Wednesday, May 23, 2007

High five!

Hey there, people who like to read! How are you? I'm feeling so great, I want to give you a… HIGH FIVE!
That was a test. When I said I wanted to give you a "high five," did it make you feel weird? Many of you are saying, "Yes." And if I were to ask you why, you would say, "Because high fives are not only old-timey, they are often indicaters of the kind of meathead behavior often attributed to frat boys and douchebags." (Pardon your French.)
Handing out "high fives"—and especially "jumping high fives"—is one of the most enthusiastic life-affirming gestures you can do for someone. Giving someone a high five says, "I don't think you're doing a good job… I think you're doing a GREAT job!"
Take today for example. I was passing by a hemorroid clinic and decided to go inside. (I currently do not have hemorroids, I was just curious what a hemorroid clinic would be like.) But when I went inside? Holy cats, what a BUMMER. Everybody in there was super depressed—but I guess I can imagine why. So I said, "Who's in charge here?" And a doctor came out and said, "Me, Dr. Dunderserenson." (Or something like that.) "Well, Dr. Dunderserenson," I said. "HIGH FIVE!!"
Perhaps unsurprisingly, he left me hanging.
"Why do you want a high five, sir?" he asked dejectedly. "I don't want a high five," I said. "I'm giving a high five! Because anyone who works on people's hemorroids really deserves a… HIGH FIVE!"
"You know… you're right!" he said, and gave me a super-high jumping high five! And by the time I left, everybody was giving high fives. (Except that one guy who was getting a hemorroid snipped. He said he would catch me later.)
So what are you waiting for, America? There are a lot of people out there who are doing their best just to get through the day. Make the world a better place, and help them out with a… HIGH FIVE!
(Hint: You might want to bring some sanitizer along. Some people's hands are disgusting.)


Jon said...

Good Lord, Jesus. Nobody high-fives anymore. Or, if they do, it's done in secret or in 7-11 back alleys. Besides, if you really wanted to be "with it," and, therefore, elicit more of a response to your strange desire for tactile connection, you may want to try the knuckle-to-knuckle fist bump instead, which has all but replaced the "high five" or even the good ol' handshake (among men, in particular). This will also decrease the need for hand sanitizer because it's just the other person's fist that you're touching. But, if you must continue to use the "high five," at least try not to sound so dated. Say, "Put it here." instead of "High five!" the next time. See if that works.

Your humble man-servant,

LeLo in NoPo said...

Hi Jesus!
I love a good high five. Up high! Down low! Too slow! Gotcha! Next time, try taking it up a knotch and throw in a crushing of a beer can on your forehead. That would be totally awesome.

sjlawright said...

Do you think High Fives should be incorporated into wedding ceremonies, perhaps between the father and the bride or the groom and the best man?

g said...

Great tip on the sanitizer, Jesus.

I think Lelo in Nopo has a good point in taking it up a notch sometimes.

How about saying "Outtasight!" after?! :D

Anonymous said...

I gave my mom a high-five today! Yay! Now, when they say in church "Be like Jesus" I can say "I GIVE HIGH FIVES, AND SO DOES JESUS!!!"

Anyways... Can Hemorroids get snipped? I never knew.

Anonymous said...

I only have four fingers, so, uhhh, i guess i'm stuck giving high fours.

Cammy said...

My boss always gives me high fives, but my high-five technique is so bad that I always miss his hand or do the unfashionable 2-five as me pinky and ring fingers slide by the outer part of his hand. I suck!? How can I improve my aim!? You should make an instructional video.

Kato said...

Thank your dad you're bringing back the High Five, Jesus. It's one of the most awesome expressions of congratulations known to man. You're doing the world a service!

Levlan said...


Lamb Cannon said...

anybody else here remember Seattle's Almost Live teevee show? They had a feature called High Fivin' White Dudes that kinda summed it all up.

Sorry Jesus, if you're not a coloured ball player (or Borat), ya just can't high-five anymore.

you guys r silly said...

Hi Jesus!
Wouldn't high-fivin' a leper make their hand fly right off?

Anonymous Dog Owner said...

Dear Jesus,
High-fives kinda creep me out. I don't know why but I think its the meathead / douchebag thing. The only time I think it's okay is if a miracle had happened. Sporting events don't games don't count....I mean 'true' miracles - things that you make happen behind the my dog (Chewy)singing or my other dog (Yoda) being cute...things like that I think definately deserve a high-five!

Bye for now Jesus,


Lynnae said...

i love high fives!!!

you can say it in webspeak too ya know: ^5!

^5 jesus!

Sammie said...

I used to like to give High Fives my cats. However, one day when my cat Zoe sat quietly on the couch while I was eating (instead of grovelling for my food) I gave her a high five. What I didn't know, however, was that she had just got through using the litter box and had gotten her paw into some you-know-what.(pardon my French) Well, I got that all over myself, and I was immediately nauseated and I vomited all over my new couch! Now I don't like to give high fives so much!
However, you do whatever floats your boat (pardon my French, again), Jesus!
You deserve a big Salute! (Remember, I don't give high fives anymore!)

Anonymous Dog Owner said...

Dear Jesus,

I saw you about a 1/2 hour ago in the lobby at my doctors office!!!! I hope your feeling okay. Sorry I didn't say anything but I could tell that you were trying to not bring attention to yourself...otherwise I would have given you a high-5! Next time you don't want to be noticed maybe you should leave Karen at home.

Amen, Jesus


Jesus H. Christ said...


3) Mmmm… sure. HIGH FIVE!
4) HIGH FIVE! Ouuuuuta-sight!
5) Hemorroids get snipped all the time. HIGH FIVE!
7) I suggest painting a hand on your wall, and high-fiving it for two hours every day. HIGH FIVE!
8) You're right. HIGH FIVE myself!
9) Heh. HIGH FIVE!
10) HIGH… wait. What about "coloured ball players?"
11) Lepers are funny that way. HIGH FIVE!
12) Two HIGH PAWS!(For the dogs.)
13) Wait… I can't find the upward arrow thingy… can I do a < 5?
14) SAAAAAAA-LUTE! Did you ever watch that show Hee-Haw? That was their way of saying, HIGH FIVE!
15) Hope your hemorroids are okay. HIGH FIVE!