Monday, June 11, 2007

Great. I'm in my dad's "daytimer."

How are you feeling today? Me, I'm feeling about this small. As you undoubtedly remember from last week, Doris the Holy Ghost (see the previous blog post for details—but in a nutshell she's part of the holy trinity and lives in Eureka, CA and smokes unfiltered Pall Malls) advised me to confront my dad, and ask him to stop ruining my life! And boy, did Doris' pep talk get me fired up!
On a side note, let's all start using the word "pep" more often. For example, "Karen (that's my lamb) humped the couch pillow with a lot of pep today!" (PMF.)
Anyway, after ending my video webchat with Doris, I immediately called dad's cell, and immediately got sent to voicemail.
"Dad? Jesus. YOU AND I NEED TO TALK. Call me as soon as you get this." CLICK.
Saturday passes… nothing. I call back. "Dad? It's your son, Jesus Christ? The one you allowed to hang on a cross with big spikes in his wrists? Yeah, that's the one. CALL ME BACK. NOW." CLICK.
Sunday passes… nothing. "I'm not kidding, dad! This is super important, and you better call me back! In about 36 hours I'm going to start getting really peeved!" CLICK.
Then suddenly? At around 2 pm today, the phone rings.
"Hello, this is Francoise, God's personal assistant. How may I help you?"
"Umm… okay… is my dad there?"
"Who is this again?" he asked.
"JESUS! JESUS CHRIST! Your boss' son!"
"There's really no need to get testy, now is there? How may I help you, Jesus?"
"For starters you can hand the phone over to my dad."
"I'm sorry, Jesus. Your father isn't available right now. That's why he's asked me to assist you. So how may I assist you?"
"You can't assist me! Only my dad can assist me! I need to talk to him personally."
"Ohhhh… wow," Francoise said. "I'm not sure if that's going to work for me… but if you want to set up an appointment, I can check his schedule."
"That would be awesome. And FYI? I'm being sarcastic."
"Yes, the tone was noted. I have a 5:30 on August 29."
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? He's my FATHER, and I want to talk to him as soon as possible!!"
"You know, yelling doesn't really work for me. However, I'll look again. (FROSTY PAUSE.) Okay, the best I can do is five minutes, this Friday at 3:42. Come to his office and don't be late. You'll have some paperwork you'll need to fill out."

(Yes, I was wondering what kind of paperwork the Son of God would need to "fill out"… but at this point, I was ready to end the conversation.)

"That sounds great, Francoise! And I really, really, really, REALLY want to thank you for all your help in this matter."
"Sarcasm really, really, REALLY doesn't suit you, Jesus. See you Friday!" CLICK.

Can you believe that?!? That Francoise is a real p-hole! (PMF!) But now I'm really going to let my dad have it! And all I have to do is figure out something smart to say. (Good thing I have till Friday!)


Stacy&Jaye said...

Well, you gotta figure that your dad already allowed the worst thing possible to happen to you...not much worse he could than that.

You've gotten through worse buddy, I'm sure you'll pull through

Catfish said...

Hey, Jeez O'Pete...
You know what? You should totally take your dad a bottle of Scotch when you go up and see him... well, maybe not scotch, cause then he would be all like, "Oh, you couldn't get the good stuff?!?" and poo like that... maybe some bourbon, it doesn't really matter, but the point is, you take him some booze and you suggest ya'll share a drink to cut the ice then get him all loaded and when you guys are all good and drunk you can get all histerical and let it ALL out... All that stuff you always wanted to say to him but never had the guts but a good belt of hooch seems to bring out (I LOVE THE WHOLE WORLD, DAD!!! EVERYBODY!!!)...
Just make sure he gets loaded, too, so you aren't all drunk and beligerant alone...
Save some for Trudy, too... steak and booze, those are the real panty peelers, let me tell you...
Your Friend,

Rebecca said...

Say, Jesus:

When you go in and talk with your dad, whatever you say to him, you should say it very softly. With intensity--a bit of pep, if you like--but *softly.* That way, he'll know you're serious, and he can't accuse you of being emotionally overwrought or whatevs.

(I think there's an episode of THE OFFICE where Michael, who is SO SMART, talks about the usefulness of speaking softly and leaning back in your chair to get people to take you seriously. You could check it out.)

Now, what kind of office does your dad have? Does it have, like, big giant double-doors leading into it from the reception area where Francois works? And if so, does it have big handles, rather than knobs?

Cuz if so, you could bring a giant stick and stick it through the handles so no one else can get in there with you. It would buy you extra time. I think that's exactly why they say "Speak softly but carry a large stick."

Good luck, my ninja!

the queen said...

