Thursday, May 10, 2007

Lazarus didn't die.


Hey, yall. What's up? I'm confused today because one of my nice commenters (Lelo in Nopo) asked me to do a "meme." I had no idea what she was talking about, and then when she told me what she was talking about, I wondered why they found it necessary to call it a "meme." It's just answering a question and posing it to five other people. Where I come from (Ethiopia) that's called a "chain letter." That's why I'm going to do it. Because everyone knows if you don't forward a chain letter, someone close to you dies in a very horrible manner. So… thanks, Lelo!
Okay. The question is "Why Do I Blog?" Hmmm… it's kind of a long story. Okay, so the bible, right? It tells this story about me in the book of John, about an old buddy of mine named Lazarus. As the story goes, he had two sisters named Mary and Martha, and they all lived in the town of Bethany, a two-day walk from where I was staying at the time. Allegedly, one day Mary comes running up and says Lazarus is deathly ill, and could I come heal him. I say yes, but for reasons only known to John (who wrote the story) I sit on my patoot (Pardon my French) for two days until I leave. By the time I get there, Lazarus is not only dead, he's been buried in his tomb for four days. Everybody freaks out, but I say, "I'll handle it." I get the locals to roll away the rock in front of the tomb, and tell Lazarus to come out. He does, everyone celebrates, and because I'm so awesome, I get two spikes hammered through my wrists. THE END.
I hate this story. It's stupid on a number of levels, but if you really care, here's what really happened. Lazarus was an old fishing buddy of mine, and what we call an "obliteration drunk." I mean, he could really get blotto. One day he had one snoot-full too many, and passes out in the middle of the marketplace (kind of like an old-timey 7-11). His sister Mary asks me to help her pick him up since I owned a donkey and cart at the time. Unfortunately, I was in the middle of getting my hair cut, and said I'd drop by in 20 minutes. By the time I got there, Pilate's soldiers had gotten there first and threw him in the drunk tank. It costs 30 pieces of silver to bail him out (which I was forced to borrow from my friend Judas), and when Lazarus stepped into the street, he's still completely stinko, and starts screaming, "Lishen, everbody! Jeshus here shaved me, I wash a dead man, shee? But Jeshus raished me from the dead!" Then he vomited on my sandals.
A few desperate people believed Lazarus, one thing led to another, and the next thing I know, I'm hanging from a cross with two spikes through my wrists. So… thanks, Lazarus. And thanks, John. THE END.
And that… is why I blog. Because that's the last time I let John write anything about me.
THE END.

21 comments:

Bob Dylan said...

great blog, man.

The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Wow, Bob Dylan comments here. Cool.
Loved your answers JC, and no I wasn't asking you out, I play for the "other" team.

sweetlikejesus said...

Wow Jesus,

I just discovered your blog. I am loving your daily entries! I plan to read it everyday. I look forward to finding out WWJD!

-sweetlikejesus

Scott and Lynne said...

Hi Jesus, I've been a lurker here for a week or so. I just thought I would let you know where "meme" comes from. It's a term Richard Dawkins, in his book "The Selfish Gene", coined for the passing on of cultural information. He's the same guy who wrote "The God Delusion". You probably wouldn't like him much.
-Lynne
ps. your blog is very entertaining. thanks.

hula_hank said...

Dear Jesus,

I read on the internet that you and Lazarus were fishing buddies in the same way the the two guys from Brokeback Mountain were fishing buddies.

So in light of that information, Jesus, here is what I want to know: Didn't they also put spikes in your feet? I mean, you go on and on about the whole spikes in your wrists kerfuffle, but what about your feet? Didn't that hurt? Don't the big holes through your feet stop you from wearing flip-flops?

And what about the whole sword in the side thing? Didn't that hurt?

And I know that when I accidentally brush up against a rose bush and pricked by a thorn, I cry... So the crown of thorns you wore could not have felt like being caressed by the fur of a small kitten.

I understand that "I did take spikes through my wrists" does make a grand catchphrase.. like "Whaccha talkin' bout, Willis?" or "I pity the fool" but just think about it, "I took a sword in my gut for you" does have a nice way about it.

I'm just saying.

love, Hank

kimba said...

I love a good reminisce.Can you shed any light on the water into wine gig? Apart from your tortures the wine thing is my strongest memory from 4th grade scripture classes. I have since strayed from the fold (sorry) but as a reult of those stories I have always had a strong respect for a good party trick.
- kim

Lamb Cannon said...

Jesus, i don't want to come off as desperate, but you haven't written a word about Karen all week! It's not like she just disappears or collapses like a marionette with cut strings 'cuz you're not blogging about her!

i think about her soft, cuddly white fur all the time! What's up for you and Karen this weekend? Hope you're gettin her out of the apartment and into some of that springtime sunshine!

Etcha said...

