Thursday, June 28, 2007

The football player gets the girl.

Hi! What'sa happenin', hot stuff? I took that from Sixteen Candles. I'm watching a lot of high school movies, since I'm going to be attending high school. And… I'M THRILLED about it! This "joining the local high school football team" thingy (see yesterday's post) is the best thing to happen to me since Karen (that's my lamb) gamboled into my life. And even better? I'm thinking it's a sure bet to make Trudy (my bank teller heartthrob) like me… and when I say "like me," I mean "LIKE me, LIKE me." As Jeremy (my new shirtless football playing teammate) likes to say, "Chicks like football players. And I mean LIKE, LIKE."
So anyway! Today was my lunch meeting (I'm not ostentatious enough to call it a date) with Trudy at the mall food court, and you should've seen her jaw DROP when I was waiting for her in my full football costume—sorry, "uniform"—and pads!
"What… in the world…" she said. "I LOVE it. Are you going to a costume party or something? It's totally real!"
"Nope," I said smiling. "Trudy, meet the newest member of the local high school football team."
"GET… OUT!! Really??" she squealed. (I love making her squeal.) "That is the most awesome thing ever! I'm so happy for you! I don't know how you did it, but you have really outdone your…"
"Well… well… if it isn't Jesus Lombardi!" (That's right… DAMIEN.) "Another day, another stupid costume, huh, Jesus?"
"It's a UNIFORM, Damien," I corrected.
"Damien… I told you not to follow me today," Trudy said.
"Last time I checked, it's a free country! Even if you want to dress like an IDIOT."
"I'm not just dressed this way, Damien. I'm the newest member of the local high school football team."
(It should be noted at this point, that I really despise Damien's laugh. It's a grating, high pitched laugh that digs into the marrow of your bones.)
"Stop it! You're killing me!" he screamed with laughter. "YOU?! FOOTBALL?"
Damien turned around to see all my fellow teammates standing behind him.
"Jesus is our new receiver. WHOOOOOO!!!" Jeremy said. "You got a problem with that?"
"It's… ahem… it's a free country," Damien whispered.
"Yeah. Yeah, it is," Jeremy said menacingly, before turning to me. "Hey Jesus, you inviting your friends to tomorrow's big game?"
"Sure," I said. "If they can come."
"You're kidding me, right?" Trudy squealed again. "OF COURSE! I wouldn't miss it for the world!!"
"Neither would I," Damien said, trying desperately to stare daggers through the holes in my wrists.

Oh, boy. That was really a great moment. And Damien just sat there and stewed for the rest of the lunch, while I recounted the entire story to Trudy about how I made the team. (It also didn't hurt when a couple of the more attractive cheerleaders dropped by to say hello.)
My one and only concern is something Damien said to me, right before he left:

"Good luck at tomorrow's big game, Jesus. It would be really bad if everything suddenly went HORRIBLY WRONG."

What do you think he meant by that? Eh. Probably nothing.
Drop back by tomorrow to hear the results of the big game. I hope I win. WHOOOOOO!!!


Oh Sweet Moses! said...

If I were you, I'd drop (your lamb)Karen at (your new shirtless football teammate) Jeremy's place. I have a feeling (sweet abs) Damien will try to kidnap her just so you'd play badly because you can't concentrate. Oooh, does Jeremy look like Jake Ryan? I heart Jake Ryan!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

ummmm...he meant he will make something go horribly wrong. WATCH YOUR BACK, jesus!!

lee said...

You've been tagged, jesus. Visit for the rules.

Morgan said...


Sammie said...

Dot your i's and cross your t's---it's going to be a rough ride!!!!
I think you should ask your Dad to look out for you and sweet little Karen!
Good luck! WHOOOOO!

Big Headed Jen - friend of Burrito Martinez said...

