Tuesday, June 12, 2007

I went to Trudy's house.

Hello! How are you? I was just ruminating on the phrase, "O, what a tangled web we weave." Ever notice how old-timey people sometimes just drop the "h" after the "o" when they say "oh"? I think it's adorable. It's like they didn't have time to write the "h" so they just dropped it entirely. But it's not like they were busy or anything. I lived through old-timey times, and things were a LOT less stressful then. All you ever had to worry about was whether the cow was going to die, or if the bubonic plague was going to reach your hamlet.
Anyway, back to "tangled web." Since I'm in kind of a holding pattern with dad (see yesterday's post) I went to Trudy's house today (O! She's a bank teller!) to see if I could patch up the huge hole in our relationship. She answered the door.
"Hi," I said.
"Hi," she said.
[Looooooooong uncomfortable pause.]
"So I've been thinking about becoming a mall security guard," I said.
She didn't laugh.
"Okay, Trudy," I said. "I've been a real d-word, pardon my French…"
"Yes, you have."
"Okay, I deserve that, because I know you're angry with me, and you have every right to be."
"You're right."
"So… I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm super sorry for being so mean to you."
"How were you mean to me?" she asked.
"In what ways were you mean to me?"
I was REALLY CONFUSED by this.
"Did you forget that I was mean to you?"
"No," she said. "I want you to tell me the ways that you hurt me. To make sure you're not just apologizing for the sake of apologizing."
"OH! I get it. Right. Okay. Ummm… I was really mean to you about Damien, and about you about kissing him with your tongue. That was none of my business."
"Okay… keep going."
"And… I'm really sorry for treating you like a commodity, when I asked you to go out with Damien and trick him into giving me back second base."
"And… there's more? Ummm… of course there is. Ummmm… and… I'm sorry I got freaked out when you put your finger in my mouth?"
"OH, COME ON!!" I cried. "What's going on here? Are we going back to the 4th grade with this apology stuff? I said I was sorry, and I really, really am!"
[Another long pause, then she gave me a real funny look.]
"Do you really not know what's going on here? Or are you really that naive?" she asked.
"I really don't know what's… oh… I think I do know what's going on here. You liked me. Like, 'liked me-liked me.'"
"Yeah. I 'liked you-liked you.' What did you think was going on?"
"I dunno," I said. "I guess I was just hoping you wouldn't."
"Why?" she asked.
"Because you're perfect the way you are, and if we 'liked each other-liked each other' I'd have to be a different person, and you'd have to be a different person."
"Jesus," she said. "You're the same person. The person I liked. I'm the same person, too."
"Yeah…" I said. "I guess you really are. (Pause) So, Trudy? Would you like to go out and eat a steak?"
"Wow… that's really sweet. But Damien's coming over in a bit, and we're going to a movie. But I'm really glad we've had this talk. We can have lunch later this week, maybe. Call me, okay?"
Then as she started to shut the door…
"I feel better about this," she said. "Do you feel better about this?"
"Sure," I said. "I feel better about this."

I don't feel better about this.


Brian Bailey said...

O, Jesus, Dear Jesus, Sweet Jesus,

I know exactly how you are feeling my friend. I knew this girl way back in high school, who's name was Sarah. Sarah with an "H", just like you except that her "H" was part of her first name and yours is there in the middle. Whenever she would introduce herself to someone she had not met before, or if someone was writting her name down, like at a doctor's office or at the Administrative Office at school, she would say, "Sarah with an 'H'". Ever since then when I am taking someone's name down and they say that their name is "Sarah" I always ask, "With or without an 'H'?" Both Saras and Sarahs seem to really appreciate this because it gets spelled wrong a LOT! So that is one way to be considerate to Saras and Sarahs. Little lesson for you there.

O, yeah, anyway...I was totally in love with Sarah for a long time but didn't know it until she went to Prom with one of my best friends, who was a twin, but not an identical twin. Twins can be creepy sometimes, but not so much in this case.

You have gots to be careful here, Jesus H. Trudy has the upper hand!

Be sweet, make her a mix tape.

The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Oh my Jesus.
Better back off a bit and figure out who like-likes whom and what whom is going to do about the whole like-like situation.

The last time I like-liked someone I ended up marrying her (illegally) and buying a big house in the suburbs.

