Thursday, July 12, 2007

My plan is to kiss Trudy.

Hey! How are you? Fine, I hope. Me, I think I may want to consider thinking about possibly kissing Trudy. She's a bank teller, btw, and as friends we have had a long, sometimes tumultuous, but mostly fun relationship. However, now I am making the consideration of taking the "next step." Which is kissing her. ON THE MOUTH.
EEEEEE!!! I know. It's very exciting. After the whole Damien debacle (please see the thousands of previous posts on the subject of that jerk), Trudy and I decided to "take things slow" and see "where things went." Well, I've been thinking about it, and the "things" are definitely my lips, and the "went" is gonna be "onto her lips." Or at least I think I want to. I'M SCARED. I've kissed girls before and stuff, but I haven't kissed girls in a long time, and I'm pretty nervous about it. I'm pretty afraid that I don't quite remember how. However, I have been practicing a bit with help from a pair of fake lips I cleverly carved from a banana. I think I'm kissing too hard, though, because all I got was face full of banana.
Anywhoops, I'm considering kissing Trudy tomorrow night at the denoument of our movie date. Denoument means "end" by the way. Did you know that? It's a good word to use when you want to fool people into thinking you're smart. But back to Trudy. This is how I plan to kiss her: After tomorrow night's movie show, we will ride our bikes back to her house. We will park the bikes and each eat a Nutty Buddy on her stoop. Then I will say, "Oh, Trudy, apparently you have some Nutty Buddy byproduct on your lip. Here, let me retrieve it for you." Then as I brush the imaginary byproduct away, I will pause… and stare deeply into her eyes for exactly nine seconds. And then she will say, "Oh, Jesus!" at which point I will sweep her downward into one of those big dips you see in the old-timey movies, and then dive bomb my lips into hers. Naturally, I'll have to keep a very tight grip on her spine, because she will most likely swoon. After kissing her hard on the mouth for exactly 23 seconds, I'll sweep her back into an upright position, jump on my bike and say "See ya later, toots!" before speeding off into the night.
WELL? WHAT DO YOU THINK? Que romantique, eh? If there was any doubt in her mind that my lips are two molten pillows of fire, and that I'm 89 times the man Damien is, it will be dispelled when I swing the sledgehammer of my mouth into hers! Now if you'll excuse me, I must start getting ready for my date. That case of Altoids isn't going to eat itself.


Marcia said...

JC, honey, as much as I love the idea of you and Trudy hooking up, I would seriously reconsider the jumping-on-the-bike-"see-ya-later-toots"-speeding-off-into-the-night part. Too Damien-esque.

Don't run off, kiddo. Stick around. *That's* romance. :-) Even if she gets angry, she'll see you care enough about her to face the consequences.

Best of luck, JC!

J2 said...

JC, you are MORE than 89 times the man Damien will ever be...I'd say at least 93 times the man.

Don't plan out your kiss like a chess game! Let it happen...maybe Trudy will want to wipe some Nutty Buddy byproduct off your face. Let her be a kiss participant, not a victim.

Oh, and stick around, just as marcia says you should. That's not just romantic; that's class!


blessing said...

Since I'm a girl and have been kissed, my advice is not to kiss her too hard. Most girls don't really like that. The gazing into her eyes sounds good. But "Toots" is never good. Not sure about the food on her face idea, cause I don't know Trudy (the bank teller) so I don't know how she'd feel about that, if it would get her "in the mood" (PMF) or not.

btw, will there be any tongue? Lots of girls like that, too. (SCARY! EEEEE)

Good luck, JC!

the queen said...

Oh, wow, I was just saying today to Marcia (see above) that you seemed to be neglecting Trudy. I'm glad to see are still thinking of her. Prepare for tongue. It's kind of like a finger in the mouth but a little slimier.

Catfish said...

Go For It!!!
Plans are fun...
You better come up with a backup plan, in case something happens... like what if she has some Nutty Buddy stuck in her teeth...
Try not to think about it too much, though.
'cause if you really think about it you might start thinking that since since Trudy kissed Damien then if you kiss her it would be almost like YOU kissed Damien... if you think about it, you know...
I would do it anyhow... unless Damien has a cold sore or something...

Big Headed Jen - friend of Burrito Martinez said...

Dear Jesus,

Wow! I don't know what to think! Do guys really go through all that pre-kiss planning or is that just because you're all religiousy and happen to be Jesus Christ?

As the Beastie Boys once said "Let it flow. Let yourself go. Slow and low, that is the tempo." I'm not sure how the "low" fits in (maybe it means, in this case,don't kiss her nose by mistake). Be cool. Be chill. If it happens you know its real (I made that part up).

GOOD LUCK on you date Jesus!

Jill said...

Good luck, Jesus! 23 seconds sounds good but you need to feel the moment, you know? Don't forget to breathe and enjoy it!

Sammie said...

I think that your plan is good. I would like to remind you to be sure not to drop her when you sweep her downward in one of those "movie star dips" though, and hold her just tight enough to make her feel secure in not falling over but not so much as to suffocate her.
I think this can be a very good opportunity to prove what a priestly stud you can really be!
I wish you all the luck in the world. I am at the denouement of my message to you, so I will close.
(I like the word, by the way!)
Best of luck, Oh Man of the Way, the Truth, and the Light!

Anonymous said...

Lemme alone for God's sake. Can't you just let this go?

What are you, some kind of matyr?

Oh Sweet Moses! said...

I'm all for sucking face but I'd prefer Jeremy is involved.

Burrito Martinez said...

Hola Jesus(Hay-soos),
Dude no wonder the preacher at the baptist church thought you were homo, using words like denoument. That is soo gay. Nothing wrong with that, im just sayin.....
p.s. slip trudy a little tongue. trust me!

Anonymous said...

dude, you're pushing it. i'd definitely wait a little longer, she may not be ready yet.

Anonymous said...

beware the slobber!

Jesus H. Christ said...

Kiss, kiss.

1) How about "Sayonara, sucker!"
2) Be the victim. Got it!
4) EUGHH!!!
5) Now why did you have to bring up Damien?
6) Only idiots don't follow advice from the Beastie Boys.
7) Breathe. Got it.
8) No suffocation. Got it.
9) Smooch, smooch, smooch.
10) Maybe we can double date!
12) Oh, yeah, she's ready. She's ready for some hot Jesus smoochies!
13) Beware slobber. Got it. Thanks!!!