Friday, July 6, 2007
Churches creep me out.
How are you? Me? Creeped out. That's because I actually went to a CHURCH today. EWW!! Those places are so gross. Seriously, they're worse than hospitals. They play terrible music, you have to be all "reverential" and crap (PMF), and you can't even say the word "crap" (PMF). And as it turns out, they don't allow lambs! I took Karen (that's my pet lamb, btw) with me to the Victory Baptist Church that's close to my house, and they actually whispered to me that Karen would have to wait outside! Last time I heard, Christians were supposed to go ape-poop over lambs (PMF). UNBELIEVABLE.
Sorry about my PMF-ing all over the place. There's something about churches that brings it out of me.
Anywhoop, the "Victory Baptist Church." What a dumb name. What am I supposed to say, "Yay! Baptists win!"? And it's all fancy inside, with stain glass windows that picture me in a variety of nonsensical situations—AND right in the center of the back wall, there's a huge cross with me hanging off of it! THANKS FOR THE REMINDER, JERKS. Yeah, that day was a great "victory" for me, all right. (I'm being sarcastic.)
But I digress. As mentioned yesterday, I became intent on purchasing an iPhone after seeing my "friend" Jerry the vegan butcher waving his around. Unfortunately, I have no moolah. That's where the Victory Baptist Church comes in. I figure if they've been making money off my name for years, it was time for my tribute.
Unsurprisingly, the pastor was obese.
"I'm the Rev. Richard Sparkle. How may I help you, young man?"
"Hi, I'm Jesus Christ, and I'd like my money, please."
This took him aback, I think.
"Ummm…" he laughed, "… what?"
"You've heard of me, right?" I asked.
"Well, of course I've heard of our lord and savior. He died for my sins, and…"
"Cool. Then $500 ought to do it."
"Pay for my iPhone."
"Ohhh-kay," I said, as if I were talking to a THREE YEAR OLD. "Let's slow this way down. I am Jesus Christ. I want an iPhone. It costs $500. I died for your sins. You owe me. Is your 'eternal soul' worth at least $500? Then give me $500. Please tell me you understand."
He started looking pretty scared. "Are you mugging me?"
"NO, YOU…" I stopped myself. "Okay… look. How much does this church make per year?"
"Well… much of our money goes to charitable organizations and…"
"YAH, YAH, YAH," I said. "How much? A LOT. Right? And the way you get all that money is by dropping my name. Am I right?"
"That's a very simplistic…"
"YAH, YAH, YAH," I said. "Look, this is a free country. And you can continue to say whatever you want about me, but from now on, I want my cut. I'm not a greedy Christ, but I'm going to take what I'm owed. Jesus wants an iPhone. SO GIVE ME MY $500."
That was about when four burly deacons came running in and tossed me out on my patoot. PMF.
"Don't ever come in here blaspheming our Lord's name again!" Rev. Sparkle screeched as I dusted myself off.
"You don't want an iPhone anyway," said one of the deacons. "Their service plan stinks."
HOW DOES HE KNOW WHAT I WANT? What a bunch of hypocrites. And no, I can't call a lawyer because they're just exercising their rights to religion and "free speech." STUPID CONSTITUTION! I'm really at the end of my rope here. I MUST GET AN iPHONE. But how? Tell you what: Let's take the weekend and think about it, but at this point, I'm seriously considering going back to Victory Baptist Church on Sunday and making off with the collection plate!
That'll be me running down the street yelling, "VICTORY IS MINE!"