Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Mmmm… the Pope doesn't even drive.

How now, blog cow? Me, I'm pretty good. Actually I'm kind of confused because a) I'm supposed to meet Trudy (she's a bank teller… I like her… we have a complicated relationship… read the previous 47 blog posts for details) at the mall food court tomorrow for lunch, and I know I'm supposed to act all cool and stuff, but it's gonna be really awkward, and I'm probably going to end up acting like a ding-a-ling. And b) today it was reported that the Pope issued a new "Ten Commandments" but this one is all about driving etiquette. Yeah… that's what I said. "WHAAAAAAA???" But it's true. Here, read the report. By clicking on this blue thing, right HERE.
Can you believe that? It's like the Pope suddenly woke up and said, "Hmmm… you know… I don't think I'm meddling enough in people's lives. How about I restrict birth contro… no… did that. Ooh! How about if I ban gay peop… no… did that. Hmmmm… OH, I KNOW! Now I'll tell drivers what to do!" (By the way, the Pope really didn't say those things… that was just me being sarcastic.)
Anywhoop, here are the brand new Ten Commandments of Driving as passed down from the Vatican. (Sob! I'm so happy I could cry!) (Sarcasm.)

1. You shall not kill. (No "S," Herlock.)

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm. (What? Is he telling us to talk on our cell phones while driving? That's DANGEROUS.)

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events. ("Uprightness?" Like those teenagers who drive around all slumped down in their seats? That does look dangerous.)

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents. (Oh, really? I was thinking about letting them bleed to death on the side of the road. Sarcasm.)

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin. (Hey, rednecks and teenagers who like to have sex in cars! He's talking to YOU!)

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so. ("Donnie? If I may, I believe you have imbibed too many beer bongs. If you are currently considering operating a motorized vehicle, may I further suggest that you are not in a fitting condition to do so.")

7. Support the families of accident victims. (Oh really? I was thinking of laughing while their loved ones bled to death on the side of the road. Sarcasm.)

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness. (Isn't that the job of the insurance companies?)

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party. (That would be me, everybody. I ride a bicycle.)

10. Feel responsible toward others. (Let me guess, the Pope ran out of ideas and couldn't think of a 10th commandment. Hey, Pope! That one has already been covered! Here, let me help out: Thou shalt not stop in the middle of the street to talk to your friend. Or how about this one: Thou shalt not covet thou neighbor's Hummer. Or how about: If thou are in the passenger seat, thou shall not lean over and honk the driver's horn. C'mon people! That is SO rude!

Got any more?


Catfish said...

How about:
On Fridays you shall flash your boobs at other passing motorists for the benefit of all mankind.
Thou shall be sure to wash your vehicle and comfort those whos vehicles are unclean.
I wish he would have said:
Honk if your horny (not French, that would be hornier with some funny squiggles above it)(PMF for hornier and squiggles, 'cause that sure sounds dirty, like french people).

Catfish said...

You're Horny... pardon my spelling... Your Horny is a completely different thing...

Choirboy said...

So will Catlicks have to have a special drivers' license? Will they have their own lane to drive in? Then the Lutherans will want their own and stuff. It's gonna get ugly.

Oh Sweet Moses! said...

I think we should vote to ban the popemobile (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Popemobile_May_2007.jpg). As Pope who should be promoting humility and not extravagance, he should walk, use ugly walking cane, and wear tattered clothes like us back in the day. Besides, that car is just plain ugly!

Oh Sweet Moses! said...

By the way, were these new commandments written on tablets for him to carry around the world? I bet he's got some altar boy carrying it for him.

you guys r silly said...

Hi Jesus!
How about this one:
Thou shalt not tailgate thy law-abiding neighbor's car in front of thee & try to make them drive 1000 mph even though it's posted all over the frickin' (PMF) place that the speed limit is 35 mph but thee thinkest thee SHOULD drive however the hell fast thee wants to because thee are just a simple son of a bitch. (I don't think bitch is actually a french word, is it?)
Is that a good one???
P.S. I lubbs you Jesus!

you guys r silly said...

If I ever drive by you when you're riding your bike, I will DEFINATELY protect you dude!
( Does your bike have reflective strips on it? )

damien said...

Thou shalt not slow to a near stop when therest be an accident on the other side of the highway.

or If thou whilst ride a bicycle, thouest shalt only ride in the bicycle lane. Otherwise do not ride in the middle of the lane or you are prone to get run over.

Mike Noga said...

Hi Jeebus,
WHat do you think about those folks who put the little fish on their car because they say it represents you? Do you feel more responsible for them, or is it an imposition on their part? Are they like the people who put Policemen's Benevolent Fund stickers on their car in hopes that they won't get a ticket?
Also I have a Commandment. "Thou shalt not allow Burger King wrappers to congregate on the floor of thy car to a depth of more than 3 inches." Also, isn't it fun to talk with "thees" and "thous"? I'm gonna do it for the rest of the day.

jdub said...

How about....Thou shalt not lift your truck to be ten feet high with tractor sized wheels on it and you have to use a ladder to get in

Do you think people do that to make other people feel small and to make up for their own shortcomings?

