Thursday, May 31, 2007

I choose trickery.

Hello! How are you? I am feeling grateful for all of your good advice regarding this Damien situation. (If you're just joining us, I'm mad at my "friend" Damien for tricking me into giving up second base on my softball team, and so I asked everybody to help me decide how to re-trick him back.) Based on your comments, many of you think I should either hit him hard with plagues of locusts (Which is an impossibility… what am I? The Aquaman of locusts?) or "turn the other cheek." That probably would be the "Christian" thing to do. Luckily for me, I'm not a Christian. As far as I'm concerned, Christianity is just some weird religion people made up about a bunch of fibs that other Christians said I did. I don't even know what "turn the other cheek" means. That's why I'm voting for… TRICKERY! (Thanks for your ideas, though, and I really do like you.)
So here's how the trickery is going to work, okay? All I have to do is find something that Damien wants more than second base, right? And that's a pizza date with Trudy, the bank teller (she works at the bank)! As previously mentioned in this blog, he really digs "Trudy's booty" (his French, not mine), and so I called him up and asked him flat out: "Damien, if I convince Trudy to go out on a pizza date with you, can I have second base back?"
And he was all like, "Ummmmmmmmmmmmm… okay."
"On one condition…"
"Not only do I get a pizza date with Trudy," Damien said, "She also has to kiss me on the mouth."
"NO PROBLEM," I said. This is gonna be easy!
Although as it turned out, it wasn't so easy, because a) The softball game is this Sunday, and the pizza date would have to be tomorrow night, and b) Trudy thinks Damien is gross. In fact, when I brought up the idea at the mall food court today, she gave me this funny look like I had hurt her feelings or something. Why? I HAVE NO IDEA. All we're doing is tricking Damien into thinking she likes him. Besides, she had no problem sticking her finger in my mouth (see my earlier blog post) so why is it such a big deal to eat a slice with Damien and peck him on the lips? After all, second base is at stake.
Anyway, she said she'd do it, and then left suddenly saying she had to get back to work.
What a gal, am I right? That is the true meaning of friendship, people, and if you'd do well to remember the kindness Trudy extended to me, and imitate her in your daily life. (In fact, they should make up a new religion called "Trudyism.") Anyway, I definitely owe Trudy a big favor for this one, so the next time we meet for lunch, I'll buy her a Hot Dog on a Stick.
Big date's tomorrow! Stay tuned to see how it all works out! Oh, second base, I can already feel you underneath my cleated feet!


Lynnae said...

oh no jesus, you're walking right into his trap!

don't you realize that damien set this whole thing up JUST to get trudy to kiss him on the mouth??? he took second base from you, knowing how much you liked it. he knew you would miss it and try to get it back.

he already knew how good of friend trudy is to you, and that you would want second base back so bad that you could convince her to go out with him AND kiss him on the mouth... you're playing right into his hands!

call it off before the game jesus... you're being DOUBLE-tricked by damien! (not to mention hurting trudy in the process... imagine if she asked YOU to go on a date with him and kiss him on the mouth for HER? ew!)

good luck jesus... i hope you find a GOOD trick before the game


Catfish said...

Ok, a couple things here, Jebus...
1) First beyotches...
2) I am the one that called it correctly that you are indeed not christian (although you can "worship" yourself in your own way if you know what I mean and I think you do) and are indeed buddhist...
3) uhh, second base to a LOT of people involves the touching of boobs or something so really what you are talking about, in essence would appear to really be about "scoring", you dig, and if I may quote the greatest movie of all times, the 3 Amigos, if you want the woman, you just take the woman... stop beating around the bush (pardon my french)...
4) Thats more than a couple but, in the immortal words of Ronny Cammareri: I ain't no freakin' monument to justice!
5) lets not have this turn into some sort of episode from friends where you finally get the girl (rachel, but in this case, Trudy (she works in a bank)) and you turn into a major dork...
6) ok, I think I have expressed myself... like that band, NWA (pardon my french)

Catfish said...

shoot... second again...

Morgan said...

Knowing how Damien's treated you in the past Jesus, I don't think he'll give you back second base. He probably is just lying just to get a date with Trudy and will try to make up some excuse like "Well the date didn't work out so it doesn't count".

But don't fall for it. It seems like he kind of plays the superior over you but you should stand your ground. Second base is rightfully yours.
I almost garuntee you this plan will not get you second base back, I'm sorry to say Jesus.

Missy A said...

Thats easy fixed
Garlic Pizza!

Rebecca said...

Jesus, I think Trudy would rather get to second base with you than have a first date with Damien! (Yes, I am being dirty--pardon my French!)

