Wednesday, May 9, 2007

Damien plays on my softball team.

Hey, everybody! "How YOU doin'?" I saw Joey on Friends say that once. My friend Trudy (she's a bank teller) who works at the bank says, "that is the dumbest pickup line EVER." But since she really likes Friends, I think the real reason she doesn't like that line is because my other friend Damien says it a lot. Have I told you about Damien? He plays on my softball team. Did I tell you I play on a softball team? Well, I do. I play for First Federal Savings and Loan—that's Trudy's bank. We've never won a game, but we have fun. Anyway I play second base… well, I used to play second base, until Damien told the coach I'd make a great shortstop. However, when I didn't make a great shortstop, the coach demoted me to catcher, and Damien took second base.
Trudy tried to make me think that Damien planned the whole thing out in advance because he really wanted to play second base. But I call that "phony-baloney." (Pardon my French.) Damien knows I had two spikes hammered through my wrists, and therefore would never do anything that conniving.
One day I asked Trudy, "Why do you dislike Damien so much?" And she was all like, "Three reasons: 1) Every morning at the bank (he works in the collections department) he greets me with, "How YOU doin'?" 2) He always narcs on co-workers so he can move up the corporate ladder, and 3) he stole your bike."
And I was all, "Damien didn't steal my bike… he borrowed my bike."
"For seventeen months?"
"I didn't know there was a statute of limitations on borrowing bikes," I said.
Anyway, I did get kinda mad at Damien one time when he asked Trudy out on a date. Not that I care if she dates anybody. Because I don't. However, it was the way he asked her. After one of our softball games, Trudy was congratulating me for a particularly skillful play I made at the plate, and Damien walked up, and was all, "Actually, Jesus missed that tag, but I'm happy the umpire saw it differently. Hey Trudy. You got a sweet booty."
And Trudy was all, "Gross!"
And Damien was all, "Maybe, but you're going out on a pizza date with me." And Trudy was like all, "No way." And he was all, "Way!" Then he added, "It might not be now, but you WILL go on that pizza date with me, Trudy. Because Damien ALWAYS gets what he wants. Mind if I borrow your bicycle, Jesus?" And I was like, "Sure."
Trudy got real mad at me about that, but what was I supposed to do? He said he needed it to visit his uncle who had infantigo.
I'm not a gay person or anything, but if I were Trudy I may have said "yes" to the pizza date. The way he looks at you sometimes, his eyes make you want to say "yes."
Oops, gotta run. Damien just called and said he needs me to do him a favor and deliver a bag to the rough side of town. Apparently it's full of Snickers! Boy, whoever's getting that bag is lucky. I love Snickers!


hula_hank said...

Dear Jesus,

Snickers are good. So are Butterfingers. You know what else is good? Those little peanut butter candies that come in orange and black wrappers and you can only get them around Halloween.

Jesus, what was your best Halloween costume?

love, Hank

Ja'AmLo said...


I think you should take the box of Snickers to Trudy.

PS - Does damian resemble the giant orange that was peeling itself in your hallucinations?

PSS I have a hangnail and it hurts to type.

Cee in SF said...

Jesus - unless you *see* Snickers in the bag, I'd guess you're running something illegal. Don't become Damien's mule!!

you guys r silly said...

Hi Jesus!
I live next to the rough side of town. Last night on my way home from work, a bunch of little gradeschool bastards threw eggs at my car. (Pardon my french.)
Those prolly aren't Snickers in the bag. Watch your back.

jodi said...

I think it's awesome that you and Damien are friends and you're so generous with him. I think it's really going to pay off in the long run.

ChillyMama said...

Dear Jesus,

You might want to take a peek-a-loo into the bag before you tote it across town. The Snickers could melt in the heat. Are you walking? I think Damien should give you back your bike.

Trudy seems nice. Maybe you should listen to her more often.

It is a lovely day here today. I hope the weather is nice where you are too.

Have a wonderful day!

Jege (Jen) said...

Hi Jesus-

I was wondering if you had a job, or if you are living off of reparations from the whole "spikes hammered through your hands" thing.
Because you should TOTALLY get some cash for that.


Jege (Jen) said...

Also, have you ever taken a Pilates class? Or does that word kind of remind you of the whole Pontius Pilate thing? (sorry for bringing that up)

Jesus H. Christ said...

You guys are the comment-iest!

Hey Hula Hank: He-Man from Masters of the Universe. "BY THE POWER OF GREYSKULL!!"

Hey Ja'amio: 1) She says she's watching her weight. 2) No, he kind of looks like Joey Buttafuco with prettier eyes. 3) I'm sorry.

Hey Cee in SF: Look, I don't do EVERYTHING Damien tells me. Yesterday, he asked me to swallow a balloon, and I said no. I don't like to play mule, but I wouldn't mind playing My Pretty Pony.

Hey You Guys R Silly: That wasn't me! I don't even know what your car looks like!

Hey Jodi: Will you please tell that to Trudy?

Hey Chillymama: I dunno. I think Trudy is wrong about this one. Have an outtasight day!

Hey Jege (Jen): You are so absolutely right, I can't stand it! (What are "reparations"?)

Hey Jege (Jen): Yeah, that's why I "jazzercise"!