Wednesday, June 13, 2007

Daddy, I'm angry at you.

How are you? That’s interesting, but right now we need to focus on me because I’m angry at my DAD. As we all know, Father’s Day is coming up this Sunday, and while most kids will be with their dads playing baseball in the park, taking bumper car rides, or giving each other big hugs—my dad will be busy IGNORING ME! What’s his stupid problem anyway? He’s the worst dad in the world! And it’s been this way ever since the minute I was born. I mean, what kind of dad allows a baby to be born in a stable?! There’s freaking animal poopy everywhere! (Pardon my French.)
And did I get toys from those “wise men” that my father sent? No, but I did get gold, frankincense and myrrh! Who were those creeps anyway? They could’ve been pedophiles or day laborers as far as dad knew! And do you know how many times dad visited me when I was growing up? Let’s see… hmmmm… how about ZILCH? But I could’ve lived with that. Really, I could’ve. Except that every time I did something totally on my own—such as my magician act where I walked on water or “raised people from the dead”—people would always pooh-pooh it because I was “the son of God!” HEY PEOPLE! I WORKED HARD ON THOSE MAGIC TRICKS! THE OCCULT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!!
But maybe I’m being too rough on my dad. Maybe he was just an ordinary deity who was busy with more pressing matters and simply didn’t have enough time to PULL ME OFF THAT CROSS AND REMOVE THE SPIKES THAT WERE HAMMERED THROUGH MY WRISTS!!
So if you happen to be reading my blog, dad? Don’t expect any cigars, or Old Spice aftershave this year for Father’s Day. Because I am very, very, VERY angry at you!
(By the way, can you send me your new address? Your card got returned in the mail.)


Choirboy said...

It all comes down to being proud of your own achievements, Jesus. You worked hard on those magic tricks and they worked. Hell,(PMF) people still talk about them.

Did you like your stepfather? I didn't like mine. A-hole (PMF). Used to hide food from me and stare at me while I ate. Wound up with an eating disorder as a result.

My Dad was in a mental asylum on Christmas Day one year. That was pretty weird. Like I didn't know where he was at and stuff and had to ask all these crazy people who kept grabbing me. And on YOUR birthday, of all things. My stepmother put him there for being a drunk. Man, she was a total "B".

So what do you think of Chris Angel and David Blaine? What's up with them? They scare me. Are people ever scared of you?

The Ichthyophile said...

Jesus, do you still have your carpenter skills? Does your dad have Myspace? If so I bet he doesn't even have you on His top friends list..but I bet you he has that D-bag Tom still on there. And it's not because He's too busy to remove him....he's just being a bad dad.

If you've still got your carpenter skills, make Francois a chair but rig it so the legs fall off soon as he sits in it!

LeLo in NoPo said...

Dear Jesus,
Hi, it's your friend Lelo again. Long time no see! I've been meaning to tell you...I think maybe you should see a counselor or somebody who can help you work through these issues. You're going through a tough patch right now, and you don't have to go it alone. Trudy, your can really take its toll on you. I'm just lookin' out for you Jesus.

Stay gold, pony boy. Stay gold.

Catfish said...

You could always pretend that your dad doesn't exist like the rest of us...
Or worse yet, get him some DRAKKAR NOIR aftershave... that would teach him!!!
Wanna hear something funny? OK! My dad is... a... CARPENTER!!! DOH!!! For real, dude!
Oh, and dude, I read it in Time magazine or something, that you were a follower of buhhda... I think it said something like: Notable Buddhists include Richard Gere, Morrissey and Jesus Christ. I may have you confused with the other Jesus though... Are you the dude with the popsicle sticks?
Did you watch the video I mentioned? Did you notice that he said that at the Lesbian bar the were all "laissez faire"... HEHHEH, get it, "LEZZ" faire... HAHAH... oh, thats rich...
p.s. I love lesbians, I think they are some of the finest people in the world.
p.p.s.: I used to work with this dude that had an imaginary wife... we figured he made her up because we never actually saw her, only heard about her... sound familiar??? Your "dad" doesn't have a imaginary gangrenous cyst on his back, does he???

Catfish said...

Oh, yeah, I forgot...
laissez faire... Pardon my French...
HaHa... French...

Missy A said...

he's just your biological father ..(well he would be if it wasn't imaculate conception)

Joseph is your father he brought you up raised you taught you carpentry I would be giving him the old spice after al he did put in all the work all the "fathering" work at least I hope so

Just how was Joseph as a father anyway?

Rebecca said...

Wow, a post that's not about Trudy!?!?

I think that means you ARE feeling better about things with her.

So: Chin up, my ninja! Did you know that if you hold your chin high enough, you can be a chinja? If you want to know how cool that would be, it would be VERY cool. Like "I can do anything with my chin, including kicking your butt (PMF)" cool.

Maybe some solidarity would help. So let's ALL be chinjas--chinjas in Christ, who join together in communion to collect Karen the Lamb trading cards.

Big Headed Jen - friend of Burrito Martinez said...

Hi Jesus (hay-soos),

It's good to get your feeling for your dad out in the open. Have you 2 thought of going to counseling or maybe Vegas (that's where I am right now and it was hot here today which reminded me of hell (PMF) which reminded me of when I went to counseling which is what made me think to recommend it to you)?

I also want to know more about you and Joe. He seems like a cool step-dad. Did he help you make sandals? Chrstimas is not a good day to go to the dentist.

The_Myth said...

