Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Karen the lamb: Superspy!
What's up, buttercup? I was feeling especially sneaky today, so I sent out Karen (that's my lamb) to be my SPY! See, after my run-in with the high school football players this past weekend (see previous post) I decided that I need to be extra creative when it comes to wooing Trudy. (She's a bank teller. She likes Damien. I don't like him. She doesn't like me. That's not true. She likes me, but not in the way I like her. However, Damien doesn't like me in a very similar way to the way I don't like him.)
Anyway, I didn't want to be spotted lurking around after Trudy, because stalking is super gross. On the other hand, if I don't learn more about the stuff Trudy likes, how am I supposed to successfully pitch woo? That's where Karen the SUPERSPY comes in.
So I borrowed a mini-video cam from Jeremy—he's my new shirtless friend, and one of the high school football players I was telling you about—and I attached it to Karen's back. Then I took Karen to the bank (that's where Trudy works) around lunchtime, and told her to follow Trudy no matter where she goes. Then I went home and waited for Karen to return.
I'm really not sure where my plan went wrong.
I mean, that was a good plan, right? I don't know… I just don't know anymore. Anyway, Karen returned about three hours later, and I just watched the videotape. It seemed like everything was going great until Trudy actually left the bank. That's around when the camera showed Karen getting distracted by a kid carrying one of those Orange sherbet push-up ice creams, and Karen went gamboling after her. The kid seemed to really like Karen, so she took her back to this really shady looking apartment building. But the kid's parents thought Karen was some kind of weird white rat, or something, and told her to "Get the h-e-double hockey sticks out of here!" (Pardon their French.)
Karen apparently got frightened, and looking for an exit, accidentally ran down to the basement of the complex, where there were some people asking their pet roosters to fight each other.
Well, as we all know, Karen LOVES roosters, so she gamboled right into the ring! But as it turned out, the roosters were super mean, and started chasing her around the basement which got all the rooster owners mad, because I think they were betting on the outcome of the fight or something. So Karen was running around like crazy, and amid all the hullabaloo, she jumped onto some boxes, and scooted out the basement window, where she thought she was safe, right? But she wasn't safe because she scooted right into the middle of some kind of drug deal or something—I couldn't tell for sure, but one of the guys had a big bag of white powder, and everyone was pointing guns at each other. That sounds like a drug deal, right?
So Karen is in the middle of all these guys with guns, and somebody yells, "AIIIIEEE! White rat!" And the guns start going off. The camera was pretty shaky at this point (for obvious reasons) but there were a lot of screams and general chaos, and I'm pretty sure I heard people falling down. But happily, Karen escaped and ran into a nearby building to hide. However, the building she ran into was a butcher shop. Thinking back, I suppose it's a good thing the shop owner was vegan, because he was nice enough to read Karen's identification tag, and bring her home to me. Thanks vegan butcher!
Anyway, I have to say, while I certainly appreciated Karen's effort, she really didn't get the original job done, did she? That's why you're going out again tomorrow, young lady! And next time, you're going to follow Trudy. That means no more rooster or drug dealer fights! But that's for tomorrow.
For right now, I'm going to give Karen a big toasty bowl of Lamb Chow, a nice warm bubble bath to wash the rooster feathers off her, and read to her from her favorite book, "Goodnight Moon," as I rock her to sleep.
Sleep tight, my little superspy. You've had a busy day.