Thursday, May 24, 2007

Today I'm wearing a cape.

Hello. And you are fine, I trust? Excellent. Yesterday we talked about the intrinsic power of "the high five." Today, we talk about how life is better when you wear a cape. (By the way, I'm practicing to be a "motivational speaker." Remember when I said I needed to make a little extra money to buy Captain Janeway figurines from the Star Trek: Voyager show? This is how I intend to do it. I'm gonna dream up a bunch of different ways for people to feel better, then I'm going to travel around from Holiday Inn conference room to Holiday Inn conference room, charging people for my awesome ideas. I won't charge you, though, because I like you, and I don't believe in charging my friends to make them happy.)
Where was I? Oh, yes! Life is better when you wear a cape. Example: Today I said to myself, "I'm going to wear a cape." So I did. And not a big dumb go-t0-the-opera cape, but a cute red "Look at me, I'm Superman" cape. And since I had some extra fabric, I also made a tiny cape for Karen (that's my lamb). Then we went down to the mall, and and ran up and down the concourse with our capes flowing behind us! It felt great!
That is, until Jasper (he's the mall security guy) came along.
"Jesus," he said with more than a note of exasperation in his voice. "What are you doing?"
"Karen and I are FLYING!" I yelled. "See ya!!"
"Hold on there, Jesus," he said. "You can't fly in the mall."
"We aren't really flying, Jasper. You can see that, can't you?"
"Well, you also can't run around acting like a crazy person, either," he said.
"Umm… why not?"
"Because this is the MALL. Crazy isn't allowed here."
As we later learned, "crazy" also isn't allowed in the grocery store, car dealerships, and funeral homes. But you know what? That didn't stop Karen and myself. We went to the park jogging track and hid in the bushes. Then when someone would jog by, we'd sneak out… and then RUN PAST THEM REALLY FAST, YELLING, "WE CAN FLY!!!"
Turns out that kind of crazy isn't allowed either, and Karen and I got a warning ticket from the park patrol for "unnecessarily scaring people." (Is giving a lamb a warning ticket even legal?)
Regardless, we had a FANTASTIC FUN DAY. And I would like to congratulate "the cape" for making it happen. So… okay… I guess the moral is: Wear a cape today!
[Be sure to join me for my next motivational speech at the Ramada Inn near the airport. It only costs $100 and 37 cents.]


you guys r silly said...

Hi Jesus!
If you were a motivation speaker I'd listen to you. I'd listen to Karen too.
Maybe I didn't listen to you years ago. Or even just last year. But that was before you got a blog. Now I'll listen.
Maybe if your father got a blog more people would listen to him too. Maybe not.
Will there be refreshments at your motivation seminars?

Missy A said...

Now you know what would have been really cool
The cape thing at the Jehovas Witness assembly hall they would have all thought the world had ended .. you being Jesus in a cape and all
Now if only you had a white horse as well now that would have realy got them
pity Karen is a bit small to be mistaken for a horse

Sammie said...

Wow, Jesus Christ! You really do know how to have a good time! I admire your spunk! Since you are such a positive person, how about going to political conventions? (The Democratic type, not the Republican type, pardon my French)
You could put your talents to work to help us get some good leadership in this country.
You might even get elected to an important office, such as the Ministry of Information for the USA!!!!
Your dad loves you, and I thank him for you!

Anonymous said...

What kind of a person gets off writing JESUS a warning ticket? Oh my...

Gary said...

My 5-year old daughter lent me her cape. I wore it to work. My students were impressesd and really paid attention to me.

If only the preisdent of my college would were a cape, people might pay attention to him.

Thank you Jesus for your wonderful guidence.

mitzh said...

you're so COOL, Jesus!!! (^-^)b

yarmando said...

Hey, Jesus. I think crazy is allowed in the public library. But running isn't. Or lambs, unless she's a special assistance lamb.

Cee in SF said...

I see people in SF all the time working the cape and loving it. Plus it's so windy that they have the cool "cape blowing in the wind" effect while standing still and striking the Superman pose. You'd love it!

LovesCheese said...

Dancing a jig is also a great way to make life better. I try to dance a jig as often as possible. It lightens my day. Maybe Karen would like dancing a jig too? I bet she'd like listening to Rad Town Awesome on a cassette while she dances a jig....

I'm just saying...

Georgina Ragazza said...

I used to run down the steps to our local Amex building wearing a really long coat that billowed out behind me. It was a lot of fun. You're absolutely right, you know, and I should do stuff like that more often!

I have a question for you that I've been meaning to ask for a while. I hope you don't mind - it might be a bit of a touchy subject.

You remember in the 60s when john Lennon said The Beatles were bigger than you? Did that make you angry. I'd have been pretty pissed if that were me. (Pardon my French.)

saraj said...

I have been a big proponent of people wearing capes for many years. Also tiarras. I think you should get Karen her own little tiarra, but not one of the ones that lights up with battery power, because if she ate it she'd be very ill. And that would be horrid.
I think you'd make a fine motivational speaker, and if you are to offer refreshments I think you could do great things with food such as:
A pyramid of Twinkies
A Hotdog formation in the shape of the American Flag
A Quizno's "Tower of Power" sandwich sculpture.
None of these food ideas are tradmarked (yet!) so feel free to use them. Even though I know you already knew I was thinking about them, because, let's face it, You're Jesus and you're everywhere.
You da man! (Pardon my French)
Sara J.

SweetLikeJesus said...

Oh Jesus, you always make me laugh. I wish I could have seen you jumping out and scaring runners at the park... too funny!

Hi to Karen!

Junk Thief said...

Hi Jesus. A good entry, and I'm happy to have found you. Are you the same Jesus that was at the mall in Sunnyvale this Easter filling in for the Bunny when he needed a carrot break? Most folks were having their kids' pictures taken with you, but I brought my cat and Schnauzer. The Schnauzer broke out in a nasty rash that's just cleared up last week. Maybe it was a different Jesus. He didn't give us his card. If it was you, you might want to get some zinc hydrophalyximite at Walgreen's.

minniemama68 said...

Hey Jesus!!!
I'd come to your motivational speeches. Have you ever thought about e-bay??? I mean, they have all kind of stuff on e-bay, and you could get a great deal on your action figures. Cept don't kill your feedback by letting Karen bid on stuff you can't afford. I really like the cape. Brings out the color of your eyes.

Jesus, I have another question for you??? Does it bother you when people say your name "in vain'??? Just wondering.

Jesus H. Christ said...

I can fly!!

1) Blogs make all the difference. Cookies!
2) Yeah! That would really freak those Jehovah's Witness guys out. (Maybe they'd stop coming to my door.)
3) Politics are boring. I like you, though!
4) I know! The nerve!
5) Hear that authority figures? Wear a cape!
6) Not cool enough to understand text messaging lingo. How about this: 1 l1k u!!
7) Yeah! Libraries stink!
8) See everybody? San Francisco works the cape!
9) Jigs are wicked hot. (I bet I'm the first person on earth to ever put those words together.)
10) No way! I was in the audience screaming like a little girl! I love those adorable mop tops!
11) That's my dream… to climb a pyramid of Twinkies.
12) That's just it! I didn't mean to scare them. I was just trying to be funny, but I was kind of a jerk. Sorry, joggers.
13) Wrong Jesus. He sounds nice though.
14) I don't get that "name in vain" stuff. Thats like not saying "Pardon my French" in vain.

Tori said...

jesus, i wish i knew what mall and park you were flying at, cause i would have joined you. i'd have to make a cape, but i have a ton of fabric, so that shouldn't be a problem. if you're ever in s/e and want to go flying with a crazy nonna, let me know.