Wednesday, June 20, 2007
I'm cowboy cool.
Howdy, pardners! Guess what? I decided to wear a cowboy hat today in honor of my lunch at the mall food court with Trudy (you know… she’s the bank teller I’ve been telling you about?). I figured wearing a cowboy hat would accomplish the following tasks: 1) That I’m cool. Not “Fonzie” cool, but “Marlboro Man” cool—and without the lung cancer. 2) That I’m not desperate. Seriously, when’s the last time you saw a desperate cowboy, outside of Brokeback Mountain? And 3) I secretly know that Trudy is kind of hot for cowboys… or was that gas station attendants? Hmmm… poop. It was gas station attendants. Nevermind. Cowboy hats are still cool.
Anywhichway, as you know, I really made a horse’s patoot (PMF) out of myself recently, when I went ballistic on Trudy for tongue kissing Damien (but I don't blame myself too much, because he’s such a jerk). Apparently, I didn’t realize that I liked her, until I really liked her, hence the wig flipping.
But when I saw her today, I was INTENT on not losing my temper or freaking out in any way shape or form. I was going to be "Mr. Cool"… COWBOY COOL.
So when she walked up to the table I had five Hot Dog on a Sticks waiting for her.
"Well! Howdy yourself," she said. "Nice cowboy hat."
"Aww… twern't nothin'."
"How have you been?"
"Great, actually… I've been doing a lot of thinking and…"
SUDDENLY, DAMIEN SAT DOWN.
"Well… well… well," Damien said. "If it isn't Jesus Effin' Christ."
"Pardon your French, Damien," I said.
"Don't start, Damien," Trudy said.
"Jeez, I was just havin' some fun with the guy," he said. "I thought you told me to be friendlier to him."
"You asked him to come here and friendly to me?" I said to Trudy.
"WHOA!" Damien said. "Don't freak out, Jesus! You don't want me to call security, do ya?"
"STOP… IT," Trudy said. "Both of you. Yes, Jesus, I asked him to come here and be friendly to you, because Damien and I are dating now, and you're my best friend. So if Damien wants me to date him, you're part of the package. Isn't that right, Damien?"
"Is that okay with you, Jesus?"
"I'm cowboy cool," I said.
"Well, yee-haw," he said.
That's when Damien picked up TWO of the Hot Dogs on a Sticks and bit into them.
"You gonna eat ALL these hot dogs on a stick, Hop Along Christ-idy ?"
I won't bore you with the rest of the details. Suffice it to say, it was HORRIBLE! Damien is the grand exalted emporer of all P-HOLES! (PMF!) But I sat there, bit my tongue, and didn't freak out, or throw him over the railing into the aqua massage cart 30 feet below. I was cowboy cool—just like I had promised myself. Interestingly though, when they left, I noticed Trudy was scolding him all the way back to the bank. HA! This could work out in my favor after all—all I have to do is think of something that will tempt Damien to be an even BIGGER jerk than he already is. Hmmmm… Maybe next week, I'll come to lunch wearing a British Bobby hat! (They're so coooooool.)