Thursday, May 31, 2007
I choose trickery.
Hello! How are you? I am feeling grateful for all of your good advice regarding this Damien situation. (If you're just joining us, I'm mad at my "friend" Damien for tricking me into giving up second base on my softball team, and so I asked everybody to help me decide how to re-trick him back.) Based on your comments, many of you think I should either hit him hard with plagues of locusts (Which is an impossibility… what am I? The Aquaman of locusts?) or "turn the other cheek." That probably would be the "Christian" thing to do. Luckily for me, I'm not a Christian. As far as I'm concerned, Christianity is just some weird religion people made up about a bunch of fibs that other Christians said I did. I don't even know what "turn the other cheek" means. That's why I'm voting for… TRICKERY! (Thanks for your ideas, though, and I really do like you.)
So here's how the trickery is going to work, okay? All I have to do is find something that Damien wants more than second base, right? And that's a pizza date with Trudy, the bank teller (she works at the bank)! As previously mentioned in this blog, he really digs "Trudy's booty" (his French, not mine), and so I called him up and asked him flat out: "Damien, if I convince Trudy to go out on a pizza date with you, can I have second base back?"
And he was all like, "Ummmmmmmmmmmmm… okay."
"On one condition…"
"Not only do I get a pizza date with Trudy," Damien said, "She also has to kiss me on the mouth."
"NO PROBLEM," I said. This is gonna be easy!
Although as it turned out, it wasn't so easy, because a) The softball game is this Sunday, and the pizza date would have to be tomorrow night, and b) Trudy thinks Damien is gross. In fact, when I brought up the idea at the mall food court today, she gave me this funny look like I had hurt her feelings or something. Why? I HAVE NO IDEA. All we're doing is tricking Damien into thinking she likes him. Besides, she had no problem sticking her finger in my mouth (see my earlier blog post) so why is it such a big deal to eat a slice with Damien and peck him on the lips? After all, second base is at stake.
Anyway, she said she'd do it, and then left suddenly saying she had to get back to work.
What a gal, am I right? That is the true meaning of friendship, people, and if you'd do well to remember the kindness Trudy extended to me, and imitate her in your daily life. (In fact, they should make up a new religion called "Trudyism.") Anyway, I definitely owe Trudy a big favor for this one, so the next time we meet for lunch, I'll buy her a Hot Dog on a Stick.
Big date's tomorrow! Stay tuned to see how it all works out! Oh, second base, I can already feel you underneath my cleated feet!