Friday, June 22, 2007

Ha, ha. Damien, you got "punked."

Hello, how are you? Me? I'm on a REIGN OF TERROR! I have a great new plan to win back the affection of Trudy (she's a bank teller that used to like me, until she didn't like me anymore) who is currently inexplicably infatuated with Damien (the jerk Trudy [the bank teller] currently likes). My plan is called… PLAN PRANK! I resolve to drive Damien absolutely nuts with clever, cunning pranks, thereby making him lose his temper with me, thereby making Trudy break up with him.
I don't know. Just lucky I guess.
So anyway, here are some possible pranks I'm going to pull on Damien, that will hopefully drive him ker-AZY!
1. Ketchup packets under the toilet seat. After casing out the bank where Damien and Trudy work for a month, I'll learn Damien's poopy habits. (PMF!) Like when he goes, and stuff. Then I'll put two open ketchup packets underneath the knobby parts of the toilet seat, so when he sits down? SPLURT! Ketchup will shoot all over the back of his legs and pants! HAW! What a hoot!
2) Crickets in Damien's walls. This will drive him bonkers. I'll sneak into his apartment, take off the wall plug covers, and dump a jar-full of crickets into his wall. They'll start chirping, Damien won't know where to find them, and will eventually go insane. Then he'll have to be sent off to a mental asylum somewhere, and Trudy will date me instead.
3) Put rubber bands on his light bulbs. Eventually Damien will be overcome by the smell of burning rubber, go insane and be committed to a mental asylum.
4) Call the FBI and tell them Damien is a member of al-Qaida. HO! HO! HO! That'll get him good.

Oh, crap. (PMF!) I forgot that Damien occasionally reads this blog. Well, I was just kidding anyway. I wouldn't really play any pranks on Damien.
(Just kidding! Really I would, I just want Damien to think I wouldn't. Wink!)
However, if YOU have any good pranks I could play on Damien please supply them in the comments section below this post which I am writing right now.

Did you read where they are selling cucumber flavored Pepsi in Japan? WHY DO THEY GET ALL THE FUN??


Cee in SF said...

Put some flour in his hair dryer so when he turns it on, it'll blow all over him. That's some good times...

J2 said...

Careful, Jesus! Pranks have a nasty way of backfiring. Better to drive Damien ker-AZY by being really nice to Trudy and ignoring him. Damien and his "sweet abs" as he likes to call them wouldn't be able to handle NOT getting attention.

Meanwhile...CUCUMBER Pepsi? Yup, the Japanese get to have some outtasight cool products. I like melon soda. I have to go to Uwajimaya or Anzen to get that. Or Japan. What a great excuse for a vacation! OUTTASIGHT! Cheers!

Chris said...

OH Jesus... How I wish you would fall out of love with Trudy (TBT) and in love with me. However, as far as pranks go... I think I would take oreo cookies... and untwist one side and put the cream side onto his car... spell out the words Jesus was here.... call up the local news channels and newspapers... and then they will come and it will be like a huge thing on tv... that is sure to piss (PMF) him off... because everyone will constantly be asking him about jesus touching his car. Or another good prank is to blow out the pilot light on his stove... and crank that baby up... next time Damien goes to light his bowl... which we all know he smokes... BOOM! Can't wait to hear what happens.

Morgan said...

Jesus... can't you see how this is all going to blow up in your face? Trudy's going to get mad at YOU for pranking Damien, not for him getting angry with you.
I'd be a little more subtle.

Rebecca said...

Jesus: Aren't there any OTHER girls you like? Try dating someone else. Don't prank Damien unless you want Trudy to be really, ReallY, REALLY mad at you!

Sammie said...

You could put crazy glue all over his phone so that it will stick to his hand and side of his face.
Or, you could put saran wrap over his toilet and his pee (PMF) would splash all over him....
Or you could call a painter to come and paint his house bright neon pink with green and blue window sashes....
However, maybe the best way to get even is to take the high road and "turn the other cheek", as your father or you once said. He may be waiting for you to try and mess with him and then he will do something to make you look bad for messing with him.
In any case, I wish you good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Pajama Soup said...

