Tuesday, May 8, 2007

I visited my Grandma.

Hello! I would ask how you're feeling, but I know you're feeling confused, so let's not waste each other's time. Last week I wrote about staying over at my Grandma's house, and everybody flipped out! I got a couple comments about it, and all my friends—even the gay ones—were curious as to how I could have a grandma. Well, first of all, everybody has a grandma, so why should I be any different? I'm not mad at you or anything, but it really hurts my feelings when people treat me like I'm one of the X-Men or something. Actually, that's not true. I would be psyched if people treated me like Wolverine and I had those blades that popped out of my knuckles. Scha-SCHWING!
Anyway, let's clear up all this confusion: I only have one Grandma left, and that's Grammy Christ. She's my dad's mom, and those two don't get along very well. She lives in assisted housing just outside of town, and since dad never comes by to visit her (or me, for that matter), I pop in now and then. Usually… I regret it. She's kind of a nag, and a real square when it comes to those of us in the "now" generation. Plus she can't hear and has shingles. And she's a racist.

For example, I was forced to stay over at her place the other night because she was afraid there was a black person in her closet. So I said, "Umm… Grammy, that's racist." And she said, "I'm not scared because he's black, I'm scared because he's going to kill me."
But even after I offered proof positive that there weren't any black people in her closet, she made me stay the night anyway. For dinner we had chipped beef on toast (which was from one of those frozen Boil 'n' Bags), even though I offered to go to Arbys. (Yes, I'm still mad at Quiznos.) Then she forced us to watch syndicated repeats of Everybody Loves Raymond, which is annoying, because I DON'T LOVE RAYMOND AT ALL. In fact, I think it's kind of ostentatious to name your show Everybody Loves Raymond when there's at least one person (me) who thinks he's kind of dumb. (No offense, maybe he's nice.)
Then when Grammy's not slipping into a nap, she's nagging me about my hair, my love life, and my taste in music. (Sometimes just to annoy her, I'll say, "I like Jay-Z, Grammy… the BLACK Jay-Z!") On the other hand, I know she just wants someone to talk to (especially 'cause dad can be such a jerk sometimes), so I always make sure we look through the old photo albums together, which always makes her happy. And even though she calls me by my brother's name half the time, she can still remember the name and birthdate of every person in our family! And she always gets happy/sad talking about grandpa, who I never met, but she was really in love with.
Maybe I'll get a girlfriend soon, and we'll get married, and have kids, so they can visit me when I move into assisted living. That would be nice.
Does everybody automatically get racist on their 83rd birthday?


LeLo in NoPo said...

You've been tagged for a meme! Meaning, you have to answer this question! And then tag 5 other bloggers to answer the question too! Go Jesus Go!
Good luck!

LeLo in NoPo said...

God dammit!
My link is too long!
(pardon my french jesus)
The question is, Why do you blog?
There. There it is.
Now go!
Good luck!

The Recovering Straight Girl said...

You shouldn't leave out 50% of the population JC, really, be open minded!

d. chedwick bryant said...

is your grandma's name Anne?

Narcess said...

Look J-man, all old people are feisty. If you had to dotter around the house all day and do nothing but watch crappy “Everybody Thinks Raymond Should Die” and “The Price Is Wrong” you would be a little snippy to. She is just lonely and it’s good of you to see her. Once again proving you have your heart in the right place. You may be misguided sometimes but you’re all good.

Recovering Straight Girl may be right have you thought about switching teams. There is nothing wrong with it, not sure how your dad will take it if you are. But that is a decision you make for yourself. Me I like the ladies, but you need to think for yourself and make your play. I don’t think your gay but who knows.

Tori said...

i think it is very sweet that you visit your grandma. i'm a grandma (though my grandson calls me 'nonna'), and i love it when my grandson visits. i got him a spiderman tent bed, and he sleeps in it when he visits. you should see if your grandma will get you one, too. they are really small, though. you probably won't fit in it, but i'll bet karen will.

hula_hank said...

Yes, they do, at exactly midnight on their 83rd birthday. I feel that racism is really a hatred of life and most people become life haters on their 32nd birthday. At 38 we become desperate and at 56 we get pets to replace non-existant loved ones.

Jesus H. Christ said...

Thanks everybody, for being so commenty!

Hey Lelo in Nopo: Oh. I thought you meant actual "tag." That "meme" thingy sounds kind of fun, too, I guess. Maybe tomorrow? I like you!

Hey Lelo in Nopo: Language!

Hey the Recovering Straight Girl: Are you asking me out?

Hey D. Chedwick Bryant: No, it's Miriam. I like "Annie" though. Especially the musical!

Hey Narcess: I haven't thought about switching teams. I've been playing on the First Federal Savings and Loan softball team for so long, I feel kind of obligated, you know?

Hey Tori: I want to sleep over! I want to sleep over!

Hey Hula Hank: And at 63, we suddenly like Jello.

Jege (Jen) said...

A few more milestones:

Age 4: Fear of lobsters

Age 15: Black belt in surliness achieved

Age 23: First difficulty with saying the words "judicial system" after drinking.

Age 59: Keeping neighborhood kids off of lawn surpasses sex in order of importance.

Age 74: Blue hair suddenly really cool again