A great poet once sang:

It's funny that way, you can get used
To the tears and the pain
What a child will believe
You never loved me

You can't hurt me now
I got away from you, I never thought I would
You can't make me cry, you once had the power
I never felt so good about myself

Seems like yesterday
I lay down next to your boots and I prayed
For your anger to end
Oh Father I have sinned

Oh Father, you never wanted to live that way
you never wanted to hurt me
Why am I running away?

Maybe someday
When I look back I'll be able to say
You didn't mean to be cruel
Somebody hurt you too

That poet?


Is she related to you by any chance?

Mike Noga said...

Hey Jeebus,
BITTER much?!

Narcess said...

I alway knew your dad was a tool. As sucky as it is my brother, you always have Karen. BTW when you meet with your dad kick him in the junk for me. Believe me he needs it.

Jon said...

When did you become such a hatemonger, Jesus? Regardless, I wanted to find out if you kept the myrrh. You'd probably kill selling that on eBay.

Aunty Christ said...

Hey, Jesus, I dunno, dude. On the one hand, do you think your dad would be where he is today if he took time out to see all your Little League games and sign all your report cards? Answer: No, he would not be. He's famous, man! He's a big shot! Just think about how Alec Baldwin treated his little, snotty (pardon my French) daughter for wasting his time, and Alec Baldwin isn't even as big and important as your dad!

Still, might I suggest that you get your dad a Harry Chapin CD for Father's Day? I guarantee he'll mist up when he hears the last couple verses of "Cat's in the Cradle." Gets 'em every time.

princeO'darkness said...

FINALLY! I've always hated your(Our?) Dad too, and I've just been waiting for you to come around. Welcome, bro!

Now, uh, I think we all learned our lesson from Last Time, that you can't exactly Go To War against G_d, but you certainly can tell everybody about his dark side (The Uzzites? Hel-lo?).

So yeah. I hate him too! Wanna hang out? I keep calling you, and everything...

Oh Sweet Moses! said...

Hey JC,

Moses here. Sorry if I have not been keeping in touch. Your dad is a total d-head (PMF). I dunno if you heard but We had a lot of disagreements back in the day. He could have asked somebody to crochet the commandments on a piece of cloth but noooooooo! He had to use lightning and stones. What a show off! And I am telling you, those tablets were effing heavy (PMF). Then he wanted me to use my uber cheap cane to part the Red Sea. I was like, "Dude, can you at least lend me a magic wand? How do you expect these people to respect and follow me?" But the final straw was when he wanted Elvis Presley to portray me in the movie. I was rooting for Paul Newman. Needless to say, we compromised and got Charlton Heston. It took Johnny Carson on The Tonight Show to get us sit on the same couch and talk things over on live TV.

As for your issues, I have one word for you that will resolve all your problems. Oprah! Man, she's like a modern day Mother Theresa (except to the rappers). She'll make it a very special live event and get your dad, Trudy (a bank teller), Damien, Karen (your lamb), annoying Francoise and even Dr. J. Hovley. Maybe Doris, the holy ghost will make a satellite appearance too. I have yet to meet someone who will say no to her. I'd say pick up the phone and get on her calendar man. She won't say no to you. Best of luck kiddo.

What are you doing on July 4th? I am having a bbq party with the apostles and Abraham. You are more than welcome to join us. Bring Karen too. No lambs chops, I promise!


you guys r silly said...

Hi Jesus!
I'm really missing the monocled, tophat-wearing, peppy Ninja Jesus who used to watch Karen (your lamb) gambol, visited Granny Christ like a good grandson, and decided to start doing everything Big Willie style.
I think maybe your dad just doesn't deserve a sweet son like you.
Your dad, your dad, why is he forsaking you AGAIN?!
Is he going to let people hammer spikes through your wrists AGAIN?!
I know you love him, but I'm not sure he deserves your love, Jesus.
I won't be back til monday now.
Good luck tomorrow, Mah Squirrel! ( Be sure to wear clean underwear! )
Love you!

my name is not summer said...

Dear Jesus,

I really need to know this. What does the H stand for? Harry? Hiram? Hungry? Hoboe?

sheena said...

Hey dude,

I've been reading your blog the past few days, and I just want to say you've been getting progressively angrier and I'm a little worried about you.

Yes, I know you're going through a lot, but I think maybe you should just slow down, take some deep breaths, and have a snuggle session with Karen.

Speaking of Karen ... do you ever think she'll become a ewe?

Kisses! Go get yourself a chick-o-stick and feel better!

Jesus H. Christ said...

I bet your dad loves you.

1) I like David Blaine, but Criss Angel looks like a d-bag. (PMF.)
2) That's a funny idea! Actually, my carpentry skills stink. (Because I practiced so much on my magic.)
3) That's a great idea. Maybe I can get that lady therapist Tony Soprano uses. She looks nice.
4) Time magazine is worse than the bible when it comes to telling the truth.
5) What? Oh. Heh.
6) Joseph—who is DEAD, btw—was a super cool dad. He bought me my first donkey.
7) You make me grinja.
8) I love Vegas! Bring me back a 99 cent steak dinner from Lots o' Slots.
9) I thought that was Neil Diamond. I wish I was related to him. WOW!
10) Well, if you like my dad so much, maybe you should marry him. Zing! I still like you though.
11) I'm not so sure my dad has junk. I'll check.
12) Actually… I kept the gold. Shhhh…
13) I can't even think about Harry Chapin without crying.
14) Damien? Is that you?
15) Re: my dad. Brother, you're preaching to the choir.
16) Don't worry! As soon as I settle this with my dad, I'm putting back in the monocle!
17) Hank.
18) I feel better. I just needed to blow off some steam. Now I'm going to eat some pancakes.