Monday, April 30, 2007

Worst… Date… Ever.

Hey. What's up. That's good. I'm soooooooooo bummed. So you remember how I was so hyped up to have a date with my dentist, Dr. Jessica Hovley, right? And how I actually went out and bought a new pair of loafers for the occasion? Well, those were the biggest waste of new loafers I've ever bought in my life. My date… was HORRIBLE. I mean, I've got mixed feelings about abortions, but if I could've aborted that date before it started, I would've done it! NOTHING WENT RIGHT. What follows is a litany of my date with Dr. Jessica Hovley, who I never want to see again… even professionally!
1. When I went to her house to pick her up, the first thing she said was, "Where's your car?" And I said, "I don't drive a car. I either walk, ride my bike or take the bus." And she was like, "Who are you? Forrest Gump?"
2. She was deadset against going to Quiznos, and forced us to eat in some sketchy Ethiopian place. And she was all like, "What's your problem? I thought you were from Ethiopia?" And I was like, "Yeah, but there's a reason America's better, and that's Quiznos!"
3. During the entire meal, all she talked about was what a "d-word" (Pardon my French) her ex-boyfriend was. Then when she finally got around to asking about MY life, she got all grossed out by the spikes-through-the-wrist part! Hey, baby! I'M THE VICTIM HERE! I'M SORRY IF MY BRUTAL TORTURE "GROSSES YOU OUT"!
4. Instead of going to see Are We Done Yet?, she insisted we attend a poetry slam. Frankly, if given the choice? I'll take the cross.
5. By this point, I was so ready to get out of there, I offered to pay for her cab ride. And she was all like, "Aren't you coming home with me?" And I was all like, "Ummmmmmm… no." And she was all like, "What are you? QUEER?" And I was all like, "Ummmmmmm… yeah. Gotta go!" And I ran like the dickens! (Pardon my French.)
Anyway, it was awful! And when I called Trudy the bank teller (she works at the bank) to tell her how awful it was, she started laughing… and I tried to get mad, but I started laughing, too. I guess it was pretty funny. Anyway, the next day, Trudy and I went bike riding, and it was really fun. Everytime I would ask her a question, she'd reply, "What are you? QUEER?" and I'd say, "Ummmm… Yeah!" And ride off really fast. We laughed all day long.
I'm never letting Dr. Jessica Hovley touch my teeth again. I mean, c'mon! Who doesn't like Quiznos?


Narcess said...

Told you man.. Ash and I were right you had a better time with Trudy.. You may be the son of a deity but man your thick.. Ask Trudy out you fool..

Anonymous said...

Being a total queer myself, glad to welcome you to the ranks, even if it is on;y to get out of dentist nookie.

hula_hank said...

Dear Jesus,

You should have ditched her when she insisted on going to a poetry slam.

After you get your teeth fixed, are we going to start seeing your pearly whites in any pictures? Why does no one ever paint you with teeth?

love, Hank

Anthony said...

Any woman who would turn down Quiznos is INSANE in my book. I wouldn't let her touch my teeth either!

Heather said...

Karen would have probably pooped on her anyway.

peripheralvisionary said...

I feel bad for saying this, but I really don't like Quiznos! I don't like my sandwiches cooked, yuck. And weren't they the ones that had that HORRIBLE commercial recently where a really, really strange woman said, "It's not lackin' any meat, and that's what real women need!" and had this insane laughter that made me want to shoot my TV. So besides cooking the sandwiches, Quiznos glorifies eating murdered animals! That's not nice!

Cee in SF said...

Tough break. But better learn all that in one date than have to spend more $$ on a new sweater and stuff over the course of weeks.

Poetry slam, really?! Uh!

Anonymous said...

hey peripheralvisionary, almost EVERYWHERE serves meat so stop whining. And Quiznos does have vegetarian sandwiches, they're pretty good too.

Spencer said...

Sorry about the bad date, Jesus. While she sounds like quite a looker, I don't know why anyone would want anything to do with someone that doesn't want to see 'Are We Done Yet?,' you know? Her loss, man, you're obviously a pretty selfless dude. Hey, how do you feel about people referring to you as "J.C?" I know I wouldn't like it if people called me by my initials. Also, are you still doing the whole carpentry thing? I would love to hire you for some independent contracting. Take care Jesus!

jodi said...

nobody doesn't like quizno's, they've got a pepper bar for "your" sake!

mona b said...

my boyfriend AND sister dont really like quiznos :(

Jesus H. Christ said...

Hello! Thank you for all the awesome commenting! Let's go!

Hey Narcess! Thank you, but I don't think Trudy likes me that way. She likes that Johnny Depp guy.

Hey Chad! I'll come over and we can cook hot dogs!

Hey Hula Hand! I don't smile in pictures 'cuz I got a snaggle tooth.

Hey Anthony! Let's go to Quiznos!

Hey Heather! Karen is smart like that.

Hey Peripheralvisionary! I don't think that stuff in Quiznos sandwiches really meets the criteria of meat. But you could be right!

Hey Cee in SF! You bet! I already had a sweater picked out! From American Eagle in the mall!

Hey Danny! Don't fight you guys. You are both special!

Hey Spencer! You can call me J.C. if you like. It sounds all hip-hoppy!

Hey Jodi! Let's go to Quiznos!

Hey Mona B! Let's go to Quiznos!

Kami said...

I think I just wet my pants.

LeLo in NoPo said...

P.S. I wouldn't worry much about it. I hear Dr. Hovely's a total whore anyway.

Rebecca said...

Jesus, you are so cool. Are you on MySpace? I want to be your friend.

Michael said...

Jesus, I am sorry it did not work out. But if it had, would your Father have agreed with the relationship? Does he not need to vet any prospective "daughter-in-law-of-God"?

PS how do you feel about pre-marital sex? I mean, that's kind of personal, but I mean in general, as a principle? Your dad is quite set against it, I understand.


Kato said...

Good riddance, I say. She totally wasn't the one. I mean, Quiznos!

Katherine said...

Dear Jesus I guess in tuff situations you'd have to ask: WWID? maybe you could ask karen: WWKD? no matter what hang in there, have you tried