Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Karen the lamb: Superspy!


What's up, buttercup? I was feeling especially sneaky today, so I sent out Karen (that's my lamb) to be my SPY! See, after my run-in with the high school football players this past weekend (see previous post) I decided that I need to be extra creative when it comes to wooing Trudy. (She's a bank teller. She likes Damien. I don't like him. She doesn't like me. That's not true. She likes me, but not in the way I like her. However, Damien doesn't like me in a very similar way to the way I don't like him.)
Anyway, I didn't want to be spotted lurking around after Trudy, because stalking is super gross. On the other hand, if I don't learn more about the stuff Trudy likes, how am I supposed to successfully pitch woo? That's where Karen the SUPERSPY comes in.
So I borrowed a mini-video cam from Jeremy—he's my new shirtless friend, and one of the high school football players I was telling you about—and I attached it to Karen's back. Then I took Karen to the bank (that's where Trudy works) around lunchtime, and told her to follow Trudy no matter where she goes. Then I went home and waited for Karen to return.
I'm really not sure where my plan went wrong.
I mean, that was a good plan, right? I don't know… I just don't know anymore. Anyway, Karen returned about three hours later, and I just watched the videotape. It seemed like everything was going great until Trudy actually left the bank. That's around when the camera showed Karen getting distracted by a kid carrying one of those Orange sherbet push-up ice creams, and Karen went gamboling after her. The kid seemed to really like Karen, so she took her back to this really shady looking apartment building. But the kid's parents thought Karen was some kind of weird white rat, or something, and told her to "Get the h-e-double hockey sticks out of here!" (Pardon their French.)
Karen apparently got frightened, and looking for an exit, accidentally ran down to the basement of the complex, where there were some people asking their pet roosters to fight each other.
Well, as we all know, Karen LOVES roosters, so she gamboled right into the ring! But as it turned out, the roosters were super mean, and started chasing her around the basement which got all the rooster owners mad, because I think they were betting on the outcome of the fight or something. So Karen was running around like crazy, and amid all the hullabaloo, she jumped onto some boxes, and scooted out the basement window, where she thought she was safe, right? But she wasn't safe because she scooted right into the middle of some kind of drug deal or something—I couldn't tell for sure, but one of the guys had a big bag of white powder, and everyone was pointing guns at each other. That sounds like a drug deal, right?
So Karen is in the middle of all these guys with guns, and somebody yells, "AIIIIEEE! White rat!" And the guns start going off. The camera was pretty shaky at this point (for obvious reasons) but there were a lot of screams and general chaos, and I'm pretty sure I heard people falling down. But happily, Karen escaped and ran into a nearby building to hide. However, the building she ran into was a butcher shop. Thinking back, I suppose it's a good thing the shop owner was vegan, because he was nice enough to read Karen's identification tag, and bring her home to me. Thanks vegan butcher!
Anyway, I have to say, while I certainly appreciated Karen's effort, she really didn't get the original job done, did she? That's why you're going out again tomorrow, young lady! And next time, you're going to follow Trudy. That means no more rooster or drug dealer fights! But that's for tomorrow.
For right now, I'm going to give Karen a big toasty bowl of Lamb Chow, a nice warm bubble bath to wash the rooster feathers off her, and read to her from her favorite book, "Goodnight Moon," as I rock her to sleep.
Sleep tight, my little superspy. You've had a busy day.

18 comments:

LeLo in NoPo said...

Not much, butterskutch!
Wow! Karen gamboled here, there and everywhere! Karen is truly amazing.
You know, Jesus, I've never heard of a vegan butcher. What does the butcher butcher if he's vegan? And should I follow up that question with How much wood does a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

J2 said...

Hey Jesus!

"Goodnight Moon" is still one of my all-time favorite books!

When you send Karen out on tomorrow's mission, maybe you'll want to dress her in a SUPERSPY DISGUISE! Does she have a little cowboy costume? It wouldn't necessarily disguise her but it would be terribly cute.

Cheers!

Lindsay said...

Thanks for the tales Jesus, your writing always make me feel better when I've had a rotten day. Keep up the good work!

