Thursday, July 5, 2007
Jerry the vegan butcher has an iPhone.
Hey, what's going on? For me, two things: 1) Can't hear so good, and 2) Jerry the vegan butcher has an iPhone. Turns out my fireworks display from last night was a bit too successful, and all I can hear right now is RING, RING, RING, RING. I can't even understand what Karen (that's my lamb) is saying. I see her mouth move, and it looks like she's saying something like "Ahhh! Ahhh!" But I don't know what she's talking about.
Speaking of Karen, remember a couple of weeks ago when Karen got herself into quite a spot when she stumbled onto a rooster fight and a botched drug deal? No? Well, she did. (You know, it really hurts my feelings when you don't regularly read my blog. Anyway.) Luckily, Karen escaped by dashing into a vegan butcher shop. Actually, the shop isn't vegan, just the butcher. His name is Jerry, and he was nice enough to bring her home. And I made a new friend! Sometimes I'll drop him off a tofurky sandwich, just to show my gratitude.
Anywow, today I dropped by his shop, just to say hi, and he yelled (because he's the type of person who always yells):
"JESUS, MY GOOD FRIEND! HOW ARE YOU TODAY?"
"I SAID, 'JESUS, MY GOOD FRIEND!! HOW ARE YOU TODAY??'"
"Not so hot, Jerry," I said. "My ears are ringing from all the fireworks I shot off last night."
"THAT'S GREAT, JESUS. LOOK. I GOT ME AN iPHONE!!"
He pulled it out from behind the counter. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
"How did you get an iPhone, Jerry? I heard they were all sold out."
"MY BROTHER! HAROLD! HE WORKS IN THE TECHNICAL INDUSTRY! HE GETS ME ALL THE GADGETRY FOR FREE!"
Now, up until this point, I wasn't sure I even wanted an iPhone. But now was different. Jerry the vegan butcher had one, and I'm Jesus Christ. And I didn't.
"LOOK AT WHAT IT DOES. IT PLAYS MY KENNY LOGGINS. LOOK AT WHAT IT DOES. IT SURFS MY INTERNET. LOOK AT WHAT IT DOES. IT PLAYS THE POPEYE CARTOONS."
"That's great, Jerry, does it make phone calls?" I asked rolling my eyes.
"HMMM. GOOD QUESTION. I TRY THAT NEXT. BUT THIS iPOD IS PRETTY TIGHT, NO?"
"Yeah, Jerry, it's wicked tight. GOTTA GO!"
And I stormed out. Maybe I slammed the door. I don't know. I couldn't hear.
This iPhone situation is complete horse hockey. (PMF!) I don't ask for much in this world. I don't go around to churches asking for my cut of their weekly tithes. (Though I should.) I'm nice to people and I barely ever mention the fact that I was strung up on a cross and had two huges spikes hammered through my wrists. And I've still got the scars! They're gross! And yet, for everything I do and have done in the world, Jerry the stupid vegan butcher gets an iPhone, and I can't. HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE IT. And what's a butcher doing being a "vegan" anyway? Jiminy Crickets, this world is fudged up!
OOPS. Good thing I couldn't hear myself say that. In fact, I can't hear anything but the constant RING, RING, RING of the iPhone I don't have!
Well, that's it.
I'm sick and tired of this stupid world kicking me around. I'M GETTING ME A DAD-DARNED iPHONE (PMF!) IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!
Tomorrow, I think I'll pay a little visit to the local Baptist church. Me thinks SOMEBODY owes Papa Jesus a little moo-lah-lah! (That means money.)