Hello, how are you? I'M SCARED! I was surfing the internet today when I saw the above picture on Britain's Daily Mail website. It's a panda lamb! Or a lamb panda. Frankly, I don't know what it is, but one thing's for certain—it's an aberration of nature. How do I know this? Because when I showed this picture to Karen (she's my lamb… my normal lamb), she let out this really piercing, guttural scream and ran underneath the bed, where she's been hiding all afternoon.
See? This is what happens when science starts dinking around. (Pardon my French.) One minute you see a calm, peaceful glen teeming with sweet gamboling lambs, and the next? Big fat panda lambs sitting on their bottoms stuffing their sickening faces with bamboo! Okay, maybe that doesn't sound as scary as I would've liked. But here's the thing! If they start genetically engineering lambs to look like pandas, THEN WHAT'S NEXT?
They (and when I say "they" I mean the military scientific governmental genetical engineering industrial complex) are obviously starting with the "cute" cross-overs to woo the pre-teen demographic: Panda lambs, bunny kittens, and baby polar bear ducklings. Then, when the public has been mentally sedated, they'll move on to their REAL objective: Rhino Lions, Monkey Fed Ex Delivery Persons, and eventually? A race of super-powered soldiers that are a combo platter of angry weiner dogs, pedophiles, Charlton Heston, and rocket-powered ostriches. (Not only do these ostriches fly, they'll kick your head in!)
Write your congressperson! Mail a scathing letter to your local daily newspaper! Create an online petition! Do whatever it takes to stop these maniacs before they genetically alter us all into oblivion! Today it's Panda Lambs. Tomorrow? Hyper intelligent Koala Pugs. (Sure, it's cute—until they're carrying rifles and hunting you for food!)