Monday, July 2, 2007

I don't feel good!


UGH. How are you? I DON'T FEEL GOOD. My headache feels extra achey, and my joints feel like someone is jabbing them with pins (which I suppose is an improvement from spikes in the wrists). And what's even worse? NO ONE CARES. I've called up all my friends—even the vegan butcher—and just because I yell, "I DON'T FEEL GOOD" right when they pick up the phone, they don't want to be very helpful. All I ever hear is, "Have you taken any aspirin," or "Are you drinking a lot of water," or "Are you keeping bundled up?" or "Have you gone to the doctor?" Of COURSE, I haven't done any of these things! I'm Jesus Christ! If Jesus Christ is achey all over, what in the world is a doctor or aspirin going to do??
(Trudy—my very good friend the bank teller—brought me some chicken soup on her lunchbreak. That was super-duper sweet. Even though it tasted like poop. PMF—BUT I DON'T FEEL GOOD.)
Another thing that really annoys me about NOT FEELING GOOD (which I don't) is that people are always giving me that knowing look, like "Well… it could be worse." What they mean is that I could have a bunch of Roman soldiers beating the crap out of me, and nailing me to a cross. Well, yes… I suppose that would be worse. However, just because I still have spike scars on my wrists, and I went through a significant trauma on the cross, that still doesn't negate the fact that right now I DON'T FEEL GOOD.
Can't I NOT FEEL GOOD and have a previous traumatic incident? Is that OKAY with you people? I DON'T FEEL GOOD. Jiminy Crickets! Why is that so difficult to understand?
AND ANOTHER THING. What's up with the 7-11 NOT selling Ginger Ale? My stomach DOESN'T FEEL GOOD either. And yet, 7-11 doesn't stock any Ginger Ale because they quote, "don't sell enough of it"?? Tell that to my roiling tummy—WHICH DOESN'T FEEL GOOD.
Ginger Ale is delicious, AND it's a homopathic remedy. A lot of people think homopathic remedies are just for the gay people, but they help everybody. Especially the gays.
UGHHHHHHHH… I DON'T FEEL GOOD.
Alright. I'm going to lay down with Karen (that's my lamb) and see if cuddling her will make me feel better. Of course, I'll have to find her first. She slinked out of the house earlier, because whenever she entered the room, I would inform her…
I DON'T FEEL GOOD!

Kaaaaa-ren! I DON'T FEEEEEEEL GOOOOOOOOOD!

19 comments:

The Ichthyophile said...

Hmmm..what did I say about staying away from jail bait? Done gone and got some germs! i kid, i kid. Hope you'll be ready by the next game.

l.b. said...

Jesus, did you by any chance spend too much of the weekend changing water to wine? Now, I'm not saying you deserve to be ill, but I bet next time you will take it easy on the blood of...um, yourself.

sjlawright said...

J.C. brother, sorry about not feeling good, I really am. I think the word your looking for, however, is not homopathic, but homeopathic. Hippies use these remedies, though I'm sure homosexuals do too.

J2 said...

Poor, Jesus! Maybe Trudy (works at the bank & has a thing for fingers in mouths) could bring you some ginger ale. That really is good for an upset tummy. Just rest and watch these posts for more get-well sentiments.

And watch History Detectives tonight! That'll make you feel better. Maybe?

J2 said...

BTW...that extra comma above is a get-well present. Rest well!

Oh Sweet Moses! said...

Ok, it looks like nothing I will say will make you feel better so I'll just wish it so you don't get all pissy on Moses (PMF).

(Don't you think this was because you took too many showers with Jeremy and other shirtless, hot football players?)

daniel said...

try dying. then when your resurrection happens, you might not be sick anymore.

Big Headed Jen - friend of Burrito Martinez said...

Jesus,
I'm so sorry for you that you're under the weather :( I hate it when that happens!! Do you sometimes try and diagnose yourself on the internet? I thought I had lupis twice but I was wrong. Do you think 7-up might work if you can't get any ginger ale? How about some toast? Do you have any toast?

I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER RIGHT AWAY!! Until then - complain all you want. After all, you got all jacked up and crossed-up on the stick for us so it's the least we can do to listen to you bitch (pmf) and moan for a day or 2!

