Monday, June 4, 2007

I'm like whatever.

Hey. What's up. I'm like, "whatever." This has been the stupidest weekend in the history of weekends. It was so stupid that I ended up sleeping through most of today, and woke up around 4 pm to eat a ham sandwich and take a nap. And I think I'll continue to take this course of action, because the world is one big fat stink hole.
So you remember what happened Friday, right? I asked Trudy (bank teller) to go out on a date with that dillweed Damien (trickster jerk), so he would return to me my rightful place as the second baseman for our softball team. (If you have no idea what I'm talking about, skip down three blog posts. Or go away forever. I don't care.) Anyway, I eventually figured out this was a really dumb and ineffectual plan, and decided to ride my bike down to the pizza shop, crash into their table and whisk Trudy away on my handlebars. The result?
I went to every stupid pizza place in town, and they weren't anywhere! Plus I kept calling Trudy on her cell, but she wouldn't pick up. Frankly, I was scared poopless. (PMF—"pardon my French.") Finally she calls at noon on Saturday, and was all like, "Hi! What's up?"
And I was all like, "You scaring me poopless. PMF. That's what's up."
Turns out she's absolutely fine—and even worse? She said her date with Damien was "DREAMY." And not only that, she said Damien was actually "a really sweet guy" once you got to know him, and that she not only kissed him on the mouth, but she also stuck her tongue inside a little bit! EWWWWWWWW!!!!
I slammed down the phone and decided I wouldn't call her back until I could get the taste of bile out of my throat. At least I got second base back, right? Well, at Sunday's softball game…
Damien was all like, "Jesus! Dude! That date with Trudy was super hot! She could be the one, dude!" And I was all like, "WHATEVER, dude! You're the catcher now, so why don't you start catching?" But right when I went to second, the coach walked up and was all like, "Jesus… what are you doing?"
And I was like, "Damien said I could have second base back."
And he was all like, "Well, Damien doesn't coach this team, I DO. Get back behind home plate!"
I kind of don't remember much after that. I think I went into some kind of comatose state that people go into when their entire world starts spinning really fast and falls apart and comes crashing down like the Red Sea on top of their heads. The next thing I knew Karen (lamb) was licking my face at 4 pm today, which is her code for "eat a ham sandwich." I did, and felt a little better. That is until I cried myself to sleep. I just woke up again a minute ago to evacuate my bowels, and thought I'd write this. I'm going back to bed now. I've got some more crying to do. Maybe I should have faith things will get better. But since it won't, I can't.


minniemama68 said...

Oh Dear Jesus,
I am so sorry about the whole Trudy date thing.
I wish I could kick Damien's butt for you (PMF) but alas, I don't know where you live here on Earth.
Sounds like you really like Trudy. Perhaps, in a few weeks, the newness of Damien will wear off and his azzholedness will come shining through and she'll be done with him. Then it will be your time to let her know how you feel.
I'm sorry you now hate the "Officer and a Gentleman" theme. This is a perfect occasion to listen to my main man, Rick Springfield. "Jesse's Girl" will not only make you mad, but you'll get in the mood you will need to kick Damien's butt (PMF)

Catfish said...

Sorry Jesus, so sorry...
That is about the worst of all possible scenarios...
I guess it would be time to think of the good things you have (Karen, Quiznos, etc.)...
What I want you to do is get some of those little yellow sticky pads (uhh, pardon my french? it sounds dirty) and write things on them, positive things, like "GO FOR IT" and "YEAH, BOY" and stuff, and put them on your bathroom mirror and whenever you see them read them out loud, real loud. It might help.
Otherwise, I suppose you could go all Emo and maybe you can get the sympathy vote... just don't start cutting... that's just lame...
Ooorrr... maybe you could try and make her jealous, do a double date or something... hmmmnnn...

Cee in SF said...

Yikes! I don't know what to say except that I hope that the crying helps and that you're up and at 'em soon.

I'm so not about trickery, but even I want to whirl a softball at Damien's head. He's a vortex of evil.

You should make up with Trudy and then bogart her time so that Damien bribes you to leave her alone. But then you don't leave her alone and you make her forget about him. Friendship is stronger than infatuation. (I think.)

Missy A said...

oh you poor thing it does sound so much like the evil Damien was tricking you into a date with Trudy after all
Maybe you could get dad to smite him or something?
A locust plauge in his bed?
Frogs in his bathtub?
Maybe just vaseline on his baseball glove
I recon you get him back now

None Given said...

Ya know, it ain't no wonder this happened. Sorry to say it. Trudy's been after you for, like ever, and continually got denied.
I'm just sayin'.
But the Good News (get it?) is that you are JESUS CHRIST, for, uh, chrissakes, and that means that you have been, and always shall be, the most coolest nicest person in the Universe, which by the way was made by your Dad in 6 days---?

None Given

Rebecca said...

Do you have a cowboy hat, Jesus? It's because of stuff like this that every cowboy sings a sad, sad song. Every rose has its thorn.

