Friday, June 8, 2007

Doris, the Holy Ghost.

What's up, my ninjas? Yeah, not much here either… except! I had an awesome video webchat last night with Doris, the Holy Ghost (she's part of the holy trinity and lives in Eureka, CA) and she really put my head back on straight about this whole Damien, Dad, and Trudy (she's a bank teller) thing. As you may or may not know (read this blog more often if you don't) Damien has stolen Trudy, my second base position on the softball team, and has made veiled threats against Karen (that's my lamb). Plus, for some reason it seems my dad has put him up to it! That's effed. (Pardon moi Francais.)
Anyway it seemed like there was only one more person I could turn to for help, and that's Doris the Holy Ghost—my dad's old personal assistant who died from lung cancer and is totally on my side about stuff. So I video webchatted her, and here's what happened:
I started to tell her the entire story, but she interrupted me to say, "HONEY. (Wheeze!) I read your blog.
(Wheeze!) I know everything that's going on." (By the way, Doris still smokes. Unfiltered Pall Malls. Wow.)
"So what do I do," I cried. "I'm really at the end of my rope!"
"Okay, honey,
(Wheeze!) first of all calm down. Doris is here, and we're going to solve this thing a bit at a time. (Wheeze!) First of all, Damien is a [f-word] [c-word] and a real [p-word] to boot—so we're not going to worry about him for the moment. (Wheeze!) Secondly, forget about second base. Your coach obviously doesn't want you to have that position, so either drop it, or tell coach to go [f-word] himself and join another team. (Wheeze!) Your team sucks hippo [d-word] anyway." (Wow. Do I really have to keep writing PMF after all this? Let's consider "PMF" as read.)
"Ohhh-kay…" I said. "But what about Trudy?"
"If I were you I'd take her out for a steak and then [f-word] her.
(Wheeze!) That's the only way you're gonna know if you love her or not. Until then, be a man, go to her house, bring her some chocolates, and apologize for being such a little [p-word]. Then [f-word] her. (Wheeze!) Now, I know that sounds harsh, and I love ya honey, but sometimes you can be a real little [p-word]. (Wheeze!)"
"No, it's fine… you're right. I was wrong to yell at Trudy and for making her do that dumb favor. I'm a p-word." (PMF.)
"Now," she said, "Let's move on to the real problem which is your dad. He's a [d-word].
(Wheeze!) I have no idea why I worked with that [c-word] sucker for such a long time, but everybody has their issues. He obviously has wanted you to get into the family business for years, and instead, you ride your bike, eat at the mall food court, and play with your gay lamb. (Wheeze!) That's not a slur, honey. She really is a lezzie. (Wheeze!) He's obviously paid off this Damien [d-word]bag to take away the things you love, because he thinks it'll make you the kind of man he wants you to be."
"What? Really? My dad doesn't like me?"
(Wheeze!)… he loves you. This is how men are. Except for you. Your brain's not shoved inbetween your balls. [She can say "balls," right?] (Wheeze!) You're going to have to confront your dad, honey. You're going to have to tell him you're never going to be the person he wants you to be. (Wheeze!) You're just gonna have to nut up, and be Jesus. You okay with that?"
"Yeah… I guess I have to be."
"That's right, honey. You have to be. Now give Doris a cyber smooch, and run along. My stories are about to come on the television and these cigarettes aren't going to smoke themselves.
(Wheeze!) Just remember, no matter what your dad says: Life is a buffet, sweetie. And most poor suckers are starving to death."

I went to bed after that, held Karen in my arms, and had the best night of sleep I've had in two weeks.
Dad's going to get a little visit from me.


ChillyMama said...

Dear Jesus,

Wow, cool! Doris is Auntie Mame!! That is so very cool, ninja. She knows *everything*.

Good luck with your dad. Hey to Karen!

Catfish said...

Hey Jeepers,
I was totally going to say all that stuff that Doris (she's the Holy Ghost) said... for real...
I think that you as well as everyone else needs to realize that YOU are YOUR own person, and not just your dads son.
Go your own way, dude, but totally go get a piece of Trudy. I bet she's super fine, you know what I'm sayin Ninja?!?!
Have a good weekend!!!
p.s. did you try my suggestion about putting up the sticky notes (pmf) and saying positive things to yourself in the mirror? You big puss, I hope not, I was totally joking.

Catfish said...

I can't believe I called Jesus a big puss.
Sorry man!!!

J2 said...

Hey, Jesus!

That Doris is one totally cool Holy Ghost. I can't say I agree with her rather abrupt advice, you know, with Trudy, though. It may not be your style. Or maybe it is...maybe you can ask your friend who writes that advice blog.

Anyway, that was some Stanley Cup series. Can't wait for the Portland Winter Hawks to hit the ice, again. Summer belongs to soccer.

