Friday, June 1, 2007
I'm right. You're wrong.
Hey, how are you feeling? I'm feeling preeeeeeetty concerned. Apparently my brilliant plan to regain second base from that trickster Damien, by tricking him into thinking Trudy the bank teller (who works at the bank) likes him by going out on a pizza date with him and kissing him on the mouth isn't a very popular idea with my commenters. (Check the posts from yesterday and the day before for full details.) It would be okay if a couple of you thought my plan stinks—I'm sure even the guy who invented Glide tooth floss had his detractors—but almost EVERYONE thinks it stinks! So that must mean one thing…
YOU… DON'T… GET… IT.
I'm certainly not "whoring Trudy out" (Pardon your French) as you so Frenchly put it. She's a friend, and friends do friends favors. For example, Trudy moves, like, every two years, and guess who has to lug her collection of Christmas Barbie Dolls up and down the stairs? And when she forgets to record The Amazing Race, guess who saves it for her on his TiVo? And who illegally downloads the new R. Kelly album for her even though it's totally illegal? Oh, that's right… That would be ME.
What do you say we flip the situation, since everyone keeps reminding me about the whole "do unto others" thing that I supposedly once said, but really didn't. Let's imagine that Trudy really wanted Dr. Jessica Hovley's dentistry job. (If you don't know who she is, read this post right here, and come right back. No dawdling.) I really don't like Dr. Jessica Hovley, because she's kind of mean, and called me a queer. (Pardon her homophobic French.) However, if Trudy wanted me to go out on a pizza date with Dr. Jessica Hovley, and pretend to like her, and end the evening with a real juicy kiss on the mouth? Well, I'd certainly…
This is bad. This is really, really bad. Just the thought of Trudy's lips on that slimey creep makes me wanna go… BLECHHHHH!!!! But… I really want to play second base! But what if she catches some herpes from him? But what if I never get to play second base? That's at least as bad as herpes! You can treat herpes, but you can't treat not playing second base! But I don't want to hurt my friend! But I really want to play second base! Trudy's feelings! My needs! His herpes! Second base!
What time is it? Almost five? Those guys are going on their pizza date right after work! That's it. Second base be darned. (PMF.) I'm going to ride my bicycle over there RIGHT NOW, and heroically crash my bicycle into their table, break up their date, and say something like, "Damien! You can keep your stupid second base and your herpes, because Trudy's coming with ME." Then I'll put her on my handlebars, and we'll ride to Quiznos for dinner. (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention… I like Quiznos again.)
How does that plan sound?
(P.S. Please don't use the word "whoring" in the comments anymore. It's dirty.)