J2 said...

Thou shalt not jabber on one's telecommunications devices whilst operating one's vehicle. (That covers bicycles, too.)

Thou shalt not commit acts of Road Rage. (It's unbecoming and very ego-centric.)

How 'bout this one: Thou SHALT wave in a friendly manner to other drivers who are particularly courteous unto thee. Or give 'em a big "OUTTASIGHT" gesture of some polite sort.


Sammie said...

How about "Thou shalt not put those stupid bumper stickers on your car that are impossible to read until you're up their tailpipe", or "Thou shalt not put those bumper stickers touting their children's superior smartness status"? (When I see a "My child is on the honor roll of Bumwad elementary", I want to add another one stating, "but I'm still an idiot"!)
Just a suggestion!

minniemama68 said...

I'm a Catholic and this new Pope dude is a little wierd. I just loved John Paul. He was da man and this Benedict guy just doesn't cut it. Anywhooo, I think your dad needs to get on those nutbags (PMF) who think that they can talk on their phones and drive and eat lunch at the same time. Whatcha think, my ninja????

sheena said...

three things:

1. the pope is an evil antisemite.
2. good luck on your lunch with trudy! just be cool ... like a cucumber. or a pickle.
3. isn't ding-a-ling a PMF word?

you guys r silly said...

It's me again Jesus!
I just remembered - I had a friend whose hamster escaped in her car and she just let it LIVE there until it died about a month later.
There definately should be some kind of Commandment against THAT, don't you think?
( I still lubbs you Jesus! )

Oh Sweet Moses! said...

... and while we're at it, how about them ladies putting on make ups while driving? I always say "hey woman, if you can't make yourself pretty in front of the vanity, there is no way that's gonna happen after you disfigured your face from the accident!"

Ok, it looks like the Pope will need to revise his commandments.

Das said...

Who but a bunch of backwater smarm-meisters would think it cutting edge to sit arund lousing up Jesus in 2007? Yawn. Snore.

Got to hand it to the right - they at least have the courage to take on the world's worst mass murderers since the nazis in the jihad crazies. Tell you what, I'll take you guys seriously when you gin up the courage to take on Mohammed and his followers ha! - didn't think so. See the urine stain of fear spreading out from your mid section. back to the ever -safe dinking around with Jesus. snorrre.

Jesus H. Christ said...

What does the Pope know about driving?

1) Oh, goodness.
2) Oh, goodness again.
3) And don't even start with the Episcopalians.
4) And if he's not going to walk, at least he could "pimp" it out.
5) Altar boys? Let's not go there.
6) Good one! And yes, that's a bad word. PYF!
7) It has a banana seat and tassles on the handlebars.
8) I hate it when I agree with you.
9) Yeah, what's up with that fish "representing" me? Are they trying to tell me something?
10) I'm too scared to ask them!
11) Outtasight!
12) Like that bumper sticker that says, "I'll be glad when the military has to hold a bake sale to buy a B-1 Bomber," or whatever. Why not just write a book?
13) Yeah… Benedict creeps me out.
14) Oops. I suppose Ding-a-ling is a PMF word. PMF!
15) Poor hamster!
16) That's kind of a long commandment.
17) Mmmm… what? Have a nice day!

Kato said...

Commandment 11: Unless thou art a hemorrhoid, get off my ass.

Abelard said...

Well... did you know that although BXVI often addresses the whole world (sorta like we do when we post something on the web) his message is particularly directed to all those with the "catholic" label? Are there any such specimens in this forum????? Im particularly interested in "catholics" who feel bossed around by BXVI... who feel like he is meddling in their lives... who feel they have a right to disagree with him and still wear the label "catholic"....to them I say:
what value has this label to you in the first place???
Is it really a big deal if you lose it? How can we appreciate what "being out" means if we don't ask ourselves first what "being in" means????? And to the rest of our distinguished audence who are not "catholics" but still can't help feeling bothered by what BXVI is saying... let me tell you that I have been around "catholics" and believe me, they don't talk so much about BXVI as you do... what is the source of this anxiety that drives people to be so vexed about what one man is saying???? Important questions....If anybody is into self-discovery, of course.

Abelard2 said...

It would seem that this is one big "ghost town" of a website... last comment was in 2007... well, maybe I will amuse myself until somebody shows up.
I have another side issue to talk about: It is about "gays" and "straights"... I personaly don't like those labels because it makes it look like we have sex all figured out... but this is an fuzzy issue. It is under our skin, we can't quite pin it down enough to start labeling ourselves this or that way... pardon my french, but we are "putting our privates on our face" by identifying ourselves in this way. Let me begin with us "straights." We sound like we have such a wholesome sexual education, but do we? Im going to put aside the gay/straight issue and proceed to draw another distinction, drawing a line that has both "gays" and "straights" on both sides. This line is the issue of sexuality and genitality... I mean that there are people (gays and straights) who understand that sexuality is way way way more than mere genitality, and there are people (gays and straights) that think that sexuality is genitality, and even if they have never admitted it, they act it out in a terrible obsession with or against human sexuality. I better catch my breath... Talk to you latter.