Tread carefully Jesus. The like-like is D-A-N-G-E-R-O-U-S territory.
Your friend,

The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Oh I agree with Brian Balley. Make her a mix tape, or maybe bring her a snowcone.

Trina said...

Oh man, I just had a flashback to that TV show, "The Wonder Years." Jesus, you and Trudy are meant to be in the way that Kevin and Winnie were. Have you known each other since the 4th grade? Even better.

And I just want to say here and now that I am always with whatever the recovering straight girl says. She's very smart.

None Given said...

Yes, this sounds familiar.
I remember one time in high school, this guy asked me to the prom and I thought it was because we were just, like, friend-friends. I thought that there was no way he could have like-liked me, because he was way out of my league (Student Body President, and all that)...anyway we ended up not going to the prom because I missed all of his "signals" and he called the whole thing off. (Which really didn't matter in the long run because I married Catfish, which is way better than that prom guy.)
Jesus, do you think Trudy is out of your league? Because, Good News: she digs you, i.e., she's totally in your league (I like the softball metaphor) and someday, you will get to know her in the biblical sense.
Does this make me a prophet?
(None Given)

Big Headed Jen - friend of Burrito Martinez said...

Buenos tardes, Jesus (Hay-Soos),

I'm not sure what to make of all this... I can't believe Trudy (works at the bank) made you grovel with an extended apology and then toss Damien back in your face. I think you should make her jealous with another cutie pie.
My big head is propped up on some pillows but it's cutting of the blood flow to my ears and tongue so I have to make this fast. You should show off with Nancy Grace in front of Trudy (works at the bank). She's kind of being a b-word (PMF) to you now.

Make her jealous by showing off around town with Nancy Grace. That will show her.

Yoikes! I posted this on the wrong day but now it's on the right day.

Big Headed Jen - friend of Burrito Martinez said...

Oh, one other thing Jesus (hay-soos)....

Thanks for helping me find my Tinkerbell lip gloss in the glove compartment of the VW when I was 6. That made be believe in you forever. Remember? Oh, also, what type of seat do you have on your bike? Banana or regular?

Does Trudy text very much. If so I think I have an idea for you.....

minniemama68 said...

My Ninja Jeez,
Sounds like the Trudy (she works at a bank) is trying to make you jealous. Since she does like you she is also messing with Damien's brain too. Of course Damien is an ass (PMF) so let's not be concerned about him. Just continue to be nice and friendly and leave it at that for now. I'm thinking the Nancy Grace thing might work. She has great hair, mine's so lifeless and dull and hers is so out-there and big. (Sigh).....Sorry, anyway, go out and date Nancy Grace, and mix yourself a tape. The "Footloose" soundtrack is a good start. I loved that movie, didn't you??? Did Burrito drop off your "package"?????

Stacy&Jaye said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stacy&Jaye said...

I remember a while ago you plugged Dan Savage and his column, have you asked his advice? I know he's a little risque, but c'mon, he's a clever fella.

And if that doesn't help you, I recommend a little film called Chasing Amy. It might give you some perspective.

Anonymous said...

i've told you, dude. you need to build a time machine and go back so damien never stole second base or trudy.

you guys r silly said...

eeek! --- bad advice, woman. Remember the END of Wonder Years? Kevin and Winnie TOTALLY did NOT end up together AT ALL . . . PLUS Kevin's dad DIED. --- We do NOT want our ninja Jesus to go that way, do we?!
O, I hate how Trudy made you grovel, Jesus.
Am I the only one here who's thinking that mayhaps (THAT's an Olde Timey word too!) Jesus should just DROP Trudy (she works at the bank) because she seems like she seriously might like Damien MORE than Jesus fer reals now - or if NOT, she's just effing ( pardon my French ) around with Jesus and doesn't deserve him ANYWAY ??? (I'm sure he could do better!)
Jesus, I think you can do much better than Trudy, dude. Trudy's seeming like waaaay too much work now...

killedasouthernbelle said...

poor sweet jesus:

I agree with YGRS - I think Trudy is effing (PMF?) with you..

this hurts my heart.

