I hate the way this guy draws me.

Another dumb thing about being me? Artists are always trying to draw me, and yet they generally screw it up. It's insulting really. You know how many artists have actually called me up and asked, "Jesus, would you like to pose for a painting?" ZERO. It's like they already have a checklist of my visual attributes ("Long hair... check. Beard… check. Soft, dewy eyes… check."), slop them down on a canvas, and call it a day!
Take this guy's dumb painting for example. It's by some guy in Tennessee named Spencer Williams—WHOM I'VE NEVER MET—and it doesn't look anything like me! And who's that kid on my shoulder? I don't know him! I kind of don't like kids very much, and I certainly don't walk around hoisting them up on my shoulder.
And look at my face! This is the WORST depiction of my face since Willem Defoe played me in The Last Temptation of Christ (pretty good movie, though). This painting makes me look like a garbage man or something... I don't know. It makes me look like I'm going to take that kid and dump him head first into a wood chipper. Not that I would. I'm just saying. And I kind of look high, don't I? Like I'm some kind of stupid hippie that just rolled out of a van stinking of pot. And why are we in the clouds? Is the kid dead? If he is, there's not much reason to carry him on my shoulder, is there?
And I'm not even going to get into the way this kid looks. I mean, his nose is all bent, his eyes are uneven, his haircut is HORRIBLE… I guess it explains a lot that the artist is from TENNESSEE.
Anyway, I'm tired of looking at stupid pictures of myself and it makes my head hurt. Today for lunch I had a tofu scramble. I'm still hungry and my stomach feels like it's stuffed with cardboard.