Stacy&Jaye said...

Hey Jesus, good story.

Just a quick question, do you have any standing on the whole redemption thing? Like all the guys betting on the rooster fight and the drug dealers? And if you do, than what does your forgiveness mean?

The reason I ask is that a childhood hero of mine did something awful, you might have heard about the whole Chris Benoit thing, and I was just hoping that even if I can't forgive him you could,

Burrito Martinez said...

Hola Jesus(Hay-Soos),
Wow Ninja, lots happening. Where to begin? 1st. Just curious, no reason really, any faces clear in that drug deal/fight that karen (your pet lamb/super spy) got all caught up in with the video camera on? Anyone sort of mexican looking? Just curious. You know i've got that hearing next week on some other stuff. I'm just sayin....
2nd. I am totally down with Archangel Michael and the idea of going shirtless with your party pants to woo Trudy(works at the bank). I really like the idea of going commando in your party pants while shirtless. Especially if you have a kick A-word (PMF) body like the high school girls think (i've only seen pictures of you in robes). oh ya, I saw a picture of you hangin on the cross, you did look pretty ripped. Chicks dig the 6 pack dude. I say work it. When you get through throwin it on her she's gonna come a runnin back for more. (Black Crows)
Anyway, I totally rock my party pants commando. Nothin else like it. Michael is right JC, give it a go. It's a good high.
Peace out Ninja,
Burrito (roll the r's) Martinez
ps. watch your backside with those shirtless football players, specially if they've been drinken.
Know what im sayin?
Holla!

minniemama68 said...

Burrito,
You are BACK!!!! At least for awhile....I must say, I missed ya!!!

Jesus,
Try not to put Karen in too much danger, ok???? What did Trudy say while she was doing her bank thing??? Did she not notice a lamb with a camera following her??? Sounds like bank tellering is a hard job that requires a lot of concentration. Perhaps you could open an account at her bank and then go in and make withdrawls at her window. Flash her that ninja smile in your hot party pants and cowboy hat.

That would be my advice.

Oh, and I'm not obsessed with Nancy Grace, I just want the secret of her hair. I've been having an especially bad hair year and need a change. That's all.

Lots of love Jesus...
Good luck Burrito.

Sammie said...

Holy Jesus!
Sounds as if Karen gamboled herself into the middle of a lotta hoopla today! Thank your Father that she found her way home without harm!
I think you should get off of the bandwagon of spying on Trudy (the bank teller who liked you more than you liked her until you discovered that she liked Damien because he 'sang a song to her heart' [metaphor]; now you like her more than you had once thought) because you are endangering Karen's life!
Maybe you should be honest with Karen and tell her how you really feel about her and let her decide what to do.
Your loyal followers have all pointed out to you that there are other cheerleaders in the football stadium! You have also now learned to appreciate your inner coolness and you should have no trouble in finding someone who will interest you more. Also, there is always that Mary Magdelene chick who bore your daughter (if you are to believe the Italian and French tabloids)---by the way, is she entirely out of the picture, or was she a mere mortal like the rest of us worker-bees?
I think that by your concentrating on being the best Christ you can be, you will discover that the whole world is your oyster!
Stay cool and keep me informed on your progress!
May Your Father Bless You,
Sammie

The Ichthyophile said...

Wow, the adventures of Karen.....that might make a cool series of naive children's books.

I'll call Random House!

Oh Sweet Moses! said...

I am so not in favor of putting Karen (your lamb) in danger. Trudy (the bank teller) knows her ... and (sweet abs) Damien too. If they see her following them with a camera tied/taped to her back, I can only imagine what could happen to her.

Can you just pull out a dove from your magic hat and use that instead?

