Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Religion isn't a competition—but if it was, I would win.


Buenos dias, amigos. Que hora es? Wait... that's not right. Cómo es usted? Look at me! I'm speaking SPANISH! And… now I'm done. Because that's all I know. Here's something I learned today: If you eat a corndog while walking down the street, people look at you funny. I was taking Karen (that's my lamb) for her noon walk, when suddenly I was STARVING! It was a real tricky situation, because when I get low blood sugar, I get super testy, and the closest Arbys was like, ten blocks away. So I stopped into 7-11 to get a corndog, just to tide me over until I could eat five beef 'n' cheddars. (For only five bucks? Such a deal!)
So anyway, I'm walking down the street with Karen on her leash, eating my corndog, and people start staring at me and laughing. At first I thought I had some toilet paper on my sandal, but I didn't. Yet people were laughing anyway! So when this postman starts laughing, I stop him and say, "Hey. You're a postman, right?" And he's like, "Yeah?" And I'm like, "Well, then in a sense, you're my employee, right? So answer this question: Why are you laughing at me?"
And he was all like, "Ummm… because you're Jesus, and you're walking a lamb, and you're eating a corndog."
I don't get that.
See, I hate to complain, but this is just the kind of pooh-pooh (Pardon my French) that really makes me angry. Anybody else in the world can walk their lamb and eat their corndog in peace, but when I do it? Everybody gets all laffy-taffy!
And it's because of all this dumb Christianity stuff! I read a report today that said Christianity (in all its many forms) tops the list as the world's most popular religion. Like, BY A MILE. Christianity has roughly 2.1 billion followers, compared to Islam (coming in at #2) which has 1.3 billion. The list continues like that all the way down to Scientology (which at #22, only has 500 thousand followers). I know it's not a competition, but I was pretty psyched to see that. I really despise those Scientology freaks.
But here's my point! The only reason Christianity beats out those other religions is because it has more sub-religions than all the rest. Everybody jumps on the Christianity bandwagon including Catholics, Protestants, Methodists, Pentecostal, Anglicans, Latter Day Saints, Evangelicals, Baptists, Southern Baptists, Jehovah's Witnesses, Quakers, etc., etc., etc., so it's no wonder they are the top religion in the world, and it's no wonder everybody laughs at me when I walk down the street walking my lamb and eating a corndog!

BECAUSE THERE ARE 2.1 BILLION PEOPLE WHO THINK THEY KNOW WHO I AM, AND WHAT I WANT, YET NO ONE EVER THINKS TO ASK ME HOW I FEEL ABOUT ANYTHING!!!

Sorry. I get upset sometimes.
Life is good. I just need to remember that. Corndogs are good, too! In fact, after talking to the postman, I went back to 7-11 for three more.

22 comments:

Lynnae said...

4 corndogs? How much did THAT cost? I bet it wasn't as good of a deal as Arby's. But hey, if there good, that's all that matters. Were they better than Hot Dog on a Stick? (or is that just blasphemous?)

purpletwinkie said...

Hi Jesus,

Sorry to be the Devil's advocate (pardon my French), but if that's all the Spanish you know, why are you so popular in Mexico (and Spain for that matter)?

How do you talk with those people?

Do you use the free Internet English/Spanish translation sites?

Adios,
Scott

Missy A said...

Hang on a minute you are Jesus right can't you just make those corn dogs appear? I mean they are much better tasting than loaves and fishes and you only want a few
Or is that like abusing the power?

Really though I don't see why people where laughing I know I wouldn't ...might stare a bit though as I've never seen Jesus walking a lamb OR eating a corn dog never mind both at the same time

Jon said...

Are you sure they weren't laughing with you, Jesus? I mean, you're starting to sound hypersensitive, like my obese Aunt {name has been removed to protect her identity}, who gets angry every time someone says the word "fat" because she thinks they're talking about her. She once beat up this thug who clearly meant "phat" (with a "ph") when he said to her, "You a phat beyotch!" (pardon my French!). I heard that dude was released from ICU last week. Anyway, I think you need to keep your emotions in check, especially when eating corndogs.

Cammy said...

Thats awful jesus. But maybe they were laughing at the fact that you were eating something very healthy. i'm sure people would expect you to with hold the highest moral in all situations, including diet.

daniel said...

i don't like Scientology either. those guys are wappy flappy pancakes .

hula_hank said...

Dear Jesus,

When you were at 7-11, why did you not also get a slurpee?

love, Hank

minniemama68 said...

Hey Jesus,

Don't want to sound like a kiss a** (pardon my French) or anything, but I wouldn't laugh at you. Isn't that considered a sin or something???

Just wondering, is Karen (that's your lamb) friendly, because she looks friendly, and if I ever met ya on the street, I'd probably ask to pet her or something.

Love the corn dogs, but have you ever eaten fried cheese on a stick??? Yummmmmm-0

blairthebarbie said...

