Monday, July 9, 2007
Come to vacation bible school.
Hello! How are you? I am EXHAUSTED! Another exciting day for ol' "J.C." (See, I was watching Magnum, P.I. and I really like the character "T.C." so I've decided I want people to call ME by my initials, too. Also, I think I'll learn how to fly a helicopter.) So I woke up this morning with a real "hankerin'" for a Chick-o-Stick, right? But as I was riding my bike to the 7-11, I heard this busload of kids approaching, and they were all singing out of the windows, "COME TO VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL, COME TO VACATION BIBLE SCHOOL!"
So I yelled back, "NO THANKS!"
And they yelled back, "WHY NOT?"
And I yelled, "BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE THE BIIIIIIIBLE!"
Obviously tired of yelling, one of the kids said, "Ehh, there's not so much bible. Mostly it's just arts and crafts and games and cookies and Kool-Aid."
"WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?" I yelled. "I'M IN!"
So I hopped on the bus, and guess where it took us? To the Victory Baptist Church! (See Friday's post for the ridiculous story of that.) I was about to take off, but I figured two things: 1) I might find some money lying around I could use to buy an iPhone, and 2) I love cookies and Kool-Aid. I was following the kids into the classroom, when the teacher approached me.
"Oh, my goodness! You're dressed up like Jesus," she giggled.
"Did Reverend Sparkle send you?"
"Mmmm… noooo… I'm here because of the kids, actually," I said.
"Oh, that's why I'm here, too," she said. "It's so important to introduce them to Christ at an early age."
"Well… HERE I AM!"
"Indeed you are! And you're a dead ringer, I might add. Would you tell the children a Jesus story?"
"Ummm… sure. It's the only kind I know."
"You are funny. OKAY CHILDREN!" she announced. "We have a very special guest for you today, who will be sharing with us a Jesus story. So gather 'round."
After the kids settled down, I said, "Oh-kay. So what kind of story would you like to hear?"
One little boy piped up, "How about the one where you fed the multitudes with one loaf of bread and a fish?"
"Actually, it wasn't a multitude. It was around 8 people. And it was a potluck, so in reality there was plenty of food. Too much, actually. We threw a lot of it away."
The teacher said in a rather stern voice, "Well… JESUS. Why don't you relate the story of how you calmed the great storm and saved the disciples. OKAY?"
"Ugh. I hate that story," I said. "Totally bogus. It was barely raining, and those guys in the boat were so drunk, they started to panic. So I yelled, 'PEACE! BE STILL!' so they would stop rocking the stupid boat. They did, and eventually passed out I think. I don't really remember. OH! Have you ever heard the one about 'the hook killer of lover's lane'? It didn't happen to me, but it totally happened to some friends of some friends of mine…"
At this point, I noticed the teacher running out of the room, but I just thought she had to go to the can, or something. So I kept telling the story, and eventually I got to the part where I was showing the kids my fake clothes hanger "hook" sticking out of my sleeve, and saying, "And the hook looked just… like… THIS!!!"
Everybody was screaming and yelling, and that's about when the same deacon who threw me out on Friday ran in and he threw me out again! (Does this guy ever sleep?)
This getting "thrown out of church" business is starting to get BORING. And twice in one week? And I didn't even get a dad-darned sugar cookie! (PMF!) What's wrong with my stories, anyway? Maybe I should've told them the one about Trudy (the bank teller) sticking her finger in my mouth.