Monday, June 11, 2007
Great. I'm in my dad's "daytimer."
How are you feeling today? Me, I'm feeling about this small. As you undoubtedly remember from last week, Doris the Holy Ghost (see the previous blog post for details—but in a nutshell she's part of the holy trinity and lives in Eureka, CA and smokes unfiltered Pall Malls) advised me to confront my dad, and ask him to stop ruining my life! And boy, did Doris' pep talk get me fired up!
On a side note, let's all start using the word "pep" more often. For example, "Karen (that's my lamb) humped the couch pillow with a lot of pep today!" (PMF.)
Anyway, after ending my video webchat with Doris, I immediately called dad's cell, and immediately got sent to voicemail.
"Dad? Jesus. YOU AND I NEED TO TALK. Call me as soon as you get this." CLICK.
Saturday passes… nothing. I call back. "Dad? It's your son, Jesus Christ? The one you allowed to hang on a cross with big spikes in his wrists? Yeah, that's the one. CALL ME BACK. NOW." CLICK.
Sunday passes… nothing. "I'm not kidding, dad! This is super important, and you better call me back! In about 36 hours I'm going to start getting really peeved!" CLICK.
Then suddenly? At around 2 pm today, the phone rings.
"Hello, this is Francoise, God's personal assistant. How may I help you?"
"Umm… okay… is my dad there?"
"Who is this again?" he asked.
"JESUS! JESUS CHRIST! Your boss' son!"
"There's really no need to get testy, now is there? How may I help you, Jesus?"
"For starters you can hand the phone over to my dad."
"I'm sorry, Jesus. Your father isn't available right now. That's why he's asked me to assist you. So how may I assist you?"
"You can't assist me! Only my dad can assist me! I need to talk to him personally."
"Ohhhh… wow," Francoise said. "I'm not sure if that's going to work for me… but if you want to set up an appointment, I can check his schedule."
"That would be awesome. And FYI? I'm being sarcastic."
"Yes, the tone was noted. I have a 5:30 on August 29."
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? He's my FATHER, and I want to talk to him as soon as possible!!"
"You know, yelling doesn't really work for me. However, I'll look again. (FROSTY PAUSE.) Okay, the best I can do is five minutes, this Friday at 3:42. Come to his office and don't be late. You'll have some paperwork you'll need to fill out."
(Yes, I was wondering what kind of paperwork the Son of God would need to "fill out"… but at this point, I was ready to end the conversation.)
"That sounds great, Francoise! And I really, really, really, REALLY want to thank you for all your help in this matter."
"Sarcasm really, really, REALLY doesn't suit you, Jesus. See you Friday!" CLICK.
Can you believe that?!? That Francoise is a real p-hole! (PMF!) But now I'm really going to let my dad have it! And all I have to do is figure out something smart to say. (Good thing I have till Friday!)