Monday, July 23, 2007

Face! Facial! Bioré!


HELLO. Where's it at, fruit bat? Today I am feeling VINDICATED, because not only has the new Harry Potter book been released, but I also totally "faced" Rev. Sparkle (he's the pastor of the Victory Baptist Church who thinks I mugged him when I was really only asking for $500 so I could get an iPhone). Do you know what "faced" means? Getting "faced" is when you really burn somebody, and yell, "FACE!" But if you super burn somebody, then you can yell, "FACIAL!" And if you super-duper-duper burn somebody, you can yell, "BIORÈ!" (Which are like, those nose cleaning strips.) Thought you'd like to know!
Anyway, to recap: I was standing in line outside the bookstore for like almost a week waiting for the new Harry Potter book to hit the shelves, and was having a really nice time with all my new Potterphile friends, when all of a sudden that buzz-kill Rev. Sparkle walked up and started accusing everybody of being Satanists and delving in "witchery" just because Harry Potter has a wizard or two. So I hit him with a "FACE!" and then a "FACIAL!" and Rev. Sparkle got so mad, he promised to return later with a bunch of his meaty Christian friends to do something… I don't know what. Maybe bore us to death?
Anywuggle, this got everybody in line REALLY NERVOUS, and they were afraid something bad was going to happen, and they wouldn't get their Harry Potter books. (Now, to you, this may not mean much—but to these people, missing out on the final Harry Potter book is like President Bush not getting to bomb Iraq. It's a big deal.) And I felt like everyone was looking to me to save the day, because I was the one who gave Rev. Sparkle a facial. (Hmmm… that sounds PMF-y for some reason.) But here's the thing: I DIDN'T WANT TO GET OUT OF LINE. I'd been there all week, and I certainly didn't want to lose my place. On the other hand, take one look at these Potter people, and you'll know they aren't exactly… oh, how shall I put this? Equipped to deal with conflict. Therefore… I devised a plan.
It was just about an hour before the Harry Potter books went on sale, and right on cue, here comes Rev. Sparkle with a throng of crazy Christian supporters, waving signs, clogging the sidewalks and spilling out into the streets. This was not good, because the cops could come along, and make EVERYBODY go home—which I'm sure was Rev. Sparkle's intention.
"HARRY POTTER IS THE STICKY BYPRODUCT OF THE DEVIL," screamed Sparkle and his minions. "REPENT NOW, OR FACE WHAT WILL SURELY BE AN ETERNITY OF BATHING IN A LAKE OF FIRE, AND DRYING WITH SCRATCHY TOWELS PROVIDED BY SATAN'S UNRELIABLE STAFF!" (I'm telling you, this Rev. Sparkle guy is weird.)
That's when the trumpets started to blare.
It was an incredibly loud blast of noise that may have been enough to drive the Christians to their knees, but we'll never know for sure—because when I came floating down from the sky, they were on their knees faster than a Catholic school choir boy. (PMF.)
(Note: It really is easy to fool Christians with a loud sound system, some dramatic lighting, and a rope and pulley system attached to a flag pole. As a group, they're a bit gullible.)
I was no longer in my wizard outfit, but decked out in my shiniest, whitest Jesus robes, with a neon halo attached to my head. And thanks to my microphone, and the reverb on the sound system turned up to 8, my voice was booming.
"THE END IS NIGH!" I yelled at the crowd. "IT IS THE RAPTURE, AND I SHALL NOW TAKE ALL GOOD CHRISTIANS UP TO HEAVEN TO MEET GOD, MY HOLY FATHER. ARE THOU PREPARED TO MEET THY MAKER?"
"Yes!!" cried the Christians.
"GOOD! FIRST OF ALL TAKE OFF ALL YOUR CLOTHES!"
"What?" they asked.
"THERE IS NO NEED FOR CLOTHES IN HEAVEN! REMOVE THEM!"
Reluctantly, they did as I asked.
"I AM PLEASED WITH YOUR NAKEDNESS!" (No, I wasn't.) NOW, RUN DOWN TO THE RIVER, AND JUMP IN. YOU MUST BE CLEAN TO ENTER THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN! AND THEN, WHEN YOU'RE DONE THERE, RUN HOME, MAKE A BUNCH OF SANDWICHES OUT OF THE REFRIGERATOR, AND GIVE THEM TO THE HOMELESS SHELTER. YOU DON'T NEED SANDWICHES IN HEAVEN! FOLLOWING THAT, DO 27 JUMPING JACKS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET, AND SAY, "TAKE ME GOD, TAKE ME! I AM READY TO FLY TO HEAVEN." AND IF YOU'VE BEEN A GOOD CHRISTIAN, WE'LL THINK ABOUT IT. NOW… GO!!"
And off they ran—even Rev. Sparkle—down to the river. Hope they got that sewer overflow problem fixed.
Anyway, the Harry Potter crowd loved my performance, and even carried me around on their shoulders for awhile. That was fun. But I think the part I liked best is when the bookstore owner gave me the very first copy of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. That was super nice. But you know what? To tell the truth, I'm not the biggest Harry Potter fan, so I gave it to the person who was in the very back of the line, and then I left. I had done what I came to do: Make some new friends, and make a couple people happy. Besides, if I didn't leave right then, I wouldn't get a picture of a naked Rev. Sparkle handing out sandwiches at the homeless shelter! (Now I can BLACKMAIL him for an iPhone! Hee… hee… hee…)
Oh yeah… BIORÈ!