Hey Jesus,
My girlfriend and I were wondering; you eat at Quiznos an awful lot – where do you get the money to pay for this? Does Dad give you an ‘earthly’ allowance?
Wanna hear a couple of Jesus jokes? Thought you might……….
What happened when Jesus went to mount Olive? Answer: Popeye beat the crap out of him. (Pardon my French)
Jesus walks into a motel one night, hands the innkeeper a couple of nails and asks: “Can you put me up for the night”? ( I know how you’re ‘big’ on the spikes thru the wrists thing and thought maybe you can use this to lighten up a little.)
Take care, and if you get bored you can look at my Etch A Sketch work at: http://www.flickr.com/photos/etcha/

Kato said...

Wow, what's with John changing the story like that? Did he have like a sweet publishing deal where he'd get a percentage of royalties on the Bible or something?

Narcess said...

I am curious now. Did any of the other apostles have any vices you would like to disclose? Also Damien is the satan’s son and is using you. He is a prick and you are far too nice.

Ja'AmLo said...

If Judas was a drunk, then what was Sodom? Was he snorting pine nuts back then?

Becky said...

Today I cleaned the shower. It wasn't very hard, because it seemed to be clean already. It didn't take very long at all. And then I decided, might as well clean the rest of the bathroom. So I did. That didn't take long either. Good thing too, because then I have more time to waste time.

Oh, woops, sorry - this is a blog about you are your daily activities. I apologize. I do that sometimes. I forget what is appropriate and what is not.

Remember in Passion of the Christ when you rose to heaven and then the world cracked apart? That was kind of cheesy. Did that really happen? And were the Rabbis really like "Oh no, what did we do?" I don't really think they said that.

Tori said...

jesus, i'm sorry you had to learn the hard way about the rumor mill and especially about drunken friends.

(as i mentioned earlier, the spiderman tent bed is quite small, but you can sleep over anyway.)

Gretty said...

Many thanks to the most famous, most delusional person in history. It's good to get your side of it. I, personally, would have worked equally hard to create a working persona if I were illigitimate in a really, really small town. Hey, just cause you don't know 'who's your daddy' doesn't mean you can't make some cool shit up.
Keep on writin, Jeez.
Seriously.
I pray for your black, shrivled soul.

you guys r silly said...

Hi Jesus!
I heard a story once about Mary Magdelene washing your feet.
Was that because Lazarus had spewed on them?
Or does she just get off on feet washing in general.
Just wondering.

you guys r silly said...

And hey --- I almost forgot, Jesus:
This sunday is Mother's Day.
DON'T FORGET to get your Mom a pretty card & some flowers or something real nice --- or else there'll be hell to pay. (Pardon my french.)
Don't be cheap about it either. Mary went through a whole world of grief bearing & raising you. Do I have to remind you about how people were talkin' smack about her, what with her being an unwed mother & all --- or how about the times when you weren't on your best behaviour --- like the time you just up & went to the Temple to hang out, without even asking her permission first or letting her know where you'd be?
Do Right by your mom this sunday, man.

None Given said...

I wonder if that guy named Pilate is the same one that invented the exercise routine that all of the modern day celebrities practice.

Tim said...

Hey Jesus,

I've always thought you were a pretty cool cat. You're always doing nice things for other people and telling people to be nice to one another. Yet a lot of your followers are huge jerks. (Pardon my French.) What's up with that?

-T

Jesus H. Christ said...

Hey Bob Dylan: Bob Dylan? Man... that's awesome.

Hey The Recovering Straight Girl: Oh, you play for Bank of America? We're playing you in two weeks. See ya there!

Hey Sweetlikejesus: WWJD? Good question. I'd eat a corndog.

Hey Scott and Lynne: I watched Richard Dawkins for years on Family Feud.

Hey Hula Hank: Ugh! I forgot about the sword part. It's hard to concentrate when you have two spikes through your wrists.

Hey Kimba: I'll totally tell the "water into wine" story sometime soon. It's a knee slapper!

Hey Lamb Cannon: My therapist tells me I obsess too much about Karen, so I'm trying to watch that stuff. She is ADORABLE, though, isn't she?

Hey Etcha: 1) I have a trust fund. 2) Thats funny! 3) Mmmmm… not so funny. I like you, though!

Hey Kato: I don't know. John's kind of a jerk.

Hey Narcess: Matthew liked dirty pictures of girls. I don't think Damien is the son of Satan. And yet? He still hasn't returned my bike!

Hey Ja'amio: I don't know what you're talking about, but you're nice!

Hey Becky: Yuck, I hated that movie. Once again, Mel Gibson didn't even ask me what actually happened. But then he didn't ask me for advice on Lethal Weapon either.

Hey Tori: YAY! SPIDER-MAN TENT!

Hey Gretty: Thanks! (I think.)

Hey You guys r silly: No, the foot washing thing happened first, and… jeez! Those bible guys are worse than the tabloids!

Hey You guys r silly: Good reminder! Hug your mom tight, everybody!

Hey None Given: You could be right. If Jane Fonda could do it, so could he.

Hey Tim: Yeah! What you said! It's like they forget I'm even here. That's why I don't like Christians, they are "feelings hurters"!

LeLo in NoPo said...

Way to go Jesus on the meme! Woot! Woot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!1!

P.S. Shout out to Karen!

killedasouthernbelle said...

"blotto"
rad.