Wednesday, May 2, 2007

I don't control the weather. OKAY??

Hey, I hope you're good, I'm ANNOYED. So get this: I like Chick-O-Sticks, so everyday I ride my bike down to the 7-11 to get one. Today when I was looking through the candy section for a Chick-O-Stick that wasn't broken, a big hail storm starts up outside. Suits me, gives me an excuse to read Details magazine for free. So I'm standing by the door, eating Chick-o-Stick and reading, when this guy I don't know walks up and says to me, "You're Jesus, right?" (I get recognized a lot for some reason.) And I'm like, "Yeah." And he's like, "That's great. How about stopping the hail so I can get to my car? Thanks."
Ummm… hello? I CAN'T CONTROL THE WEATHER. And even more importantly, I'm not this jerk's valet! (Pardon my French.) See, all those stupid stories in the Bible give people the impression that I'm some kind of long-haired David Blaine, walking around doing "street magic." (Actually, that one trick he does where the victim picks a card, and somehow it winds up in the middle of a chocolate cake really freaks me out!) I don't raise people from the dead, I don't turn loaves into fishes—I just ride my bike and eat Chick-O-Sticks! IS THAT OKAY WITH YOU??
Anyway, I was just about to tell the guy in the 7-11 off when the hail storm suddenly stopped all by itself. So the guy turns to me and says, "Now that's impressive. Thanks, Jesus! God bless!" Then he dashes off.
Well… what are you going to do? I just waved as he got into his car. It's hard when people expect a lot out of you—but it's even worse when you disappoint them. That's why I'm learning magic tricks! So the next time a lady says to me, "Can you cure my son's cancer?" I can say, "No, but I can guess the card that's hiding in his underpants!"


hula_hank said...

Dear Jesus,

I am also a fan of chick-o-stix. I am a big fan of bit-o-honey and occassionally necco wafers as well.

love, Hank

Kelly Q E said...

Dear Jesus,

You are so darn (pardon my french) cute. I love the way you talk about everything. I feel like you're the perfect man. I've been emailing everyone about what a sweetpea you are and how they should read your blog. I would tell them to read the Bible too but I like hearing the horse's mouth talk rather than the horse's many stablekeepers' mouths.


The Ichthyophile said...

Didn't you quiet the storm on the sea once when you were out with your apostles. You were taking a nap and they got scared and woke you.

I guess you hated having such a good nap interrupted so you said "Peace, Be Still." and the sea was calm again.

Lamb Cannon said...


Karen sure is sweet... is she old enough to date yet? (with a studly chaperon of course!)

Kato said...

Man, what's with people being all demanding and stuff with you? That's so not cool. Was there anything good in Details?

Jesus H. Christ said...

Hello those who comment! I'm thankful for your comments!

Hey Hula Hank: I love Bit-O-Honey, and Lik-M-Aid Fun Dip, too. (Even though they make me feel dirty.)

Hey Kelly q e: Umm... horses aren't cute. But ponies are cute! Can I be a pony?

Hey The Ichthyophile: Ugh. I hate that story. I'll tell you what really happened sometime.

Hey Lamb Cannon: Karen was planning on going out with a black sheep once, but cancelled at the last minute. I'm afraid she may be racist.

Hey Kato: Yeah! So not cool! Details has a good article this month on "How to Wear a Khaki Suit." FINALLY! I was walking around looking like an idiot.

Kelly Q E said...


malka said...

Dear Jesus,

One of the chosen people here. If you don't do weather, what about natural disasters? I have a box from that is being delayed in Jacksonville, Florida and the tracking information states, "A NATURAL DISASTER CAUSED THIS DELAY."

If this is not something you handle, can you talk to the old man and see about letting my package go? Part the red flames of our regularly scheduled summer fires or something?

Oh and why don't chick-o-stix taste of chicken?