Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Top o' the mornin', guvnah!

Okay, NEW PLAN. Oh… hello! How's it going? Good. Anyway, NEW PLAN. Today I decided that instead of never going back to the Victory Baptist Church again, I would go back to the Victory Baptist Church again. AND NO, IT'S WASN'T TO STEAL MONEY FOR A NEW iPHONE. I am so over that invention. The reason why I went back is because I'm still pretty miffed over not being physically kicked out of the church once, but TWICE. (Check out the last few blog posts for details. I'm too tired to recount those particular adventures.)
The way I saw it? If I could get through just one of Rev. Sparkle's (he's the reverend) sermons, then I WIN. (Don't ask me what I win. That's not the point.) Anywow, I came up with a devilishly clever plan to infiltrate the church. I would go… IN DISGUISE. So Karen (that's my lamb) and I went to the local costume shop, where I found us the most perfect disguises: An English Bobby (that's a policeman) and an organ grinder's monkey. (I was the Bobby.)
It was a perfect plan—or so I thought.
When we arrived at the church, people were filing in for the Wednesday evening sermon, so Karen and I attempted to blend in with the crowd. That's when that same mean Deacon who threw me out the two previous times saw me.
"Oh, for the love of… what are YOU doing back here?" he asked.
"Cor' blimey, guvnah!" I said in the British accent I'd been working on all afternoon. "Have you gone all wet in the knickers? I don't know you from the Queen!"
"You're that guy who dresses up like Jesus."
"No, I'm not, guvnah! I'm that guy that dresses up like a Bobby!"
"And what's your lamb wearing?" he asked.
"Have you gone snackers? Any bloomin' idiot can tell that's a lam…a MONKEY!"
"All right. That's it. You're out of here," he said as he grabbed me roughly by the arm.
"Now see here, my good man," I said haughtily. "Can't a bloke and his monkey visit the religious institution of his choice and bid your Lord Christ a fine how's-yer-mum?"
"Sure… a real English Bobby could—but you're a weird, crazy person who dresses up like Jesus if he were a Bobby. SO GET THE HELL OUT OF OUR CHURCH."
"PMF, guvnah! PMF!"

That's when he picked me up, and aimed me toward the street.

"WAIT! WAIT!" I yelled in my real voice.
The deacon put me down.
"OKAY. FINE," I said. "I'm not a visiting English Bobby with his monkey. I'm Jesus Christ, and this is my lamb Karen, and I don't understand why I'm not welcome in your church."
"Well, for one, you tried to mug our pastor, and for two, you scared the vacation bible school kids with a fake hook."
"Yah, yah, yah, besides that."
"Because," he said, closing the door behind him. "You're obviously a homo."

WTF? (PMF!) What is wrong with these church people? Besides the OBVIOUS fact I'm not a gay person, they really shouldn't be throwing people around who look like Christ (whether they also look homosexual or not). That's IT! I knew there was a reason I hated going to church, and now my suspicions have been proven correct. They are all a bunch of homo-Jesus-Bobby-phobes!


Janine said...

Woah man, that sounds rough. You should try going to a Lutheran church instead of a Baptist one. Baptists are very oldschool and not as open to change, while Lutherans may be more relaxed about your style.
Hope things get better. <3

Big Headed Jen - friend of Burrito Martinez said...

Hi Jesus,
Sorry to hear you had such a bad experience :( Honestly though, that sounds like a walk in park compared to the Catholic church I went to as a kid! It was in Spanish and everyone smelled like fried food. Did Karen (your lamb) wear the little mokey organ grinder hat too? I bet your accent could have used more practice - then you would have gotten away with it!

Jesus, I wanted to thank you for the 2 bags of ice that were in my fridge in the garage on the 4th of July (especially with the heat wave we're having). I went to 4 places looking for ice and all of them were out. I was bummed out and then I went home and found the ice and I was happy again. It would have been even better if they were otter pops.

Sammie said...

Dear JC,
Wow! The nerve of the VERY EVIL DEACON SPARKLE for kicking you out of the church which worships YOU! I bet he is going to be sorry when he finds out who he has been f'ing (PMF) with!
You, of all persons, shouldn't have to dress up in disguise just to get into your own church!!!!
What is the world coming to?
Did you show him the scars on your hands?
I think the Victory Baptist Church must be a cover for the Republican Convention of The Homo-Jesusphobe Society.

Oh Sweet Moses! said...

Ummm JC? I think you forgot the most common thing to do when trying on a disguise. You want to blend in, not stand out. If you are going to do it again for the third time, do it right man. How's Jeremy by the way and the rest of shirtless, football players?

The Ichthyophile said...

JC, old sport, surely not ALL of the Baptists are that way. That would be like saying "All British people walk around saying "Ello Guv'nah!"

Maybe you should try another church? or another religious institution?

Cheerio, old bean! Your dad save the Queen!

Anonymous said...

you outta kick 'em in the balls (PMF).

Catfish said...

That's about all I got... whoa!!!
Dude, you know what?!?!
You should totally start your OWN church.
For real... You should start a church founded upon your own principles or something...
Uhh, what ARE your principles? Do you believe in long slow wet kisses that last a week?
I'm in... I'm romantic like that... ask anyone... thats how I roll...
and we could all wear costumes, big hats and shit (pmf), maybe a cape...
Dude, and we could burn incense and maybe smoke some weed 'cause I heard that your dad said it was cool, its in the first couple pages of the bible or something...

Jesus H. Christ said...

Tuppence for the birds, squire?

1) Don't Lutherans worship Lex Luthor?
2) Ooooh! I love otter pops!
3) Poop! (PMF!) I forgot to show him the scars on my hands. Then I guess he would've wondered why Jesus had a British accent.
4) Are you saying I should go shirtless to church? That's hot.
5) Pip, pip! Fish 'n chips, squire!
6) That would give 'em a "stiff upper lip." Wot?
7) Ummmmmm… I don't remember my dad saying that. But have fun… "dude."