Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I hate the way this guy draws me.


Another dumb thing about being me? Artists are always trying to draw me, and yet they generally screw it up. It's insulting really. You know how many artists have actually called me up and asked, "Jesus, would you like to pose for a painting?" ZERO. It's like they already have a checklist of my visual attributes ("Long hair... check. Beard… check. Soft, dewy eyes… check."), slop them down on a canvas, and call it a day!
Take this guy's dumb painting for example. It's by some guy in Tennessee named Spencer Williams—WHOM I'VE NEVER MET—and it doesn't look anything like me! And who's that kid on my shoulder? I don't know him! I kind of don't like kids very much, and I certainly don't walk around hoisting them up on my shoulder.
And look at my face! This is the WORST depiction of my face since Willem Defoe played me in The Last Temptation of Christ (pretty good movie, though). This painting makes me look like a garbage man or something... I don't know. It makes me look like I'm going to take that kid and dump him head first into a wood chipper. Not that I would. I'm just saying. And I kind of look high, don't I? Like I'm some kind of stupid hippie that just rolled out of a van stinking of pot. And why are we in the clouds? Is the kid dead? If he is, there's not much reason to carry him on my shoulder, is there?
And I'm not even going to get into the way this kid looks. I mean, his nose is all bent, his eyes are uneven, his haircut is HORRIBLE… I guess it explains a lot that the artist is from TENNESSEE.
Anyway, I'm tired of looking at stupid pictures of myself and it makes my head hurt. Today for lunch I had a tofu scramble. I'm still hungry and my stomach feels like it's stuffed with cardboard.

10 comments:

Amit said...

hey Jesus, what about your profile picture?

Jesus H. Christ said...

Hi Amit.
Thanks for commenting. I like that one okay I guess... but why does everybody have to paint me so OLD? I'm 32... not 52! Anyway, I chose this picture because Karen looks so beautiful. Seriously, you take one look at Karen and wonder, "Why do people have kids"? Kids are stupid next to lambs.
Bye!

Jege (Jen) said...

Hi Jesus-

What do you think of these drawings of you: http://members.aol.com/JesusImages/

Love,

Jege

PS- Terry IS a jerk. Hi to karen!!!

Kato said...

This picture really makes you look haggard. It's insulting. You should consider trademarking your image, just so people can't ruin it like this. I mean, I don't want to pray to this Jesus. I want to give this Jesus a buck and some change so he'll get away from me and stop trying to wash my windshield.

Jesus H. Christ said...

Hi Jen.
Thanks for commenting. I looked at those pictures. I don't like them. Clowns scare me, and so do joggers. Plus he drew me fat.
Thanks, though.

Hey Kato.
Thanks for commenting. Trademarking my image is a good idea, but I don't want people to think I'm a jerk. On the other hand, Arbys is trademarked and they're not a jerk. I'll think about it. Over a beef 'n' cheddar. Ha. Lol.
Thank you.

hula_hank said...

Not only that, but the artist drew all of these people hard at work laying carpet or picking up hay... and you're just standing behind them all like "Yay! You can do it!"

I mean why don't you get off your lazy ass and grab a pitchfork and start moving hay... or at least bring a cool drink or something.

If I were you, I would break the tip of all this artist's pencils.

Juba said...

Jesus, people paint you because you are hot.

schmelorama said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
schmelorama said...

Dear Jesus,

Sorry i haven't been in touch.. i guess i just forgot what a cool person you are. please forgive me for not calling you back and hanging out with Buddha instead. Can't we all be friends?

Anyway, just wanted to ask you a couple of questions...

1) if you don't like kids (which i can understand), then why are you depicted like this:

http://www.catholicshopper.com/
products/inspirational_
sport_statues.html

wow! i had no idea that you enjoyed playing sports so much! why didn't we ever play hockey together?

2) Just to set the record straight, are you a Christian or a Jew? my partner (yes, i'm a gay now, but i know you're ok w/ that) and i were in disagreement. can you end it, please? it keeps coming up in conversation after we read your blog.

Love,
h:)

The Witty Mulatto said...

Technically, Jesus, you are not white.

But I always have had sinful, slightly lustful thought about the white version of Jesus. Keep on rockin.