Thursday, July 12, 2007
My plan is to kiss Trudy.
Hey! How are you? Fine, I hope. Me, I think I may want to consider thinking about possibly kissing Trudy. She's a bank teller, btw, and as friends we have had a long, sometimes tumultuous, but mostly fun relationship. However, now I am making the consideration of taking the "next step." Which is kissing her. ON THE MOUTH.
EEEEEE!!! I know. It's very exciting. After the whole Damien debacle (please see the thousands of previous posts on the subject of that jerk), Trudy and I decided to "take things slow" and see "where things went." Well, I've been thinking about it, and the "things" are definitely my lips, and the "went" is gonna be "onto her lips." Or at least I think I want to. I'M SCARED. I've kissed girls before and stuff, but I haven't kissed girls in a long time, and I'm pretty nervous about it. I'm pretty afraid that I don't quite remember how. However, I have been practicing a bit with help from a pair of fake lips I cleverly carved from a banana. I think I'm kissing too hard, though, because all I got was face full of banana.
Anywhoops, I'm considering kissing Trudy tomorrow night at the denoument of our movie date. Denoument means "end" by the way. Did you know that? It's a good word to use when you want to fool people into thinking you're smart. But back to Trudy. This is how I plan to kiss her: After tomorrow night's movie show, we will ride our bikes back to her house. We will park the bikes and each eat a Nutty Buddy on her stoop. Then I will say, "Oh, Trudy, apparently you have some Nutty Buddy byproduct on your lip. Here, let me retrieve it for you." Then as I brush the imaginary byproduct away, I will pause… and stare deeply into her eyes for exactly nine seconds. And then she will say, "Oh, Jesus!" at which point I will sweep her downward into one of those big dips you see in the old-timey movies, and then dive bomb my lips into hers. Naturally, I'll have to keep a very tight grip on her spine, because she will most likely swoon. After kissing her hard on the mouth for exactly 23 seconds, I'll sweep her back into an upright position, jump on my bike and say "See ya later, toots!" before speeding off into the night.
WELL? WHAT DO YOU THINK? Que romantique, eh? If there was any doubt in her mind that my lips are two molten pillows of fire, and that I'm 89 times the man Damien is, it will be dispelled when I swing the sledgehammer of my mouth into hers! Now if you'll excuse me, I must start getting ready for my date. That case of Altoids isn't going to eat itself.