I agree with j2, ignoring Damien will make him more nuts than anything.

As for your cricket idea, shame on you! Those are living creatures just going about their business, how dare you exploit them by putting them into his walls for your childish little prank where they'll surely die!

l.b. said...

If you can get into his apartment, you should put some blue dye into his showerhead. When he steps in and turns on the shower he will be sprayed all blue! That would be hilarious. When you caught sight of him later you could laugh and laugh. Plus, you could tell Trudy he probably got that way from swimming with the Tidy Bowl Man. That would be gross. She won't want to date someone who swims in the toilet (PMF?)

Missy A said...

I agree with a few others the best prank would be not to talk to him at all, just totally ignore him act like he isn't even there!
He craves attention so he will just totally go nuts without it

Whats the word??? .... oh yeah thats right Shun ...Shun him

The_Myth said...

Sweet Fancy Jesus!

Just turn his water into wine everyday and turn him into an alcoholic.

Gluttony shall be his undoing.

Anonymous said...

dude, i don't think this is right. trudy will eventually come to her senses and dump damien anyway, but making her dump him by intentionally driving him insane is bad. she'd be doing the right thing for the wrong reason. plus, what if trudy found out you were trying to get her to dump him? that'll totally mess stuff up.

Big Headed Jen - friend of Burrito Martinez said...

Has anyone heard from Burrito Martinez? He is missing!! Jesus, where did you put him?

minniemama68 said...

Oh Sweet Sweet Ninja o'mine,
Don't sink to D-bag's (PMF) level. And everyone is right, you WILL t-off (PMF again) Trudy. If you want to capture her heart, continue to play it cool man!!!! You know how. The cowboy hat, the crisp white t-shirt, big belt buckle, the soul patch---and just for good measure and to help out your old friend, Sheri (aka minniemama) bring Nancy Grace with you. I NEED the secret to her hair. Now, be a good Christ and behave or this sheet (PMF) will blow up in your face and you'll come back crying that Trudy hates you. Damien isn't worth your time.
Oh, and before I forget, go to Disney World, at Epcot, there's an entire exhibit of Coca Cola from around the world, where you get to try all different flavors of Coca Cola. We had a blast when we went.

Have you seen Burrito lately????
I do miss him too. Hope he didn't get some bad brownies that made him sick or something......

Oh Sweet Moses! said...

Oh JHC! Pranks are beneath you. Don't stoop down to his level coz you will hurt your back. The best way to deal with (sweet abs)Damien and (bank teller)Trudy would be to focus your attention to another gal and give those two nitwits a cold shoulder everytime you hang out with 'em. In the meantime, I wanna hear more Karen, gamboling, (Holy Ghost)Doris, party pants and cowboy hats! Just be fabulous and everything around you will be fabulous as well.

jdub said...

I agree with rebecca...isn't there another girl out there. Go check out the food court at the mall, there has to be some fine women there you can ask out. Do you really want to date Trudy after she has been dating Damien?

Norrin2 said...

Jesus H. Christ, WTF is wrong with you? (PMF) It's called karma, you silly Son of Man, you. Whatever you do to Damien will come back to you tenfold. The best thing you could do is wish him well -- sincerely wish him well.
As the expression goes, there are plenty of other fish in the sea. In fact, I got a feeling for you the number of fish might be limitless.

Stacy&Jaye said...

I believe the reason for Cucumber pepsi is due to Pepsi's research into foreign flavor preferences. Cucumber is a "summer" flavor, whereas hot peppers (I think) are a winter flavor. They do the same kind of thing with chips.

Perhaps you could switch Damien's soda with a cucumber flavored one. I personally would find it shocking and disgusting.

The Ichthyophile said...

