Friday, May 18, 2007

Call me "drooly."

Hi. How are you? I'm pretty drooly. I went to the dentist today, and… oh, yeah. I forgot to tell you. Since I certainly can't return to Dr. Jessica Hovey's office (see some of my earlier posts), I had to get my check up and cleaning from "the evil Dr. Siew" (see some of my earlier posts). Anyway, he said he wanted to do some kind of weird heavy-duty "deep gum cleaning" or something like that, wherein they numb the poop out of your mouth (Pardon my French) and really scrape all the gunk off.
I think he gave me too much novacaine, because it's been six hours and I still can't feel half of my mouth. It's totally embarrassing! After my appointment, I stopped by a store to check out some sunglasses, and I totally sounded developmentally delayed. "I'm loobing fo' thub thunglathes," I said, to which the sales clerk replied, "I don't know what you're saying, and you're drooling on my counter."
But there are some upsides to being completely numb. For example, you can eat horrible foods and not be bothered too much by it. I ate some celery (which I ordinarily despise) and thought it was "okay." Plus my friend Trudy the bank teller (she works at the bank) came up with a great game over lunch called, "Let me put something in your mouth and you guess what it is."
Here's how it works: I close my eyes, she puts something in my mouth, and then I guess what it is.
I wasn't too good at the game, but it was fun. She put some spagetti in my mouth, and I guessed "orange juice." Then she put an ice cube in my mouth, and I guessed "steak." Then she really threw me for a loop when she put her finger in my mouth. I guessed "Chik-o-stik" and bit her kinda hard. She yelled, "OWWWW!" and I apologized… but you know what? I was kinda weirded out it.
"Why did you put your finger in my mouth?" I asked.
"I don't know… I thought it was funny. You know… sexy funny," she said.
"I'm used to you being funny," I said, "but not sexy funny."
"Are you mad?" she asked.
"No. But I am disappointed. I really wanted a Chik-o-stik."
We kind of laughed it off, but when I got home I really started to wonder about that whole finger in the mouth thing. Does that seem weird to you? Do friends stick their fingers into each other's mouths all the time, and I'm just not aware of it?
Anyway, I went home and changed my shirt. I had drooled spaghetti all over it.


J2 said...

Hey, Jesus! It's good to read about Trudy, again. She's really nice, but that finger thing...kinda creepy. Y'know how some people are just huggers? Maybe that's Trudy's way of metaphorically hugging you. In a mildly creepy manner. Anyway, don't let it affect your friendship. Or your weekend. Cheers!

g said...

Maybe Trudy has a slight crush on you... "Sexy funny" is kind of a girly giveaway. ;D

sweetlikejesus said...

Hi Drooly!
Sorry to hear about your dentist visit - sounds like you might not be taking care of your gums. Are you flossing, Jesus?
Chico Sticks totally take me back to my childhood. Those were big in the south.

Stay sweet,

Gillian said...

Drooly Jesus,
I have a friend that finds it amusing to stick his finger in my mouth whenever I yawn...I don't pretend to understand it and it is amusing every once in a while but he doesn't actually leave it in my mouth long enough for me to taste it (nor would I want him to) so I have to say that my vote goes with "g"'s comment (above). Or maybe Trudy was just being silly...I say, if it happens again, then it is definitely a flirty thing...or just weird.

minniemama68 said...

Trudy digs you. I've read your posts about her, and it seems like you might just like her that way too. So just do us all a favor and ask her out on a date. You two obviously get along, and Karen likes her too. So get off your butt (Pardon my French) and ask her out.

I'm not a fan of the dentist either, but if you can't see Jessica or Dr. Evil, perhaps someone in your geographical area could make a recommendation.

Just a thought.

BTW, I just taught my almost 5 year-old the "Yes, Jesus Loves Me" song. He was singing it the other day and the last line was "Yes, Jesus loves me, the briber told me so" Thought you might get a laugh out of that.

Tell Karen hello!!!!

None Given said...

Dear Jesus,

I too have undergone the deep cleaning at the dentist. But you know what? I enjoyed it, because my dentist didn't give me a shot of novacaine. Instead he gave me the nitrous mask and turned it all the way up. It was awesome. I found a sweet "acid rock" radio station in my headphones and just laid there and tripped out. I plan on never flossing again so that I can have another deep cleaning.
Also, I just wanted to say that I prayed to you a lot when I was little, expecting an answer, though I never got one...And so when I found your blog, I thought it was the coolest thing ever to be able to talk to you and you WOULD ANSWER!
It's nice to hear back from you. Now when somebody asks me if I have a "personal relationship with Jesus Christ," I can proudly say, "Yes, as a matter of fact he said he liked me when I commented on his blog. So there! Now leave me alone haha!"

mitzh said...

Hello, Drooly Jesus

I agree with g, maybe Trudy has a crush on you... ;P

Have a great weekend..

purpletwinkie said...

