Wednesday, June 20, 2007

I'm cowboy cool.

Howdy, pardners! Guess what? I decided to wear a cowboy hat today in honor of my lunch at the mall food court with Trudy (you know… she’s the bank teller I’ve been telling you about?). I figured wearing a cowboy hat would accomplish the following tasks: 1) That I’m cool. Not “Fonzie” cool, but “Marlboro Man” cool—and without the lung cancer. 2) That I’m not desperate. Seriously, when’s the last time you saw a desperate cowboy, outside of Brokeback Mountain? And 3) I secretly know that Trudy is kind of hot for cowboys… or was that gas station attendants? Hmmm… poop. It was gas station attendants. Nevermind. Cowboy hats are still cool.
Anywhichway, as you know, I really made a horse’s patoot (PMF) out of myself recently, when I went ballistic on Trudy for tongue kissing Damien (but I don't blame myself too much, because he’s such a jerk). Apparently, I didn’t realize that I liked her, until I really liked her, hence the wig flipping.
But when I saw her today, I was INTENT on not losing my temper or freaking out in any way shape or form. I was going to be "Mr. Cool"… COWBOY COOL.
So when she walked up to the table I had five Hot Dog on a Sticks waiting for her.
"Howdy, ma'am."
"Well! Howdy yourself," she said. "Nice cowboy hat."
"Aww… twern't nothin'."
"How have you been?"
"Great, actually… I've been doing a lot of thinking and…"
"Well… well… well," Damien said. "If it isn't Jesus Effin' Christ."
"Pardon your French, Damien," I said.
"Don't start, Damien," Trudy said.
"Jeez, I was just havin' some fun with the guy," he said. "I thought you told me to be friendlier to him."
"You asked him to come here and friendly to me?" I said to Trudy.
"WHOA!" Damien said. "Don't freak out, Jesus! You don't want me to call security, do ya?"
"STOPIT," Trudy said. "Both of you. Yes, Jesus, I asked him to come here and be friendly to you, because Damien and I are dating now, and you're my best friend. So if Damien wants me to date him, you're part of the package. Isn't that right, Damien?"
"Sure… whatever."
"Is that okay with you, Jesus?"
"I'm cowboy cool," I said.
"Well, yee-haw," he said.
That's when Damien picked up TWO of the Hot Dogs on a Sticks and bit into them.
"You gonna eat ALL these hot dogs on a stick, Hop Along Christ-idy ?"

I won't bore you with the rest of the details. Suffice it to say, it was HORRIBLE! Damien is the grand exalted emporer of all P-HOLES! (PMF!) But I sat there, bit my tongue, and didn't freak out, or throw him over the railing into the aqua massage cart 30 feet below. I was cowboy cool—just like I had promised myself. Interestingly though, when they left, I noticed Trudy was scolding him all the way back to the bank. HA! This could work out in my favor after all—all I have to do is think of something that will tempt Damien to be an even BIGGER jerk than he already is. Hmmmm… Maybe next week, I'll come to lunch wearing a British Bobby hat! (They're so coooooool.)


damien said...

Wow, Jesus. Yeah, you were sooo cool at the mall in your cowboy hat. So cool in fact maybe we should market a Christ-sicle. Then we should market your bike as a christcycle. Then, we could make a commercial that says ride your christcycle to the store and pick up a nice cool christcicle on a hot day. How 'bout that, Jesus? Would you like that? Hmm? I guess the only difference is the Christcicle wouldn't cry when someone chooses to put their lips on the Damienpop instead.


Oh Sweet Moses! said...

This event reminds me of the time when you were in the Garden of Gethsemane, where you went to pray and later on betrayed by you know who.

You went to the mall to be cool and have lunch with Trudy ... who betrayed you by bringing Damien ... and yet, you remained cool.

Btw, next time you wear your cowboy hat, wear a plain white, snuggly tee(tucked in), belt with big buckle and torn jeans. That would be super cool!!!!

killedasouthernbelle said...

drop Trudy like a hot tater.
she deserves Damien for dissin the Christ.

Ja'AmLo said...

amke next time you should do one of your magic tricks - right before he bites into the corn dogs, turn them into snakes, or habanero peppers or something.

PS - do you have to wave your hand like a Jedi when you do your magic?

Anonymous Dog Owner said...

......maybe it's because you seem to be somewhat of a DORK, Jesus. Have you thought about that?

God bless YOU,

Kato said...

Have you ever worn the cowboy hat with your cool pants you mentioned the other day?

You could be Cowboy Gay!

minniemama68 said...