Or just let go of Trudy (the bank teller) altogether. Make new friends. Remember that saying "Set it free. If it comes back to you, it is yours. If it doesn't, it never was" ? She obviously chose (sweet abs) Damien ... for whatever reason that we can't understand ... but you should move on. There's got to be a lot of other gals out there who would be willing to hang out with you. After all, you have a hot bod too like those shirtless football players.

you guys r silly said...

ooooooooooooooo Jesus...
Do you know how PISSED OFF we all would have been if harm had befallen sweet Karen (your lamb) because of your sick obsession with slutty uninterested Trudy (she works at your bank)?????
FORGET ABOUT TRUDY!
FORGET ABOUT TRUDY!
FORGET ABOUT TRUDY!
We love you, Jesus. But you're missing the point here.

killedasouthernbelle said...

I'm with YGRS - Keep Karen ( thats your lamb) OUT of harms way.. Damien might grab her - did'nt he threaten to take her or something a few posts back?

YIKES.

ChillyMama said...

Dear Jesus,

You had me all the way up to the vegan butcher part. I know vegans, they're very strange people, for sure, but they would never become butchers.

Poor Karen! She must have been so scared. Loved the part of the story about the drug dealers all shooting at each other over a "white rat" though - hilarious!

Peace out, ninja.

No Relation said...

Jesus Christ, Prince of Spies!

Please pet Karen for me and tell her that I believe in her. I know she can do this mission.

Narcess said...

Don't you ever, EVER put Karen in a situation like that again. Are you freaking crazy. I mean unless you taught her the secret of the resurection never put her in harms way again.
So now that I have chewed you out for being a 'tard. Can you hook me up with Mary. I am single and would like to meet an older woman..

Biby Cletus said...

Hi, i just surfed in searching for interesting blogs on Spirituality, you have a cool blog. Do keep up the good work. I'll be back even though i live far from where you live. its nice to be able to see what people from across the world thinks.

Warm Regards from the Other Side of the Moon.

On a related note perhaps you might find the following link interesting. Its propossing a theory and i'll like to hear your take on the subject via comments. See ya...

Was
Jesus an Essenes ?


Bibby

Kerala, India

Chris said...

OH LOL... I love that Karen was part of a drug deal... she could work for the F.B.I. you know... nobody would ever think a lamb to be a spy!

Catfish said...

I wouldn't worry so much about Karen (lamb) as I happen to know from first hand experience that lambs are like sharks, only furry and air breathing and they live in pastoral settings...
Irregardless, they can hold their own. They will turn on you like vicious terriers... This one time, this dude I knew (he was like a cousin only not related) when into this field that was full of lambs and he was going to be all funny and pretend that he was humping one of them but then they all ganged up on him and one of them ended up ripping his friggin' arm off dude, they ripped his arm right off and then sat there and ate it in front of him... looking him in the eye the whole time, as if to say, Heh, who's funny now, eh?
They are very loyal though, good thing she is on your side...
Hey, when you woke up on Easter after they had put you in the tomb, were you pissed? I would be... I would probably disappear for a while too...
Catfish

Jesus H. Christ said...

Karen: License to Cuddle.

1) That's a good question. I'll have dinner with the vegan butcher and ask.
2) I do have a Roman Gladiator costume for her.
3) HIGH FIVE!
4) Ick. I'm not too sure what happens to people when they die. I don't remember much about it myself. I have a feeling this Benoit guy has some explaining to do, though.
5) Don't worry, there was no mention of any foods on the video. Especially "Burrito."
6) Maybe they make Nancy Grace brand wigs?
7) Yeah, I've given up on the Karen Superspy thing. BTW, Mary Magdalene is dead.
8) We call dibs on the movie rights!
9) My new "football" plan is already in motion. See my latest post!
10) What? I'm sorry… I was distracted for a second. What about Trudy?
11) I'm pretty sure Damien is scared Karen will poop on his floor.
12) What's so weird about a vegan butcher? If I spent my days cutting up animals, I'd probably be a vegan too. But I'll ask him.
13) She decided to hide under the bed all day instead of going out to spy. What a chicken!
14) MARY IS DEAD, OKAY?? (Sorry… sorry…)
15) Essenes sounds dirty. I don't read dirty things. I like you though, and welcome!
16) I don't think the FBI would take her. She can't pass the physical.
17) That's a funny story. Yeah, after I woke up I was P.O'd all right. (OOPS! PMF!)