I like the idea about advice from Dan Savage too.. he would probably tell you to drop er if she's effin' with you....

lets take a tire iron to Damien's knee cap.

you guys r silly said...

brian bailey:
My own daughter is a Sarah with an H, so I completely know what you're talking about --- that H or NOT that H is *really* important to Sarahs! (and Saras!)
Thanks for bringing that to people's attention, dude!

Rebecca said...


Just give it time! Lunch next week sounds like a good first step. Maybe you will start feeling better about all this soon.

In the meantime, be sure to spend lots of quality time with Karen. Did you know that studies show that the time we spend with our pets decreases our stress? It's true!

Maybe you and Karen could dress up in matching Ninja outfits. Then you could take a photo and send it to Trudy, which would probably make her laugh and remember all the reasons why she like-likes you.

Catfish said...

Dude, you know what, you just need to turn that frown upside down...
Whenever I feel down I like to listen to some Jonathan Richman, you know, the dude from the Modern Lovers...
Watch this here (linky rhymes with flinky) and you will feel better, I gaurantee it...
Maybe instead of a mix tape you can make a video of yourself dancing and being happy... Somewhere along the line I think I learned that girls don't dig pouters... although they do dig surly, go figure...
Funny, being a Buddhist you should remember the 4 noble truths and consider that you brought this all on yourself...
1) Life is suffering
2) Recognize, my ninja
3) Stop it!!!
4) Do something about it
Love (in a purely platonic fashion)
(none givens old man)

The Ichthyophile said...

So what's up with that? Don't you have the ability to know the hearts and thoughts of mankind?

Or was that just one of the Apostles exaggerating that time you did that cool party "mind reading" trick at John the Baptist's (that's your cousin) birthday party?

Mike Noga said...

Hi Jeebus(remember that from the Simpsons? Hehe)
I think Trudy is too high maintenance(sp). She is making you jump through hoops for mere crumbs of satisfaction. If she is gonna put you through hell(PMF) just for a lunch date, what is she gonna make you do for "anything else"? No Jeebus, find yourself a nice natural girl, maybe a shephardess and relax. Of course if you don't try and make a go of it with her, you'll never know for sure. You know what, date her and a shephardess. No reason you have to be tied down to one girl at your age.

Choirboy said...

It's OK not to feel better, Jesus. Sometimes the full impact of our ignorance makes feeling better an impossibility for a long time. But that's OK. We're all ignorant and that includes Trudy. When she comes to her senses about Damien she'll be biting the wall for being a complete douche (PMF). Damien? Well, some people never get to know just how ignorant they are.

Thanks for sharing your whole life with us Jesus. You really give it all up for us, don't you?

Georgina Ragazza said...

Some people have asked about your mum, Jesus, but I'm thinking that a better person to talk to right now would be your stepdad.

Joseph's always struck me as a pretty sound guy, what with the carpentry and everything, and I really think you need a man's perspective on all this.

Plus, he's not exactly a stranger to affairs of the heart. (I don't want to speak out of a turn here, but I'm guessing your dad wasn't exactly great with the child support payments.)

I say give Joseph a call. Hang out for a while. You know. Sometimes a man-to-man chat is exactly what you need.

Burrito Martinez said...

Ninja, please...
Let's put this in perspective. Is Trudy even hot? You're Jesus for Your Sakes! Can't you get any chick you want? Why does it have to be Trudy? I think you need to focus on this Friday and your appointment with your Dad. I left you a little package under the 3rd pew on the left side at St. Anthony's. Your Dad will love it. Forget my suggestion to share some with Trudy before a steak dinner. Keep it for yourself and maybe a little 2nd hand for Karen(your pet lamb). I bet she'll really gambol then. You'll trip watching her. How fun is that?
Patch up this S-word with your old man. You'll sleep better at night.
He'll get Damien off your back and the whole love life business will eventually fall into place.
I love my Friend Jen(biggest head i've ever seen) but I'd rather have a cold sore than hang with Nancy Grace. I'll discuss that with her. I do want to thank you for helping her find her lipgloss though, it changed her life.
Her dog had a seizure yesterday and she was supposed to shoot liquid valium up his b-word(PMF). She missed and got it in her face and she was real upset. Are you able to heal sick animals? Mr. J,that's the dog not you, needs your help, or Big headed Jen does to be a better aim with the liquid valium. Oh, BTW Jen, if I had a seizure in your presence, would you shoot the valium up my bum?
It could happen, I'm just saying....
Alright my Ninja,
it'll all work out. Stay positive.
Your friend (and connection)
Burrito(roll the r's) Martinez

you guys r silly said...

