Friday, June 1, 2007

I'm right. You're wrong.

Hey, how are you feeling? I'm feeling preeeeeeetty concerned. Apparently my brilliant plan to regain second base from that trickster Damien, by tricking him into thinking Trudy the bank teller (who works at the bank) likes him by going out on a pizza date with him and kissing him on the mouth isn't a very popular idea with my commenters. (Check the posts from yesterday and the day before for full details.) It would be okay if a couple of you thought my plan stinks—I'm sure even the guy who invented Glide tooth floss had his detractors—but almost EVERYONE thinks it stinks! So that must mean one thing…
I'm certainly not "whoring Trudy out" (Pardon your French) as you so Frenchly put it. She's a friend, and friends do friends favors. For example, Trudy moves, like, every two years, and guess who has to lug her collection of Christmas Barbie Dolls up and down the stairs? And when she forgets to record The Amazing Race, guess who saves it for her on his TiVo? And who illegally downloads the new R. Kelly album for her even though it's totally illegal? Oh, that's right… That would be ME.
What do you say we flip the situation, since everyone keeps reminding me about the whole "do unto others" thing that I supposedly once said, but really didn't. Let's imagine that Trudy really wanted Dr. Jessica Hovley's dentistry job. (If you don't know who she is, read this post right here, and come right back. No dawdling.) I really don't like Dr. Jessica Hovley, because she's kind of mean, and called me a queer. (Pardon her homophobic French.) However, if Trudy wanted me to go out on a pizza date with Dr. Jessica Hovley, and pretend to like her, and end the evening with a real juicy kiss on the mouth? Well, I'd certainly…
Oh, poop.
This is bad. This is really, really bad. Just the thought of Trudy's lips on that slimey creep makes me wanna go… BLECHHHHH!!!! But… I really want to play second base! But what if she catches some herpes from him? But what if I never get to play second base? That's at least as bad as herpes! You can treat herpes, but you can't treat not playing second base! But I don't want to hurt my friend! But I really want to play second base! Trudy's feelings! My needs! His herpes! Second base!
What time is it? Almost five? Those guys are going on their pizza date right after work! That's it. Second base be darned. (PMF.) I'm going to ride my bicycle over there RIGHT NOW, and heroically crash my bicycle into their table, break up their date, and say something like, "Damien! You can keep your stupid second base and your herpes, because Trudy's coming with ME." Then I'll put her on my handlebars, and we'll ride to Quiznos for dinner. (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention… I like Quiznos again.)
How does that plan sound?
(P.S. Please don't use the word "whoring" in the comments anymore. It's dirty.)


Catfish said...

Hey Jeez:
First (maybe)
Second: Do you have a bell on your bike? If you put Trudy on it and you are riding down the sidewalk and there are people in the way who rings it?
I would say that it is the ladies prerogative...
Thirdly: I was wrong to suggest violence against Damien, being Buddhist it would go against the general principle of the thing, or something...
Maybe you just want second base because you are jealous of Damien anyhow... you want to be him so you are projecting... hmmnn...
Hey, have a good weekend anyhow... maybe you can make Trudy breakfast tomorrow, if you know what I mean...

ChillyMama said...

Hey Jesus,
Hit the table just right and you can knock Damien out of his chair! Then you can take Trudy with you AND leave Damien in the dust.

(I bet even Buddhists want to hurt someone every now and then.) Hey to Karen!

Lynnae said...

go jesus!!! now THAT's what i'm talkin about!!!

you guys r silly said...

Hey Jesus!
I am so proud of you. I knew that you would eventually see that it would be wrong to use trickery on Damien. ( Aliens, like I had suggested --- Maybe. Trickery --- NO.)
You are SOOOOO above that.
I hope you're able to get to the pizza place & break up the herpes outbreak before it ever happens.
Maybe you should get one of those "What Would Jesus Do" bracelets, so the next time you need advice you wouldn't have to ask us commenters for could just think on your bracelet's message.
We love you Jesus!

the queen said...

Hi Jesus:
Thanks for saying, "but almost EVERYONE thinks it stinks" because I know you were thinking of ME. I think your plan is perfect. Just hold fast. Sure, Damien and his slimy herpes lips are gross, but maybe it's just Herpes simplex. Everybody's had that. Besides, Trudy should be ready to make a little teeny sacrifice for you. (Hel-LO, spikes through the wrist, duh.) It would be just like kissing Judas, and that wasn't that bad, was it?