26 comments:

ohchicken said...

dear jesus, i love you.
not in a creepy internet stalker way, but in a pure respect kind of way.

daniel said...

nooooice...i give you props for your awesome facialtastic fight

blessing said...

Jesus, sounds like you totally gave the reverend not just a facial but a real chemical peel (PMF)! I like you so much.

Trina said...

YES! I knew your plan would be fan-freaking-tastic. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you for having a truly wonderful plan and putting it into action and then telling us about it. And I have to commend you, your plans are getting better and better. Keep it up! WOO HOO!

Love,
Your Tireless Cheerleader

Oh Sweet Moses! said...

Giving away your book to the person at the end of the line was a nice touch JC after you have made friends. Really nice. I like that. :-)

The Redhead said...

Well, aren't you just the sweetest? Giving your book to someone at the end that probably would have had to wait hours longer!

Nice work with the Reverend, also! Wonder how he'll feel when he realizes he wasn't picked to go to heaven? Hmm... Might just have to change professions!

Keep up the good work, J.C.!

Sammie said...

Holy Crap, (PMF) JC! You really hosed yourself some so-called Christians!I am SOOOO proud of you and your ingenuity that I could just carry you around on MY shoulders all day!
You really Biore'd Sparkle but good!
On top of it all, you did a really nice thing by giving your copy of The Book to the person at the end of the line!
WHOOOOO TO YOOOOUUUUU!

ChillyMama said...

Dear Jesus,

You are my hero! I laughed out loud at the thought of naked Rev. Sparkle running around like a fool. AND the homeless get free sandwiches? Genius!

Say hey to Karen for me!

ChillyMama said...

PS: Yes, a facial is a lot PMF-y, at least according to my teenaged daughter and her friends.

They're still laughing at me. Whatever!

The Witty Mulatto said...

Sounds like micro-derm abrasion, JC. Way to go.

Jesus H. Christ said...

Face! Facial! Biore!

1) I love you, too! In a creepy internet stalker kind of way!
2) Facial!
3) Chemical Peel! (Ooh, I like that one.)
4) Yay! I would hate it if my plans kept getting dumber.
5) Yeah, especially since I could've sold it on eBay for big bucks.
6) You should see the picture I took of him naked. Hint: He's no Jeremy.
7) All in a day's work, ma'am. High ho Silver, AWAAAAAAYYY!
8) One of the homeless guys gave Karen a sandwich, so it all worked out even.
9) Whoops. I hate it when I negatively impact teenagers.
10) He got so exfoliated! SNAP!

Asharatanjung said...

How can I believe gospel. So many Gospel I found inthis word. Luca did not agree with Markus. And Markus did not believe Yohannes. And haopw I believe all of them. I don't know which one will I read. Becouse they did not believe each other, it mekes me don believe them. And People did not believe jesus. That why they crucified him. He prayed to god. He was a god. But now, many people said that he is agod. I don;t believe it. I am Mr. Tanjung Panyabungan

aurelia said...

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k said...

u gotta be careful with those biore thingys

they can take off the whole nose

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k said...

don't put the biore things on your lip.

