Thursday, May 17, 2007

Panda Lamb!

Hello, how are you? I'M SCARED! I was surfing the internet today when I saw the above picture on Britain's Daily Mail website. It's a panda lamb! Or a lamb panda. Frankly, I don't know what it is, but one thing's for certain—it's an aberration of nature. How do I know this? Because when I showed this picture to Karen (she's my lamb… my normal lamb), she let out this really piercing, guttural scream and ran underneath the bed, where she's been hiding all afternoon.
See? This is what happens when
science starts dinking around. (Pardon my French.) One minute you see a calm, peaceful glen teeming with sweet gamboling lambs, and the next? Big fat panda lambs sitting on their bottoms stuffing their sickening faces with bamboo! Okay, maybe that doesn't sound as scary as I would've liked. But here's the thing! If they start genetically engineering lambs to look like pandas, THEN WHAT'S NEXT?
They (and when I say "they" I mean the military scientific governmental genetical engineering industrial complex) are obviously starting with the "cute" cross-overs to woo the pre-teen demographic: Panda lambs, bunny kittens, and
baby polar bear ducklings. Then, when the public has been mentally sedated, they'll move on to their REAL objective: Rhino Lions, Monkey Fed Ex Delivery Persons, and eventually? A race of super-powered soldiers that are a combo platter of angry weiner dogs, pedophiles, Charlton Heston, and rocket-powered ostriches. (Not only do these ostriches fly, they'll kick your head in!)
Write your congressperson! Mail a scathing letter to your local daily newspaper! Create an online petition! Do whatever it takes to stop these maniacs before they genetically alter us all into oblivion! Today it's Panda Lambs. Tomorrow? Hyper intelligent
Koala Pugs. (Sure, it's cute—until they're carrying rifles and hunting you for food!)


Lynnae said...

Hi Jesus,

Me again.

While I agree that cross-breeding animals is generally scary, I think Panda-Lamb would make a fantastic costume for Karen next halloween.

Just a thought :)
- Lynnae

Choirboy said...

It's the doggone (pardon my French) Chinese, Jesus. They just cannot leave genetics alone, huh? Kisses to Karen and give her a stick of cherry gum for me. I hope she's feeling better.

Anonymous Dog Owner said...

I hate to say this Jesus, but you kind of sound a little racist. I mean, isn't this kinda like the black/white race mixing debate that has been going on like..forever? I think white lambs, black lambs and combo black/white lambs are an okay thing.....kinda cute!

You know....once Karen tries black.......! (excuse my French!)

The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Really Jesus, you don't want Karen to have to dismiss a large percentage of possible mates? What if she happens to fall in love with a Panda, or a Dog, or an Alpaca? Would the world really stop spinning?

purpletwinkie said...

Hi Jesus,

I don't think the Panda Lamb is scary. Now if it was a GIANT PANDA LAMB, that would be a different story.

Scott in Las Vegas

crunchymama said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
crunchymama said...

Jesus, first off I wanted to say, Love your Blog!! Second, Moon over my hammy ROCKS, and so does fruit stripe gum (didn't know you could get that anymore!!). But I also wanted to send you this vidoe I found, since it had to do with sheep......

Anonymous said...

Jesus... this blog kind of scares me...

I mean, when I was little, I used to put my turtle and my rabbit in a room together to see if I would have "turbits", but nothing ever happened. Good thing too! Because if something did, I wouldn't be commenting your blog right now, because turbit's would have used machine guns to make the internet illegal.

hula_hank said...

Dear Jesus,

Do you know where I can get a kitten bunny?

love, Hank

mitzh said...

Hello Jesus!

It does look strange but still cute ^_^

anyway, I agree if we keep thinking 'aww that's sooo cute' we might have a scary future ahead of us.

minniemama68 said...

Could you say hi to your dad for me???
Anywhoooo, I don't think it is a science experiment. I think that my niece (who is attending beauty school) got ahold of this lamb and gave it a bad dye job.

But that's just me.

And while you are at it, I'd love a panda cute.

Have a great day!!!

Matt said...

hey jesus!

first of all, love the blog. second, don't worry! it looks like the panda lamb is just a special type lamb! it's not genetically altered! it's actually called a shetland yuglet breed! google it!

ps tell karen hi from me!

Anonymous said...

If it's a panda and a lamb, would that make it a lambda?

Puns are funny to me.

Jesus, why do you hate me?

sue said...

jesus -
great blog. keep up the good work. i'll be back.

Ja'AmLo said...

you see? My Gyro/Pita Lamb carrier doesn't sound like such a bad idea now does it?

