Monday, April 23, 2007

I despise you, dentist.

Hey. How's it going. Me? Not so great. Remember about a week ago when I said my teeth hurt? Well, as it turns out I have to go to
the dentist tomorrow and I'm not at all happy about it! Here's an eternal truth: Dentists never have good news. I've gone to the doctor, and I've received good news. I've gone to the veterinarian and received good news. But dentists? NO WAY. They are the buzz-stompers of the medical community. I actually had to quit my previous dentist because he was such a bummer. I called him "the evil Dr. Siew." He was some Chinese guy I think, and everytime I came in for a visit, he'd dream up some new way of charging me two thousand dollars. "OH, this is not good, Mr. Christ," he'd say, digging around in my mouth. "You have an abcess here, a large cavity there, and your gums have receded into your jawbone. You, Mr. Christ, have a very challenging mouth." OH, I'M SO SORRY, DR. SIEW. I'M SOOOOO SORRY MY MOUTH IS "CHALLENGING" AND YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO WORK FOR A LIVING.
Well, I'm going to a NEW dentist tomorrow, and I'm not taking any crap! (Pardon my French.) The second he gets all negative, and starts insulting the teeth my dad gave me, I'm gonna tell him off, but good! "Look here,
Mr. Fancy Pants!" I'll say. "They gave you a degree in dentistry, and not in drippery. You are nothing but a glorified garage mechanic, so cut with the 'tut-tutting,' climb under the hood, and fix it. And when you're finished? THANK ME for bringing you my business. And YES, I floss! Every stinking day! (Pardon my French!)"
The fun part about going to the dentist is afterwards when I always eat a pint of
KFC's mashed potatoes and gravy. It's soooooo goood. But what I hate is waiting around for the novacaine to wear off, and listening to all my friends yell, "Hey, Jesus had a stroke!"
I wish I had some novacaine when I was on
the cross, though. That would've helped.


Ja'AmLo said...

I remember seeing a sketch of you helping a dentist once.... that guy in the chair seemed to really have a tight grip on things!

So do you brush karen's teeth?

PS the burn in my mouth finally healed... I'll never try to microwave a burrito as hot as you do, ever again!

LeLo in NoPo said...

Wow, Jesus. Sorry about your teeth. Ja'amlo, looking at that drawing, I don't know if Jesus is helping much there. That super lock grip of the poor guy makes me nervous. Almost as nervous as that dentist's Nebraska hair makes me.

Jesus, when you eat your KFC mashed potatoes with gravy, do you use the spork? (Jesus, don't you love that word? Spork? It's like I have a mouthful of pop rocks when I say it! I bet you can't say it after a good novocaine shot!)

Jesus H. Christ said...

Dear Ja'amio.
How are you? Fine I hope. I saw that picture. I don't get it. Why would I ever help a dentist? I don't know anything about teeth! That's really scary, and way too much pressure.

Dear Lelo in Nopo.
How are you? Fine I hope. I LOVE a spork. It really makes you wonder about other possible combination inventions. Such as "shpants." A combination of shirt and pants. WAIT. That's a pantsuit, isn't it? Nevermind.