Thursday, July 5, 2007

Jerry the vegan butcher has an iPhone.


Hey, what's going on? For me, two things: 1) Can't hear so good, and 2) Jerry the vegan butcher has an iPhone. Turns out my fireworks display from last night was a bit too successful, and all I can hear right now is RING, RING, RING, RING. I can't even understand what Karen (that's my lamb) is saying. I see her mouth move, and it looks like she's saying something like "Ahhh! Ahhh!" But I don't know what she's talking about.
Speaking of Karen, remember a couple of weeks ago when Karen got herself into quite a spot when she stumbled onto a rooster fight and a botched drug deal? No? Well, she did. (You know, it really hurts my feelings when you don't regularly read my blog. Anyway.) Luckily, Karen escaped by dashing into a vegan butcher shop. Actually, the shop isn't vegan, just the butcher. His name is Jerry, and he was nice enough to bring her home. And I made a new friend! Sometimes I'll drop him off a tofurky sandwich, just to show my gratitude.
Anywow, today I dropped by his shop, just to say hi, and he yelled (because he's the type of person who always yells):
"JESUS, MY GOOD FRIEND! HOW ARE YOU TODAY?"
"What?"
"I SAID, 'JESUS, MY GOOD FRIEND!! HOW ARE YOU TODAY??'"
"Not so hot, Jerry," I said. "My ears are ringing from all the fireworks I shot off last night."
"THAT'S GREAT, JESUS. LOOK. I GOT ME AN iPHONE!!"
He pulled it out from behind the counter. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.
"How did you get an iPhone, Jerry? I heard they were all sold out."
"MY BROTHER! HAROLD! HE WORKS IN THE TECHNICAL INDUSTRY! HE GETS ME ALL THE GADGETRY FOR FREE!"

Now, up until this point, I wasn't sure I even wanted an iPhone. But now was different. Jerry the vegan butcher had one, and I'm Jesus Christ. And I didn't.

"LOOK AT WHAT IT DOES. IT PLAYS MY KENNY LOGGINS. LOOK AT WHAT IT DOES. IT SURFS MY INTERNET. LOOK AT WHAT IT DOES. IT PLAYS THE POPEYE CARTOONS."
"That's great, Jerry, does it make phone calls?" I asked rolling my eyes.
"HMMM. GOOD QUESTION. I TRY THAT NEXT. BUT THIS iPOD IS PRETTY TIGHT, NO?"
"Yeah, Jerry, it's wicked tight. GOTTA GO!"
And I stormed out. Maybe I slammed the door. I don't know. I couldn't hear.

This iPhone situation is complete horse hockey. (PMF!) I don't ask for much in this world. I don't go around to churches asking for my cut of their weekly tithes. (Though I should.) I'm nice to people and I barely ever mention the fact that I was strung up on a cross and had two huges spikes hammered through my wrists. And I've still got the scars! They're gross! And yet, for everything I do and have done in the world, Jerry the stupid vegan butcher gets an iPhone, and I can't. HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE IT. And what's a butcher doing being a "vegan" anyway? Jiminy Crickets, this world is fudged up!
OOPS. Good thing I couldn't hear myself say that. In fact, I can't hear anything but the constant RING, RING, RING of the iPhone I don't have!
Well, that's it.
I'm sick and tired of this stupid world kicking me around. I'M GETTING ME A DAD-DARNED iPHONE (PMF!) IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO!
Tomorrow, I think I'll pay a little visit to the local Baptist church. Me thinks SOMEBODY owes Papa Jesus a little moo-lah-lah! (That means money.)



10 comments:

Sammie said...

Jesus,
1) I tried to warn you about the TNT that you bought, but, NOOOO, you didn't listen! NOW YOU REALLY CAN'T HEAR WHAT I HAVE TO SAY!
I'm just glad Karen didn't get hurt! I SAID, "I'M JUST GLAD KAREN DIDN'T GET HURT"
2)You are really hot about this iPhone situation! I think you should slow down a bit until all the hoopla has died down over this latest invention! I mean, really, did you get this hot over the X-box 360, or the newest X-box 360?
As you should know,with all new developments, comes a learning curve and extra time needed for the techies to get all the bugs out of them. (not bugs, really, but glitches)
If you just jump on the bandwagon (not really a wagon, just a figure of speech) and buy the first edition of whatever is new, you are spending more than you need to, and by waiting, you are likely to get an improved version of it in the future.
Take me, for example! When the Verizon Chocolate phone came out, I decided I wanted to buy one. By waiting for 2 years, I not only got a wider variety of colors to choose from, but I felt any improvements that needed to be made would be done. As a result, I got a pretty nice looking phone out of the deal and saved about a hundred dollars! Now I don't feel so bad that it is somewhat of a disappointment to me, because it isn't as good as I first thought it would be!
Oh well, you live, you learn!, huh Jesus?
I am still your #1 fan!
Sammie

deathcabforyarin said...

iphone's are overrated. you should wait untill all the kinks are sorted out. that's how it works with technology. in about a year or so there will be a new iphone. it'll be smaller and have more memory and have phone/internet browsing/video/music/a toaster.

sooo don't worry about it Jesus.

but you do have a point. what IS vegan doing as butcher? it totally defeats the purpose.

Morgan said...

you know jesus, you do talk about the whole crucifying thing a lot, and I do notice. I think it's time you forgive and forget. I sympathise with you 100 percent but it was about 2000 years ago. You shouldn't hold a grudge.

Oh Sweet Moses! said...

Oh your Dad! Did you just call (the vegan butcher) Jerry stupid after he saved Karen? And what's with the iPhone envy? Isn't envy one of the mortal sins? You aren't mortal!!!!! I think that was in the movie Seven with Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Gwyneth Paltrow and Kevin Spacey. Pretty good movie actually. Hmmm. Now I wanna see it again this weekend. Oooh, shout out to Jeremy!

ChillyMama said...

Dear Jesus,

I told you there was something wrong with a vegan butcher. It's just .. not natural.

Hey to Karen! I SAID, HEY TO KAREN!!

Chris said...

HAHA- I am totally thinking it is a GREAT idea to visit the church. I think you should wait until Sunday and then after collections... go in with a mask like from Jason... and hold the place up... with a super soaker gun... it would be hysterical. At least you would have an iphone... oh and by the way... could you make it a little less hot over here. I know you don't have much control over the weather... but seriously 116 degrees... is effen hot (PMF) Later Ninja

Anonymous Dog Owner said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
l.b. said...

Aw, look at you Jesus. Acting all vengeful and stuff, just like your Dad! How quickly you messiahs grow up.

Jesus H. Christ said...

I want an iPhone.

1) I'm still "hot" about the Sega Genesis.
2) But I'm Jesus. So I should get an iPhone.
3) Well, maybe when you get TWO SPIKES HAMMERED THROUGH YOUR WRISTS I'll ask if you're ready to "forgive and forget." I want an iPhone!
4) Any movie with Gwenyth Paltrow's head in a box is a good movie. KIDDING!
5) It's not Jerry's fault he's a vegan. But it IS his fault that he has an iPhone.
6) Maybe I can get that gang from Point Break to rob the church.
7) Response deleted… but I still want an iPhone.
8) Quit reading the bible, and maybe you won't be so disappointed. Burn.

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