Don't forget to bring a Father's Day present. Otherwise, he'll be insulted.

Burrito Martinez said...

Okay Hay-soos,
here is the deal. Doris was your dad's assistant before Francois right? Get her back on the chat line and get her advice. Nobody will have better advice than her. Doris is da Bomb! The Holy Ghost for your sakes! (PMF) Don't forget, your dad is only one of the issues to resolve, you still have Trudy (works at the bank) to contend with. Remember, the Steak!
I totally want details too my friend, know what I mean....
I haven't heard back from You Guys R Silly. I think she might be a Lesbian. Can you look into that for me. I haven't got a lot of time to waste banging on the wrong door (so to speak).
Alright my Ninja, Get er done!
Burrito Martinez (you know, roll the r's)
p.s. i've got tickets to the mariners game, you want to go?

The_Myth said...

'Sup, Ninja!

Have you spoken to your Mom about this at all?

You know, she was really there for you after the whole crucifixion thing. And she always seemed so wise and shit [pardon my French].

At the very least she might be able to recommend a nice Father's Day gift. Like maybe some myrrh or something.

minniemama68 said...

Jeez my Ninja,
Wow!!! I realize your dad has the whole world in his hands but he needs to make time for you and Karen (that's your lamb). I agree that you need to bring a gift. Doris might be able to suggest something, maybe a nice Merlot or a tie (does your dad wear ties?) Maybe golf is in order. That is one manly game with a lot of pep, and it seems to allow the emotions to flow freely, from what I can tell. Just try to stay calm and don't go all ninja on dad while you explain yourself. Good luck. We all love you, my ninja!!!

you guys r silly said...

Burrrrrito, mah squirrel!!
Give a NON-Lesbian a chance to sit back down to her computer again!
I just now answered you on Doris the Holy Ghost comments...jeesh...
Dude, we have more important matters here than steak & nooky (PMF, Jesus.) Our Lord has some serious shit happening here.
Concentrate on the matter at hand, mi amigo.
First Jesus. THEN other stuff.

you guys r silly said...

note to the_myth:
eeek...just a heads up --- I mentioned Jesus's mom on an earlier post's comment, and it tore the dude up inside...he said "my mom's dead, but thanks for reminding me."
you might want to quick make amends while you can...

Choirboy said...

Remember when you were wearing those spikes and then you cried out: "Why have you abandoned me?" I'd say that was one of your first clues that things were not going well between you two.

The Father is a putz, as far as I'm concerned. Whatever happened to your Mom? Are they like all mad at each other?

I'm sure Doris is right about confronting him. I don't think it's going to go well, though. But know this, we're all rooting for you, Jesus. We're your number one PEP club.

Choirboy said...

Oops, just read you guys r silly's comment about your Mom. Damn, I PMF'ed up. Sorry dude. Please forgive me.

Burrito Martinez said...

O.K. You Guys R Silly,
My Bad!! You know, the delicate male ego thing. When I hadn't heard back I had to go the only route we guys can comprehend and that is you are into chicks. Lame I know. What can I say.
We cool? You are right, our boy has some serious S-word going down.(PMF) I might pray to his dad to be open and accepting.
Do you like OutBack?
Peace out babe,

Archangel Michael said...

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus,

So yesterday we’re in the daily heavenly staff meeting and that little persnickety diva Francoise (we don’t like him up here either) whips out the “Billed Usage Summary” and flips to the page for Doris (The Holy Ghost). He was all too quick to point out where she had billed the time (and video link usage charges!) she spent with you and your silly little problems. Apparently trying to run cover for you, she billed the time under “Planetary Restructuring”. Francoise clearly had an axe to grind with you (and now I see why) and so he spends what seemed like an eternity proving that in fact the time was spent was with you. He had a whole slideshow presentation prepared to back up his claims. (Booooring!)

Needless to say, your dad hit the roof (metaphorically speaking of course…we don’t really have roofs up here). While you’re down there on Earth having all sorts of fun (playing baseball, eating cotton candy, playing tricks on people, and hanging with Karen (your lamb)) we have a huge project in the works. Hello? Armageddon…perhaps you’ve heard of it? This project has us all running around like crazy beings and trust me almost everyone is involved in this project. It’s THAT big!

As I’m sure you must know, Doris (and her staff) is a major player in this project and so anytime she gets pulled off of what she’s working on to put out some silly little fire (a squabble over second base for example), well things go to hell (PMF) quickly. She is on a very tight schedule and you need to respect that while she does seem to have a particular fondness for you, she has big work to do. (Hey, a girl has to pay rent.)