Have a nice little Karen-and-Jesus gambol this weekend. The exercise will do both of you some good. And rent "To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything...Julie Newmar." The music may raise your spirits. Oh, and sing along with some eighties songs. Really shallow ones that don't tap into your emotional depths.


minniemama68 said...

Hey Jesus, my ninja,
Good luck with doing the deed (pmf) with Trudy. Hope it goes well. Please take some birth control with you, because if you don't end up liking her, and she gets preggers, you might end up being a mall security guard so you can pay child support. Wouldn't want any lil ninjas running around until you are ready for em!!!!
Good luck with dad. I know from experience that standing up to a parent can be hard, but as long as you are stong, I'm sure you will get the message across to him.
Tell Karen I said hey!!!!
I never realized that Doris had such a potty mouth (pmf). She should make her own rap CD. It would sell millions!!!
Be careful now y'hear!!!!

you guys r silly said...

Hi Jesus!
Instead of saying "ninjas", me & my BFF always say "squirrel" so instead of saying
"Ninja, please..."
you can say
"Squirrel, please..."
and I think it sounds even funnier.
Try it if you want to.
About your father --- I hate to say this, but this is the kind of shit about him that pisses me off. (Too much french in one comment coming up to ask you to pardon it each time - sorry.)
Where does he get off saying shit like " if you love me you'll kill your son" and "i know you want to do something else but I want you to do THIS instead --- never mind what YOU want". All this CONDITIONAL LOVE shit --- he's always messing with people's minds and making people feel inadequate and inferior --- like HIS way is the ONLY way --- whether you feel the same way or not.
" Do what I tell you to do or I'll drown your sorry ass and every single other person and living thing on earth."
Sorry if I offend you in saying this about your father, but do you know what I mean?
I think you do.
Sorry about all the french up there that I didn't ask you to pardon, Jesus.
Good Luck talking with your father, Jesus. Stand up for yourself --- don't let him give you any shit.
If he tries anything, just give him the "Squirrel, please . . . " thing, ok?
Love ya.

Choirboy said...

Right f-in' on Doris! She's the main ninja. Kind of spooky, though, huh?
So glad you're feeling better, J-man. Now get it up and whip it out. You got some f-in to do.(PMF)

you guys r silly said...

Hey --- it's me again.
Just a thought : you might want to think twice before you get all hot & bothered and go running over to eff Trudy all Barbarian like . . (pardon my french.) (is "eff" really a french word?) Anyway - That really doesn't make too good of an impression on most chicks --- even though some guys think it does... (and even in spite of what Doris said.)
Just sayin'.

The_Myth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
The_Myth said...

Jesus, did Doris used to be Mother Nature before she became the Holy Ghost?

I bet she really died from Pollution, not lung cancer.

I think Doris gave you lots of good advice, except for f-ing Trudy [pardon my French]. If Trudy's just a friend, then f'ing her [p.m.F.] isn't a good idea.

But if you like-like her, then tell her so and ask her to date you instead of Damien.

Any way, good luck with Dad.

Cee in SF said...

Doris doesn't mince words, does she? Well, as long as you're listening to someone who is advising you to man up. Good luck. Hope your dad confrontation goes better than mine did.

dlm said...

Unfiltered Pall Malls- hardcore! My Granny Dot smoked unfilted camels. She died too but I don't know where she went. Maybe I'll look for her in Eureka, I didn't know that was an option. Are their other choices besides Heaven, Hell, and Eureka?

Burrito Martinez said...

Hola Jesus(Hay-Soos),
You were wise to consult Doris(the holy ghost). I agree 100% with her advice. You need to forget 2nd base, not important, deal with your dad on the whole Damien issue, and F-word (PMF) Trudy. Trudy obviously likes you (remember the whole finger in the mouth thing) and has been wanting you to get off your butt and make a move. How many hints can a girl drop. She digs you man. She is all up in your S-word(PMF). I have a feeling she will rock your world. I have a theory that bank tellers are like librarians, you know the whole naughty good girl thing. Nice...
I consulted my friend Jen who has the biggest head of anyone I know (massive brain), and she agrees with Doris(the Holy Ghost) as well.
BTW, Jen and I can't look at a chik-a-stick without cracking up now.
Alright my Ninja, be cool and take care of business.
Your friend,
Burrito(roll the r's) Martinez

Burrito Martinez said...

Comment to you guys are silly,
Dude you are forgetting that Doris(the Holy Ghost) said to buy her a steak and then eff her (PMF). That makes all the difference. Pay attention to the details. Doris is dope.

Marcia said...

Doris is my kind of Holy Ghost! She has chutzpah!

No Relation said...


