Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Jerry's dead.

Hi everyone. How are you feeling? Well, Jerry Falwell's feeling dead. Frankly I wouldn't have even known, except that at least 30 people came up to me today to say, "Didja hear? Jerry Falwell's DEAD." Then they all gave me this look as if I was supposed to have some big freakout—and were surprised when I didn't. Why should I have a freakout? I didn't even know the guy! This must be the way black people feel when white people assume they all know each other. That's racist, man. RACIST!
But to tell the truth, I did meet Jerry Falwell at a party last year. But I didn't know it was him, okay? And while I'm sorry he's dead and all, I was not super impressed. First of all, he was really sweaty. And he kept following me around all night, butting into my conversations… laughing too loud at my jokes, and quoting random bible verses that didn't have anything to do with what we were talking about. Hello? Annoying!
Anyway, after the party, a few of us went to Denny's for a Moon Over My Hammy. (So… good!) And I was all like, "Who was that annoying sweaty guy, anyway?" And my friend Derek (He's a gay. And a cop.) was all like, "Honey. That was Jerry Falwell!" And I was like, "He's a preacher, right?" And everybody started laughing! "HONEY," Derek said. "The minute you get home, Wiki 'Jerry Falwell.'"
It took a few minutes to explain what "wiki-ing" someone is all about, but when I did wiki him, frankly I was shocked. He really sounded like a d-word! (Pardon my French.) Not only did he say mean things about the gay people (like my friend Derek… he's a cop), he hurt black people's feelings, and spent more time dissing labor unions, public schools and the Teletubbies than talking about ME. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't talking about ME supposed to be his JOB?
Anyway, that's all I know about Jerry Falwell. From what I can wiki, he was a mean, self-centered person, and now he's dead. Now if anyone else asks about him, I'll just have this to say: "Too bad there's not a hell—otherwise, he'd be up poop creek. (Pardon my French.)"


Jon said...

It's not right to feel anything but sad about anyone's death. But, at least there's one less bigot in the world now.

Michael said...

Oh I don't know that we should get into a religious discussion in front of Jesus here: that seems in bad taste somehow.

But surely it is a glorious thing to go up to see Jesus's dad. And it actually sounds like Mr Falwell and Jesus's dad have quite a lot in common in their opinions and stuff.

purpletwinkie said...

Oh. My. You.

I love Moon Over My Hammy!

Now I need one. Thanks a lot, Jesus.

LeLo in NoPo said...

Hi Jesus,
Does your friend Derek, the cop,look like Ponch from CHiPs? I like Ponch.

BC Bennington said...

Oh, Jon, it's absolutely RIGHT to feel good about this death...and perhaps even the much anticipated end of Falwell compatriot Fred Phelps (well, he was my Dead Pool pick first). It's an absolute good, like a Krabby Pattie or Sandra Dee's poodle skirt or getting drunk with Dean Martin. Oh, it's a grand day, Jesus. Please thank your father for finally ridding us of that turd chewing, monkey-ass sniffing pest. It almost makes up for taking Vonnegut...almost.

The Recovering Straight Girl said...

I'm glad he's dead. Too bad about the no hell thing in this case.

Gillian said...

Amen, Jesus...Amen

Anonymous said...

So, Jesus, I told my friend Kasi that I didn't believe in Hell, and she told me that I couldn't be a Christian if I didn't believe in Hell...

does this mean that I'm not?

SweetLikeJesus said...

The Moral Majority - It's NEITHER!

And I feel the same way about Jerry Falwell. I personally think that his protests and strong negative opinions against gay people make him a textbook closet case, hiding behind his twisted religion. If there IS a hell, then I hope Mr. Falwell is in the front row getting it up the bum hole - and finally enjoying it (pardon my French). But the hell I speak of is probably the hell he lived here on earth in his twisted little world. Shouldn't it be wrong for a so-called preacher to judge others, to keep others from being happy, and to falsly blame others for ridiculous acts?

Now, maybe he will sweat those 7 extra chins away - now that the heat is on!

P.S. Hello to Karen

Cammy said...

Now that he's dead, does this mean the teletubbies aren't gay anymore?

The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Bite your tongue cammy. The teletubbies will ALWAYS be gay!!!

Jon said...

cammy and the recovering straight girl, you both just made me spew my breakfast over the keyboard. Thanks a lot.

J2 said...

Thanks for weighing in on JF. Can't say I'm too sorry to see that one go. My friend from my dad's nursing home, Mrs. Collin, will be happy to meet him in person, finally. She really liked him. Someone for everyone. Chaqu'un a son gout! (Pardon my French!...and maybe my French spelling.)


Ja'AmLo said...

I wonder how Santorum feels about this....

PS Jesus did you ever meet Mr Santorum at a party?

cola boy said...

Buh-Bye, Jerry! Now Tinky-Winky can live in peace.

Choirboy said...

Hi Jesus. Well if there was a hell wouldn't Jerry be picking up his gift bag right about now -- as he is registering? Wonder what a gift bag in hell would have in it?

Cammy said...

Your welcome Jon! Are you one the apostles?

Aaron Kinney said...


It's not right to feel anything but sad about anyone's death.

This is an unsupported assertion. Furthermore, its a negative statement, which means its pretty much impossible to prove.

Many people around the world are celebrating this guys death, and they are right to do so :P

Anonymous said...

I guess I have to send my children to regents now, dang!

melinda said...

I know how you feel, Jesus. It would be nice to have a few certain people die and since (thanks to you!) we're all eternal and stuff, I don't think it's too big a deal if they do kick the bucket.

Karen is way cute, too!

P.S. What's the deal with the Price of Darkness? Are you related..you know, since you're the Price of Peace and all?

Jesus H. Christ said...

Howdy commenters!

Hey Jon: Okay!

Hey Michael: Yeah… kinda.

Hey Purpletwinkie: You're welcome!

Hey Lelo in Nopo: He looks more like Jon. Not the commenter Jon, the CHiPs Jon.

Hey BC Bennington: I don't think my dad had too much to do with it. He's too interested in his boats to care about other stuff.

Hey The Recovering Straight Girl: Yeah, isn't it weird about the hell thing? Not sure how that all got started.

Hey Gillian: Outtasight, Gillian, Outtasight!

Hey Blairthebarbie: You'd have to ask a Christian that question.

Hey Sweetlikejesus: Holla to you, too! (But I ain't no holla back girl.) GET IT?! That's a SONG!

Hey Cammie: They can still be gay if they want to.

Hey The Recovering Straight Girl: Okay, okay! You win! They're gay. Sheesh.

Hey Jon: I have a wipe.

Hey R2: Is Mrs. Collins dead too? If not, that could be awkward.

Hey Ja'amio: No, but I once met Charro! Coochie-coochie!

Hey Cola boy: Yeah, maybe Tinky-Winky can move to New York City. That place he lives now looks BORING.

Hey Choir Boy: A hell gift bag would definitely have vegetables in it. Like beets!

Hey Cammy: Thanks and... oh. You're talking to Jon. Sorry to interrupt.

Hey Aaron Kinney: Wait… what?

Hey Donviti: They're young. They'll get over it.

Hey Melinda: The prince of darkness thing is a REALLY good story. Stay tuned and I'll tell you about it sometime. It's sexy!

sweetlikejesus said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mitzh said...

Tinky-Winky is no gay...many gays keep saying that Tinky-Winky is a big no way, for a gay...

anyway, one less holier than thou person in this world is good. ;)

Triston said...

Thank god!