I dunno, man. I know you are the son of God and all, but if you're going to be tricky, couldn't you do it IN STYLE? Like trick him into eating a slice of pizza that was contaminated by the flu, so he's out sick at the game and you get to play second base. NOT by striking a deal with him and treating Trudy like a commodity.

Don't fall for Damien's double trick!!! Beware, beware!!!

ok, that's it--bye 4 now.

Trina said...

YES! Gooooo JESUS! You will ROCK 2nd base!

LeLo in NoPo said...

You know Jesus, if you really step back an d look at the situation, you're selling your friend Trudy out so that you can get something from Damien. That's exactly what a PIMP does with his WHORE. JESUS IS A PIMP! Sing it wit me "Oh it's hard out here for a pimp"....

Sammie said...
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Sammie said...

Jesus Christ, are you crazy?!!! (pardon my French). Trudy is really into you. You are so dense not to see that! Trudy is hurt because you are using her as a pawn in all of this. I wouldn't blame her if she never spoke to you again! You see, SHE wants to get to Second Base WITH YOU when you just want to get to second base PERIOD!

I think you need to decide exactly what the heck (pardon...French) is really important to you, Trudy's friendship or to play on second base, because, Bubba, you can't have 'em both!!!!

If you really want MY advice, you should do as lynnea said and call the whole deal off if you ever want to be friends with Trudy.

To Hell (PMF) with Damien! Let him have the base----baseball only lasts a few months, and besides, you might learn something on Home Base and begin to like it. After all, on home you get more action!

Best of luck to you.
Maybe your Father can help you if you ask him.

Your admirer,

Pajama Soup said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Pajama Soup said...

You look good in a bathing suit, J!

minniemama68 said...

Oh Jesus Jesus Jesus....
What are we going to do with you???
Trudy is mad as hell with you (pardon my French) because you are whoring her out (pardon my French) to get something for yourself. It is obvious she likes you a lot. This Damien guy isn't gonna give back second base without a fight. He will just go out with Trudy, kiss her, and tell you where to go---which would be hell (pardon my French). I know you are smart--really, I wouldn't go to church if I thought you were an idiot, but Jesus, open your eyes man. You are being taken for a ride.
Just kick his butt so he can't play. (pardon my French)

Cee in SF said...

I would think twice about using Trudy in this scheme. Unless you can turn this around like the South Park episode "Scott Tenorman Must Die," I think this could be disastrous. But I'll pray to your Dad that this works out for the best. Good luck!

Catfish said...

Hey, I just thought of something... you could smite him... but for real, you know...
See, what you do is play catcher for a little while longer, right, and you know how when the pitcher is warming up and ya'll are kinda playing catch, well, listen, catch the ball, and when Damien ain't looking you throw the ball as hard as you can and try to hit him in the nads (pardon my french)... After this happens a couple times he won't be able to walk and you can have 2nd place back...
Go for it!!!

Kato said...

What if you pulled the old switcheroo on him and when he closed his eye to get a kiss from Trudy, you had Karen (your lamb) kiss him instead? He would be so flustered cause he wants to kiss Trudy!

Also, you could have her do the whole finger thing with him, but instead of a finger use like a stick or a piece of poo or something.

ChillyMama said...

Hey Jesus,
I think you should either trip Damien as he is running or walking by and injure him, or have Trudy pull a switch like Kato suggests and have her turn real fast so he ends up kissing the side of her head instead of her mouth. Then she can slap him really hard and scold him! He would be embarassed and humiliated and maybe he would go away forever. What the heck (pardon my French), it's worth a try! One way or the other he would get hurt.

Jesus H. Christ said...

Let's hear what you think about my foolproof plan.

1) I think you're wrong, but I like you!
2) I have no idea what you're talking about.
3) Still don't.
4) I think you're wrong, but I like you!
5) I like that twist!
6) I think that's illegal, but I like you!
7) Finally, someone who agrees with me.
8) That's a fun song!
9) Response deleted.
10) I think you're wrong, but I like you!
11) Response deleted.
12) Thanks! You should see me in a unitard!
13) I think you're wrong, but I like you!
14) Thank you for respecting my brilliant plan.
15) I'm not going to do what you say, but I really like the way you pose a plan and then yell, "GO FOR IT!" I'm going to start doing that, too!
16) That's funny! I'd like to see Damien with a stick of poo in his mouth! (Ooops! Pardon my French.)
17) You should work for the Pentagon. Hey everybody! Tune back in Monday to see how my great brilliant plan worked out!!

tarquinn said...

Trickery is fun!

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