I'm sorry all this happened, Jesus. Damien is bad news! And, trickery sucks! (Pardon my French.) I think you should ask your dad to smite him for you.

Narcess said...

Man I told you you had feeling for Trudy and now you may have blown it. You feel sick because deep down you like her alot. Lets see if we can get you back in good graces.. Ok first, bake a batch of ex-lax cookies(keep Karen away from them)and give them to him and tell him to tell Trudy that he made them for her... When they both end up sick she will blame him and you can come to her rescue and take care of her while she is sick.

Jon said...

Jesus. Now that's one depressed deity.

Anyway, go to Cold Stone Creamery and get yourself a large Founder's Favorite. You'll feel so much better, I guarantee it.

Anonymous Dog Owner said...

Oh Jesus,
Does all this mess mean you don't have time to listen to my prayers? I count on you for all my stuff and it seems as though you are as f#@!!#*ed (PMF) as everyone else..... Please fix yourself up, brush yourself off and be there for me. I am told that I can ask you for that...even expect it.
And what about Karen? What is she supposed to do while you are comatose in the bed? She needs you too. Come on, Jesus. I can't help feeling a bit surprised that you let these worldly feelings of jealousy, anger, spitefulness and such take over your wonderful self.
You are still my HERO!

killedasouthernbelle said...

dear jesus,
this sucks. sow the wind reap the tornado? whatever.
my heart breaks for you.

you guys r silly said...

oh Jesus. I am so sad and depressed for you that I can't even bring myself to comment.
ok, so I guess I just DID comment, but what I meant was that I can't comment with anything meaningful or helpful for you. So I'm not going to say anything more.
my heart is breaking for you Jesus.
ok, so I know I said I wasn't going to say anything more, but I wanted to tell you my heart is breaking for you.
so I did.
but seriously, I'm going to end this comment right now.
Please just feel better jesus.
wow. this "not commenting" thing is alot harder than it would seem...

Pearl C. Pritchard said...

Oh Jesus!

You definitely need a gratitude list. Remember, if things don't work out on the relationship front, it's because God has something better in mind for you... something bigger and better than you can imagine.

Better than 2nd base even.

So remember Jesus, the attitude is gratitude.

I love you from the botton of my heart.

PS -- I once meet a nun who showed me a wedding ring and she said that she's married to God. Just thought I'd mention that.

Lynnae said...

hi jesus,

i'm so sorry this happened. i was so sad i wasn't going to comment either (like you guys r silly) but then pearl raised an interesting question... are all nuns your step-moms?


princeO'darkness said...

Well, I suppose that it's going to be sort of interesting to see what the largely Catholic police force in town does when they find you outside BankTrudy's house, peering in the window. Arrest you? Ask for forgiveness for wanting to arrest you?
This would never happen if you just joined Me-I just mean to hang out, okay? Nothing...Official.

And as I think you know, that one guy's wrong about you needing some Coldstone. Everybody knows that what the recently cuckolded Son o' God needs is...SAINT CUPCAKE! Oh MAN it's so GREAT!

Rebecca said...

totally unrelated to this post:

The Holmes said...

It'll be okay Jesus. You just need the right soundtrack to your angst.

Trina said...

Oh Jesus, I hope you start to feel better soon. A friend of mine was feeling sad today so she sent me a text message asking for my happiest memory. I thought about it, and came up with a memory of my cats when they were kittens and just getting to know me. So try thinking about kittens, or maybe think about some happy memories with Karen, or just go gamboling with Karen, or bury your face in her soft wool. Pet therapy works! And the holmes is also right on with the music therapy suggestion. Man, I thought you were so going to ROCK 2nd base! Damien is evil.

Marcia said...

Jesus, maybe if you asked Trudy to go out on a date with the coach...

Huh? Oh.

Well, try some Dove chocolate. It's better for you than ham.

Stay strong, JC!

Choirboy said...

Oh brother: WOMEN! Well, Jesus, you are indeed a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief.

Hang in there, dude. You're doing the best you can.

Jesus H. Christ said...

I feel better… marginally. So don't push it.

1) Thanks, I'll consider it.
2) Thanks, I'll consider it.
3) Thanks, I'll consider it.
4) I don't do locusts. That's my dad. And we're not exactly speaking right now, but thanks, I'll consider it.
5) Thanks, you're nice, too.
6) I do have a cowboy hat. Thanks, I'll consider it.
7) Sounds kind of illegal, but… Thanks, I'll consider it.
8) Thanks, I'll consider it. (Do I get any money for that ad?)
9) Thanks for reminding me that I'm a jerk. I'll consider it.
10) Sow the what?
11) Thanks for your non-comment. I know what you mean.
12) Nuns are dad's groupies.
13) Nope, just groupies.
14) Thanks, I'll… wait. What?
15) Ummm… this is about MY problem, people. Let's stay focused.
16) Thanks, I'll consider it. How about REO Speedwagon?
17) Thanks. Kittens. Karen. Soft wool. Music. I'll consider it.
18) Thanks, I'll consider it.
19) Thanks, I'll consider it.

Pravin said...

you are bullshit