Friday, June 15, 2007

That was a quick five minutes.


Whoa. Hello! Wow, I would ask how you are, but I'm kind of feeling too blown away at the moment. So regular readers of this blog already know a few things: 1) I like Chick-o-Stix. 2) My mom is dead. 3) I have a lamb. Her name is Karen. 4) The girl I like (Trudy) works at the bank, and doesn't like me right now because I made her date Damien (who is a jerk) in order to regain the second base position on my softball team, and then I flipped out when she tongue kissed him, and then I really flipped out when Damien suggested that my dad was behind the whole mess. Did you know all that about me?
Anyway, it took forever, but I finally set up a five-minute meeting at 3:42 pm today with my dad to confront him, and tell him to STOP dinking around in my life! Naturally, things did NOT go as planned.
When I arrived at dad's offices at 3:37 pm, Francoise (that's his personal assitant) was super snotty to me, and didn't even offer me a Tab. (For some reason, dad's office only serves Tab.) It's too bad. I love Tab. Anyway, I was super-duper nervous, and had so much sweat was pouring out of my pits, Francoise offered to run to the break room for a sponge. He's a jerk.
But finally, I was escorted into dad's office. Oh my dad, that place is SO intimidating! Everything is either leather or mahogany, and he has stupid books lying around with titles such as "The Art of War."
Anyway, here's how the conversation went: (By the way, did I mention that my dad is a non-corporeal being? That is to say, he doesn't have arms, feet, and a head, and stuff? Well… if I didn't… he's a non-coporeal being.)
"Well, well. How's it hanging, son?" he said.
"Actually dad," I said, "since this can only be a five minute conversation, what do you say we dispense with the PMF pleasantries?"
"Okay…"
"I'd like to know why you asked Damien to ruin my life, because I am my own man, dad, and you have to learn to accept me for who I am, especially if you're never going to return my phone calls, or pull me down off the cross even when they're nailing spikes into my wrists, and…"
"Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!" dad said. "Who's Damien?"
"DON'T PLAY DUMB, DAD! He's the guy you paid to steal second base, Trudy, and Karen from me!"
"You're dating two girls now? Niiiiice."
"Wait… what?! I like Trudy—she's a bank teller—but Karen is my lamb!"
"Oh," he said. "That's a weird name for a lamb."
"QUIT TRYING TO CHANGE THE SUBJECT. I only have 3 and a half minutes left."
"Okay, fine. How about this? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT."
"You deny that you paid Damien to ruin my life so I would come to work for you?" I asked.
"Yes."
"Prove it."
"Okay…" he said. "Let's put our cards out on the table. When have I EVER messed with your life, or for that matter, shown you any attention?"

That one stumped me.

"Jesus," he said. "I know I'm not a good dad. That's because I'm not a dad. The way I float around this office, I might as well be a purfume fart." (Pardon his French.) You know as well as I do—probably better than anybody—that those bible stories are made up, and I DON'T GET INVOLVED ANYMORE. Basically I've got about as much power as the Queen of England—except I don't get to make appearances. Look. I'm sorry if you've run into a rough patch, but I didn't cause it to happen. YOU DID. If you lost Trudy, Karen or this second base situation, maybe it's because you didn't do enough to deserve it. But regardless, I can't do anything about that. I'm sorry, but I don't control the weather, and I can't make you happy. You've still got a shot at it though—just remember: nobody's stopping you but you."
"Dad… wow… I'm really…"
"Don't worry about it. I get this all the time. Look, I've got a 3:48 coming in just a second. Do you want a Tab before you leave?"
"No… no, thanks. I gotta go. But dad?"
"Yeah?"
"I know you're not a real dad in the way dad's usually are, but you are my dad anyway… so, ummm… have a happy father's day."
"Ha. That's a good one. Thanks. Send me some Old Spice next year. FRANCOISE! SEND IN MY 3:48!"

15 comments:

The Ichthyophile said...

He's not your Dad? Bummer.

Take off for the weekend and do some FISHING, Hone your CARPENTER skills (pardon my pun).

I think you need to call Doris the Holy Spirit and see if she knows about this whole "God's not your Father" matter. WHEEEEEZE!!

minniemama68 said...

Hey Jesus Hank, (my ninja)
Sorry I haven't commented for awhile, but the puter was acting up and I had to take it in and have it fixed. I'm sure you didn't even notice I was gone. I'm sorry to hear about your dad, really disappointing. But at least he wasn't trying to mess with your life. Or so he says. I still stand with the "date Nancy Grace" advice, especially since I got a new "do" and unfortunately it looks NOTHING like Nancy Grace's. And if Damien posts---YOU ARE A SCUMBAG--leave Jesus alone or I'll personally kick your ass (PMF). Love you Jesus (in a friendly way of course, since I'm married and have 3 kids and all)

daniel said...

noooice, ur dads "da bomb".