My ninja!!!!
Damien is a one wears wife-beaters--um, muscle t-shirts anymore. Whatta jagdork
(PMF). Great job on keeping your cool. I bet you looked hot in your cowboy hat and I fully agree a white t-shirt, big belt buckle and dark blue jeans would complete the look and drive Trudy nuts. You want to continue being on your best behavior because that clearly does two things--one--it makes you look much more mature than jackass (PMF) Damien--and two--obviously, Trudy was impressed. Have fun with it, because this has gotta be driving him nuts. I'm proud of you!!!!

SweetLikeJesus said...

Yeah... I am proud of you too, Jesus.
I think you should try wearing a top hat next time. Those always look cool with a beard.


Choirboy said...

Jesus, it's so hard knowing that you are going through these things. I'm really starting to question Trudy's intentions. I mean, really, now. Why would she tell D-turd (PMF)she was having lunch with you? She knew what would happen and we all know she knew. Sorry to say it but dude, it thucks to be you right now.

Sammie said...

I agree with oh sweet moses! in that you should wear the white tee and torn jeans and large belt buckle--but what would put the oooo in cooool would be to wear some cowboy boots with some dirt on them to make him think you have been on the range rounding up cattle (or sheep). You are way too cool for the likes of Damien, the devil boy!
Just acting nonchalant like you did you invited him to act like an a-hole (PMF).
I am proud of you for the way you acted the other day!
Peace On, Jesus!

you guys r silly said...

Hi Jesus!
Do you really have a beard? If you do, I think you should try a GOATEE instead. . . that would be even better. (cooler - sexier - PMF )
And I'm agreeing with the cowboy hat, white tucked t-shirt, etc, thing, too.
I still lubbs you Jesus!

Mike Noga said...

Sorry J-Man but she called you her best friend in front of your face. You know what that means?!
I'm afraid the best you can hope for now is a forlorn rendevoux in about 10 or 15 years. You and trudy will be at a Bar B Q(Damien will be with his mistress), both of you just tipsy enough. Trudy, broken and tired from years of corrosive marriage to the physically and mentally abusive douchebag will take you by hand into the children's playhouse and talk wistfully about what might have been. Eventually you will engage in some monkey grabbin' but you will be too disgusted by her pathetic status to really feel excited by her. SHe'll down another fifth of rum,suck back a few more cigs and wander home,shoeless and with a bra strap hanging down her arm. You'll return home to Karen and your new wife,Lucy Lawless(She's from New Zealand. They love lambs.) and you'll feel relived that things didnt work out with Trudy the way you wanted them to just a few years earlier. Also if you're gonna wear a Cowboy hat, why not try chaps!?

Chris said...

By your dad... I got. Jesus, shave your beard... and donate it to locks of love. Not only will you help a cancer patient... you will show Trudy (TBT) that you can be the super cool guy. Then she will fall for you. If it doesn't work, at least there will be some child with your beard as their hair. Oh... and I think maybe if you wore a backwards LA cap after the trim... it might make it even more of a hit.

fairycookie said...

Way to go, Jesus! Keep being cowboy cool, and eventually dumb-butt (PMF) Damien will go away.

Even if Trudy doesn't like-like you (which she does, she stuck her finger in your mouth), you still want her to be happy, and she won't ever be happy with a d-bag (PMF) like Damien.

Now go gambol with Karen in celebration!

sheena said...

Jesus, next time you see Damien, just effing punch that d-bag in the face (PMF). Obviously, Trudy likes jackasses (as I'm afraid most women do), and that would be a good way to avenge yourself, get Trudy back, and man up!

Besides, if YOU don't punch Damien, I'm going to have to.

The Ichthyophile said...

Damien sure does seem annoying.
I bet he works at one of those T-shirt kiosks in the mall. Or better yet, one of those annoying people who try to get you to try their super-absorbant towels or spray cologne in your face.

Jesus H. Christ said...

Yippie-ki-yi-yay, mother PMF'ers!

1) I don't get it. Are you being sarcastic? You should say "sarcasm" after saying something sarcastic so everyone will know for sure.
2) I actually have a belt buckle with a picture of me riding on top of an 18-wheeler. It's sweet.
3) I do like potatoes.
4) That would be a great trick! Teach it to me!
5) I am somewhat of a dork! But I don't think too much about it.
6) That hat with those pants are too much power for one man to wield.
7) I'm going to do that outfit, AND learn the achey-breaky heart dance!
8) Or a safari helmet!
9) I like the way you say "thucks."
10) Damien is more of a b-hole than an a-hole. PMF!
11) Or maybe I should rock a soul patch!
12) Chaps are next on the list!
13) That's a great idea! (Do cancer patients really need beards?)
14) Gambol! Gambol! Gambol!
15) I kind of don't punch people. (But I laugh at Damiens who get punched.)
16) He works at the bank with Trudy. But I'm sure he annoys customers there, too.