Hi, and WOW. Yesterday stunk. I feel a little better today, but yesterday? WOW. That was a low point. For those just joining us, it might be better if you stop now and read the previous few blog posts. Just keep scrolling down until you see a picture of Will Smith. Anyway, in a nutshell, Trudy (the bank teller) likes Damien (the jerk) and guess who's the dumb-butt (Jesus). Oh, yeah… pardon my French (PMF). Even worse, Trudy actually tongue-kissed Damien (EWWW!) and I didn't even get to play second base on my softball team—which was the whole stupid point in the first place! I suppose I should "count my blessings" or something idiotic like that, but all I can really be thankful for is that Karen (that's my lamb) didn't poo-poo in my new cotton candy machine. Oh, did I mention I bought a new cotton candy machine? It cost one thousand dollars. That wasn't a smart purchase, as it turns out, but what can I say? I shop when I'm depressed.
Anyway, after dragging myself out of bed, taking a shower, and buying a cotton candy machine, I decided to confront Trudy at the mall food court. I also decided to secretly tape record our conversation, so you could listen, and help me figure out what to do next. Here's an edited transcript of what we said:
JESUS: Thanks for meeting me.
TRUDY: No… sure, sure… are you okay? You look awful.
JESUS: No… no… no, no, no, no, no, no, nooooooooooo… I'm great. Just great. I brought you some cotton candy.
TRUDY: Thanks.
JESUS: I made it myself.
TRUDY: Wow… that's really cool, I love cot…
JESUS: HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME????
TRUDY: Whoa… whoa… what?
JESUS: You weren't supposed to tongue kiss Damien! You were supposed to keep not liking him!
TRUDY: Jesus… this was… this was YOUR idea! I didn't plan…
JESUS: You didn't plan to stick your tongue in his mouth? It just "fell" in there accidentally?
TRUDY: You're really upset. Why are you so upset?
JESUS: Because you were supposed to follow the plan and trick him and hurt him and get second base back for me, and I wanted you to do me this one favor, this one stupid favor, and instead of doing the favor, you did the opposite of the favor and instead of hurting him, you hurt me, and now you like him, which means I'm out of the picture and both you and second base are gone forever!
TRUDY: I haven't gone anywhere!
JESUS: Do you or do you not "like" Damien? And when I say "like," I mean "LIKE-LIKE."
TRUDY: (Long pause.) Jesus…
JESUS: Well?
TRUDY: I don't know how I feel.
JESUS: You don't know how you feel? YOU DON'T KNOW HOW YOU FEEL? Well, maybe I should ask your tongue! Since it was digging around in the back of Damien's throat, maybe your tongue will know how it feels! HEY TONGUE!! HOW DO YOU FEEL??
MALL SECURITY GUARD: Is there a problem here?
JESUS: NO!!! Why don't you beat it, Dork Tracy?
MALL SECURITY GUARD: Hey, sir. That hurts my feelings.
TRUDY: He didn't mean that, security person. He's just upset. I'll take care of this and we'll be quiet.
JESUS: I will NOT be quiet! And neither will Trudy's tongue! Because it's going to tell me how it feels! TELL ME HOW YOU FEEL, TONGUE!
MALL SECURITY GUARD: Okay… you're a pervert. Let's take a walk to my office.
TRUDY: That's really not necessary!
MALL SECURITY GUARD: Oh, yes it is. Let's go.
JESUS: See ya later, Trudy! Say hello to the inside of Damien's mouth for me, you backstabber! Oh, and I hope your tongue enjoys the cotton candy! Be sure to give Damien a taste, too!! OW!?!?! Let go of my hair, pig! Ohhhh, what are you gonna do? CRUCIFY ME? Been there, done that! Do you know who my dad is, you big dumb jer… [Tape ends]
Okay, so maybe I could've handled that better.
OH, MY DAD! Can things get any worse? Hmmm… guess they can. Karen just vomited cotton candy all over the rug.
23 comments:
Get over Trudy. I'll tongue kiss you right now.
