Monday, May 14, 2007

I need a job.

How are you today? Me? I need a job. Well, I don't need a job. But I would like some extra money to fix up my bicycle, and add to my collection of Star Trek:Voyager action figures. There's this one 12" Captain Janeway action figure (MIB) that I really want. But on eBay, it's like $100. Fudge that! (Pardon my French.) Anyway. I need temporary employment. And Quiznos is out, because I'm still mad about those counter guys hurting my feelings, and knowing me, I'd eat myself out of a job.
So here's my idea: I want to be… a whisperer!
From what I've read, "whispering" is the hottest new employment trend. You've got your "horse whisperers," your "dog whisperers," and even your "ghost whisperers." I mean, what's the big whoop about whispering? I can whisper the crap out of these guys. (Pardon my French.) The question is, what kind of whisperer shall I be? I'm really good at picking songs for other people to sing in karaoke, so maybe I could be a "karaoke whisperer." I'm also marginally talented at suggesting delicious, non-crowded breakfast spots (AKA "breakfast whispering"). I could definitely be a "lamb whisperer." For example, just today Karen (that's my pet lamb) was really acting out. She wanted to go to the park, but I needed to drop some books off at the library. She pitched a huge hissy fit. So I told Karen, "If you'll go to the library with me, I'll buy you a jumbo Slurpee from the 7-11." I didn't whisper it though. That's where I messed up, I think, because Karen ran into my bedroom and defecated on my slippers. (Is "defecation" a French word? Pardon me if it is.)
Or maybe I could be a "co-worker whisperer." You could hire me to come into your office, and tell your co-worker something you're too scared to say. Such as "you're wearing too much perfume." (Except I would whisper it.) Or, "no one really cares about what happened last night on Dancing with the Stars. Could you be quiet, please?" (Except I would whisper it.)
You are welcome to suggest "whispering" jobs for me. Oooh! Maybe I could be a "blog whisperer" and write a bunch of critical suggestions in the blogger's comments section. How much do you think someone would pay me for that?

27 comments:

Jon said...

Jesus, you are so funny.

BTW, I think the "Co-Worker Whisperer" gig can be very lucrative for you.

Sammie said...

Jesus, I think you have the wrong idea about what a whisperer is. Normally, whisperers use their talent to "hear" what the whisperee is thinking and to more effectively communicate with them. In the case of Karen, your lamb, you could listen to her and find out why she defecated on your slippers,(Pardon my French!), and then sort of whisper to her why she should not do this! This would save you a lot of deniro, if you know what I mean!
Sammie

Gillian said...

Jesus,
I recently discovered your blog (my friend
"SweetLikeJesus" actually recommended it to me)and may I say that your insights and thoughts have definitely brightened my day. Please give Karen some ear-scratchin's from me and I agree with Jon, "Co-Worker Whispering" is the way to go. Oh, and I am sorry that you had two spikes put through your wrists...but I do appreciate it.

None Given said...

Dear Jesus,

First of all, I think it's a shame that you need a job.

Are you still carpentering at all?
Maybe you could whisper to carpenters and construction workers, and whisper things like, "Measure twice, cut once," or something.

Or you could do what you do best and just go around whispering to everyone that you love them. Or is that an urban legend?

This blog is the best! I think you're awesome.

Brad said...

Jesus,
I agree with my friend Gillian... "Co-Worker Whispering" sounds like the perfect job for you. I am sure many people would appreciate it as well. I just started a new temp job, and let me tell you, the people here could use a good whispering. And what is this new fashion where women think they can dress up for work in a beautiful skirt and nice top and then wear flip-flops. Excuse me, but the last time I checked, flip-flops were not acceptable office attire. And they are freakin' LOUD (pardon my French).

SLJ
P.S. Do you know where I could get a pet lamb? I am looking for a pet, and Karen seems so sweet (aside from the defacating thing), I thought I might look for a rescue lamb.

SweetLikeJesus said...

Jesus,
I agree with my friend Gillian... "Co-Worker Whispering" sounds like the perfect job for you. I am sure many people would appreciate it as well. I just started a new temp job, and let me tell you, the people here could use a good whispering. And what is this new fashion where women think they can dress up for work in a beautiful skirt and nice top and then wear flip-flops. Excuse me, but the last time I checked, flip-flops were not acceptable office attire. And they are freakin' LOUD (pardon my French).

SLJ
P.S. Do you know where I could get a pet lamb? I am looking for a pet, and Karen seems so sweet (aside from the defacating thing), I thought I might look for a rescue lamb.

J2 said...

Hey, Jesus! I think you're on to something with that Co-worker Whispering idea. Would you consider Apartment-Neighbor Whispering? I think you'd get a good rate from the downstairs neighbors! Or you could actually show up whenever my mom shouts your name when she drops stuff or runs her shin into the coffee table. That would be a hoot and a half worth paying for! I have suggested she put clean sheets on the guest bed if she's going to keep calling on you every time she's annoyed about something--in case you actually arrive!

Whatever you decide to do, working rocks. Unemployment does not rock. Go for it, Jesus! Cheers!