Who is Nancy Grace?

you guys r silly said...

Hi again Jesus!
I know this has nothing to do with your current situation, but:
See that picture you put on this post?
I know you don't like the artists who paint you BUT --- did you know that the picture shows you knocking on a door but there's no HANDLE on your side? That's supposedly because whoever is INSIDE has to hear you knocking and THEY have to invite you in. It's a metaphor for the person inviting you into their HEART. You know, like "Jesus can't just brute-force his way into your life, YOU have to let him in."
Did you know that?
I just thought it was kind of interesting.
It's also kind of like how a vampire can't just brute-force his way into your house, you have to invite him. (Not that I'm comparing you to a vampire or anything. But it IS similar, isn't it.)
Love you!
P.S. Do you believe in vampires?

KellyChristine said...

In my opinion, Karen is a WAY better friend than Trudy. However, if Trudy is your lobster, you need to try and get her to be your girlfriend. A mix tape is a good start, also being nice and friendly and NOT yelling at her.

Don't ask Dan Savage for advice, he will just say DTMFA (PMF). Ask your mom! You have a mom, right? If not, my boyfriend's mom is super good at advice, and she REALLY believes in you A LOT. I could ask her for you.

I hope you feel better soon. In the immortal words of the J. Geils Band... Love Stinks.

Beagal said...

my ninja,

you gotta go back and read your own blog and learn from it!

what you need to do is write her a rap song, big willie style, and get jiggy with it yo!

here's a start for you:

trudy, you're the one i like-likes
it's with you i want to ride bike-bikes
up and down the road to the 7-eleven,
stick with me girl, and you're a shoe in to heaven.
now i'm here to tell you, although you're the bank tell-ah
you're booty makes me want to be you're only fell-ah.

peas shout!

minniemama68 said...

Begal has him/her some skills!!!
Try that Jesus. I still stand by my seconding the advice given that you should date Nancy Grace, if for no other reason than to find out the secret of her hair.
Tell Karen we said hi. Enjoy your package!!!! Burrito's da man.

Lynnae said...

hi jesus,

so does this mean you like-like trudy?

personally i think she's just making you sweat. a girl's gotta do that from time to time, to make sure her boy learns his lesson for real and doesn't think that just a simple apology will get him off the hook every time.

she doesn't even like damien - she's using him to get under your skin, and it's working.

so just hang tight there - don't go making her mixed tapes because although that's sweet, it screams pathetic. but don't totally blow her off either. just be cool.


Jesus H. Christ said...

Poor me.

1) Oooh, I like the mix tape idea. I gotta dig up some Phil Collins.
2) Like-like is dangerous. You're right-right.
3) Oooh, I like snow cones!
4) I think I'm more of a Paul than a Kevin.
5) I never got that phrase "biblical sense." It's not very sexy.
6) Don't worry, I'm usually blogging on the wrong day.
7) Banana.
8) Was the package a burrito?
9) Response deleted.
10) Savage gets a little freaked out by me, actually. His Catholic upbringing and all.
11) I can't get the time machine to work, because whenever I go to the past, the time machine hasn't been invented yet!
12) I heard that Winnie Cooper is now some kind of hot math whiz.
13) Well, I was so mean to Trudy, I wouldn't blame her for a little effing. (PMF!)
14) Hurrah! Or rather, Hurra!
15) Karen would look great as a ninja! (The real kind, not the… you know what I mean.)
16) Who keeps telling you I'm a Buddhist? I don't even KNOW the guy!
18) Ooh, a "shepardess." That sounds hot.
19) "Biting the wall." That's funny!
20) DEAD.
21) Trudy is kind of beautiful.
22) From CNN.com: "Nancy Grace hosts Headline News' legal analysis program."
23) The handle on Trudy's door fell off. Vampires scare me.
24) For hopefully the last time, MY MOTHER IS D-E-A-D! (And she'll be dead the next time someone asks, too.)
25) WOW! You're a regular Kid Rock!
26) Yeah… her hair is freaky…
27) Okay, no Phil Collins. How about Lionel Richie?

Lynnae said...

beagal... dude... that was AWESOME!