Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Dr. Hovley? You're lovely.

Hey, what's new? That's interesting, but listen to this. Remember yesterday when I said I hated dentists (especially my old dentist, the evil Dr. Siew) because they are always so mean to me, and treat me like I'm a huge inconvenience to everyone on the planet because I choose not to get my teeth whitened? And how I was going to visit a new dentist today, and if he climbed all up in my grill (so to speak) I was really going to tell him off? WELL, YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED. When I arrived at the dental clinic, I told the receptionist I was there to see Dr. Hovley (my new dentist), and the receptionist said, "She'll see you in just a moment."
She? SHE?? A woman dentist? As my favorite comedian Yakov Smirnoff always says: "What a country!"
Seriously, why didn't anyone think of this before? A woman dentist is perfect! You've never heard of a male gynecologist, right? That's because women are NICE, and understand what it's like for people to be poking around all inside of them—so for me, a woman dentist is just what the doctor ordered. GET IT?!?
Even better? Dr. Jessica Hovley is BEAUTIFUL. And soooo sweet! She didn't scold me once, and at one point even said, "Jesus, you have some really handsome choppers." WOW. Frankly, I don't even remember what she was doing in there. I just stared into those amazingly blue eyes as she scraped, prodded, drilled and used that weird noisy thing to suck all the saliva out of my mouth.
When it was over, she gave me a little bag with a new toothbrush and some Crest paste. Then she winked and said, "Now don't you forget to floss!"
I won't, Dr. Hovley. Whenever I scrape my tongue, or pick some meat out of my teeth, I'll give it everything I've got. Because Dr. Hovley… I'll be doing it for you. Dr. Hovley will want a husband with nice teeth.
There was a sale on socks at Target today, so I got six pairs. What a great day!


Amit said...

Hey Jesus, this is completely off the topic of dentists, but do you drive?

tsume said...

amit, I think Jesus just walks and takes public transport.

Jesus, I am glad you found a dentist that you like. Will you take her last name after you get married? And most importantly - what does Karen think of Dr. Hovley?

Mary Magdalene said...

Jesus is too good for driving. He just walks around in Birkenstocks, waving palm fronds.

A.G. said...

Hi Jesus.

I just wanted to let you know, I always go to Target after I go to MY dentist too!

I have something awesome in common w/ Jesus H Christ!

This really IS a great day!

hula_hank said...

Dear Jesus,

I also had a a crush on my dentist... but the dream died as I thought no one who has dug around in my teeth and knew what was in there would want to give me a french kiss.

If you go out on a date with her, will she give a discount?

love, Hank

Jesus H. Christ said...

Hi there.
Thank you for your wise comments.
1) Hi Amit. No so good.
2) Hi Tsume. "Jesus H. Hovley." I like that. I googled Dr. Hovley last night, and Karen saw her picture. She thought she was cute.
3) Hi Mary. Wrong Jesus.
4) Hi A.G. Awesome!
5) Hi Hula Hank. I'm going to wait until after the third date to ask her about the discount. Maybe she'll floss my teeth for me, though.