Friday, May 4, 2007

The Quiznos guys don't like me.

Hey, how are you? Sorry I didn't post anything yesterday. I slept over at my grandma's house.
Anyway, I received some distressing news today: The guys over at Quiznos don't like me. As you know, I eat at Quiznos ("Mmmm… Toasty!") somewhere around 27 times per week. However, today when I went there for lunch, there was a problem. Every day
I like to order the Honey Bourbon Chicken sandwich because it's slimming. And these people know that. And yet? They kept asking me dumb questions and mumbling. They would be all like, "Mumeemawmamaymimah?" And I was all like, "What?" And then they'd yell at me, "I SAID, 'DO YOU WANT MAYONNAISE WITH THAT?!"
Of course, I don't want mayonnaise with that, you dumb-butts! (Pardon my French.) The Honey Bourbon Chicken doesn't come with mayonnaise! I didn't say that, but I thought it.
Then they were all like, "Muhmoomimamoasyuhmonmoasy?" And I'm like, "What?" Then they yelled at me again! "I SAID, 'DO YOU WANT THAT TOASTED OR NOT TOASTED?"
It's freaking Quiznos! (Pardon my French.) Of course I want it toasted! Again, didn't say it. Thought it. So I said, "Toasted, but would you mind speaking up a bit?" And they were all like, "Oh. Sorry. Would you like a half? Or a-whole?"
For some reason they were snickering about that.
"I would like a-whole," I said. And then they busted out laughing.
I really don't get those guys at Quiznos. I don't know why they don't like me. They must be athiests.


Lamb Cannon said...

Jesus, i know just how you feel. Whenever i go to Quizno's, the guys behind the counter are always like, i'll thank them for my order and they always say, like "no problem."

Now you were raised by decent folks and so was i! i'd never be a problem to anybody! so i'm just like, you know, hurt that they would say that every time.

hey remember those ads they used to have for Quizno's, with these weird blobby characters dancing around to some music like i couldn't get out of my head but now i can't remember anymore. Then they switched to some photo-shopped little baby saying "mmmm toasty" and really dumb stuff like that. i don't like babies either by the way and wish Quizno's would go back to their old ads.

have a great weekend, Jesus, maybe take a break from the sandwich shop for a couple of days. they'll get over themselves.

Joseph said...

Hey Jesus,
Remember in Revelations 5:5 when you were all like, "behold, the Lion of the tribe of Judah, the Root of David, hath prevailed to open the book, and to loose the seven seals thereof." and turned loose hell and damnation?

That's what I think you should do to those quiznos guys. I bet they wouldn't think razzing you was so funny if they were up to their necks in boiling blood.

Anyway, just an idea!

reasonably prudent poet said...

you have a grandmother?? like, from your earthly parents, or a heavenly grandmother? it's so complicated.

Katherine said...

Dear jesus, sometimes when I'm at Quiznos like going through the same jive, I pretend I'm really hard of hearing and I speak very loudly and's really funny when the sandwich jockeys start speaking really loud and slowly back at me...sometimes I like to order things that they don't have on the menu like hagis or jerk chicken and I'll say JERK real loud, until they really get miffed then I'll say "Fine I'll just have a vegetarian and toast it already!"

Tuesday said...

DOG! you're HILARIOUS!!!! I'm hella proppin your shit on my myspace

(pardon my french)

haha! badd asss


mel said...

Hey there Jesus! Do you remember those weird Quizno ads that had the guy nursing on a mother wolf? It was real weird. Ya know, I've only been to a Quizno once- and it was really tasty!
Another question: If people are always making bad drawings of you, how about getting a nice photographic portrait done?

See ya!

Michael said...


I am sorry to have to correct the Son of God on his spelling, but it is of course "atheists", not "athiests".

The root of that word, Theos, as you know, means God in Greek. You would have learned that word even in the Galilee back then, yes?

But then, it may just be a typo. You never learned to type when you were young, since the typewriter would not be invented for another 1800 years or so.

And typos can totally be forgiven.

Oh, now that is pretty weird. I am forgiving the son of God. Pardon me.

Michael said...

Jesus: do you like fish?

Narcess said...

There has to be another Quiznos somewhere in your area. Just go to a different one. Or you could pull some old testament shit on them and run the plagues on their location. It’s just a thought. I mean before the new testament came out and got all mollified your old man was a vengeful prick. The new testament made him much more people friendly. I think you need to go old school on them. Little fire and brimstone will teach them a lesson. It’s that or you complain to the management.

Jesus H. Christ said...

Commenters are "outtasight!"

Dear Lamb Cannon: Thank you for your kindness. I'll find a nicer Quiznos!

Dear Joseph: Actually, that was my dad who said that. People get us confused sometimes.

Dear Reasonably Prudent Poet: Doesn't everybody have a grandmother?

Dear Katherine: Although that's very confusing, I'll try that, too!

Dear Tuesday: Word up. I'm feeling your righteousosity. Bro. Dude.

Dear Mel: That's a good idea. Maybe Karen and I can go to Sears photo studio.

Dear Michael: I misspell things all the time. It's because I don't care!

Dear Michael: Yes! Especially Long John Silver!

Dear Narcess: Both testaments are pretty hairy. I really wish someone would write a nice testament. Then if they made it into a movie, Jennifer Aniston could star!

SweetLikeJesus said...


I love that you eat at Quizno's. I also agree with the bad service you can sometimes get. I lived in NYC for 12 years, so I kind of got used to the "bad service" thing. Have you ever been to NYC?


killedasouthernbelle said...

I actually had to do the math on that one.
Thanks Jesus!

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

Hello. I find your blog very interesting. I see you are talking about fast food restaurants. I should say that they are great. Whenever you are on a run, you take a burger and a coke and there you are having a snack. Personally I love quiznos. I browsed for the clients’ feedbacks and they turned out to be very few.