I tell you all this so that you can be prepared for your meeting with your Dad on Friday. He’s not going to be in a good mood especially when what this comes down to is you being selfish. There, I said it. You always were a bit of a drama queen (PMF?). I say that with love because you know I love you dude (like a brother) but please lay off with all the Divine intervention business that you’re seeking or your going to find your ass (PMF) nailed to yet another cross.

By the way, do NOT bring booze with you on Friday. You dad isn’t all that wild about “man made” stuff. Bring weed…clearly he likes that, he made it. Perhaps Burrito (roll the R’s) can get you hooked up. He seems like a player.

Good luck with it all.

Your pal,

PS… you might want to start work on a disguise for Karen…I’m just saying…

you guys r silly said...

Burrrrrito mah squirrel!
Yep --- We cool!
But see archangel michael's comment? See what I mean about
Jesus needing all the help we can give him right now!?
So just hold onto that Outback thought til a little later, k? --- it's a good one!

None Given said...


All that stuff "archangel michael" said sounds TOTALLY made up. I mean, why would a Holy Ghost need a STAFF for anything? It doesn't add up.

Jesus, I wish you the best of luck meeting with your dad. From what I understand, he is quite unpredictable. But you know him better than any of us, so just listen to your instincts and do what you feel is best.

OK, now I'm confused. If I'm going to pray that everything goes well with your meeting, who do I send it to? Or should I even bother?


Bigg said...

My Holy Ninja,
'Sup. I totally worship your blog, and I really feel for what you're going through with the dad. I agree with taking him some booze, but remember he seems to like the wine best... And remember that little trick you used to do with water? Cheaper, is all I'm sayin'!
Whatever happens, you will always be my close and personal J-Naz.
Peace out, and Amen!

The Recovering Straight Girl said...

I'm a little afraid of Michael.

Burrito Martinez said...

Hola Jesus(Hay-Soos),
Wow, a lot going on. AA Michael really shed some light on the situation. I think it gives this some much needed clarity. He's right too, I can totally hook you up my ninja. Just say the word.
Hey, you might not give it all to your dad, share a little with Trudy before the steak, huh?, huh?, you feelin me bro?
Hey since you will be seeing Him on friday, you mind having him put a word in to mother nature? I'm having a barbecue on sat. and it looks like rain. Could use some help with the weather. Greater Seattle area dude.
Peace out man.
Stay peppy!
Burrito(roll the r's) Martinez

you guys r silly said...

Hi Jesus!
I'm just wondering : did your father have a father?
If so, was their relationship as dysfunctional as your's & his is?
Maybe the 2 of you would benefit from going to counseling together. Do you have health care that would pay for that? I'm pretty sure your father could afford that, if you could too.
Your dad has alot of issues that need to be worked on.
Love you Jesus! Night!

minniemama68 said...

Hey!!!! Haven't you been reading my ninja's blog????
That said, enjoy your bbq, and hopefully provide the son o' god with some good shit (pmf)

Hopefully, a love connection will be made via this blog, especially since you guys isn't playing for the other team, if you know what I mean!!!

Burrito Martinez said...

Hey MinnieMama,
Thanks for the shout out. I want Him to put in a word to Mother Nature who does control the weather. He must have her number. Probably on speed dial. He had her do the 40 days and nights thing once remember. I'm just asking for about 5 hours of sunshine in the afternoon. Seems easy enough.
And thanks for the positive vibes on my girl YGRS. This could be the one!
Martinez out!

Jesus H. Christ said...

I'm not a fan of Francoise.

1) I KNOW! Those spike marks still hurt!
2) Good advice. I don't drink hard liquor, but good advice.
3) You are the smartest person in the world.
4) UGH! I forgot about that!
5) Look Burrito. I've got my own women problems.
6) Yeah, she's kind of dead. But I'm sure she would've been helpful though.
7) I have no idea what to get him! He already owns a yellow Hummer!
8) You guys are funny.
9) It's okay. Mom can't help being dead.
11) It's fine. That's the problem with immortality. People think your whole family is immortal, too. I like you!
12) Mmmm… can we get back to ME, please?
13) I'm sorry… I drifted off for a sec. What were you saying?
15) You can just send an email. That works. Or a text message.
16) I don't know much about liquor. Is Malt Duck okay?
17) Oh, he's fine. Though I think he might be fibbing, and really he's just a temp.
18) I'll mention it, but really guys… Dad doesn't give a crap about the weather or your barbecues.
19) I can't get dad to come to my softball games. How can I get him into therapy? (It's a good idea though!)
20) What "team" do you guys keep talking about? Maybe I can play, too! Do they have a second baseman?
21) I'm pretty sure Mother Nature is a myth. I'll check it out, though! (No tongue kissing, you two!)