If you ever run into one of those terrorist Pambdas you can put Karen in the carrier and just run.

Kato said...

I think a Rocket Powered Ostrich would be pretty awesome. But I'd probably be scared to ride it.

When you mentioned your lamb, Karen, getting upset, for some reason I heard in my head the voice of Uni the Unicorn from the old Dungeons and Dragons cartoon. Does Karen sound like that? (I know she's not a Unicorn).

Cammy said...

Hi Jesus! I agree with th genetic tampering. What next indeed!? I think that genetic tampering could lead to a zombie apocolypse. What is your take on the zombie apocolypse? I talk about it a lot and want to be prepared. What would you do?

Rebecca said...


You must be so relieved that the panda lamb is not a result of genetic engineering!

Anyway, I have a lamb-related question for you. When I go to church, I don't like the part where the priestly guy holds up the little cracker and says, "This is the body of Christ." When they do that, it makes eating the cracker a symbolic act of cannibalism (pardon my French). And I am vegan. So.

I was wondering if you could ask the priesties to change their act. Instead of giving out crackers, I would like it if they gave us pictures of Karen. Maybe in trading card form, so that the more often we go to church, the better our chances of having a complete set.

And then, instead of saying "This is the body of Christ," they could say, "This is the buddy of Christ."

Do you think that's a good idea, Jesus?

Also I still want to be your friend on Myspace. Or at least Facebook. I sure wish you had an account.

OK, GTG, bye!

digitalcowgirl said...

Oh, thank your dad that I found this blog. I'd just about given up searching for cool stuff to read in blogland.

None Given said...

Hi Jesus,

I have nothing to say on this subject, except that I think REBECCA is a GENIUS!!!

I would totally go back to a wafer-centered church if they switched to trading cards.

With love,
None Given

LeLo in NoPo said...

Wow Jesus, you're getting so popular!!!!!! I have a maltipoo, which is a cross between a maltese and a poodle. (Get it? Malti-Poo. It sounds better than Poo-ease). I hope she doesn't go beserker on me and break out with an assault rifle or something. I think she'd like Karen. Does Karen have playfriends? If so, what are their names?

Jesus H. Christ said...

Jesus Christ's Blog: Where your comments are always welcome!
Let's do this thing!

1) Wow. That's a great idea, but Karen would never go for it. She's still under the bed!
2) That makes sense. The Chinese want more pandas and they'll do anything to get them!
3) Mixed race lambs are okay, but freaks of nature? NO THANKS.
4) If Karen falls in love with a panda, thats one thing. But this is love in a test tube, and it freaks me out!
5) That's next! 30 foot tall panda lambs!
6) AUGGHH! Satan sheep!
7) Turbits are an abomination of nature, too. Run fast and hard!
8) I think they have kitten bunnies at Scamps in the mall. I'll check.
9) Finally! Someone who agrees with me!
10) "A bad dye job?" There's only one way to be sure. Check to see if the curtains match the drapes. (Pardon my French.)
11) A Shetland Yuglet? That's exactly what the government wants you to think. You're a patsy, but I still like you.
12) Who told you I hate you? Was it the panda lamb? The panda lamb LIES!
13) Thanks. Thanks. And that sounds cryptic.
14) I bet these pambdas are genetically altered to run faster than the speed of sound.
15) Mmmm no. When Karen gets scared she sounds more like a gremlin from that movie "Gremlins." The nice gremlin. (That's why I never let her get wet.)
16) There are three things you need for a zombie apocalypse. 1. Lots of water. 2. A powerful shotgun with plenty of ammo. 3. Keys to all the stores when you have to lock yourself in the mall.
17) That is the greatest idea I've ever heard. But I will miss the cracker. I get hungry during church!
18) Yeah, blogland is a lot like Des Moines, Iowa. There's like five cool people there.
19) She is a genius! And with the trading card, they could give away a stick of Fruit Stripe gum!
20) Karen has bunches of friends, but her current favorite is Franciso Enrique Guevara the town mule. She loves his accent.

reasonably prudent poet said...

oh jesus, if you think the panda lamb is scary, you just wait till you see this movie about sheep that have been genetically altered into bloodthirsty monsters. i was blogsurfing a few weeks ago and ran across a youtube clip of the trailer. i think the movie is from new zealand (they make movies there? who knew?) and it looks hilariously terrifying, with sheep attacking people and turning into monsters and whatnot. wow. maybe don't show it to karen, though. it might be too much for her delicate sensibilities.

Anonymous said...

you spelled pig wrong. you said pug.