I say, just downplay the whole deal about Damien dating her. In fact, let him believe you WANT him to date her.
e.g. "go ahead man, she's all yours."
I think that happened on a seinfeld episode with Newman. He'll start to wonder if you know something about her. He may break up with her just in case your right....then WHO will "be there for her"? JC! That was on a Seinfeld episode too.

pardon my "e.g."

Aunty Christ said...

First of all, it needs to be said that you should not. Listen. To. These. People. Above. Me. Except perhaps the ones with funny prank idea. The ones telling you not to prank Damien obviously don't know what they're talking about. Now, you want a good prank, you oughta make nice with Damien and invite him to your house for a slumber party. Then, after he falls asleep, put his hand in a bowl of warm water, and he'll pee his pants (PMF). Either that or freeze his bra. It's funny! He'll be so mad!

Or maybe I could lure Damien away from Trudy. Does he like older women? Legal women with possible access to Pepsi Cucumber Ice?

missjaninek said...

I always love taking tape and taping closed that little sprayer on the sink and then when they go to turn the water on - BAM! water in the face!

the queen said...

Punking Damien will not get Trudy to like you. I've just read "The Five Love Languages" and obviously Trudy expresses love by touching. You express love by giving food like steak and corn dogs and Chik-o-stik. You should show Trudy how you feel the same way she expresses how she feels. You should put your finger in her mouth.

Burrito Martinez said...

Hola Jesus (Hay-Soos),
I'm back! Thanks to those who were wondering about me. I've been a little out of circulation so to speak. My man Jesus (hay-soos), I thought you were supposed to be looking out for me. I got all caught up in some crazy undercover operation sh*t (pmf). On the outside now ninja, it's all good.
Dude, i had a lot of catching up to do. You've been bu-zizzy! My head is spinnin, and not from the green if you know what i mean.
Shout out to Big Head Jen and where's my girl YGRS? She dump me while I was in the big house? Man, and we were just getting it going too. Life is a b-word (PMF).
Good luck with the pranks ninja.
Your amigo,
Burrito (roll the r's)
p.s. hearing is next week, you got my back?

Ja'AmLo said...

Ninja Hank, or Hinja as I like to call you,

Put raw shrimp in his curtain rods and then put the caps back on the ends. The smell will drive him insane and he'll never find the source.

KellyChristine said...

You should really treat Damien like a little kid throwing a tantrum. IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE. He needs attention to thrive, and will be more and more of a d-bag (PMF) the more you stay nice and calm and ignore him. Kill him with kindness.

Cucumbers are kind of nasty flavored. But do you think your skin would like nice if you soaked your face in the cucumber pepsi?

Jesus H. Christ said...

With apologies to Ashton Kutcher.

1) HA!!
2) Japan is such a long trip. Maybe I'll just drop a cucumber in my Pepsi.
3) HA! Ka-BOOM! HA!
4) HA! Ka-BOOM! HA!
5) I want Trudy to like me.
6) I'll turn the other cheek, and cover his with Saran Wrap! HA!
7) I only choose terminally ill crickets.
9) He shall be shunned!
10) Too expensive.
11) Maybe you're right. I'd have to drive her insane, too.
12) Nope, haven't seen him. Anybody seen Burrito?
13) You're really obsessed with this Nancy Grace person.
14) I met a high school cheerleader this weekend. (See latest post.) How about her?
15) How about that high school cheerleader?
16) Can one of the fish be a high school cheerleader?
17) Or maybe a hot pepper Pepsi! HA!
18) e.g. acknowledged and forgiven. Let us never speak of it again.
21) EW! I can't put my finger in Trudy's mouth! Damien's tongue has been there!
22) Man, I wish I could go to prison. Free food and Paris Hilton, too! They've got EVERYTHING there!
24) Can I kill him without the kindness?

Sarah said...

Put Icy Hot on his toilet seat! Or, take a tampon, light a match, stick it in the tampon, and then put it somewhere that he's guaranteed to find it. If he has a piano, put it there. Probably it will blow the piano up!