Monday, June 18, 2007

Yay, it's time for gay.

Hello, how are you. I am feeling SO MUCH BETTER. Whoa, you should’ve smelled my shirt after I met with my dad on Friday. It was super sweaty, and boy, did it STINK. I should probably stop eating so much meat and Chick-o-sticks. Who am I kidding… Chick-o-sticks are so delicious I don’t care if I smell like the inside of a pig’s leather loafer. Naturally, I kind of felt like a jerk for falsely accusing my dad of trying to ruin my life… but should I really feel happy that he didn’t CARE enough to ruin my life? Patriarchal feelings can be so complicated.
Anywow, I’ve decided to pull the stick of self-doubt and loathing out of my b-hole (Pardon my French) and start loving life again! And that means putting on…
Everyone should have a pair of party pants. Do YOU? Mine are dark maroon, have a very sensual texture and are made out of 100 percent polyester. I’ve never had another pair of pants like them! They are a LOT like the costume Venom wears in the Spider-Man comics. I swear to dad, these pants fit me like a symbiotic life form! (Don’t worry—they don’t turn into Venom.) Anyway, today I was feeling so relieved, I put on my party pants, and my “Jesus is Coming—Look Busy!” T-shirt, and went downtown to buy some helium balloons. (Do you ever buy yourself helium balloons? YOU SHOULD.)
So I was walking downtown in my party pants, t-shirt, and carrying helium balloons when suddenly someone leaned out of a bar window and yelled at me, “WHOO! WHOO! GAY PRIDE!!”
Naturally, I yelled “whoo, whoo” back—even though I am not a gay. Though like many people, I do have "a gay friend" (Derek… he’s a cop)—and he is delightful. Here’s what I like about gay people: they are ENTHUSIASTIC. This may be why people often ask me if I’m gay (though I’m sure my party pants add to the illusion). I do things enthusiastically, and that’s often confusing for macho guys who have been taught to do things unenthusiastically. I mean, just because I’ve been known to walk down my street banging a big bass drum, and singing songs from the musical “Oklahoma,” why should people also automatically infer that I’m having sex with a gay person? It’s like saying, “Oh, he’s eating an orange. That must mean he’s an astronaut.”
But just so we’re clear, I don’t mind if people call me a gay. I just think it’s weird when people assume things—like just because I’ve walked on water, it doesn’t mean that their prayers for a new motorcycle will be answered. It just means that I know how to play a magic trick.
Anyway, I ended up going into the bar and drinking Frescas with these gay guys for the rest of the afternoon. AND THEY WERE SO MUCH FUN! Everything was “fabulous” to them, and life was obviously something they all enjoyed very much. I didn’t even mind when one of them pinched my tuckus! (PMF.)
So that’s my advice for this week: Put on your party pants, hang around with some gays, and learn to love life again! (And eat three fewer Chick-o-Sticks. They make you sweat yellow.)


Anonymous said...


Chris said...

Jesus... anytime you want to come party with me and all the other gays you let me know. P.S. I want that shirt you have? You are lucky the "gay's" didn't remove the shirt right off your back. I would have! MEOW

minniemama68 said...

Can I wear party pants too????

I've got a lot of junk in my trunk.

J2 said...

Heya, Jesus! Sign me up for some Party Pants, too, please! Even though I've got a "badonkadonk" (sp? PMF?), I want to wear RED ones!! I can wear my "Do You Need a Spanking" t-shirt with them. FAAAABULOUS! (I'm not gay, but I like to say that, anyway!)


Rebecca said...

The gayborhood rocks. You should hang out there more often! If you are ever in Philadelphia, go to Woody's on Mondays for karaoke night.

Jesus, what is your favorite karaoke-singing song? I would like to hear you singing "What if God was one of us." That's a good one!

Stacy&Jaye said...

Oh J.C. I am so glad you got outta your funk and had some fun with the gays.

I did too, this weekend. Remember the Numa Numa techno song that came out last year? Well, there is a Spanish version which is like a gay anthem, its called Pluma Gay (the Gay Way) and the video is awesome.

I'll leave you the link here

damien said...

Dear Jesus,

What, you think people aren't plotting against you? Let's just say I've got my own "recipe" for destruction.

By the way, I think if they made a Venom spin-off, Eddie Brock should be played by Jesus H. Christ. I've told numerous of my Hollywood contacts about this idea. But my contacts are all pretty much accountants and Jewish and they aren't savvy to the whole "Jesus walks" thing.

The Ichthyophile said...

Jesus,I think I would have to wear my "Where my Peeps At?" T-shirt that has little peeps on it. know....when I think if peeps I think of Easter....and when I think of Easter...I think of you're "dead for 3 days" magic trick. (I bet you had just overdosed on chick-o-sticks)

None Given said...

I love Fresca! Not only does it taste wonderfully tangy, it's fun to say.

Try saying it at a whisper:


Oh Sweet Moses! said...

I love the gays! They have the best party pants and they sure can party. Fabulous!

killedasouthernbelle said...

gays and fresca a "recipe" for perfection!

jdub said... should try on a pair of those Crocs (see Damien's blog) with your party pants--it may just be a fabulous combination!

ChillyMama said...

Dear Jesus,

Say hey, my FABulous ninja! I love the party pants idea. I have a pair that's really crazy colored and a red t-shirt with Engrish on it. (Engrish is the Japanese translation of an English saying - it's tons of fun and a laugh a minute!

I'm going to call my gays & set up a party for this weekend!

Glad you're feeling more upbeat. Rock on, JHC. Hey to Karen!

The Ichthyophile said...

jdub: Crocs are the shiznit (pardon my french ebonics)

Choirboy said...

Hey Jesus, you little love bug --
You don't have to have sex with another man to be gay. It's a point of view, ya know. SO you might be gay after all.

There are tons of gays who don't have sex at all. I mean, just think of all the little gay children your dad makes every day.

No Relation said...

Hey Jesus! Just throwing some more gay love your way!

Jesus H. Christ said...


1) Holla, holla! PARTY PANTS!
2) Woof, woof! PARTY PANTS!
3) Junk, junk! PARTY PANTS!
4) Spank, spank! PARTY PANTS!
5) My favorite karaoke song is "Wild, Wild West" by Will Smith. Big Willie Style!
6) Muy caliente!
7) Venom, Venom! PARTY PANTS!
8) Peeps, peeps! PARTY PANTS!
9) (whisper) fresca, fresca… PARTY PANTS!
10) Fabulous, fabulous! PARTY PANTS!
11) They are two great tastes that go great together!
12) Wait… did Damien steal my Crocs?
13) I wonder what the Japanese call it when we butcher their language? "Japanesglish?"
14) I'm pretty sure those are my Crocs!
15) Gay children, gay children! PARTY PANTS!

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