Thank you very much for me not having lupis those two times.
Amen

sjlawright said...

OH MAN I JUST REALIZED!!! THIS IS DAMIEN'S REVENGE...ninja you best be makin' yo way down to Damien's crib an' givin' him your illness...fo' real

Georgina Ragazza said...

Awwwww, Jesus, sweetie. I'm sorry you're not feeling very well.

The best thing for being sick is lots of cuddles - we'll all cuddle you and help you feel better. And if you want to yell, I DON'T FEEL WELL, then you go right ahead. That's your right and privilege.

Sending you big luv, luv. And cuddles. And lots of (virtual) ginger ale. Not as good as the real thing, granted, but my heart's in the right place!

Mike Noga said...

Forget the soup Jeebus, when you're sick it sounds like you need WHINE coolers. Ha. Hope ya feel better ya galoot.(I said galoot because it's a cowboy word. Maybe if you wear your cowboy hat when you're sick you'll feel tougher..)

Missy A said...

I'm just wondering when you sneeze do you say "bless me" ??
You sure you didn't pick up any nasty germs from those football players or maybe an even nastier Damien germ?

LeLo in NoPo said...

Dear Jesus,
Wasabi? I'm sorry you're sick. I was thinking about ginger ale, and what you said about it being good for the gays, and I thought, wow, I'm gay, I love ginger ale, that Jesus is amazing! You might want to try the really spicy jamaican ginger ale: I find it to be super tasty. I guess that makes me super gay. Yeah! Super!
Get better soon!
BFF,
Lelo

Chris said...

I am going to have to put my money on, Trudy getting you sick. Dude! She was just with Damien. Although, yes he is good looking... I'm sure he carries some nasty germs with him. He probably gave Trudy Herpes or something... you better go to the doctor Jesus! For your dads sake!

Norrin2 said...

Have you tried touching the hem of your garment? I hear that can heal people.

Sammie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Burrito Martinez said...

J Man,
How come you can't help with the dog? You're Jesus for Your Sake!Got it taken care of anyway with the VooDoo. I've got to be careful with that stuff, it's fierce.
Sorry you are sick. I hate to be sick. Maybe you can give it to Damien. That will show him.
Hope you feel Peppy soon and are back in your party pants.
Peace out Ninja.
Burrito Martinez
p.s. The High School is a hot bed for germs.

Sammie said...

Dear Sick Jesus,
I hope that your knowing that we all care makes you feel a little better. Sometimes you just have to give in to the icky feeling and go with it.
When I have a fever it helps a little if I cry and say, "I want my mom!" (She doesn't hear me because she's in another state but at least I FEEL BETTER saying it.)
Or you could just ask your Father for a miracle cure if you are not able to effect one yourself!
I will close with this one profound thought, GET WELL SOON!
Sammie

Jesus H. Christ said...

Did I mention I DON'T FEEL GOOD?

1) What? Oh… I get it. FUNNY.
2) Why does everybody think I like wine? I hate wine. Ginger Ale is good though.
3) Oh… "homeopathic." I see now. So does "homeo" mean hippie?
4) I love History Detectives! So much cooler than Geometry Detectives.
5) You're nice.
6) Locker rooms are a petri dish of germs and disease.
7) That idea's not half bad.
8) Lupis stinks.
9) If Damien feels half as bad as I do, then it's worth it.
10) Cuddle party! WHOOO!!
11) What does "galoot" mean anyway? What a funny word!
12) Sometimes I say, "Dad bless me." But he never does.
13) Jamaican ginger ale: it's the drink for the super gays! (That can be their new motto.)
14) Doctors are quacks, and all they'll say is, "Diagnosis: You don't feel good."
15) That sounds like another ridiculous bible myth to me. But I'll try it. Nope, didn't work. I DON'T FEEL GOOD.
16) Response deleted, but I will say this: I DON'T FEEL GOOD.
17) I like dogs, I just can't help dogs. I don't control the weather, I don't change people's hairstyles, and I don't heal dogs. Sorry!
18) Even though she is dead, I WANT MY MOM. (Thanks. That actually made me feel a bit better.)