Wednesday, May 30, 2007

I'm mad at Damien.


Hey. What's up. I'M MAD. And I'm mad at Damien! He's what you call a "feelings hurter," and I'm the one whose feelings he hurt. I've mentioned him before. He's the guy who works at Trudy's (she's a bank teller) bank, and plays on my softball team. Now as you know, I used to play second base, and I was good at it too! But Damien told the coach I would be a better shortstop, so I switched positions, and Damien took second. But as it turned out, I stunk at shortstop, so Coach demoted me to catcher—and Damien stayed on second! At the time Trudy told me Damien had planned the whole thing in order to get second, and he does tricky things like that all the time. I didn't believe her, but after what happened today? I'm thinking he's a real… a real… CREEP! (Pardon my French.)
Today at practice, I was catching and the batter hit a foul tip which cracked me right in the nose. (It didn't hurt as bad as two spikes through the wrists, but still….) Anyway, I decided I'd had enough. I went to Damien and was all like, "Damien. I like you. And I've been thinking a lot about it, and I like playing second base better."
And Damien was all like, "I see why you feel that way. Second base is awesome!"
And I was all like, "Right… but I really want to play second base. Can you please give it back to me?"
And he was all like, "Ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… no."
"No?"
"Uh, yeah. I'm thinking… no."
And I was like, "But I want it."
And he was like, "Well, you can suck me." (PARDON HIS FRENCH!!)
Frankly I was speechless. Nobody ever speaks to me that way! But then it got worse.
"Look, Jesus. You're a nice kid," he said. "So why don't you turn around and walk your sweet little butt (Pardon him again!) back to homeplate. And remember… you catch the ball with your glove, not your nose. Dork."
I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO ANGRY IN MY LIFE! (Not even after the spikes through the wrists thingy.) I just ran off the field, hopped on my bike and rode home as fast as possible. I don't like hating people, but you know what? I think I may hate Damien. In fact I think I might hate him so much that I want to GET HIM. Like, really get him!
That's where YOU come in.
I need a really tricky trick that will get me my second base back. But I'm not so good at trickery, so can you help me trick Damien into giving me second base back? It's got to be super clever, because he's good at spotting tricks. Please write your trick ideas in the comments section below. I know I don't ask you for help very much, and it feels weird. But Damien is a feelings hurter and he hurt my feelings. Please help me hurt Damien back.

19 comments:

The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Jesus,
I read this story once about how if someone hurts your feelers you should turn the other cheek or some such thing. No hurting back. Love your Dad with all your heart and love Damien like yourself.
On those lines anyway...

the queen said...

Jesus, dude, this is so easy. You just need to ask Trudy for help. Trudy needs to flirt a LOT with Damien, so much that he LIKES her likes her (not just "likes" her). And THEN when he really likes Trudy, have Trudy say she likes YOU better than she likes Damien. He won't be able to stand the sight of you and will quit the team, and you can get second base back. Ta Da!

(I proofread this twice because you are Jesus. I think it's right.)

you guys r silly said...

Hi Jesus!
Why don't you like being the catcher? It's a really important position. I would think you'd have to be a better player to be catcher, than to be a second-baseman...??? (You need to wear a face mask though so your nose doesn't get hurt again, ok?)
You have connections, Jesus. You should ask aliens to come down & abduct Damien while he's standing there all high and mighty on 2nd base... They could do experiments on Damien & anal probing ( Pardon my French ) and I bet THAT would teach him to not be a hater to you!

Missy A said...

His name is Damien right?
I would be looking at his head .. you know under his hair for those 3 numbers .. the **shudder** evil numbers

Jon said...

Wow, Jesus. You never struck me as the "get even" type. But, if you must get even, why not do it with the plague or a swarm of locusts? You know, that whole "wrath of God" thing. Oh, wait, is it just your Dad who can do that?

The Holmes said...

Didn't you drive a bunch of people out of a temple one time because you were mad at them for doing bad things in your dad's house? Maybe you could do the same kind of thing here and drive Damien off of the baseball field for good. Just try not to get crucified again, k?

Cammy said...

I think the best way to get him off second base would be to let loose some sort of scarey animal. you politely ask a bull to chase him off the base!

Another suggestion involves telling a very private tidbit of information about Damien, that he may have told you, and letting everyone know!

Or you could make flyers with his picture that say "one mean creep" on it!! I like that one a lot.

minniemama68 said...

OK Jesus. This is soooo out of character for you. But maybe I can help. You know your dad, God, well he can bring his wrath upon Damien. I mean, remember Noah, and Sadom and Gamorrah (pardon my spelling). Does this Damien know who your Dad is??? I mean, I wouldn't mess with you for fear your Dad would damn me to eternal hell one day (pardon my French). Hey, he could do that to Damien too.

None Given said...

Turn the other cheek? I've heard of an alternate interpretation.