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Mormon Testomonies said...

http://churchofjesuschristtestimonies.blogspot.com/

http://scottsworld.info/lds.htm http://women.ldsblogs.com/2008/06/07/we-increase-our-testimonies-of-jesus-chr http://www.greaterthings.com/index.html
skip to main | skip to sidebar
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Church of Jesus christ of latterday saints.

I was born in 1970 my Mother told me that around that time a older Gentle man used to come around who spread the gosple quoting versues from the Bible and also had the gift of prophesy about events that going to happen. He prophesised the order in which my Mother will have children so first would be a Girl , followed by a boy , then twin. which came true.

Any ways as life went along we grew up and were in our teens going to high shcool around that time we always wondered which is the true church as My Grandmother was a strong Bpatist, my father Penticostal and my mother ,since she was working in Seventh Day Adventise school she joined the Seventh day Adventise Church.

We always wondered which is the true church so in one of the occasions when this Older man whom we called "Ayyagar" came to visit us, we put forth this question about which is the true Church, and expressed our greif as to how can it be that all differrent Churches that my family go to are true Churches. So "Ayyagar" told us that in the last days you will come across another Book that will go with the Bible when you see that sign that is the true Church.

In 1986 My Dad who is the only source of major bread winner for the family met with a tragic train accident. He was walking beside the train tracks and some how his thougths went back to when he was a little boy he used to wait around the tracks looking far ahead for his Mother my Grand Mother who used to walk on the tracks to come home ,which I later came to know was a short cut comming home. So as he was immerse in this thought process my Dad forgot the train was comming speedingly towards him , he looks at the signal light post ahead of him which was green meaning a train could be comming and my Dad turns around to see if the trian was comming , while he was turning to see it was already to late the protruding handle of the Engine hit my Dad in the right side of the back ribs , the froce was so great it threw my Dad in the air and he says he could see himself falling down fast and as he was getting closer and closer to the ground he said "God my chilldren" and the Engine past him and he fell on the side of the track instead of in the center of the track, My Father in immese pain was trying to get up, he got to a kneeling position and as he took the strenght to stand thinking the worse was over little did he knew that the foot steps of the train which are nine inches in thickness and heavy teak wook came dashing fast towards him and hit him hard in the back ribs and took my Father down again , My father said all he could feel sheer pain his whole body trembling due to pain and he lay their for the train to pass him all this this took less then thirty seconds but seemed a life time.

When he realised the train was gone my Father again took the strenght to get up he noticed that people were comming running towards him which later I came to know they were comming to pick up body parts, my Father was taken to the near by hospital after doing examination the doctors where surprised that beside bursies my father had only a air pin facture to one of the ribs but the force of the train had shoot up all the muscles and organs in the body he was in the hospital for a month

I stayed most of the day and night with my father ofcourse my mother and brother and sisters would also come and visit but me being the eldest boy in the family the responsibility fell on me more to make sure my father was taken care of. One day as I was doing my routine visiting my Father I noticed a couple the Gentle man wore white shirt and dark pants,and the Lady was wearing a dress both has some kind of a name tag on the left side of the chest, Since the air port was close by to the hospital I was thinking what is this Pilot doing here , how do they know my Father? They introduced themselfs and were asking my father's welfare they both carried a case which got my attention, later they said if they could share a scripture from the Bible and I noticed the case open and to my astonishment their was a book that went with the Bible just as the way "Ayyagar" told us many years ago. I was very much amazed during that time "Ayyagar" couldn't have know anything about the LDS church, as their was no internet , no tv, and radios would only cover news for near by town , to make matter worse "Ayyagar" did not knew to read or write English not only English but the he could not read and write in native Indian Language.

I believe this was the work of the holy spirit revealing throught "Ayyagar" my family join the Church. I was baptized in the church in 1988.

I believe without a doubt in my mind this is a true church and I say this in the name of Jesus christ.
Posted by Mormon Testomonies at 4:10 PM 0 comments
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Mormon Testomonies said...

I would like to share my Christ Experience from India

http://churchofjesuschristtestimonies.blogspot.com/2008/07/church-of-jesus-christ-of-latterday.html

skip to main | skip to sidebar
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Church of Jesus christ of latterday saints.

