Friday, July 6, 2007

Churches creep me out.

How are you? Me? Creeped out. That's because I actually went to a CHURCH today. EWW!! Those places are so gross. Seriously, they're worse than hospitals. They play terrible music, you have to be all "reverential" and crap (PMF), and you can't even say the word "crap" (PMF). And as it turns out, they don't allow lambs! I took Karen (that's my pet lamb, btw) with me to the Victory Baptist Church that's close to my house, and they actually whispered to me that Karen would have to wait outside! Last time I heard, Christians were supposed to go ape-poop over lambs (PMF). UNBELIEVABLE.
Sorry about my PMF-ing all over the place. There's something about churches that brings it out of me.
Anywhoop, the "Victory Baptist Church." What a dumb name. What am I supposed to say, "Yay! Baptists win!"? And it's all fancy inside, with stain glass windows that picture me in a variety of nonsensical situations—AND right in the center of the back wall, there's a huge cross with me hanging off of it! THANKS FOR THE REMINDER, JERKS. Yeah, that day was a great "victory" for me, all right. (I'm being sarcastic.)
But I digress. As mentioned yesterday, I became intent on purchasing an iPhone after seeing my "friend" Jerry the vegan butcher waving his around. Unfortunately, I have no moolah. That's where the Victory Baptist Church comes in. I figure if they've been making money off my name for years, it was time for my tribute.
Unsurprisingly, the pastor was obese.
"I'm the Rev. Richard Sparkle. How may I help you, young man?"
"Hi, I'm Jesus Christ, and I'd like my money, please."
This took him aback, I think.
"Ummm…" he laughed, "… what?"
"You've heard of me, right?" I asked.
"Well, of course I've heard of our lord and savior. He died for my sins, and…"
"Cool. Then $500 ought to do it."
"Do what?"
"Pay for my iPhone."
"Wait… what??"
"Ohhh-kay," I said, as if I were talking to a THREE YEAR OLD. "Let's slow this way down. I am Jesus Christ. I want an iPhone. It costs $500. I died for your sins. You owe me. Is your 'eternal soul' worth at least $500? Then give me $500. Please tell me you understand."
He started looking pretty scared. "Are you mugging me?"
"NO, YOU…" I stopped myself. "Okay… look. How much does this church make per year?"
"Well… much of our money goes to charitable organizations and…"
"YAH, YAH, YAH," I said. "How much? A LOT. Right? And the way you get all that money is by dropping my name. Am I right?"
"That's a very simplistic…"
"YAH, YAH, YAH," I said. "Look, this is a free country. And you can continue to say whatever you want about me, but from now on, I want my cut. I'm not a greedy Christ, but I'm going to take what I'm owed. Jesus wants an iPhone. SO GIVE ME MY $500."

That was about when four burly deacons came running in and tossed me out on my patoot. PMF.

"Don't ever come in here blaspheming our Lord's name again!" Rev. Sparkle screeched as I dusted myself off.
"You don't want an iPhone anyway," said one of the deacons. "Their service plan stinks."

HOW DOES HE KNOW WHAT I WANT? What a bunch of hypocrites. And no, I can't call a lawyer because they're just exercising their rights to religion and "free speech." STUPID CONSTITUTION! I'm really at the end of my rope here. I MUST GET AN iPHONE. But how? Tell you what: Let's take the weekend and think about it, but at this point, I'm seriously considering going back to Victory Baptist Church on Sunday and making off with the collection plate!
That'll be me running down the street yelling, "VICTORY IS MINE!"


No Relation said...

Yes, Jesus, you do. You do want an iPhone. I have one and I have to tell you, it's the best thing (outside of you) ever to happen.

J2 said...

Jesus! Is it not written, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wi-fi?"

Could Damien have something to do with your thinking you NEED an i-Phone? Could he be coming into your house at night and talking to you while you sleep?

Fellow commentors, what do YOU think?


Chris said...

HOLLAR NINJA! I told you to rob those jerks. Take what is yours! Screw them for not letting Karen in.

Sammie said...

You are sounding not so holier-than-thou lately. What's up with that? In fact you are sounding somewhat covetous and envious...Might you need some time with your Father, like, oh, maybe 40 DAYS AND 40 NIGHTS??????
I think maybe j2 has something there, in that Damien has put some ideas into your head when you weren't aware of it.
What does Trudy (the bank teller, and now your girlfriend) think about this new and somewhat disturbing side of you?
Please don't f#%^ (PMFF) (PMF)things up so that you may lose
custody of Karen. You HAVE to think of her!
I really hope you don't rob the church---that would be a really bad thing!
May your Father be with you!

