Monday, May 21, 2007

Lightning can be dangerous.

Hello, how are ya? I'm feeling on the verge of thrilled, because a famous person knows me. One of my favorite columnists in the world, Dan Savage, who writes a sexual advice column wrote ME an email today alerting me to a news story about a Jesus statue who got his arm blown off by lightning.
More on that in a minute.
But first: How cool is that? Dan Savage wrote ME! I know they occasionally run my blog in their Seattle newspaper (where he lives and works), but I kinda thought he might hate my guts. Why? Two reasons: 1) He's a gay. 2) He's a Catholic gay. Gay people sometimes hate me, because they think I hate the gays. I really like the gays. One of my good friends Derek is one of the gays (and a cop). He's not Catholic, though. Catholics sometimes don't like me either. Especially ex-Catholics. I get blamed for a lot of dumb junk that happened to them when they were in Catholic school, like all that useless memorization, the crazy rules, mean nuns, and the non-consensual buggery. (Oh… pardon my French.) Anyway, I'm really psyched that Dan Savage doesn't hate me, because I'm a big fan of his column even though it's sexual.
So to Dan Savage I say, "Holla!" (Maybe he could give me some advice about Trudy [she's a bank teller who recently stuck her finger in my mouth, which made feel weird down there… pardon my French]?)
Now, about that Jesus statue getting his arm blown off. Apparently there's a big 33-foot statue of me in Golden, Colorado, which was struck by a lightning bolt on Sunday. It knocked off one of my arms, a hand, and damaged one of my feet, "sending marble plummeting to the ground." One of the nuns there said, "There were pilgrims up there on the hill. The biggest miracle is no one got hit with the falling debris."
First of all: PILGRIMS ARE FUNNY! Ever see those funny hats they wear? Hilarious! I'm glad they didn't get hurt, but boy! I sure would've liked to have seen all those pilgrims running everywhere!
Secondly, neither I or my dad had anything to do with this. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: WE DON'T CONTROL THE WEATHER. If I did, believe me, I wouldn't even own a pair of galoshes. We also don't control if people get hit—or don't get hit—by debris. If any of those pilgrims had gotten hit by a big 11 foot version of my arm, I'm sorry to say it would've been their own dumb fault for hanging around a 33 foot me in a thunderstorm… while wearing funny hats.
Anyway! Thanks Dan Savage, for the tip! Be sure to read his funny and smart column here. Warning: it's kind of sexual sometimes!
Oh, and I ate at Red Robin this weekend. It was gross. They gave me a balloon, though. Nice.


Anonymous said...

Yay! First of all, I'm delighted that Dan Savage doesn't hate you. (But, I mean, really, who could hate someone who hung out with prostitutes back in the day?)
Secondly... I'm kind of delighted that I get to comment you first!
I love you Jesus (but not in the way Trudy does... more in the way that I think your blogs are hilarious... and if I met you in person, I'm sure we would be confidantes.)

Levlan said...

I've been trying to tell people that you, God and the other guy do NOT control the weather. That's the weather man's job.

minniemama68 said...

Red Robin is yummy. Love their burger that comes with a fried egg on top.

Just read Dan Savage's column. I'm blushing. Glad to hear you two are friends.

I'm Catholic and don't hate you at all.

Have a nice day.

Monathan said...

Hi Jesus! Me and a friend made a tribute video to you and put it up on youtube, and we want you and all your friends to see it! Hope you like it!

J2 said...

Hey, Jesus! Thanks for writing about the lightning strike on that statue of you. Of course, I'm sure it looks nothing like you--unless you posed for it. Anyway, I read your friend Dan's column. It's very straightforward and educational. It's good when someone like him takes the time to answer the questions. I like him, too.

Maybe you can write an e-mail to Dan to ask about Trudy and the finger bit. He might have some good advice.

Props to Karen! Cheers!

Jon said...

I have never eaten at Red Robin, and, sadly, I am now on a diet and will just have to take your word for it, Jesus.

BTW, did you know that there's a huge statue of you on top of some mountain in Brazil? How do you feel about that depiction? I think I would freak out just a little bit if I lived there, and saw a huge you when I look out my window. Not that I would mind seeing you, of course, but you'd have to admit to it being just a little bit creepy.

Oh, and levlan, say 'hello' to the "other guy" for me, will ya? He owes me some money.

you guys r silly said...

Hi Jesus!
I've never eaten at a Red Robin because there aren't any in Pennsylvania. I like IHOP though. Do you like IHOP?
If you come visit me, we'll go to IHOP --- MY treat.
Do you think you'd ever come visit me?
Have a great day!

you guys r silly said...

hey crunchymama ---
I asked Jesus to go to IHOP with me. Do you want to come with us??? (I told Jesus it was MY treat for HIM, but I'd need you to pay for yourself, if that's ok with you...)

The Agony Antagonist said...

Well, Red Robin is no Quizno's, certainly. Hey, you know where's a really good place to look for restaurants and such, when you're hungry but you don't know where to go? The Portland Monthly, that's where. They have all these lists of things to do and places to eat? It's really fantastic. Like, maybe they'll print a list on the 40 top places to get a hotdog on a stick or 18 hot spots for lambs to gambol.

Anyway, good score on the balloon, though.

Anonymous said...


It's said...

Hey Jesus! I'm glad Dan emailed you! I was curious as to what your thoughts on this story would be. Why do you think that pilgrims look funny? I think buckles are a nice accessory!

ChillyMama said...

Dear Jesus,

I am feeling very close to heavenly right now! Reading your column and seeing Dan's name, and reading Dan's column and seeing your name - well, it's just very blissful for me.

The best part is that I live very near where your statue is, so I get to see it all come together in this moment of complete and utter happiness. I did not get to see the Pilgrims though. That would have been fun. They dress funny!

Thanks! Oh, maybe you should ask Dan about Trudy's finger. He has good advice, even if it is (shhhh) sexual. Hi to Karen!

Jesus H. Christ said...

You write comments; I respond with comments. That's how it works.

1) Yay! You're #1! You're #1!
2) And even they stink at it!
3) Another Catholic for Christ.
4) That's a funny video. And much better than Passion of the Christ.
5) Why would someone depict me as 30 feet tall, when I'm barely six feet? They're not paying attention!
6) I have seen that one in Brazil, at least in pictures. If I ever actually go there, they are going to be really disappointed.
7) I love IHOP! Mostly so I can say, "Give me the Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n' Fruity!"
8) Don't fight, you guys! I'll pay. That way I can say "Rooty Tooty Fresh 'n' Fruity" three times!
9) Thanks for the suggestion! I checked out the Portland Monthly, and was especially interested in their "Top 50 Best Top 50 lists ever printed in the Portland Monthly's Best of Top 50 Things" issue. Informative!
11) Pilgrims are funny for the following reasons: 1) They wear funny hats. 2) They wear funny buckles. 3) They talk funny. 4) They burn witches.
12) Watch out for falling pilgrims! LOL! ROTF! UMREWLPONBCYUJH!

Cee in SF said...

I know I'm late to the game but Red Robin serves Hawaiian Punch and that's all right in my book.

sjlawright said...

Oh Jesus, I found you from Dan Savage, and I've got to say, you lead quite the exciting life. But what was wrong with Red Robin may I ask?