Your Dad shows he loves you by taking things away. That's effed-up, but so true! Hang on to Doris, she's a keeper.

you guys r silly said...

reply to Burrito (I'm not very good at it, but I DID try to roll the rrr's. &:o)
In my defense, are you a male or female?
If you're male: no, a steak does NOT "make all the difference".
If you're female: I didn't say it doesn't impress ALL women, just "most". So if you're female & don't agree with me, please don't think I was talking for ALL of us - I wasn't.
I AM paying attention to the details --- also speaking from experience since I'm a woman.
Tenacious D even agrees with this:
" ... sometimes you don't have to eff (sorry, Jesus...) her hard --- in fact, sometimes that's not right to do..."
Check it out, Burrito. (still making an attempt to roll those rrrr's...)
have a good day!

Narcess said...

Man you need to listen to Doris all the way. You need some hot eff'in (PMF) from Trudy. I have told you time and time again you should have hooked up with her back before the Dr. Hovely incedent. Some times Jesus, you need a swift kick to the head and I think Doris has kicked you in the right direction.

Burrito Martinez said...

Shout Out to You Guys R Silly,
Hola YGRS,
Thanks for the note back. I was just sayin that since the advice came from Doris(the Holy Ghost) and since she is from the trinity it is pretty much rock solid advice. Now it may not be the right answer for all females, but for this particular situation with Jesus(Hay-Soos) and Trudy I have to go with Doris and her insight and stick with buy her a steak and F-her(PMF). Doris must know that Trudy really loves steak and will drop trou at the sight of filet.
I'm just sayin....
hey I appreciate the attempt to roll the r's.
peace out mi amiga.

Anonymous Dog Owner said...

See what the devil does? He did one thing (asking to play second base) and all of the sudden everyone is arguing and caught up in a bunch of pettiness. Even Jesus! Very powerful,that one....

you guys r silly said...

* peace BACK back to you, mi amigo Burrito! *
( damn! those rrr's are tough to roll... )

Burrito Martinez said...

To: You Guys R Silly,
Are you single? Can I take you out for a steak? Jesus(Hay Soos) shouldn't get all the action.
I'm just sayin....

Jesus H. Christ said...

Three cheers for Doris the Holy Ghost!

1) I love Auntie Mame.
2) I bought those Post-Its for nothing? Crap. (PMF!)
3) No big whoop.
4) I rented that movie. It was good! I didn't know that Patrick Swayze was gay, though.
5) I am NOT going to do that thing with Trudy! So embarrassed!
6) I get mad at him too, my squirrel.
7) Get what out? Whip what out?
8) I'm NOT going to do that thing with Trudy! Oh my dad!
9) Response deleted.
10) I'll consider the date, but the f-word goes too far!
11) Man UP, my ninjas!
12) Boise is nice this time of year.
13) I think Jen is smart, too!
14) No fighting! We like each other!
15) And she likes a schmear now and then as well!
16) Outtasight! High Five! Word up, my squirrel!
17) Can't we all just agree that steak is delicious?
18) The last time I got kicked in the head I woke up nailed to a cross. Count me OUT!
19) Ummmm… steak.
20) I'm not so sure Damien is the "devil" per se… he's just kind of a jerk.
21) Huh?
22) Jeez… get a room, you two!

you guys r silly said...

hey there Burrrrrito! (still trying!)
Dude..."buy you a steak"...
I know what YOU got on your mind...
Told ya --- steak does NOT make all the difference...
If things smooth out between our Jesus & Trudy, maybe we could DOUBLE with them!?
We could all go for CHEESEsteaks - and then to the movies --- Is "Last Temptation of Christ" still in the theatres?

Big Headed Jen - friend of Burrito Martinez said...

Buenos tardes, Jesus (Hay-Soos),

I'm not sure what to make of all this... I can't believe Trudy (works at the bank) made you grovel with an extended apology and then toss Damien back in your face. I think you should make her jealous with another cutie pie.
My big head is propped up on some pillows but it's cutting of the blood flow to my ears and tongue so I have to make this fast. You should show off with Nancy Grace in front of Trudy (works at the bank). She's kind of being a b-word (PMF) to you now.

Make her jealous by showing off around town with Nancy Grace. That will show her.

Big Headed Jen - friend of Burrito Martinez said...

Oh, one other thing Jesus (hay-soos)....

Thanks for helping me find my Tinkerbell lip gloss in the glove compartment of the VW when I was 6. That made be believe in you forever. Remember?

Does Trudy text very much. If so I think I have an idea for you.....

Ryan said...

What? What is wrong with smoking?

Here check it out:

1. Ninja code of ethics
2. Holy Ghost ninja style
3. Who will be a ninja with me?
4. Bible in Basic English
Who will give me help against the sinners? and who will be my support against the workers of evil?

So will you join the ninja revolution? You must purify yourself.