Juliet Lima said...

Hallo Jesus,
I've been a proud reader of you blog since it just about started and something that has struck my curiosity from just about the beggining, is what does the H in your name stand for? Love to know!
Peace out, Jesus Christ
Maria.

dlm said...

Hank.
Pay attention.
Word.

Anonymous Dog Owner said...

I think you would be a great cancer whisperer. You could whisper to people who have it but don't know about it...they could get it taken care of before it's too late. Maybe you can just whisper to me! I can hire you and pay for your stuff. You can stay with me, I have an extra bedroom....Does Karen get along with dogs?

jeff said...

it was my loose understanding that yo u already have a job whispering foreign policy commands into the ears of president bush. maybe you could just ask mr. bush for raise?

Becky said...

If I may,

Jeff - I believe that its Jesus' father that whispers foreign policy to George Dubya. But maybe that's what you meant by "loose understanding". I get confused with my dad all the time. People are like "hey look it's mr. coachman!" and then I turn around and they're like "no, wait a second, that's his daughter. God! I thought I knew that butt anywhere."

Point is, it's an easy mistake, so maybe I shouldn't have corrected you in the first place.

Um Jesus - Jerry Falwell was a great man.





Jooooost Keeeeding!





DOn't send me hate mail.

Jesus H. Christ said...

I commend you, commenters! (That's a play on words.)

Hey Jon: Yay! I love agreement.

Hey Sammie: Then why don't they call her the "ghost hearer-er"?

Hey Gillian: Thanks for joining the fun. But why would you "appreciate" me getting spikes through my wrists? Are you a goth?

Hey None Given: Yeah, I don't love everybody. Especially when people are being pee-holes. (Pardon my French!) I like you though.

Hey Brad: Next thing you know they'll let Hooters girls wear flip-flops. What's this world coming to? Ooh! I want a rescue lamb, too! One that can put out FIRES!

Hey Sweetlikejesus: You and Brad should get together. You have a lot in common.

Hey J2: Here I am! Unemployment rocks me like a hurricane!

Hey Juliet Lima: Hank. Officially Henry. I like Hank.

Hey Dim: Why are you asking me to pay attention? Is something about to fall on me? Thanks for the heads up!

Hey Anonymous Dog Owner: Thank you! But the last time I was a kept boy (for a very rich lady) it didn't work out so hot. Thanks, though!

Hey Jeff: Wrong Jesus!

Hey Becky: Actually, I don't think my dad cares about Mr. Bush either way. I think Mr. Bush uses my dad as an excuse sometimes. As my favorite comedian Yakov Smirnoff likes to say, "What a country, huh?"

Kato said...

Maybe you could be a whisper whisperer where you whisper to people what other people are whispering about. I've always assumed you have excellent hearing, I don't know why.

jeff said...

Becky, i'm a unitarian

killedasouthernbelle said...

Hi Jesus,

you are funny!
Say, My sister is waiting for you ( or your dad) to whisper to her what her next step in life should be.. you could be a "life whisperer" or im not sure how to phrase that..

damnIneedAjob said...

Dear Jesus,

Perhaps you'll find inspiration from my website damnIneedAjob.com but of course you already know about it. I'll have to see if I have a loin cloth that I can print you resume on.

Thank you Jesus,

Larry

duece under-dog said...

if your looking for a banking job apply at www.sovereignbank.com
under referal put jillian frisby and send her a resume with your info to dueceunderdogent@hotmail.com
in subject line put sovereign

merry said...

Jesus, you are so funny.

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Floridasourcer said...

Hi,

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Good Luck!

catsmother said...

Love this blog .Discovered it at Easter .Whispering is better through a rolled up scroll by the way.I think it is an art form.

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alcatraz820 said...

Yeah I’ve got one. You need to know the people that are already doing it, and second you need to know which ones are working and not working. Times have changed and the younger generations are not what they used to be like. I'm part of a Private Members-Only Club devoted to helping people. An Opportunity that does not come around every generation and is even rarer is this one. The Global Information Network. It's a group of likeminded people that have one goal, to share knowledge and truth about Financial Freedom, Wealth, Dynamic Health and Emotional Well-Being. I would be more than happy to extend my sponsorship to you and anyone that truly wants that. By the way you're going to hear the name Kevin Trudeau mentioned a lot because he's the one who Founded it.

ryanlassler@yahoo.com

alcatraz820 said...

Yeah I’ve got one. You need to know the people that are already doing it, and second you need to know which ones are working and not working. Times have changed and the younger generations are not what they used to be like. I'm part of a Private Members-Only Club devoted to helping people. An Opportunity that does not come around every generation and is even rarer is this one. The Global Information Network. It's a group of likeminded people that have one goal, to share knowledge and truth about Financial Freedom, Wealth, Dynamic Health and Emotional Well-Being. I would be more than happy to extend my sponsorship to you and anyone that truly wants that. By the way you're going to hear the name Kevin Trudeau mentioned a lot because he's the one who Founded it.

ryanlassler@yahoo.com