Burrito Martinez said...

Jesus are you a U.S. Citizen? Your blog about celebrating the 4th of July got me thinking, he lives in the U.S. but is he here legally? Believe me, this issue is something i'm familiar with. I'm cool, got my card verde, but let's just say there are some Martinez family members looking over their shoulders, and some have already been shipped off back to the mother land. Anyway they be crackin down Ninja. Get your s-word straight (pmf) before it is too late. The feds are on a tear man.
I'll pray to your Dad for you.
Burrito Martinez
p.s. The i-phone is fierce!

Anonymous said...

good idea. i think you should definitely take their money and run.

Morgan said...

Jesus... that's pretty low. I thought you were better than that. I would have thrown you out also, that was pretty rude of you.

Axis said...

Hey Jesus,
Long-time reader, first time commenter. Love the blog.

I have an idea for you... While this is a free country with freedom of religion and all that, it's also a nation founded on CAPITALIST principles, right? That means people get a cut of the proceeds when other people make money names or ideas owned by the first person.

I think you should trademark your name AND your likeness (they're yours after all, aren't they?) and then go back to that church and demand a cut every time they use your name and for all those creepy pictures of you on the cross (sorry about that) they have. (It might be a good idea to bring a copy of your birth certificate (did they have those 2000 years ago?) or some other way to prove you are who you say you are. (There are lots of false prophets out there you know.)

Anyway, this might be a whole new way for you to make some money AND it might give you the right to demand they take all those likenesses of you on the cross (sorry again) down so you don't have to see them.

Anyway, here's a link so you can look into it.

p.s. I covet an IPhone too, but since no one gets money using my name, there's not much I can do. *sigh*

Oh Sweet Moses! said...

JC, I'm all about you having an iPhone but how about you wait a while until they fixed the bugs? One year is gonna go fast and by that time, if you eat less hotdogs at the mall with Trudy (your bank teller), you'll save enough money to buy yourself one. If this is not acceptable, call Francoise and set up an appointment with your Dad. Get him to write that check. Goodluck!

The Recovering Straight Girl said...

Couldn't you just make an iPhone appear, you know like the water to wine. Maybe you could turn a Nokia into an iPhone? Just a thought.

Catfish said...

Are you really from Ethiopia? The peasants speak Ge'ez there, so I here (according to the Holy Wiki)...
Anywho, Apple is of the Devil!!!
Just another example of the dark lord tempting us.
The way I see it, screw Apple (pmf). Who you gonna call (heh) anyway?
But if you are really dead set on getting one and still need some cash what you should do is go stand outside the church on the Sabbath (since you can't go bowling) and charge a cover to get in, cut out the middle man, you dig?!?
Oh, hey, my old lady is reading this book on the Sabbath and apparently you are supposed to have lots of sex on this day... is that for real? GO JEWS!!! YEAH!!!

Missy A said...

No no don't steal the plate, get a plate and stand outside with Karen on Sunday with a sign that says "donate to Jesus" that way they will donate straight to you and you cut out the middle man
Don't tell the parishioners you want an iphone they might not give, then again if you tell them one might donate their iphone to you
besides what you want one of those for who you gunna call your Dad?

The Ichthyophile said...

my roommate has an iphone. His employer bought it for him but he has to cover the monthly plan payments.
It's pretty neat. I hope you're not getting it to impress Trudy?

iphone shmyshmone!

Anonymous Dog Owner said...

You were right. It was the other Jesus at the hospital....the "good" Jesus wouldn't even think about behaving as you have been lately. You should get with the real. You won't be so grumpy and vengeful. I'm just saying....

Jesus H. Christ said...


1) I KNEW IT!!
2) If Damien was in my room, I think I'd smell him. He wears Axe body spray.
3) I was going to rob them on Sunday, but I overslept, and had an eggs benedict instead.
4) Isn't 40 days and 40 nights that Harrison Ford movie with what's her name in it?
5) It's wicked fierce.
6) Overslept. Eggs benedict.
7) Nag, nag, nag. Aren't you late for "church"?
8) Jesus Christ (TM). I like the sound of that.
9) Give up Hot Dogs on a Stick? NEVER!
10) Even magicians have to buy their tricks.
11) Does that book say anything about eggs benedict?
12) Begging is beneath me. However, stealing isn't.
13) Trudy doesn't like the iPhone. But then she still has a landline! SO old-timey!
14) I am with the real! The real iPhone!

stevo said...


Perhaps you should reform the disciples and send them out to "get your cut." A sawn-off pool cue can be a very useful tool during negotiations.