Friday, May 25, 2007

What I am doing this weekend.

Hello, how are you? I'm wicked busy. I've got a huge Memorial day weekend planned, and that means a lot of preparation! I'm glad Monday's a holiday or I'd be in trouble. Actually, since I don't work, it doesn't really matter if Monday's a holiday or not. Anyway, I can still be busy though, right? RIGHT! Here's what I'm doing this weekend:
1) Karen (that's my lamb) stinks. So I'm taking her to the salon for a wash/cut and a mani/pedi.
2) Read a Captain America comic.
3) Work on my non-fiction novel wherein I debunk a bunch of bible stories.
4) Skateboard!
5) Take Grandma Christ to her bingo game. BOOOOORING!
6) Learn all the words to that song, "I like the cars—the cars that go BOOM!"
Spend an entire day speaking like Fat Albert.
8) Remove all the energy-efficient light bulbs from my house. They suck. (Pardon my French.)
9) Stage a fight between my rubber dinosaur and my Jar Jar Binks figurine.
10) You know those joke cans of peanuts where snakes pop out? I want to make a joke can of snakes where peanuts pop out.
11) Eat three boxes of Popeye's chicken.
12) Challenging Trudy to an Indian leg wrestling match, and then defending myself against the name's inherent racism.
13) Rent Patrick Swayze's Roadhouse, and laugh, and laugh, and laugh!
14) Rock out to the Spice Girls.
Chase a car while barking like a dog. Have you ever done this? It's wicked fun!
16) Stilt walking!
17) Call everyone on the Mo-Mu page of the phone book, and tell them I like them.
18) Look at my collection of postcards that depict monkeys eating meatballs.
19) Floss.
20) Remember that every day can be really fun — especially those that start at the mall.
Have a great weekend, everybody!


Sammie said...

I can't top your wonderful list of things to do. If you're in my neighborhood stop over and introduce Karen (your lamb) to my cats and let them cavort on the lawn---(they can even gambol if they want!). Maybe I could help you work on your book...I love to debunk bible stories.
Well, have a great weekend, and come over if you HAVE TIME! You know where I live (you're Jesus Christ, remember?)
You rock!

Catfish said...

I got a massage today for the first time (go me) and it was ackward because I felt like I had to make conversation, you know, so I mentioned to the gal that was touching me that you had a blog and she should check it out.
She said: He's Jesus?
I said: yep
the She said: like the dude from the bible?
And I said: yeah, but he's cool, you know, he can't stop the rain from falling or people from getting hit by cars, you know, unless he is like, right there and can pull them out of the way, and he has a lamb named Karen.
I don't think she got it and her finger accidentally slid into the top of my butt crack (pardon my french).
I told her about the high 5's... and the cape... I don't think she wants me to come back.
I'm just sayin...
I heard you were Buddhist... is that for real?

mike said...

I didn't trust you before but you seem like such a nice guy that I'm thinking that maybe I was wrong. This weekend I'm going to try and do a few of your suggestions, but I also like to stand on a busy corner and tell passerbys how nice they look.

None Given said...

Jesus, I need your guidance. I went to Popeye's for the FIRST TIME EVER last Saturday, and I thought their food was VERY TASTY indeed.
What's the best thing on the Popeye's menu, in your holy opinion?

Anonymous said...

Sheesh. You are one busy person, Jesus!!! I hope that you get all of those things done!

Anonymous said...


you guys r silly said...

Hi Jesus!
I can tell you right now that your rubber dinosaur's gonna lay down an entire X-Large can o' esplodin' *whup-ass* (pardon my French) on your lame-ass (pardon my French again) Jar Jar Binks figurine! How OBVIOUS is THAT?
Do you have a Wolverine figure??? Use THAT against the dinosaur instead.
'Nuff said!

you guys r silly said...

You should watch "Dirty Dancing" after you watch "Roadhouse" Jesus.
( "NOBODY puts Baby in the corner!" )
Patrick Swayze rocks!
Have a good weekend Jesus!

princeO'darkness said...

I gotta tell you: the more I look, the more I see nothing but similarities between You and Me. I LOVE L'TRIMM! They're fourteen year old British sluts from the '80's, or something!

Also, I too am celebrating the Dead on the Fields of Battle Day! But probably I'm just gonna go to Saint Cupcake! (Thank you Portland Monthly!)
I think it's neat that we both live in Portland, and we'll probably run into each other, and stage Armageddon (LOL! Jus' Kiddin'!!!).


princeO'darkness said...


Jon said...

I'm trying to get a tan.

minniemama68 said...

Hey JHC,
We are going to open up our pool, wanna come and walk on water for us???? If not, swimming would be cool too. Hope you have fun at the mall. Maybe you could put a good word in for a Gap kids at our mall. Your dad knows we need one here.

J2 said...

Hey, Jesus! Sorry I haven't commented for several days. No excuses. I not rock for that. (Pardon my French.) Anyway, it's Saturday evening as I write, so I hope your weekend is going well. If you're renting Patrick Swayze movies, maybe you'd enjoy my favorite, "To Wong Foo...Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar." It's quite a long title, but I like the movie.

Thanks for mentioning the Portland Monthly. I live in Portland; I found your blog via The Portland Mercury, but I didn't think that necessarily meant you LIVE in Portland. However, your profile does mention living in Heaven, doesn't it? That's Portland, IMHO!

^5 to you and Karen! Cheers!

Trina said...

