Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Hey there, people who like to read! How are you? I'm feeling so great, I want to give you a… HIGH FIVE!
That was a test. When I said I wanted to give you a "high five," did it make you feel weird? Many of you are saying, "Yes." And if I were to ask you why, you would say, "Because high fives are not only old-timey, they are often indicaters of the kind of meathead behavior often attributed to frat boys and douchebags." (Pardon your French.)
"NOT SO," I SAY!
Handing out "high fives"—and especially "jumping high fives"—is one of the most enthusiastic life-affirming gestures you can do for someone. Giving someone a high five says, "I don't think you're doing a good job… I think you're doing a GREAT job!"
Take today for example. I was passing by a hemorroid clinic and decided to go inside. (I currently do not have hemorroids, I was just curious what a hemorroid clinic would be like.) But when I went inside? Holy cats, what a BUMMER. Everybody in there was super depressed—but I guess I can imagine why. So I said, "Who's in charge here?" And a doctor came out and said, "Me, Dr. Dunderserenson." (Or something like that.) "Well, Dr. Dunderserenson," I said. "HIGH FIVE!!"
Perhaps unsurprisingly, he left me hanging.
"Why do you want a high five, sir?" he asked dejectedly. "I don't want a high five," I said. "I'm giving a high five! Because anyone who works on people's hemorroids really deserves a… HIGH FIVE!"
"You know… you're right!" he said, and gave me a super-high jumping high five! And by the time I left, everybody was giving high fives. (Except that one guy who was getting a hemorroid snipped. He said he would catch me later.)
So what are you waiting for, America? There are a lot of people out there who are doing their best just to get through the day. Make the world a better place, and help them out with a… HIGH FIVE!
(Hint: You might want to bring some sanitizer along. Some people's hands are disgusting.)