Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Hi everyone. How are you feeling? Well, Jerry Falwell's feeling dead. Frankly I wouldn't have even known, except that at least 30 people came up to me today to say, "Didja hear? Jerry Falwell's DEAD." Then they all gave me this look as if I was supposed to have some big freakout—and were surprised when I didn't. Why should I have a freakout? I didn't even know the guy! This must be the way black people feel when white people assume they all know each other. That's racist, man. RACIST!
But to tell the truth, I did meet Jerry Falwell at a party last year. But I didn't know it was him, okay? And while I'm sorry he's dead and all, I was not super impressed. First of all, he was really sweaty. And he kept following me around all night, butting into my conversations… laughing too loud at my jokes, and quoting random bible verses that didn't have anything to do with what we were talking about. Hello? Annoying!
Anyway, after the party, a few of us went to Denny's for a Moon Over My Hammy. (So… good!) And I was all like, "Who was that annoying sweaty guy, anyway?" And my friend Derek (He's a gay. And a cop.) was all like, "Honey. That was Jerry Falwell!" And I was like, "He's a preacher, right?" And everybody started laughing! "HONEY," Derek said. "The minute you get home, Wiki 'Jerry Falwell.'"
It took a few minutes to explain what "wiki-ing" someone is all about, but when I did wiki him, frankly I was shocked. He really sounded like a d-word! (Pardon my French.) Not only did he say mean things about the gay people (like my friend Derek… he's a cop), he hurt black people's feelings, and spent more time dissing labor unions, public schools and the Teletubbies than talking about ME. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't talking about ME supposed to be his JOB?
Anyway, that's all I know about Jerry Falwell. From what I can wiki, he was a mean, self-centered person, and now he's dead. Now if anyone else asks about him, I'll just have this to say: "Too bad there's not a hell—otherwise, he'd be up poop creek. (Pardon my French.)"