Jesus, former lurker here...if I may be so bold, it's actually "We like the cars, the cars that go boom, we're Tigra and Bunny and we like the boom." I see the prince of darkness knows the song well. My sister was into the "rap" in the '80s when she was a teenager and I was a 4-years-younger-wanna-be that she drove around all summer playing all her Salt 'N Peppa and L'Trimm tapes everywhere we went. I had the lyrics memorized back then. My drug-addled mind can't conjure them now, other than the chorus. I enjoy your blog, and I like you! My ex-girlfriend was Catholic and seemed to worship your Mom more than you, but she liked you a lot too. She talked about you a lot. She thought you wouldn't like her being a lesbian, but I told her you loved her for being true to herself. I think that helped. Bye!

Trina said...

Shoot! (Pardon my French.) I meant to give a quick shout-out to catfish. I am currently studying to be a massage therapist, and I read your blog, so I wanted him to know two things. One, he shouldn't feel obligated to talk during a massage, he should just focus on relaxing. And two, I live in Portland so maybe someday he can get a massage from me and we can both talk about how great your blog is. And I promise not to go anywhere near his butt crack (pardon my French again).

Levlan said...

I saw, "At Worlds End." You should too.

Choirboy said...

Wow, Jesus! "Roadhouse" huh? Man I love that movie. Jeff Healey, the blind guitar player, truly is righteous. I wonder if you would heal his blindness if you could.

hula_hank said...

Dear Jesus,

Have you ever seen "Night at the Museum" with Ben Stiller?

If so, can you please tell why all of the museum exhibits capture the three bad security guards who were trying to steal everything, but then they never show the bad guys being arrested or even repremanded or even mentioned again... however Ben Stiller still loses his job for trashing the museum in the chase? Surely if he would have told his boss about the three bad guys then he would not have been fired.

If you have not seen the movie, can you please see it and try to explain it to me?

love, Hank

mitzh said...

Hello, Jesus

# 20 made me smile.

Hope you had a great weekend. I agree with you guys r silly, watch Dirty Dancing it's one of my favorite movies as well..

Then learn the moves so you can teach Trudy as well..

Just a suggestion though. :)

Rebecca said...

Hi, Jesus!

Hey, where do you live? I noticed you used the word "wicked" as an adjective for something awesome, rather than in the biblical/puritan way, in which wickedness is a concern. And so I thought that maybe you live in Massachusetts. Or maybe that you used to. Because once the puritans disappeared from Massachusetts, I'm pretty sure "wicked" became regional slang for "something really, really awesome."

Ok, bye!

LeLo in NoPo said...

Dear Jesus,
Hi! How are you? I'm fine. I hope it's not too late but if Karen gets a mani/pedi,get her the french mani/pedi (pardon my french!!!!!1!!!) and have them paint a little white flower with a rhinestone in the middle. I think Karen would like it and it would give her a little bling bling when you take her out for walks/runs in her cape.
Okay, bye!

Cee in SF said...

Hey Jesus,

That list is jam packed full of fun! I mostly did a lot of resting, ate some Spaghettios, and watched marathon after marathon of Law and Order. Ah, good times...

Lynnae said...

hi jesus,

i was just wondering if you actually celebrate memorial day for why it was founded or if you just like the 3 day weekend in the sunshine?

the reason i ask is because it's considered rude to not appreciate and remember the dead, but in your case i think it would be silly to "remember" them since you get to hang out with them in heaven whenever you want... right?


Anonymous Dog Owner said...

Dear Jesus,

Do you take the weekends and the holidays off? If so, what do you do? I noticed that you're not around much on those days and we seem to need to talk to you sometimes - I know where you are on Sundays but Saturdays and holidays we are left hanging. Please tell us the back up plan.

Say 'Hi' to Karen for me,

you guys r silly said...

Hey Jesus,
Even if you DO take weekends and holidays off, it's TUESDAY and the holiday's over, but still no word from you.
It's not cool to leave us hanging like this. (no pun intended Jesus.)
I'm starting to be a little concerned ...
Give us a sign or something, would you please?

Lynnae said...

don't worry you guys, jesus is probably answering prayers. as it was a holiday weekend, there are a lot more idiots out there hurting themselves in drunken blunders and lots more people are praying for recoveries (or that their wives don't find out something or other)... its a very busy time for him. i'm sure he's fine :)

Jesus H. Christ said...

Thanks for all your insightful commentations. Let's roll!

1) Outtasight!
2) Massages are great, but some masseuses are freaked out by me. Is it masseuses or masseusi?
3) I do that too. But they get mad when I say, "Looooooking good!"
4) I go with the New Orleans Spicy meal and the Mardi Gras cheese cake. It looks gross, but so delish!
5) Done, done, and done!
6) Meow!
7) Wolverine can easily kill any dinosaur.
8) We should start a Patrick Swayze fan club.
9) These people died for your right to eat cupcakes, so enjoy.
10) Who said I was Buddhist?
11) Watch out for skin cancer. You may have to do some extra tanning to cover it up.
12) Yeah, I don't walk on water. I'll have to debunk that story sometime.
13) I just wrote heaven, cuz I hate it when solicitors come to my house!
14) Go, Lesbians!
15) Go, masseuses!
16) Is Patrick Swayze in that?
17) He's probably more marketable being blind.
18) Is Patrick Swayze in that?
19) Dirty dancing with Trudy? She might try to stick her finger in my mouth again.
20) I think "wicked" is awesome! My friend Ricky Porn Star is from Boston and he uses it all the time. (He's not really a porn star.)
21) You give good fashion advice.
22) Man, I love me some spaghettios! That French chef guy really knows what he's doing.
23) I think it's sad that people die, but if I were dead I know I would want people eating ice cream. So I do!
24) No back up plan! But I notice the guys at the video store like to talk. Give 'em a call!
25) Sorry, I was still learning that L'Trimm song.
26) Actually, I don't really answer prayers, but as I mentioned before, the guys at the video store are really nice!