Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Two's a Crowd!

Hi everybody. What's up?
Anyway, I had a kind of crazy night last night. My cousin Jacob and his wife Marie are having a baby, so they dropped off their pet lamb Sybil (that's her on the right) yesterday, saying "Can you watch Sybil for a couple days, thanks, bye!" And I was like, "Wait..."-- but it was too late, they were already driving off. People with babies can be SO selfish. Oh, sure, like I had nothing better to do than to watch your dumbo lamb. There goes my evening of playing Guitar Hero II.
Another annoying thing about lamb-owners? (And I know I am one, but I never pull crap like this, pardon my French.) They always say, "Watching one lamb is just as easy as watching two." You know what? IT'S NOT AS EASY. Instead of one lamb eating the flower arrangement off your table, and pooping on your signed copy of Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, now there's another one. At least when my lamb Karen poops, it's adorable. (Pardon my French.)
Example number two: Just because they're lambs doesn't automatically mean they get along. Would you put two serial killers in the same room, because they might have something in common? Well, let me tell you, that Sybil turned out to be a real b-word. She turned her nose up at Karen's milk bottle, dropped Karen's favorite squeaky frog in the toilet, and worst of all, she dragged her bottom across the carpet, leaving a filthy trail of stink. (I only thought dogs did that!) Then she kept Karen and me up all night with her incessant baa-ing. OH GREAT! Now she's into my Star Wars memoribilia box! If she even touched my 1983 Boba Fett action figure from The Empire Strikes Back (mint in box), SHE IS SO DEAD. Jacob and Marie better have their stupid baby quick. You've heard of the anti-Me, right? Sybil is like… like… the ANTI-lamb.
Have you heard the new Hilary Duff album? It's not so bad! I think she's pretty.


jason said...

Hi Jesus,

Sorry to hear about your friends being so RUDE! That totally sucks.
So you must love Christian Rock like more than anybody... what is your favorite band?

Jesus H. Christ said...

Hi Jason.
Thanks for your comment. Yeah, it sucks. But I'm like... WHATEVER. Anyway, people are always thinking I like Christian rock. It must be the long hair. I don't like Christian rock so much. I don't know... it just doesn't speak to me. I like Avril Lavigne, though! SHE'S… SO… AWESOME! Have you heard her new song "Girlfriend"? It's my favorite song in the world right now.
I don't like showtunes either. But that could be because I didn't get chosen to be in my high school production of Jesus Christ Superstar. They made me run follow spot instead.

LeLo in NoPo said...

Oh my Jesus Crackers, I'm so glad you're blogging now Jesus. Instead of praying I can leave you a comment!

I have a question. I've always wondered what you smell like. At first I thought Irish Spring soap. But then I thought, patchouli. I mean, you've got long hair and stuff, so patchouli made sense. But then I thought maybe you're a Stetson man. So. What do you smell like and do you use scented products?

Kato said...

Hey Jesus, I just came across your blog. I've been wondering: can you house-train a lamb?

Cee in SF said...

Hey Jesus,

I prayed to find your blog and, alas, here it is.

I have a request, if I may be so bold - can you cool it with the wind in San Francisco? I didn't bring a rubberband and my hair is flying all over the place.

Thanks! Send my best to Karen, but not to Sybil.

Jesus H. Christ said...

Hey Lelo.
Thanks for commenting. I answered your question in a new post. Thank you, you're nice.

Hey Kato.
Thanks for commenting. Yes. Thank you.

Hey Cee in SF.
Thanks for commenting. I don't control the wind. I can FedEx you a rubber band though. Karen says "Hi!" Thank you.

Padraic said...

Hi Jesus,
Sorry to hear about the Sybil incident with her dragging stink on your carpet. My cat, Floyd, did that once and I was like, "No way! I thought only dogs did that!" So I totally feel for you. They must learn it from watching dogs, I guess?

Jesus H. Christ said...

Hey Padraic.
Thank you for your insightful comment. Did I spell that right? "Insightful"? It doesn't look right. Anyway, I think cats would drag their bottoms regardless of what dogs do. They are kind of pee-holes in that way.
Thank you!!