How now, blog cow? Me, I'm pretty good. Actually I'm kind of confused because a) I'm supposed to meet Trudy (she's a bank teller… I like her… we have a complicated relationship… read the previous 47 blog posts for details) at the mall food court tomorrow for lunch, and I know I'm supposed to act all cool and stuff, but it's gonna be really awkward, and I'm probably going to end up acting like a ding-a-ling. And b) today it was reported that the Pope issued a new "Ten Commandments" but this one is all about driving etiquette. Yeah… that's what I said. "WHAAAAAAA???" But it's true. Here, read the report. By clicking on this blue thing, right HERE.
Can you believe that? It's like the Pope suddenly woke up and said, "Hmmm… you know… I don't think I'm meddling enough in people's lives. How about I restrict birth contro… no… did that. Ooh! How about if I ban gay peop… no… did that. Hmmmm… OH, I KNOW! Now I'll tell drivers what to do!" (By the way, the Pope really didn't say those things… that was just me being sarcastic.)
Anywhoop, here are the brand new Ten Commandments of Driving as passed down from the Vatican. (Sob! I'm so happy I could cry!) (Sarcasm.)
1. You shall not kill. (No "S," Herlock.)
2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm. (What? Is he telling us to talk on our cell phones while driving? That's DANGEROUS.)
3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events. ("Uprightness?" Like those teenagers who drive around all slumped down in their seats? That does look dangerous.)
4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents. (Oh, really? I was thinking about letting them bleed to death on the side of the road. Sarcasm.)
5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin. (Hey, rednecks and teenagers who like to have sex in cars! He's talking to YOU!)
6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so. ("Donnie? If I may, I believe you have imbibed too many beer bongs. If you are currently considering operating a motorized vehicle, may I further suggest that you are not in a fitting condition to do so.")
7. Support the families of accident victims. (Oh really? I was thinking of laughing while their loved ones bled to death on the side of the road. Sarcasm.)
8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness. (Isn't that the job of the insurance companies?)
9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party. (That would be me, everybody. I ride a bicycle.)
10. Feel responsible toward others. (Let me guess, the Pope ran out of ideas and couldn't think of a 10th commandment. Hey, Pope! That one has already been covered! Here, let me help out: Thou shalt not stop in the middle of the street to talk to your friend. Or how about this one: Thou shalt not covet thou neighbor's Hummer. Or how about: If thou are in the passenger seat, thou shall not lean over and honk the driver's horn. C'mon people! That is SO rude!
Got any more?