Hi Jesus,

Why are your teeth so bad? Do you brush after the Chick-O-Sticks? You know those can really stick in your teeth, kinda the same as after eating a Butterfinger. Do you like Butterfingers? It's my favorite candy bar and certainly better than a finger in the mouth.

Hi to Karen,

you guys r silly said...

Hi Jesus!
" none given " knows what they're talking about --- The next time you have work done at the dentist's, ask for nitrous. It's the best thing ever! And if you can get the doc to crank it up enough, you feel like you can see * god * .
Oh wait --- I guess you can do that anytime you want to anyway, can't you.
Still --- give it a try next time.
Regarding the Trudy/finger thing : you may be the son of god, but when it comes to womenz I'm thinking you're mighty naive. Trudy's flirting with you, dude.
You need to put some thought into how you feel about Trudy.
You're naive, but I like you anyway.
You should spray your spaghetti-stained shirt with Shout before you wash it, just in case you didn't think about it.
Have a good weekend Jesus!

Anonymous said...

I hope Trudy's hands are clean!
If they weren't, that would just make the finger thing a little more weird.

Jon said...

Hi, Jesus. I, too, recently had a deep cleaning after many years of avoiding the dentist, thinking that I didn't need to see him anymore after buying a two-year supply of Oral B Brush Ups. But, because of my hypertension, he couldn't use a strong anesthetic, and, instead, used one that lasts only 20 minutes. When I asked him how long the procedure took, he said that it took 30 minutes. So, I said, well why the frick (pardon my French!) would you use an anesthetic that last only 20 minutes? He just gave me a smile, fluttered his eyelids, and brushed away a wayward lock of hair that managed to fall on his forehead. Wait, what was I talking about?

The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Hi Jesus!

Hope the drooling has stopped. I have to agree with the others and say that it looks like Trudy might have a thing for you. Girls don't generally put their fingers in guys mouths that they don't like. I know I wouldn't, even if I liked guys.

Narcess said...

I told you she liked you man. I told you that the first time she got pissed at you over the doctor thing. Jesus you are so blind to the obvious sometimes. You seriously need to look for another dentist.

hula_hank said...

Dear Jesus,

Trudy is getting on my nerves. She is way to much work to be a useful friend. She also has really bad breeding; she hangs up on you, throws her food on the floor and goes around putting her fingers in other people's mouths. Does she also live in a trailer and eat all of her meals with a re-used plastic spork which was taken from the food court at the mall?

I think that you should distance yourself from her. Maybe try to befriend some one that works at Hot Dog on a Stick.

love, Hank

Choirboy said...

Hi Jesus. Once, after a visit to the dentist, I had to stop at the post office for stamps. I asked the lady for 'sixth sixth thents thamps pleath'. I didn't even tell her that I was all numbed out and she was like all disgusted cause she thought I was gay. Ha, ha. Fooled her. I AM gay but I don't lisp.

Sammie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sammie said...

Dear Jesus,
I agree with g and minniemama68 that Trudy probably likes you. I'm surprised that you didn't realize that, after all, you're all-knowing like your Dad, aren't you?
As far as the drooling goes, do you drool on your pillow and down the side of your face when you are in a deep sleep? I do; now THAT IS NOT SEXY (pardon my French!)

Levlan said...

It has happened to me too. Not the finger thing though.

Anonymous said...

i am a giraffe.

Jesus H. Christ said...

Activate comment-izizing!

1) Okay!
2) I think if she had a crush on me, she'd just say that instead of putting body parts in my mouth.
3) I do floss! Here's a menomic device I use to remember good dental health: BRUSH AND FLOSS AT LEAST THRICE A DAY, OR FACE THE FURROWED BROW OF YOUR DENTIST'S DISMAY! (I made that up.)
4) Okay!
5) You know, a lot of people think that song goes, "Yes, Jesus loves me/ The bible tells me so." But it's actually the "barber" tells me so. My barber Frankie is one of my biggest supporters.
6) Yeah! Okay!
7) Everybody sure does think G is smart today.
8) Butterfingers ARE better than a finger in the mouth. Unless the finger is coated with chocolate and butter.
9) I do think about Trudy. I think that her finger doesn't taste like a Butterfinger. I like her though.
10) Trudy's fingers are clean. Obsessively so. I would eat a three-day old piece of halibut off of them.
11) Dentists can be very alluring.
12) Do girls put their fingers in other girls' mouths? Maybe its a "girl thing."
13) Don't get mad at me please. Thank you!
14) Hmmm… if I befriended the girl who works at Hot Dog on a stick, maybe I could get free Hog Dog on a sticks.
15) That's why I like to visit the people at the post office. They are so easy to trick!
16) Last night I accidentally swallowed a bunch of drool, and coughed so much I nearly threw up. Gross.
17) Was it a toe?
18) Hi giraffe!! Do you think I should ask Trudy out on a date?

Anonymous said...