I was born in 1970 my Mother told me that around that time a older Gentle man used to come around who spread the gosple quoting versues from the Bible and also had the gift of prophesy about events that going to happen. He prophesised the order in which my Mother will have children so first would be a Girl , followed by a boy , then twin. which came true.

Any ways as life went along we grew up and were in our teens going to high shcool around that time we always wondered which is the true church as My Grandmother was a strong Bpatist, my father Penticostal and my mother ,since she was working in Seventh Day Adventise school she joined the Seventh day Adventise Church.

We always wondered which is the true church so in one of the occasions when this Older man whom we called "Ayyagar" came to visit us, we put forth this question about which is the true Church, and expressed our greif as to how can it be that all differrent Churches that my family go to are true Churches. So "Ayyagar" told us that in the last days you will come across another Book that will go with the Bible when you see that sign that is the true Church.

In 1986 My Dad who is the only source of major bread winner for the family met with a tragic train accident. He was walking beside the train tracks and some how his thougths went back to when he was a little boy he used to wait around the tracks looking far ahead for his Mother my Grand Mother who used to walk on the tracks to come home ,which I later came to know was a short cut comming home. So as he was immerse in this thought process my Dad forgot the train was comming speedingly towards him , he looks at the signal light post ahead of him which was green meaning a train could be comming and my Dad turns around to see if the trian was comming , while he was turning to see it was already to late the protruding handle of the Engine hit my Dad in the right side of the back ribs , the froce was so great it threw my Dad in the air and he says he could see himself falling down fast and as he was getting closer and closer to the ground he said "God my chilldren" and the Engine past him and he fell on the side of the track instead of in the center of the track, My Father in immese pain was trying to get up, he got to a kneeling position and as he took the strenght to stand thinking the worse was over little did he knew that the foot steps of the train which are nine inches in thickness and heavy teak wook came dashing fast towards him and hit him hard in the back ribs and took my Father down again , My father said all he could feel sheer pain his whole body trembling due to pain and he lay their for the train to pass him all this this took less then thirty seconds but seemed a life time.

When he realised the train was gone my Father again took the strenght to get up he noticed that people were comming running towards him which later I came to know they were comming to pick up body parts, my Father was taken to the near by hospital after doing examination the doctors where surprised that beside bursies my father had only a air pin facture to one of the ribs but the force of the train had shoot up all the muscles and organs in the body he was in the hospital for a month

I stayed most of the day and night with my father ofcourse my mother and brother and sisters would also come and visit but me being the eldest boy in the family the responsibility fell on me more to make sure my father was taken care of. One day as I was doing my routine visiting my Father I noticed a couple the Gentle man wore white shirt and dark pants,and the Lady was wearing a dress both has some kind of a name tag on the left side of the chest, Since the air port was close by to the hospital I was thinking what is this Pilot doing here , how do they know my Father? They introduced themselfs and were asking my father's welfare they both carried a case which got my attention, later they said if they could share a scripture from the Bible and I noticed the case open and to my astonishment their was a book that went with the Bible just as the way "Ayyagar" told us many years ago. I was very much amazed during that time "Ayyagar" couldn't have know anything about the LDS church, as their was no internet , no tv, and radios would only cover news for near by town , to make matter worse "Ayyagar" did not knew to read or write English not only English but the he could not read and write in native Indian Language.

I believe this was the work of the holy spirit revealing throught "Ayyagar" my family join the Church. I was baptized in the church in 1988.

I believe without a doubt in my mind this is a true church and I say this in the name of Jesus christ.
Posted by Mormon Testomonies at 4:10

Brukewilliams said...

Back in the day a carpenter was a high tech job. So when Jesus Christ was doing it you knew he was a capable guy doing a job that needed smarts and skill. When you asked Jesus Christ to make a desk for you he didn't open a box and put together the pre arranged pieces. He measured and cut and sanded everything himself.
--------
Brukewilliams
Internet Marketing

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Jesus, that sounds like a good idea.

tarquinn said...

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I think so too!!!!

mgalmonicar said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mgalmonicar said...

Hello Jesus, You are always here in my heart forever. Did Jesus Poops?

Dyalisson said...

Olá soy brazileiro enter ai you www.tudonoglobo.blogspot.com

siga-nos parceria

arah said...

BIBLE LED ME TO ISLAM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYMKQKSV0bY

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qFuZCL_NbXE

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