Hold fast!

Morgan said...

i have to say, i think it would be a little wierd if you set up a date for Damien and suddenly came to break it up. By doing that you're telling Trudy how you feel (whether you'll admit you feelings or not).
Try to think of something clever. Maybe call her on the date and say it's an emergency and make something up. Or something...

Marcia said...

Go for it, Jesus. Not that you need it, but you have my blessing to get second base back from that meanie Damien.

None Given said...

It's refreshing to know that even You have to wrestle with like, moral dilemmas, and stuff.
That was always part of my hang-up, dig, thinking that you didn't like me because you were all, like, Divine, and Immaculately Conceived, and all that. Like, why would a Perfect being have anything to do with a plain human like me? It's a complex waiting to happen.
Thanks for sharing your problems with us. It's doing wonders for my self-esteem!
Peace out,

Rebecca said...

Is it okay if, everytime someone wanted to say "whoring Trudy" (pardon my french), they said "treating Trudy like a commodity" instead?

Jesus, I am glad you're seeing the light! I love your bicycle-riding plan. GO FOR IT!!!

minniemama68 said...

Brilliant plan!!! You rock. Although I wish you could somehow put a jam box on your bike and play the theme from "An Officer and a Gentleman" on it while you are rescuing Trudy. She's one lucky girl. That Trudy. Not just because she's a bank teller, but because Jesus is her hero!!!!
Young love!!!!!!
OH, and make sure that stupid Damien (pardon my French) accidentally breaks something, k????

Choirboy said...

Trudy doesn't sound like a whore, anyway. Although I was a bank teller when I was in college and we all smoked a lot of pot during and after work. One time we even got naked together.

Yeah, sometimes a guy has to do what a guy has to do. If that means crashing your bike into the table then that's what it means. Hope you and Trudy don't get hurt.

Norrin2 said...

Way to go, JC. I knew you'd see the light.
Just remember the immortal words of Neal Cassady: "Grace beats karma."
And the immortal words of carlton Fisk: "Chicks dig catchers."

The Holmes said...

Are you sure that's such a good idea Jesus? I don't know if you've seen a lot of movies, but a lot of bad movies feature the underdog hero doing just such a date-breakup stunt, only to have it backfire in their face.

the queen said...

I'm with The Holmes. Your ORIGINAL plan was great. Always. Go. With. Your. First. Instinct.

How is Karen? Does she still stink?

louley said...

check it out, yo

Cee in SF said...

Finally!! Good luck! Can't wait for the details...

Jon said...

That is one brilliant idea, you Son of Man! Please make sure to wear a helmet, though. Oh, and I'm glad you like Quiznos again. Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, toasty!

killedasouthernbelle said...

Thats a great plan. Way to go!

love you!

Kato said...

Go Jesus, GO!

you guys r silly said...

Is anyone else kind of wondering where our lord is and why we haven't heard from him since friday??? And...I'm starting to worry that maybe his daring rescue plan backfired somehow and went horribly wrong...
maybe he's somewhere with 2 spikes hammered through his wrists or worse...
I'm worrying about this, people...

Jesus H. Christ said...

I'll be there in a minute. Eating a ham sandwich.

you guys r silly said...

[[ letting out a big sigh of relief... ]]

Jesus H. Christ said...

I'm depressed. See current blog post for details. Or don't. Whatever.

1) I don't know what you mean.
2) Whatever.
3) Sigh.
4) Thanks for your love. I still don't feel good.
5) Turns out your plan wasn't so great after all, was it?
6) Whatever.
7) Whatever.
8) Glad my problems make you feel better.
9) Too depressed. Can't go for it.
10) I'll never watch "Officer and a Gentleman" again.
11) I don't smoke pot. It makes me depressed.
12) If grace beats karma, who beats grace?
13) NOW you tell me.
14) She smells like ham.
15) No thanks.
16) Whatever.
17) Whatever.
18) Whatever.
19) Whatever.
20) Whatever.
21) Whatever.
22) Whatever.

Ron DeYoung said...

A dejected Jesus is not a good thing.

Ron DeYoung said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

the word "whoring is dirty" WTF

who would do that to Jesus


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