

I think you should bring Francois some sort of gift to butter him up a bit. In his picture, he looks a bit gay... so maybe a Crate and Barrell gift card or some toe socks.

Good luck with your meeting... stay strong.

Oh... and I still can't watch the Exorcist without sleeping with the lights on. So, don't feel bad.

Anonymous Dog Owner said...

Of course Damien is the Devil! He fooled you, Jesus.....think about it - you eat Quiznos, play baseball, use trickery, wear a cape, date and like,like Trudy and you are Jesus H. Christ. To be honest, I thought you were a little more 'aware' of stuff.

Don't worry about your Dad. He's just teaching you some kind of lesson. You should go with anticipation of becoming aware of something that you are obviously missing. He wants the best for his son as most fathers do.

Thank you for being with me the other day at the hospital. It's truly amazing that with all the crap you have in your own life, you can still be there for me when I need you.

Bye for now Jesus,

No Relation said...

Dad conferences are tough. But stand your ground. I wasn't there, but remember the story about Jacob and the Angel?

Why don't you challenge your Dad to a wrestling match and not let him go until you work this out.

Best of luck!

damien said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
damien said...

How YOU doin,' Jesus?

babygay13 said...

Oh My Dad! So I have been reading these blogs of yours since the beginning. They rock Jesus! I will be honest, I never believed in you... that is until you started blogging. You have to be real, for YOUR sake. Anyways, so I always get a kick reading these comments... so have you read the one from Damien... I just saw it... and clicked on his name... and looks like Damien found you Jesus. Don't let that fool get Trudy (The bank teller. Damien is such an a$$hole (PMF). Look forward to reading your next blog. Hope things went well with dad. If they don't, you could always send him a boiled bunny in the mail. Just a thought. Oh and meow.

Jesus H. Christ said...


1) It's TAME?? There's no way I'm watching that one!
2) Thanks. Telling people not to be scared always works.
3) A stick of Fruit Stripe?
4) The best idea I've heard all day!!
5) Oh, poop! (PMF!) I forgot about the paperwork!
6) Max von Sydow is the creepiest name in the world.
7) Francoise doesn't seem like the type to play games, but I'll bring Connect Four just in case.
8) Oh poop! (PMF!) I forgot the undershirt!
9) Who doesn't love toe socks?
10) Which hospital was that? I hope that wasn't the wrong Jesus.
11) No wrestling. He's a non-corporeal being.
12) Response deleted.
13) Move it or lose it, Damien! I'm serious!
14) Meow!

damien said...

How you doin'?

Look, Jesus. You can't push me around. I mean really, don't your wrists still hurt, anyways?

Trudy's mine now. Karen will be soon, too.

boris said...


boris said...