Dear Jesus,
This is very upsetting. Damien is going too far with his creepy threat-type comments. Please, please mkae sure Karen (your lamb) is safe. Team mascots (which in my mind Karen is) are stolen all the time. Also, check your uniform for itching powder. Last, make sure the football is not ticking.
I thought it was funny when you said Damien was staring daggers through the holes in your hands.

Thank you Jesus for all of the chocolate chips I found in my cupboard. I thought I was out and I said to myself "Jesus!! Where'd those chips go?!" and then I looked harder and found them. Mmmmmmm. You're the best! Amen.

minniemama68 said...

Oh my dear Sweet Jesus,
He's up to something, just like I said, watch out. He is jealous as all be (PMF). Keep Karen at home and make sure she knows not to answer the door for anyone!!!! Good luck at your game tomorrow. Try to keep your head in the game and not looking at Trudy (the bank teller). We all love you!!!!

Georgina Ragazza said...

Nice one, Jesus!!

We all love sports here in Blighty - although, of course, when you say football here it means the game with the little round ball and people like David Beckham.

And you know how the girls all love David Beckham!

As far as Damien the G-man is concerned (PMF) - his bad karma is waaaay over due. Please please please keep Karen safe, Ninja!!

And good luck with Trudy - the good guy always wins. You just remember that!

SweetLikeJesus said...

Yep, J-man, I agree with everyone else... Make sure Karen is safe while you are away.

Also... be careful tomorrow and keep your jockstrap in your sight at all times. Damien is up to no friggin good (PMF).

Good Luck, my Ninja!

Ja'AmLo said...


Before you go to the game, you have to rent the movie "The Last Boyscout" from 1991. This will prepare you for what you are going to have to do to thwart Damien's plans.

What city is the game in?

ChillyMama said...

Dear Jesus,

Nice use of the word "ostentatious"! Hey to Karen! Peace out, ninja.

PS: Totally rooting for you and your boys. WHOOOOOOOOOO! GO TEAM!

J2 said...

Yo, Receive-sus! (I made that bit up from your football position and your name. Yeah, I know...lame.)

The other posters are spot on about watching out for Karen and uniform "malfunctions."

Remember, there's no "i" in team! You, Jeremy, and the guys will be a great TEAM!

Play fair...and Cheers!

Chris said...

Jesus... I think Karen needs to become the new mascott... and I think that you should ditch Trudy, and hook up with one of the football players... LOL, oh wait nevermind.... they are still in H.S. ummmmm.... hook up with the coach, only if he is hot though

Burrito Martinez said...

Hola Jesus,
I'm watching Big Headed Jen's dog Mr. J. As you know he has seizures and needs liquid valium injected up his A-word (PMF) when he has one. Well, i need your help so that he doesn't have any seizures before Monday because the valium is all gone! Where is it you ask, has he had a lot of seizures today? No he hasn't had any. Where do think it went? Uh huh.. I feel horrible (now that it's worn off). If he has a seizure I don't know what i'll do. Please do what you can. I don't want Jen to get mad and head butt me.
Good luck at the game. I'm reading a book on VooDoo. I'll come up with something to slow Damien down for you. I too think he is after Karen (gamboling lamb). Keep a close eye on her.
Peace out Ninja.
Burrito (roll the r's) Martinez

The Ichthyophile said...

Damien's hinting at some foul play?

don't leave your jock strap DO have a jock strap, right?

Jesus H. Christ said...

It's nice to have shirtless football players for friends.

1) He's a total Jake Ryan.
2) Consider it watched!
3) Those darn graffiti kids! (PMF!)
6) I want some chocolate chips.
7) If I had left Karen at home, she wouldn't have gotten her cheerleading outfit.
8) Yay! (What's a blighty?)
9) What's a jockstrap?
10) Does that star the guy who was Homey the Clown? He's funny!
12) Cheers! WHOOOOOO!!!
13) Yeah… the coach kind of looks like Ernest Borgnine.
14) I think I might have some seizure medicine in my cabinet. I'll check. … nope.