Jesus, first of all... yes, scientologists are weird, especially that Tom Cruise character.

Secondly, what do YOU really want? (Besides 5 beef n'cheddars...)

LovesCheese said...

Did you share any of those corn dogs with Karen? I'm sure she would like liked a tasty corn dog as well.

I'm just saying....

you guys r silly said...

Hi Jesus!
You WOULD win if religion was a competition --- hands down!
If you were on American Idol or Dancing with the Stars I bet a poopload (pardon my French) of people would vote for you there, too.
You should try that.

mitzh said...

I love corn dogs!

Maybe I'll stare for a wee-bit when I see you walking eating corn dog and taking Karen (your lamb) for a walk..

But I will not laugh. I think laughing at people is bad.

I don't like Scientology as well. And having Tom Cruise as their main representative made it all worst.

Kato said...

Don't take it personally, Jesus, corndogs are as funny as they are delicious. I mean, it's a hotdog, caked in batter, served on a stick. That's just funny food.

mostunpopular said...

"Yo tengo hambre que veo los burros de todos colores!"
Hahaha, hi there, Jesus. You should use that sentence sometime when you're starving and want to eat some corndogs (or what have you.) Hehehe.
Nice to meet you.

Cee in SF said...

I think their laughter is a defense mechanism to hide their jealousy. I'm jealous, too. There aren't any corn dogs around here and I don't like the frozen kind from the supermarket.

Lynnae said...

um, i wouldn't use that phrase written above if i were you jesus... unless of course you follow it immediately with (perdone a mi francés)

Sammie said...

Is the reason you like corndogs so much is that it reminds you of Trudy's finger? Just a thought.
I think you should do anything you want and not be concerned with what other people think. There are a lot of very stupid people out there who have nothing better to do than to make themselves feel better than everone else. Really, they need to do something else with their time. (Like getting smarter!)
Rock on, Jesus, and walk on with Karen (your lamb) and your corndogs!

fairycookie said...

hey Jesus - corndogs are delicious, lambs are super fun. i really like your blog.

you just keep doing what you're doing. HOLLA!

Zart Cosgrove said...

Hey Jesus,

You know which religion I'd like to see do better in the non-competition? A guy I work with is a Sikh, and from what I've been able to figure out, they're all trying to be Jedis! They try to be saints first, and then soldiers defended the weak and defenseless and what not. It's strange, though, I guess a lot of them end up driving cabs and buses and stuff. Kind of a weird line of work for Jedis if you ask me. The guy I work with isn't a driver, though, he's super smart.

Jesus H. Christ said...

Dear Commenters: You're "thumb-body!"

1) Two for a buck, and no. But what's as good as Hot Dog on a Stick?
2) I have no idea why I'm popular anywhere.
3) Sigh. I don't control the weather and I can't make corn dogs magically appear. (I wish!)
4) I will! Say hi to your aunt.
5) People expect too much out of me. Let's go buy some Ding Dongs!
6) Yum! Pancakes!
7) They only had that icky green flavor. I mean, I'm not a health nut or anything, but c'mon!
8) Karen only bites when you try to take the gum out of her mouth.
9) I would like one of those Rascal scooters. I'm tired of my bike.
10) Weirdly, Karen only likes the soy corn dogs. There's no accounting for taste!
11) A producer asked me once to be on the Surreal Life, but I was scared of that "Mini-Me" character.
12) Having Mel Gibson on your side isn't so great either.
13) Corn dogs are kind of funny I guess. Unless you gag on the stick.
14) Does that translate to "I want to heat up your dead burro?"
15) The world would be so much better if there was a "Free Corn Dog Day."
16) Wait… he was talking French?
17) Trudy's finger = corn dog? Who are you? Sigmund Freud? (If so, I like you!)
18) Word up! Fo'shizzle.
19) I would totally join up with a Jedi religion! (Unless that Jar-Jar Binks person was there. I bet he's a Scientologist.)

Choirboy said...

Hi Jesus. Sorry you had such a bad day.

I was thinking that maybe you could host another Last Supper and serve corn dogs at it. Then everyone would want to see you eating one and everyone would walk down the street eating one, themselves. It'd be a spiritual experience, huh?

Jürgen Nation said...

I would like to ask you how you feel about two things, now that you mention it.

1. What do you think about people naming their kid Jesus? Not Gee-zus, but Hay-seuss? Isn't that kind of cheating? What if there's a movement to name children God, only it would be pronounced Joed or something. Shouldn't those names be reserved for only you and your dad? Your mom's name is too popular to be reserved, though.

2. What do you think about agnostics? I am agnostic, which means I don't believe in you but I don't not believe in you either. I just don't know. Does that make you angry? I hope not. I think you're the cat's pajamas (pardon my French), it's just that I would like to reserve judgment for when I decide I have enough answers to make a fully informed opinion.

Both of these things are presently very troubling to me, so if you could take some time from gamboling with Karen to answer, I would be very grateful.