Rebecca said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rebecca said...

[Oops--my last post didn't make sense cuz of a typo. Trying again.]

Well, we all know Damien is a liar--so I guess your Dad could be right. Or do you think He is the liar?

And hey, my Chinja--I am so bummed [PMF] that you didn't bring a stick to put in the handles of your dad's office doors! That woulda kept his 3:48 appointment out. And if your dad is NON-COPOREAL, it totally would have worked! He would have had to wait until you felt good and ready to leave, which would have meant answering all your questions.

What a bummer! [PMF.] Oh, well... I guess you're not responsible for my happiness--*I* am. So I'll try not to be TOO bummed about it.

Give Karen a hug for me. Okay, tx, bye!

Georgina Ragazza said...

Just so you know, I went over to Damien's blog and gave him a piece of my mind!

Nobody screws with my ninja! (PMF)

High five, Jesus!

damien said...

The way Trudy's been getting around, I'll bet SHE was your dad's 3:48.

J2 said...

Heya, our Jesus...

I still recommend some Jesus-and-Karen gamboling time. Retreat, regroup, and think of ways Damien could NOT bother you. Think of things that would make you just LOL at him. Keep an eye on his blog, too...it's pretty LOL-funny--take NOTHING personally. His spelling's worse than most, too, so there's a funny thing you can LOL about.

Hey, "the ichthyophile," if you're reading these comments, I don't think the point is that God isn't Jesus' FATHER...he's just not much of a dad. Joseph did the DAD role. I'm someone's steppie, too, and after I figured that bit out, I was LOTS happier. Cheers!

Narcess said...

You still should have kicked him in his non- corporal balls. However he did give you some good advice. Only thing keeping you from being second base, getting to second base with Trudy, and knocking Damien over the head with second base is you. Time to buck up Jesus, seriously they nailed you wrists and ankles to the cross, not your balls, but you’re acting like they are still up there in Golgotha. If you want something man you have to fight for it. I got your back you tell me the plan and I am there for ya with a baseball bat and a quart of crazy glue. (Don’t ask what the glue if for just rest assured Damien will never be the same)

Mike Noga said...

WHy do you say your Mom is dead? In the Bible it says she ascended into Heaven...alive! So either the Bible is a lie or you are hiding something. Why are you hiding your Mom from us,Jeebus? Is she fat? Or a slob? Better come clean,J-Man.

Lynnae said...

wow jesus, i dont think you even noticed, but your dad scheduled you for 3:42 for 5 whole minutes but still scheduled a 3:48 appointment - that means he cut you out of a WHOLE MINUTE!!!!! and considering there were only 5 to work with, thats like 20% of the interview! sheesh.

but anyways, he's kinda right. get on it and go get trudy back.

love,
lynnae

Norrin2 said...

If you need a father figure, what about the man who raised you, Joseph? He's a carpenter so he can give you some good nuts and bolts advice.

you guys r silly said...

Hi Jesus!
Get your monocle & your tophat on, dude! I will totally teach you how to tap dance & soft shoe.
I promise you it'll be more fun than obsessing about Trudy, Damien and your messed-up Dad any longer, Jesus.
You know I lubbs you Jesus.
Does Karen (your lamb) have a tophat too? She can hoof it right along with us!

Ja'AmLo said...

maybe you should just take a break and go gambling? I love gambling. Do you love gambling too?

Sorry I haven't posted for a while... I think your dad is up to something....

Jesus H. Christ said...

I'm glad THAT'S over.

1) He's my dad in that he got my mom pregnant, but I'm still not too sure how he did it, since he's all non-corporeal.
2) You can still love somebody and have three kids. At least I think you can.
3) What? I have trouble with hiphop language.
4) Response deleted.
5) Yeah, I think Damien's the liar here—which isn't too surprising. What a d-bag! (PMF!)
6) High Five!
7) I'm going to copy and paste that and show it to Trudy!
8) Karen and I have a gamboling date tomorrow.
9) Krazy Glue is necessary is SO many situations. We'll think of something!
10) Ummm… because there isn't a heaven? I like you, but try to keep up.
11) I think he needed to go to the bathroom. You learn something new about non-corporeal beings every day.
12) DEAD!
13) I love dancing! Best idea of the day!
14) Gambling or gamboling? I should get a t-shirt made that says, "Let's Go Gamboling."