Dear Jesus,
Does Trudy read this blog?
How do you think she would feel if she read your recent posts?
kthnksbye
Perhaps you should think about taking up a new sport. Water Polo perhaps?
Two words: Stanley Cup. More words: What better way is there to channel your frustration than by screaming at a television set? Karen might get scared, so get her involved, too! She can bleat with the best of 'em!
And eat lots of cotton candy, too. Just don't vomit it all over the carpet. Unless you want to.
Dear Jesus,
You should have followed my earlier suggestion and hooked up with a hot dog on a stick girl.
love, Hank
Geez, way to go Adam Sandler on that bank teller.
Someone needs a Zoloft refill, stat!
All prescription medication needs aside, I think you really need to get over your Trudy-obsession, Jesus, and move on.
Love,
Jon
Oh Dear Jesus,
Now you are getting led away by a mall security cop??? What are we going to do with you??? You need to calm down so that you can talk with Trudy. Sounds like you really like this girl, but you are going to blow it (PMF) if you don't calm the heck down now!!! (PMF) I know it is hard for you now. Between Trudy and the barf on your floor and all, we are here for you, but take it from me, spazzing out on Trudy isn't gonna get you anywhere. Just take some time and calm down for your Dad's sake.
And we love you man!!!!!
I just have to say that any trial or tribulation that ends in the purchase of a cotton candy machine is definitely worthwhile.
You're the best!
Amen
Jesus, I think you have some self control issues. Maybe you should look into Boudism?! Or learn some calming techniques? Hey remember, if it's so bad you can just end your life and go to heaven! oh wait.. no.. suicides go to hell right? At least thats what i learned in church I think... and from that movie "What dreams may come" !
Hey, Jesus, a little friendly advice, if I may? You got into this mess through trickery. So obviously, you can get yourself out of it by trying to trick Trudy again. If she sees you making out with some hottie she doesn't like, she'll realize that kissing Damien was all a big mistake and she'll dump him and come back to you! It's worth a shot anyway!
Ah, 'Boudism'. I've been waiting for the obvious to happen: a religion based around worship of a fine French sausage.
So is your goal still to get back second base? I played softball when I was a prepubescent (PMF) and I played third base until the coach's daughter was put there, and I was relegated to left field. She threw the ball like a shot put, I never understood why her dad would make such an obviously nepotistic choice. I guess it's just one of those unfair things in life. I agree with the recovering straight girl. And maybe try some Rescue Remedy or kava or something, 'cause dude, it's not worth stressing so much that you end up having to deal with a fascist mall cop. Nothing's worth that.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, what have you gotten yourself into this time? It certainly seems that you've made a mess of things with Trudy, Damien and your coach and especially poor little Karen. You know, I remember the mess you made with your last girlfriend, Mary Magdalene. We cleaned up after that one, we'll do the same here. When we have people write about you this time, we'll position Trudy as a whore (pardon my French) too and poo-poo (PMF) her into history just like we did with old Mary.
I've been watching this whole fiasco (pardon my Italian) unfold from "on high" and while it is laughable, ultimately it is your own fault. Now I know you love being the martyr (pardon my Greek) but haven't you played that card quite enough? I mean really...again? How many times do you need to be cruified before you get it? Stop telling people what to do and stop trying to manipulate people just to get your way.
Just focus on being the best Jesus that you can be and have confidence in yourself. Work on being the best catcher ever and you'll attract a new set of friends. Trudy is trouble and so is Damien (didn't you watch "The Omen"...please!). Drop 'em both like a bad batch of cottoncandy.
Now get over yourself and know that you are loved (despite your trickster ways).
Peace out,
Michael
Hey Yahweh, can I call you Yahweh? There is this new book out called The Secret. It has ancient mystic knowledge that people like you and Buddha and Lindsay Lohan all know about. Maybe you forgot. But this mystic knowledge will make your life better. If you buy the book and read it it will tell you how you can not only get Trudy, but 10 Trudys. And a geniw will buy you a car. So look into the Secret ,Jesus. It's the kind of book you should be reading. ( I bet Captain Janeway read it in the future).