From wiki: Those interpreting this passage figuratively have cited historical and other factors in support. They note that at the time of Jesus, striking someone deemed to be of a lower class with the back of the hand was used to assert authority and dominance. If the persecuted person "turned the other cheek," the discipliner was faced with a dilemma. The left hand was used for unclean purposes, so a back-hand strike on the opposite cheek would not be performed. The other alternative would be a slap with the open hand as a challenge or to punch the person, but this was seen as a statement of equality.

So, turning the other cheek may mean to NOT take any crap (PMF).

Jesus, You deserve to be 2nd baseman, and don't settle for less!

Rebecca said...

Jesus, I'm sorry your feelings are hurt, but I don't know if hurting him back is going to make you feel any better. Why don't you just tell the coach what happened? Maybe he'll give you second base again.

((((hugs)))!

Choirboy said...

Hi dee ho, Jesus. Well, you know paybacks are hell (pardon my French - PMF). Also, revenge is best served cold and "cause and effect" is really real. So I suggest, you just stand by and watch the crap (PMF) fall where it may on ole Dammie-poo Then I would snigger, laugh and then walk away. But actually I think what THE QUEEN said would really work best.

Norrin2 said...

Don't do anything to try to get revenge. That would be a faux pas (pardon my French). Damien will get what's coming to him. It's called Karma -- or in the Christian Church "What goes around comes around."

Lynnae said...

hi jesus,

i think second base is the best position to play also. i would be just as mad as you... but i think it's important to be a team player. i'm sure you're the best second baseman, but i bet you're also the best catcher. that might make you indispensible in that position!

is there anyone else on the team who can catch better than you? or even as well as you? or even CLOSE? if so, then maybe you can talk to the coach, but if not, you might want to think about how cool that actually makes you!

but... if you want to just get even, you should slip some grease or vegetable oil into his glove and he wont be able to catch anything! and if it touches his glove, the ball will get greasy and will slip when he tries to throw it... that'll make the coach see you need to be there for sure.

anyway, good luck. i'd really like to come to one of your games sometime jesus.

thanks,
lynnae

Sammie said...

Jesus, I have mixed feelings about this situation. On one hand, I tend to agree with recovering straight girl in that your Father has always told us to turn the other cheek.
However, knowing what a conniving son-of-a-whore (pardon my French) Damien is, I want you to get even with him. You could say you could Ro-chambeaux him for 2d base. That is you tell him you will kick him in the sac and then he can kick you in the sac; the last one to stand up will get second base. (what Damien probably doesn't know is that after your kick he WON'T BE STANDING!)
I'm just saying.....

Sammie said...

Jesus, I have mixed feelings about this situation. On one hand, I tend to agree with recovering straight girl in that your Father has always told us to turn the other cheek.
However, knowing what a conniving son-of-a-whore (pardon my French) Damien is, I want you to get even with him. You could say you could Ro-chambeaux him for 2d base. That is you tell him you will kick him in the sac and then he can kick you in the sac; the last one to stand up will get second base. (what Damien probably doesn't know is that after your kick he WON'T BE STANDING!)
I'm just saying.....

Cee in SF said...

My suggestion is not to stoop to Damien's level. You must prepare an unemotional and convincing argument that proves that you are better as the 2nd base guy than Damien. Present facts (stats, if you keep any like games won vs. lost with you on 2nd vs. Damien) and tell the Coach you want your position back. Trickery ain't the way to go. I know this is dry, but it will make it hard for Damien or anyone else to usurp you.

you guys r silly said...

Hi again Jesus!
wow.
I'm kind of feeling humbled by everyone else's suggestions. I've been thinking about your problem all day, and I'm starting to think that maybe the other commenters are correct. Forget the aliens. Maybe you should
" Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You. "
?
I read that in a book somewhere.
Maybe you should re-think the whole " getting Damien " thing.
? ? ?

Jesus H. Christ said...

LET'S GET DAMIEN!

1) I don't know what you're talking about.
2) That's a REALLY good idea...
3) Catcher is the worst position ever.
4) I don't know what you're talking about.
5) Yup, that's dad. Sigh.
6) See? Everytime I throw a tantrum I get crucified!
7) Good idea! I could steal a bear from the zoo…
8) I can't even get my dad to read my blog.
9) I don't know what you're talking about.
10) Damien has my coach bamboozled. He has a weird power over people for some reason…
11) I do think the Queen is on to something. That's why she's the queen!
12) Mmmmmmmm… no. I don't think I like that idea. I like you, though!
13) Catching stinks (pardon my French), but I like any trick that involves vegetable oil.
14) That idea sounds like it might hurt.
15) It still sounds like it might hurt.
16) True, the stats don't lie. Unfortunately, our team doesn't keep stats. So trickery it is!
17) I am doing unto Damien that which he did unto me. What's the problem?

tarquinn said...

Damien is a jerk, huh?


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