Don't listen to whoever suggested more trickery. That's how you got in this mess in the first place.
And, Jesus, I wouldn't try any of that walking on water stuff for a while, you are really missing your mojo.
Jesus, let it go.
What a tangled web we weave, huh, Jesus? Maybe you need to take a little vacation and try to erase your little encounter from your mind and Trudy's.(the bank teller who works at your bank). If you don't contact her for a while maybe you both will get some perspective on this situation.
Meanwhile, don't let Karen (your lamb) near your cotton candy. I don't think it is very good for her.
As far as that saying "what would Jesus do?" I think the rest of us know the answer!
Just kidding!
Hang in there, Jesus! May your Father be with you.
Hola Jesus (Hay-Soos),
I think you should get a pop-corn machine to go with your cotton candy machine. You know the kind like at the fair. You could start your own carnival or circus. Karen (your pet lamb) could be one of the acts. Does she have talent? Like walk around on her front legs or anything? You could make a little money to cover your expenses. You could make a lot of money and become stinking rich and make Trudy regret she ever dogged you for that grease ball Damien. (PMF I think?) Trudy is a whore (PMF for sure).
I love your BLOG. I'm totally on board with you man.
Your new friend.
Burrito Martinez (roll the r's)
BM for short
Dear silly Jesus,
Can't you see? We are all whores. We are all devils. We've all had our tongues in the wrong place every now and then. The only thing you can so is follow Archangel Michael's advice and just go back to being the Jesus we all know and love. I know you walk amoung us but aren't you supposed to be above all this silliness?
Does Trudy like to Poo Poo (PMA) on new stuff like the Cotton Candy Machine? My dog, Yoda, like to Poo Poo (PMA)in new places too! Maybe they can play together one day. I can lamb-sit for you when your doing important godly things!?
ADO
OMG -- Dork Tracy? Jesus that's funny. The precision of anger is amazing, isnt' it? Why can't we ever think of those things when we're calm?
But inappropriate confrontation never works. Just makes us feel worse, huh? But you know that now I'm sure.
Ya gotta wonder where Trudy's head is at besides up her patoot (PMF)cause Damien is obviously using her. I bet you a cone of cotton candy that he did it just to be an A-hole (PMF) She's obviously very desperate.
OMG Jesus,
It may have been mentioned here already, but I just figured it out.
You don't really want to play second base.
You want to GET TO SECOND BASE with Trudy!
think about it over a super Quiznos sandwich.
best of luck -b
If a guy friend of mine secretly liked me and told me during an irate yell-fest, it wouldn't win him any points.
Take some time to calm down and talk to her without yelling. I'm sure you two will learn a lot.
Like I said, maybe I could've handled that better.
1) Thanks. It's nice to have a back-up tongue just in case.
2) She thinks people who write and read blogs are nerds.
3) Does water polo have second base?
4) Two words: Hockey's great!
5) I'll keep her in mind. And her stick.
6) I took your advice about the Zoloft, but the pharmacist said I needed a prescription.
7) Thank you, but I'm pretty sure Trudy thinks I'm a pee-wipe. (PMF.)
8) Thanks, I'll make you some cotton candy.
9) Suicides don't quite work for me. For obvious reasons.
10) At this point, I'll try anything.
11) Yum! Sausage!
12) He wasn't a fascist, he just didn't like me.
13) You're just one of those goth kids that like to put on fake wings, aren't you?
14) I heard about that book on Oprah!
15) I can't walk on water. That's another bible fib. UGH!!
16) The cotton candy machine?
17) Yeah, me and my dad don't get along so well.
18) Yay! A burrito likes me!
19) MY tongue has NEVER been in a wrong place… except maybe in an ant hill. I was three!
20) Damien is an A-hole and a B-hole. (PMF, PMF.)
21) My softball league only allows one person to run to second base at a time. Yours sounds more fun, though!
22) BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEL!! (Sorry. Yelling again.)
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